Presented here in its entirety, with permission of author Jake Lindquist, is the 2012 Grand Loser. Reminder: this is an absolutely horrible piece of trash. Read at your own risk.
Abortion Carnival of the Juggalos
A Conservative Tale Complete with Ferris Wheels and a Pro-Life Message
Cast of Characters
JUGGALO: The motherfuckin’ man
JUGGALETTE: His motherfuckin’ bitch
FAYGHOST: The motherfuckin’ narrator
ABORTION KING 47 Loves Abortin’
Place
Who gives a shit!
Time
Whenever the fuck you want. Although, I think it should be the year 2015 so everyone has hoverboards and shit. Marty McFly wouldn’t let us down. Whoop Whoop!
NOTE TO ANYONE WHO HAS THE BALLS TO PUT THIS SHIT ONSTAGE
This play is supposed to be about two things.
1. Why abortion is completely wrong. As Evangelical Christians, that’s right Juggalo’s are fucking Evangelical Christians but you didn’t know that you little bitch, we believe in the sanctity of life and family. FA-MI-LY! FA-MI-LY! So if you’re not pro-life you can just go ahead and kill yourself.
2. Why Juggalos are productive members of society. Just because a few of us do some dumbass shit, we got jobs and things like that. We don’t go eating the faces of homeless people of the Miami highway that’s for real. We more real and honest than all these posers and this gotta represent the ICP way that they preach in their lyrics. After the chaos ends we gotta show a little social responsibility. Whoop Whoop!
When this shit gets started there’s a giant ass ferris wheel onstage. I promised Ferris Wheels, it’s in the title, there better be a fuckin’ ferris wheel. Riding round and round in the cars is the FAYGHOST. FAYGHOST is a giant bottle of Grape Faygo that is a robot/ghost/angel that is the god-like overlord of the theatrical world. He is not really God because there is only one God and to believe in something else is fucking stupid. Remember, Juggalos are Evangelicals so they love and accept everyone…who completely agrees with them. Whoop Whoop! The FAYGHOST should be made of multicolored metals and gold and all kinds of crazy shit.
FAYGHOST
This Ferris Wheel kicks ass! What’s up ninjas? You ready for some real tight shit that’s gonna blow your fuckin’ mind out your ass through a canon? Whoop Whoop! I’m the Fayghost yo, and I’m here to teach you all about some real shit that’s goin’ down in our neighborhoods today. Abortion! It’s the in air we breathe and in the Faygo we drink. We gotta do something about this bullshit. We gotta do our part to give back to the community in ways other than beating up our grandmothers and stealing their cars.
Which only happened once and was a completely isolated incident. Besides, that grandmother had it coming. She voted for Obama.
FAYGHOST
Fizz fizz bubble pop, it’s time for ya’ll to learn some shit. Let’s make some noise! Whoop Whoop! I got a story to tell you about a little sister who learned a big lesson about abortion and why It’s bad. And when this shit is done, donate some of your time to a local homeless shelter or start a canned food drive.
Like I said, social responsibility!
FAYGHOST
Two Juggalos, both alike in musical taste
In wherever the fuck you want to lay the scene.
From ancient grudge break to new bullshit
Where aborted blood makes aborted hands unclean.
Turn that shit up!
Shakespeare Motherfucker!
The stage is dark until we hear the soothing sounds of ICP’s meditation on creationism, “Miracles” blasting through the fetus shaped speakers that should be littering the stage. Fetuses can’t speak for themselves because they’re underwater so we gotta speak for them. Two green-tinted spotlights comes up on star crossed lovers JUGGALO and JUGGALETTE. JUGGALO is tatted out with gauges and is a world-renowned neurosurgeon to defy expectation and shit. He looks a little bit like hatchet man. His age isn’t important because love knowns no boundaries. He could be sixty for all we know. JUGGALO represent the juggalo inside all of us, which is fucking awesomeness. He don’t give a fuck what anyone says or does…except abortion because that’s worse than killing people. He’s down with the clown till he’s dead in the ground…unless the clown is for abortion in which case the clown will go into the ground first. JUGGALETTE is pregnant as fuck and is puffin’ away at a cig stick. Like I said, this shit gotta be real, she actually has to be pregnant, fifteen, and smoking. If you’re worried about getting in trouble for having an underage minor smoking in a theater, stop being a bitch and learn to follow the rules of this epic show. If someone ain’t arrested by the end of the show you’re doing something wrong. She wears full clown makeup and scrawled across her stomach it says “Messiah.” She is also the President of the United States! A fifteen year old pregnant president? If you want, play off on that whole “imaginary baby” thing from that one show. Whoop Whoop! Seriously, you can set this scene wherever the fuck you want. Hell, you can put it in a prison if you wanna go crazy, and that’s called freedom! JUGGALETTE speaks as a mash up between ICP “Miracles” and some Charlotte Church song plays puffing away the entire time.
JUGGALETTE
It’s a miracle.
JUGGALO
I know. I can’t believe you got pregnant. We only did it like fourteen times you know what I’m sayin?
JUGGALETTE
It be crazy how it happen. I don’t think it was yo’ dick that got me pregnant, it was divine inspiration from our lord and savior.
JUGGALO
It must be you weren’t takin’ your shit.
This play is not meant to condone pre-marital sex or contraception of any kind. If you listen to your heart you’ll know what’s right. Juggalos are about love from the heart, no love from the pants and that’s the motherfuckin’ truth. Where do babies come from? Think on that!
JUGGALO
I love you bitch.
Isn’t that sweet?
JUGGALO
I know I’m a world-famous neurosurgeon but I can’t possibly explain how this happen? It must have been a miracle or some shit like that. Even though I’m smart as hell and you’re the President of the United States I’m afraid we won’t be able to survive in an economy like this.
Not only is this shit about abortion, it also brings up a big point about the economy. What?! Shit is tight right now. Hell, even ICP gives a payment plan to their concerts now. Shit ain’t cheap and that makes having a baby an even bigger commitment than before. Abortion may save your wallet, but it won’t save your soul. Not all of us can go on welfare like my cousin Dave.
JUGGALETTE
It takes a village J. And this village gonna help raise our seed. We just gotta believe that Jesus is gonna take the wheel and drive this pick-up in the right direction.
Even Juggalos know who Carrie Underwood is. Bet you didn’t know that did ya bitch? We love American Idol. Simon kicks ass!
JUGGALO
Stright up homegirl.
JUGGALO’s cell phone rings. Only his phone is allowed to go off during the show. If someone’s motherfuckin’ phone goes off during the show the actors will have full permission to go into the audience and kick that person’s ass for being a stupid dick. Jesus loves you! Whoop Whoop! That’s what family’s about yo.
JUGGALO
What up? Hey Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope. Bitch, ICP be on the line!
Now I know J and Shaggy 2 are too fuckin’ busy to be in this shit that’s why they on the phone. But if this becomes annual shit at the Gathering I bet J and Shaggy would jump on this shit like a fat one. They know what I’m sayin’ so they be the ones to get what this shit about. Why abortion is worse than killing someone. You don’t see juggalo abortions in the news do you? Walk softly and carry a big stick.
JUGGALO
You motherfuckers need brain surgery? Yeah, I’m comin’. Bitch, you be good for ten minute? I gotta go remove tumors from some brains but I’ll be back in time for dinner.
JUGGALETTE
Straight up J-star. I gotta ban gay marriage anyways because I’m the President and I can do whatever the fuck I want. Whoop Whoop!
Now this is a relationship based on equality, love, and respect. Recognize.
JUGGALO
I’ll be back soon bitch
They make out. Fuckin’ Poetry. JUGGALO leaves JUGGALETTE onstage alone.
Abortion King 47 busts onto the stage with a tight beat. His friends call him AK-47 for short. He is dressed like he lives in Portland and carries a giant abortion stick. He has come to claim the fetus of JUGGALETTE. If possible AK-47 should be played by Charlie Sheen because no one knows more about abortion than Charlie Sheen.
AK-47
It a Juggalo or a Juggalette?
JUGGALETTE
I dunno yet. I dunno how that work. All I know is its swimmin’ in my stomach and who knows how the fuck that work.
AK-47
Miracles girl miracles. You know another miracle you gotta try out? All the other kids is doing it. It’s called abortin’! Why don’t ya check it out? You seem down.
This is to exhibit how you don’t gotta give into peer pressue to be cool. Not all Juggalos do drugs, and there ain’t no pressure to do shit. AK-47 is more like government who force you to do stuff like pay taxes and drive the speed limit. Family don’t give a shit what you do and they love you for it. If Uncle Sam don’t love me for everything Uncle Sam can go be aborted, even though I don’t approve of abortion.
JUGGALETTE
But I don’t wanna abort my baby. He could grow up to cure world hunger.
AK-47
Why you wanna keep a baby when it could be deformed or damaging to your body? What will your parents think? How will you get a good job? Isn’t it your right to choose and not someone else’s? What if you die during childbirth? What if the government put your seed in foster care? What if your seed grows up to be Lisa Lampanelli or Ghandi? Is that what you want?
These are reasons a lot of women might get an abortion, but think about this…where would you be if you were aborted? Deep shit for a tight brain. FA-MI-LY!
JUGGALETTE
That is what I want.
AK-47
To bad bitch! I’m a democrat and it’s my right to choose for you!
AK-47 takes out his abortion stick, which for the record can be whatever the fuck you want. Although it’d be sweet if he had an actual chainsaw. JUGGALO runs back in carrying a lightsaber! Fuck yes!
JUGGALO
I’m back bitch. Don’t do it AK!
Aww shit!
JUGGALO
You don’t have to go around aborting everything. Join us and we can save babies all around the world!
AK-47
I’ll never join you!
JUGGALO
No one ever told you what happened to your abortion did they?
AK-47
I know enough. I got rid of it a long time ago.
JUGGALO
No, I am your abortion!
AK-47
That’s not true, that’s impossible!
JUGGALO
Search your feelings, you know it to be true.
AK-47
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Bet you didn’t see that shit comin’? Star Wars and Juggalos? Space Clowns! AK-47 is so fuckin’ distraught that he turned the abortion stick on himself and performs his own abortion. I have no idea how the fuck to pull that off but you theater people are smart about shit like that. You made Peter Pan fly, so you can abort a human being onstage because it’s not an actual abortion, it imagination
JUGGALO
You all right bitch?
JUGGALETTE
Straight up. I love you J.
JUGGALO
I love you bitch.
They keep making out and it’s fuckin’ hot. FAYGHOST comes front and center to close this shit out.
FAYGHOST
And they all lived happily ever after! The moral of the fuckin’ story is you don’t kill no one unless they already alive. I mean for all you know that baby gonna discover time travel or cure cancer or some shit. They got a clean slate and deserve that chance to fuck their life up. Once they fuck it up and you realize they’re a phony deadbeat that don’t do shit, then you can kill them! And that’s the motherfuckin’ truth! Whoop Whoop!
FAYGHOST opens himself up and pours faygo all over the audience. Drop to the beat to ICP “If I was a serial killer” as the fetus speakers begin to dance and the ferris wheel continues to spin. Party until 5:00 in the morning then get some waffle fries bitch cause this shit is done. Whoop Whoop!