I Feel Like I'm Not Pulling My Weight Around Here

This is an apology.

I guess I've been a little busy lately, what with the critically lauded production of Lakeboat over at Steep Theatre and preparing to add a little baby to my family.  I think that I'm just too pooped to pop, y'all!

Andy's been handling a bunch of the review duties these days, and thank god for him, you guys.  Thank GOD for him.  We've been trying to keep up with the intense interview schedule we've worked out for ourselves, and we're doing okay.  But, I haven't actually gone to see a theatre show in weeks.  It's one of those things where I'm in a show and I'm old and it's freezing outside and I'm saving money and all that blah blah blah.  Plus, it's going to be tough for me very soon because little baby Simon Ambrose (the Civil War historian/author my wife and I are siring) will be arriving and most theater shows are for adults because kids know better than to pay $75 for a ticket to something where they have to be quiet and polite for 3 hours.  Believe me, I've soiled my pants at plenty of theatre shows...but, I'm running out of excuses.

I think maybe I'll have to be better about reviewing things that aren't all about theatre...like being a new dad, or putting together a crib, or movies that just hit my On Demand list.  Dudes, don't worry...I still love theatre.  And I'm gonna review shows...because you deserve it.  But, please, accept this hug and know that I'm doing my best.  You're the greatest fans in the world, and just because I'm a hero doesn't mean I'll just rest on my laurels.  No laurel resting for this guy!  We've only just begun...TO LOVE!

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

Your Theater Company's Sustainability (Theater)

So, I hear you theater company is broke. I hear you are waiting on grants to come in. I hear your individual donations are down. You are having a hard time keeping your board members.
Well, friends, let's take a look at this!

1. Product:
When I was a kid, a store opened by my house in Louisville, Kentucky that sold things for your kitchen with olive patterns all over them. Spatulas and martini shakers and aprons and olives. And they ALL had olive patterns on them. Now, this store didn't last too long, and do you know why? The answer is because it is a shitty idea and olives are the wrong thing. If you put penises on the aprons or Looney Tunes characters on the spatulas, maybe you would stay in business.
That's the thing with a business, you have to sell something that enough people want for you to be successful. So maybe you should think about if your theater company sucks and sells olive martini shakers when I can go to Target and get a martini shaker with the Rolling Stones logo on it.
2. Evolution:
Sometimes things don't go the way you thought they were going to go. I could've sworn I was going to be a woman. Or at least Puerto Rican or Jewish, but fate had it's own agenda. Now I'm just a regular looking white dude, which has it's benefits, but at the end of the day I look just like most other people in our industry. That means I'm competing for work against Rob McLean, Geoff Button, Rob Kauzlaric, John Steinhagen, John Wilson and Trey Maclin. How do I do that?
Well, history tells me that if you want to survive in a hostile environment, you need to grow plates on your back or get an antler or something.
You need some tool to make you different and help you fend off predators and make people want to see YOU and not the House Theater. For example, I can put my leg behind my head and I'd like to see Dave Skvarla try that.
What can you offer me that I can't get elsewhere?
Seanachai has the market cornered on Irish people for example, so don't start another Irish company or you will probably fail.
3. Survival:
Everybody needs money, but do you really think that Chase Community money will really save you? It won't. Don't get me wrong, it can definitely help you out, but in the long run, you are going to need to make some changes. Let's take a look at the Journeymen. The Journeymen began in 1994, and in 1998 David Cromer directed the definitive American production of Angels in America, which got national interest in Chicago again until we blew it with Hizzoner. But the Journeymen couldn't survive with this one show! So they hunkered down and waited for their chance to shine again and now here they are with some sort of gay Romeo and Juliet which I bet is good but I probably won't see because Shakespeare with gay characters is like an olive shaped meat tenderizer to me. But they waited and lasted for the right time to make a peice of art that they NEEDED to make for whatever reason, and now they are back on top! Way to go Journeymen!

So listen gang, let's all take care of each other and get each others backs during this financial storm and also, stop making shitty plays. People love plays about politics and Ghostbusters, so just remember that. Also, please vote for my theater company in the Chase Giving, it just takes a minute and blah blah blah ;owiugahfweab

Your Theater Company
A+

-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

The Horrible, Horrible Squid Invasion (Humboldt Squid)

Guys?

GUYS?

Take a fucking look at this demon:

This is the Humboldt Squid, and just like Humboldt Park...it must be destroyed.

I'm certain you've heard that this monster has infiltrated our west coast over the last 7 years.  But maybe you didn't realize that these things are worse than anything in your nightmares.

They eat everything.  EVERYTHING.  They are not afraid to eat salmon, krill, trout, swordfish, anything.  There is one reported case of them ganging up and eating a human being, but of course the media won't tell you about that.

That's why you need to listen to me.  These Lovecraftian eldritch gods are not a joke.  I'm seriously scared to death.  I've taken to eating calimari at every meal, because I want to be able to say that I helped squash the squid invasion.

What can you do?  Please comment with ideas on Andy's review.  But not here.  I won't read them, because I'm in my squid-proof bunker awaiting the squidpocalypse.

THE UNIVERSE IS TRYING TO KILL US!  WHAT WILL YOU DO TO COMBAT THE SQUID MENACE???