I never was a huge fan of Thor. I had nothing against him…he just never held my interest. 1. Gods are boring because there are so few things that can actually hurt them. 2. Magic is stupid. 3. Not a fan of his costume. I tried to read a couple of his books years ago, but nothing could hold my attention. Too damn boring. Cut to Two weeks ago…ULTIMATE THOR! Alright, before you get up in my craw about the Ultimate Marvel I am going to flat out say…I love the Ultimate line, so eat my poop. It’s fun, fast paced, reboot of the core of the Marvel Universe. Sure there are some horrible ones (Ultimate Fantastic Four was the worst thing since Archie (God damn, I hate Archie(everyone in Riverdale will die a horrible death (more on this later)))), yeah and there are several books that I don’t even bother with, but the Ultimate line has written some great story lines. Ultimate Thor is one of the good ones. It’s great because of a key ingredient: no one believes Thor is Thor. Is he a mental case or a demigod? Interesting. I will let the whole deity and magic bullshit slide for that reason only. Thorlief Golmen was a psychiatric nurse until he had a complete nervous breakdown. After 18 months in an institution he starts spreading the word (yeah…spreading) that he is Thor, the God of Thunder, sent to Earth to save the planet. Is he nuts? Is he Thor? I don’t know, but I will buy the next issue. See, Thor doesn’t have to be boring. I highly suggest picking up a copy and checking it out. It’s okay to read Thor again. MESSAGE TO EVERYONE WORKING ON ULTIMATE THOR: Don’t fuck this up. You have an interesting angle, and a clean slate. Don’t make Thor lame…again. If you do, I will shove Mjolnir so far up your ass you are going to shit lightning and…well shit lightning. I’m already pissed at the Thor movie for casting Chris Hemsworth instead of the obvious choice Alexander Skarsard. I mean, why not cast an Australian with relatively no experience against a celebrated Blond haired, blue eyed Swede that is native to Stockholm and fits the description of Thor perfectly (go fuck yourself Hollywood!!!) I mean Kenneth Branagh is directing and the cast looks pretty good…BUT COME ON!!!!
What was I saying? Oh yeah SO don’t fuck up Thor…GGGAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! Fuck this Chris Hemsworth guy! Not only is he going to fuck up Thor, he is also going to fuck up one of the most amazing and inspirational films of all time…RED DAWN (if you say shit about Red Dawn Cubans and Russians will violate your butt). Hemsworth is going to try (and fail) to fill the shoes of the late, great Patrick Swayze (if you don’t like Swayze, then you are dead to me). Thank you for giving us shit again, Hollywood! Swayze already did Uncommon Valor, The Outsiders, had a smokin’ hot wife, AND lived in Texas before he did Red Dawn. You think you can replace him because you did the first 5 minutes of the Star Trek remake? Go fuck yourself. Why couldn’t you die instead of Patrick Swayze? If you try to remake Road House, Point break, or Next of Kin I will end you. I’m going to go take my meds….it’s okay to read Thor again…fuck Chris Hemsworth…fuck Hollywood…Thor is alright!
