The Confession Stand (Catholic sacrament) GUEST REVIEWER Quierkki Boerkenhagan

I have a GodchurchBabyJesus review. The other day, at a street fair, I had too many Blue Moons at the Simon’s beer tent and I really had to pee. I can’t go into pour-the-pottys because as much as a I try and I try and I try, I look down. So there was this church and the door was open and everything. I asked this lady who worked there, well I thinked she worked there. She was lighting all the candles and she was crying so she must really not like her job but I THOUGHT she said first door on the right but maybe she said the first door on the left? But I went to the first door on the right and it was dark, dark, dark in there and I went in and I tried to find the light but you all, oh my God! There was this MAN in there behind this fence that had all these little holes in it and CHRIST that guy freaked me out, cause I thought he was one of those perverted catholic people that are always on the news and I was all like, “This isn’t the bathroom, beeyotch” but but then he was like, talking to me, calling me a CHILD and I was frozen in TERROR.

And then I was like to myself, “OMGOMGOMG –DUH Quorqi- this is a confession stand and I can’t remember about this room but I think am supposed to do bad things in here? And if I do them in here, I won’t get in trouble by my God? “

My God is different than other people’s Gods. That’s what my friend “Pallison” says.

And then I think I remembered something about beads and confession stands at parades and someone will give me beads like at the Mardi Gras so I lifted my shirt and showed the guy my boobies but the I didn’t get any fucking beads. I kept in trying, but he kept on gurgling. I think he was not feeling well. I said, “Whaza matter little fella?” I tried to stick my fingers in the little holes and pet him but he wasn’t in there anymore. So I tried really hard to do a few more sin things so I would go to Heaven and be forgiven, so I said lots of illegal God phrasings like “fuckin shit”, “God Damn baby Jesus” and a whole bunch of other stuff about sex and stealing lip gloss. Oh boy. I hope it was enough. I really had to pee, so after a couple of hours waiting for the guy to come back, I finally left.

But you know… God freaks me out, especially pictures of him with babies floating around his head, but it was very very very good and fun to use the confession stand and I am sure, vvvveeerryyy sure, that one day, I will be an angel.

Forrest Gump (movie) GUEST REVIEWER Quierkki Boerkenhagan

I like chocolate and I also like boxes so someone told me to watch this movie and I like it but I don’t get it. There is this boy and there is something wrong, like, retarded wrong with his legs and there is also something wrong with his head. Maybe he fell on it? Anyway, when he is growing up, his mom is Norma Rae. His first girlfriend is Jenny and she doesn’t mind that he is a retard, so they sit together on the bus. One day, he is going to get his ass kicked in, so Jenny yells at Forrest to run and he really likes to run so he runs and runs and runs until his leg thingies just fall right off! Then he is not retarded in the legs anymore but he still is in the head. He meets lots of famous people by accident. Then he meets this colored man, named Bubba who has a sexual shrimp fetish. They met in World War I. Also at the very bad war, they mee, Captain Dan, (who was also really a good actor in the Mice movie where the OTHER retarded guy in that movie kills the bunnies) and he gets shot and has to go into the wheelchair and they become BFF’s cause now they are both leg-tarded. Well, Forrest isn’t really anymore, but he remembers. So all this time, Forrest is looking for Jenny but he can’t find her because she is running around everywhere fucking hippies. But one day, Jenny feels bad for Forrest and then they have hot gnarled sex. WELL. She gets pregnant and then she dies and that is a really really bad part, but his son is just like Forrest but he is NOT damaged at all! They live happily ever after and hang out with people on benches. I thought the camera guy did a pretty good job most of the time and the clothes they wore were so funny. The end.