Golden Globe Awards 2011 (Award Show)

Yesterday, while you were all watching the Bears play the Dolphins, I was getting ready for my favorite night of the year! The Golden Globes! It's the one time a year when ALL the best celebrities come together and cut loose. Everyone is drinking and doesn't care what they look like, they just wanna have a great time without any implications in the morning.
Ricky Gervais hosted the event. Did you know that hosting means making 5 jokes at the top of the show and then making 3 other jokes during the show? It seemed like that was their main advertising campaign. "Watch Ricky Gervais lampoon Hollywood all night long!" But then he called John Travolta and Tom Cruise gay, and that was it.
Shit, I could do that.

Speaking of Jews...
See, one thing we know is that Jews control the media, but one thing we didn't know is that all celebrities are Jews also. For instance, did you know that Winona Ryder is? Here real name is Winona Horowitz.
Still don't believe me? Here are some Jews you can Iews:
James Franco, Andrew Garfield, Natalie Portman, Isla Fisher, Jonah Hill, Selma Blair, Elizabeth Banks, and Jake Gyllenhaal.

Now you always thought that Jewish chicks worried too much and went crazy when they have sex, but that's not entirely true. They are also capable of living regular lives and being famous, so there's something for you to look forward to. It's nice to see that after your people kill Jesus, you can still be successful.

The Golden Globes are my favorite awards show because they combine the best of both worlds! Television and Movies (which you can also watch on television). Sometimes they nominate movies that haven't even been out yet, which is confusing because I can't cheer for those movies because I haven't seen them.
To be Frank with you, I haven't actually seen ANY of the movies that were nominated except Inception so I was cheering for Inception to win. Either way, nobody saw "The King's Speech" so nobody was cheering for that piece of garbage.
What was that even about?! A King? With a lisp or something? What a stupid idea for a movie.

What if the King was really black or something? I would watch that movie because I love to watch things about royalty and they could get Idris Alba to be in it and he. is. hawt.

Let's get to the biggest category of the night: Best TV Show!

There were lots of options this year, so I was excited for this one. I've been having a hard time this year finding a job in the theater, so I've had LOTS of nights free, and have watched most of these shows. The contestants for Best TV Show were:

The Good Wife- This Chicago-based show features great acting. In it are a guy from Dead Poet's Society, the lady from Men In Black, and that horrendous monster looking lady Christine Baranski.

Modern Family- A very funny show about different kinds of families who are all in the same families. The only person you would know from this show is Ed O'Neil who was probably most famous for his role as the FBI Team Leader in The Spanish Prisoner. Because there aren't many celebs in this, you probably didn't see many of the cast there, because the Golden Globes are for stars, not for jerks like us.

Boardwalk Empire- This show is on HBO so it was a clear favorite because on HBO there are boobs and people can say the word "Cocksucker". This show was made by Martin Scorsese and features Steve Buscemi as this gangster guy...I haven't seen this one, but it's about boardwalks and cocksuckers, I bet.

and ...

Glee- This seems to be everyone's favorite show except for me. I think it sort of sucks, honestly. I think the acting is terrible, the style of dialogue and range of issues jumps too frequently for it to ever be interesting, the music choices are too safe, and for a while it co-starred a person who in my opinion is the fucking bane of entertainment, Kristen Chenoweth.
I mean, if God offered me an opportunity to be homeless for a year, but then Kristen Chenoweth would be gone forever, I would take it.
Her voice and stupid haircut and... you guys know she's like, 60 years old, right?

As far as entertainment goes, my burning and undying hatred for her is only eclipsed by Robert Plant's comeback album.

Anyway, Glee is pretty stupid, and if you ever say this to someone who likes Glee they say this:
"I know it's stupid, but it's fun!"

That means they don't think it's stupid.

Anyway, I forgot who won in the category "Best TV Show" because "Burn Notice" wasn't nominated. AND THAT SHOW IS THE JAM.

This person was there.

You wanna know something else about me? I get blond women confused. Like this lady here... I don't know who she is, and in Hollywood, all blond women can be interchangeable so why get attached? They all look the same and they all play girlfriends in romantic comedies or Russel Crowe's wife. I seriously couldn't pick Kate Winslett out of a line up until she got old looking.

For some reason people think this dude is really good looking even though he looks like he has a glass eye and is a foreigner.



Everybody went home a winner this year, except for Johnny Depp who lost for everything he was nominated for. I think that is good because he seems like sort of a jackass. Always wearing lots of bracelets and sunglasses at night time. Plus, he won the award of marrying a french model and living in a castle in France, so let's not encourage him.


Great job, Hollywood!

-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

The Sing Off! (NBC Television Show)

There has been one television show this season that seems to have captured the hearts and minds of all the females I know and also the gays, while not totally alienating the heterosexual men that are forced to watch the tee vee with them, and it is called "Glee"and it is on FOX.
It follows the exploits of a second rate high school glee club. People are having babies, and hating glee clubs and having race issues and drinking underage and cheerleading and taking math tests and balancing work and family life and wheelchairs. But the thing that separates this show from every other stupid drama on television is its intricate and wildly inappropriate dance and song numbers.
They take hugely popular arena rock songs and turn them into almost interesting a cappella tunes.
Well not to be outdone, NBC has gone out and made a reality game show where different acappella groups compete for a "record contract" (like anybody wants a record with no instruments on it) and $100,000 cash in twenties.
They started out with 8 groups, I think.

There are the:
Maxx Factor- a group of retired airline stewardesses that somehow escaped from Branson, and covered everything in sequins.
The Beelzebubs- a group of young men who have never got laid from Boston or somewhere and look like they are in a commercial for GapNerd.
The SoCals- some other kids that have acne and attitudes. They sing songs by Journey and Abba and all look like jerks.
The SweetHammers- This is not their name, but I forgot it. (See SoCals.)
Nota- a bunch of Puerto Ricans that are clearly the best ones, but everyone hides their wallets and children because any time a Puerto Rican is singing, it's just because he is figuring out a way to rape your family of everything you love.
And then there are some other groups too.

Then there are the judges:

Ben Folds- Ben tries to act smart and like he doesn't need the money, but I see right through him.
The Pussycat Dolls Lady- I don't know her name, but she is always nice to everyone and dances around, probably to try to stop thinking about how much her vagina itches from being a whore.
and
Shaun Stockman- A guy who was in Boyz II Men and makes sure to tell everyone anytime anybody asks him, or doesn't ask him.
"You know it's hard to be the bass. We had a bass in my band, Boyz II Men, and it was hard for him."
Shaun, I hate to break it to you, but most of these people weren't even born when the East Coast Family was running the game.
Get a job as a security guard or a butcher like everybody else did.

All of this extravegance is hosted by the multitalented Nick Lachey, it just so happens that hosting a show is not one of his talents.

Well, this show manages to delight my wife and I as we lay in bed and pick on these poor bastards that can't hear what we are saying about them.

It's worth a watch, but don't get any big ideas about starting an acappella group, because these are the best ones there are, and they still blow.

C-
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach