Exclusive Interview with TOM HICKEY (interview)

This past year I have really been focusing on auditioning at different theater companies to get my name out there and really shine. Two of the great roles I auditioned for were STOLEN from under me by a catfish named Tom Hickey. Two roles I really wanted. I recently sat down with him to ask him how his "career" is going.

Andy

Good morning, Tom.

Tom

Morning, Anderson.

Andy

How are you today? I know you have been so busy lately!

Tom

Yes, I'm referring to this summer as the "Busy Summer" in all of my internal memos. Things have been very busy.

Andy

That's pretty cute. I'm busy too, you know.

Tom

What are you up to?

Andy

Well, just an example: I watched a movie last night.

Tom

I see. While you were watching this movie did someone take your gallbladder out?

Andy

Nope. Do you think I'm an idiot? You need your gall bladder.

Tom

Ha ha! That's a common misconception! Frankly, Andy: unless you're getting your gallbladder removed you are not down with what's on the streets. With the kids.

Andy

Hmmm. I'm not sure I believe you. Did you have yours out or something?

Tom

Yes. And that was a surprise. The "Busy Summer" really kicked into high gear when I had to go in to the hospital and have my gallbladder out.

Andy

I thought getting it out was like a weird sex thing.

Tom

"getting it out" is a weird sex thing but not getting it out - it has to do with the punctuation.

Andy

I see. So what projects are you working on right now, Tom?

Tom

Well, I'm in the last couple weeks of understudying at Steppenwolf for "A Parallelogram" and I'm also rehearsing "Thieves Like Us" for the House.

Andy

Steppenwolf, eh? What's it like working at Steppenwolf? I mean, as an understudy because you are probably too stupid to ever go onstage.

Tom

Steppenwolf is very cool. Most people there don't do anything but make theatre. It's their job. So they don't act weird and tense like those of us who, like, have non-theatre jobs. They are very nice and it's a cool play.

You also get to occasionally see some borderline famous people which can be interesting.

Andy

Have you met anyone famous like Lieutenant Dan?

Or Being John Malkovich?

Tom

Oh man, I only wish I could run into Sinise, Malkovich or my man Gary Cole. The Trinity, we call them. But Tom Irwin, who I'm understudying has done a lot of television. Someone I know saw the show and they told me "I didn't know you were understudying Claire Danes's dad from 'My So Called Life!'"

Which made me feel obscure AND old.

Andy

I don't know who Tom Irwin is, but you are old. I've met some famous people before too.

Tom

Didn't you once help Winston Churchill move a couch?

Andy

Oh you are so fucking hilarious.

How is the House Theater?

Tom

This is the second time I've worked with them. They're cool. This show has a lot of signature House-type stuff in it that I usually don't do. Like "pretend that you're in a car but there's really no car" and "pretend that this part of the stage is a bank and now IT'S NOT A BANK." There's a lot of stuff in "Thieves" that would be tough to do well for anyone other than the House.

Andy

Is there ribbon dancing? The show is probably going to be terrible. Have you met Nathan Allen, at least?

Tom

Nate Allen is a good man. I once accidentally dropped him on the floor and made Matt Hawkins mad at me.

Andy

Oh man. That sounds classic! So Tom. When you look back on your career as an actor, after you have died from not having a gall bladder, what do you want people to really remember about you?

Tom

That's probably a good question to ask myself considering my vision is growing dim and I feel death's bony fingers caressing my heart. Hmmm...

Andy

What about how you think you are better than everyone else?

Tom

Oh, that's old news.
I'm not sure I have an answer to your question but I DO think that my gravestone will say "He had lousy credit."

Andy

Thanks for sitting down with me, Tom. Have a great and fruitful career!

Tom

Thanks, Anderson!

Andy

Go to hell, Tom.

Aboriginal Religion (God Week)

This is what these nutsos think:

Well, let's be fair and start at the beginning.
Aboriginal people don't believe in things they can't see. Clearly. I mean, they must not believe in love or togetherness, because there are so few of them. They don't make "love" or "fucking".
But, and get this, they believe in nature and the things around them.

"Aboriginal deities have many roles and no single description or term can describe all of these. Based on their primary role, they fall into three main categories, and any one deity may belong to one, two, or all three of these categories:"

To save time, I will tell you what these are in a single description.

Ancestoral beings:

These are ghosts of your Grandpas and Grandmas, and will help guide your journey to the real parts of Australia.

Wet Beings:

Since they are close to the water and whatever and really like to drink stuff, these are those beings inside of food and rivers that make water and stuff wet.

Totemic Beings:
These are beings that make poles and tater totems. They are like tater tots, but have faces of Gods and other religious symbols inside of them.
They are still good with ketchup, but do not make them wet or a God of wetness will come and eat all your tater totems.

Anyway, these people are ridiculous. Get a job, and some pants, weirdos.

F+
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach