Whats up, bros?!
Josh “ Don't Call me J. V.” Vaughn here. I'm writing a new column for Eric and Andy! I'm a graduate of Southwest Missouri State, where I am career assists leader for Bears Lacrosse! Go Bears! I graduated (“D” is for diploma) with a degree in communications, and now I'm in personal banking for Morgan Stanley downtown.
But I love to party, bro. Cubs games, frat reunions, St. Patty's day, whatever. So I'll be reviewing bars from all over ----wait, hold up...getting a text.................dude.
Alright anyway, I'm going all over town, cuz, you know, that's what I do, bruh. I'll give you the scoop on all the places I go. If they rule. If they suck. Specials. Throw some bags. Brunch it up with some bloodies. Whatever, bro---hold up, getting a call......Trent!....Trent!.........yeah, bro, I got the tickets......I got the tickets!!.......third baseline...yeah, by Ram, dude.....fuck you, dude!......yeah....yeah.....lates.
So my first review is some English place called Beckett's, on Lincoln and Belmont.
So I walk in there, bro, and I'm like, bro. I mean, its huge. Got like seats for 800 people. And I guess for people who like to read, cuz there were books on all of the walls. And like really nice, too. Like wood, everywhere.
I guess the place is named after Samuel Beckett, some queer bait writer like in Shakespeer time. I learned that in English Survey class. GO BEARS! Lacrosse rules!!!
Yeah, so, me and my buddy Travis sat at the bar. Decent beer selection, Miller Lite and Bud Lite. I didn't see if they had any Jaeger, but they got Red Bull in the can, which is so much better that that Banzai shit in the gun. When I was barbacking I 'd be doing bombs with that and it was nasty bro!
The bartender was a for real Irish guy, named Seamus or something. Travis couldn't remember his name so we were like, “Hey, Bro-ny Danza!” or “Hey, Bro Namath!” Pretty cool dude. Didn't give us free shots, though. I mean, bro, we dropped some cake! Hook a brother up!
The place was layed out kinda cool, though. Big tall booths along the back wall. Tables everywhere. Fireplace in the back. Chicks dig fireplaces, bro. Got one in my condo. South Loop, HOLLLAAA! And these paintings of old dudes on the walls. Fuckin creepy.
We were there during the day, so it was pretty much empty except for us, being awesome. The way I see it, the earlier you start, you can recover more quickly. Gotta maintain, bro, so you can get to Sound Bar or Rockitt when the chicks are out. Fuck yeah, bro. Fuckin PHD in Playernomics!
You gotta give yourself time to go home and change shirts. I just got this awesome Affliction tee, the one Chuck Liddell wears, fucking bad ass.
Decent menu, they got buffalo wings, burgers, and weird stuff, like Shepard's Pie and fish and chips. But the one thing they got going for them are the specials. We were there on a Tuesday and all the beer is half price!! We hooked it up bro! I asked Bro Piscopo if we could play beer pong, but like I said, he was Irish, so he didn't speak English. Fuckin dick. Get a green card, Bro Jackson!
On Thursday the draft beer is half price, and they got shot specials all week, and a cheap brunch all weekend.
So we got hammered. Travis was all like, dude, let's got to Wiener Circle, and I'm like, bro, that's not fun til closing time. They don't start swearing at you til then. So we paid our tab and went to Wrigleyville to watch the game at Cubby Bear.
So, overall...place is alright. They just need to hire some American chicks, dude. Oh, and get some girls in there hanging out, man. You ain't gonna stay in business long without some 'tang. But it's the right price and a cool place to go when you're recovering, or if you wanna like, read poetry or something.
Alright, bitches, gotta get back to work. Got a guy on the other line interested in a 401k. Peace. GO CUUUUUBBBBBBSSSSS!!!!!
Beckett's
Overall grade: B
Bro Piscopo. Well played.
ReplyDeleteOMFG Josh I cant believe u went to Becketts without Christiana. U are sucjh a douche. She says she's done wth u forever and u and Travis can be gay toghether or whatev and that she hopes the Cubs lsoe to the marlins becuz u r a dirrrtbag.
ReplyDeleteI m not mad at u tho i will see you Fri for Jaeger bombsssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Josh, are you effing fucking Debbie??? You jag. We were watching Glee last night and she got totes waste town and told me everything. And then she threw up in her hair.
ReplyDeleteTrent is taking me to Barleycorn so eff you.
I can't belive all of you guys are fighting like this. I fucking luv my bros and these bitches r just always startin shit between us, tryin to bust up the brotherhood. tell those hos to lick it, and lets meet at berlin for some fucking dancing and then tacos lates after, tittie bears.
ReplyDeletepeace and chicken grease to my REAL bros.
Tanner u were not talking like that when we were all watching GLEE together and you were feeling on Christiana's right tit THATS RIGHT I SAW U.
ReplyDeleteJosh and I are not fucking Christiana as if. U are a total liar and just wanted to yell at Josh like a bitch. U can not come over any more for ANTM BECAUSE I WILL STAB U LIKE TYRA WOULD IF SHE WERE ME.
Come on D, this is ridic. You know Tanner was like "those aren't real" and I was like "yuhuh they are" and he was all "then let me feel them" and I was like "eff off Tan" and he was like "well let me feel ONE" and that seemed fair. So whatever.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm done with Tyra anyway because I heard she has rabies for real. so stab yourself. ha. yeah. I said it.