Friday, June 25, 2010

Worst Sports Movie of All Time! (sports review by Anthony Tournis)

Alright America, After my completely awesome review of the kick ass and greatest sports movie of all time(The Program (which rules! (seriously, if you haven’t seen it you should eat a bag of dicks (yes a whole bag)))) I got a lot feedback about what other people thought was the best sports movie of all time. Long story short, they all sucked (they sucked so bad it was like trying to get a handjob while watching Howard’s End (ewwww)). There was one movie, however, that was pure trash (this was more like trying to get a handjob during The English Patient (from Willem Dafoe (yikes))). This movie is incredibly racist, and I blame this movie for the L.A. Riots (these riots were started by a bunch of black people who were pissed off that O.J. Simpson isn’t in the Hall of Fame because he killed Rodney King and his lover Kato Kaelin). What movie am I talking about: White Men Can’t Jump! Man, this movie is racist. Let’s look at the title. White men Can’t Jump! Telling an entire ethnic group they can’t do something because of the color of their skin is one of the most despicable things I can think of. Why not have a movie called “Asians Can’t Drive”, “Puerto Ricans Can’t Leave Hub Caps On Your Car”, or “Black People Can’t Live In My Neighborhood.” How dare you Hollywood? Are you full of so much hate that you have to be racist? I didn’t watch the piece of shit movie ( I wouldn’t watch trashy racism so I made my dego barber (man the Italians know how to cut hair!) tell me what the movie was about ( I didn’t really understand him all that well because wops don’t know English without adding A’s to the end of every word (Italians: Learn English!))) White Men Can’t Jump is about Wesley Snipes ( “Vietnam War Story 2”, “Game of Death”) who plays basketball for money. Then Woody Harrelson (“Mother Goose Rock ‘n’ Rhyme”, “Surfer, Dude”) shows up to play basketball and gets laughed at for being white. Why does he take the ridicule? TO DEFY THE ODDS (like Rudy and Matt Damon)! In the end, he dunks (spoiler) and shows all the people watching his basketball game (God, Basketball is the worst! (Why? (soon..))) that he isn’t white anymore. Then Wesley Snipes goes to jail for taxes. The end. I was appalled by how racist this movie was. The whole thing is about putting down a people that have done nothing wrong, that their only transgression was they were born white. I blame the racists Mike B. and Kirk P. for bringing this movie to my attention. These bastards loved, LOVED this movie so much that they chastised me for not making it the best sports movie of all time! I don’t see how making fun of an entire race qualifies this piece of crap as the greatest movie of all time. Kirk and Mike have obvious problems with accepting people so if you have any problems with them I want you to take it up with them! This is where they live:

Mike B.                                               Kirk P.
2431 W. Montrose Ave.                      2520 Glendale Blvd
Chicago, IL 60618                               Los Angeles, CA 90039
(773) 477-0800                                   (213) 480-1421

Smell the finger of racial intolerance!

There you go, America! Take it up with Mike and Kirk! In fact, I am sure they want you to contact them! That is how they spread their hatred around the world! Show them that racial hatred and intolerance should be stamped OUT of America AND sports movies altogether! Let these depraved souls know that we are ONE people, with ONE common goal, of love and togetherness and equality for all! Show these human bags of evil that it is NOT okay to limit people based on what they look like! If not for your children then do it for AMERICA!!!


  1. Anthony, Anthony, Anthony.

    You're a fine writer, and you try your best every day. America appreciates your efforts. But in the end, you disgrace no one but yourself. I will DEFINITELY spend more time pointing out how your cred is completely gone, but first I've got to get your mom out of my house (I still love her, though).

  2. Let's get off of mothers because I just got off of yours!

  3. Tournis, you just proved how awesome White Man Can't Jump is by quoting it! If it's such an awful movie why quote it? Huh? huh? Can you quote The Program? No, because, like your mom, it eats dirty ass. HA! We win! Game over!

    BTW, I don't blame you for not liking this movie...because you know nothing of film nor sports.

  4. "I'm not to good to tear a hole in your tiny ass!"

    "Let's open up a can of kick ass and kill 'em all, let the paramedics sort 'em out."

    "I don't know, its the battle, the going to war with the other guys, hanging together, having our own dorm, staying in hotels the night before the games, setting ourselves apart, being different than everybody else, having a chance to be somebody, to do something that people look up to you for, your strength, your courage, not everybody can play football... were the lucky ones."

    "Hit the tight end so hard his girlfriend dies."

    All from The Program!

    Here's another quote from WMCJ:
    "Hey, I hate you. You are stupid and you can't jump because of your Caucasian ancestry"

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