How To Write A Bio For A Program (Theatre Learning)

There is a burden that all theatre professionals have to deal with in our business. The very thought of it makes me paranoid and nervous.

At the beginning of every new production you are involved in, you receive an email that reads:

Hi (Show Title) Pro & Cast,

Your bios and headshots (if you are an actor) for The Show You Are In are due.

If you could please e-mail them to me it would be appreciated. Thanks, (Production Manager or Whoever Handles This)

I hate receiving this email because I never know what to say about myself. Should I talk about past awards and favorite roles? Should I speak of my affiliations? My feelings about the Government?


Well, today I am going to tell you the do's and don'ts of writing a great bio!

I know since everybody's season is getting started, this is very relevant and you will want to take notes.

First, I will write you a sample bio that has a bunch of mistakes and then we will dissect it to learn better.

Anderson Lawfer (Mamie Reardon) is thrilled to be part of this great production. You may have seen him in plays at Victory Gardens, Collaboraction, Steep Theater, About Face (Jeff nomination- Best Performance), the National Tour of Wicked (with Sigourney Weaver) which toured many prestigious theaters, among others. He is the Associate Artistic Director of Vampire Couch Theatre Company where he also serves as the literary manager and head playwright. He would like to thank his wife Lil RayRay and his daughters for their support and unconditional loyalty.

Seems harmless enough right?
WRONG!

This bio is making you look like a douchebag and let me tell you exactly why, in 5 points.

1. Anderson Lawfer (Mamie Reardon) is thrilled to be part of this great production.

If you say the word "thrilled" and don't use an exclamation point, then you are not thrilled.
For example:
Anderson is just thrilled to be getting married.
or
Anderson is just THRILLED to be getting married!

See? The second one is clearly more excited sounding, but it also makes you sound like a retard, so just avoid saying you are thrilled at all. This also goes for excited, pleased as punch, super excited, and having a great time working at this company.

2. You may have seen him in plays at Victory Gardens, Collaboraction, Steep Theater, About Face (Jeff nomination- Best Performance),

Nobody saw you in those things.

3.the National Tour of Wicked (with Sigourney Weaver) which toured many prestigious theaters, among others.

If you put some famous person's name in a show you were in, and are now doing a non equity show at LampSkunk Theatre Company, it looks like you have fallen very hard. Maybe it is because you quit doing tours to start a family and teach at DePaul, or maybe it is because you are an awful drunk that tried to bang the usher. The point is, we don't know why you didn't stay on the up and up, but you clearly didn't, so just leave it alone.

Prestigious Theaters read: Whites Only.

Among Others read: There are no others.

4. He is the Associate Artistic Director of Vampire Couch Theatre Company where he also serves as the literary manager and head playwright.

There is nothing wrong with this. That is actually a pretty sweet title.

5. He would like to thank his wife Lil RayRay and his daughters for their support and unconditional loyalty.

This is a grammatical error that drives me crazy. If you would like to thank them, then quit being a pussy and just thank them already!
Plus, if you are thanking your wife for support, you are lying to everyone. Your wife wants you to stop doing plays for free and get a second job.
Also, your daughters don't even remember you because you spend every night above a liquor store talking about what your new mission statement should be.

So now that we have discussed the don'ts, let's put all of these practices to work and make a true bio that you can be proud of!

Anderson Lawfer (Mamie Reardon) is a part of this production. You didn't see him in plays at Victory Gardens, Collaboraction, Steep Theater, About Face (Jeff nomination- Best Performance- Lost to Stacy Stoltz), the Regional Tour of Wicked (with Kerr Smith) which toured many diverse theaters, and no other plays. He is the Associate Artistic Director of Vampire Couch Theatre Company where he also serves as the literary manager and head beerdrinker. Thanks to his "wife" Lil RayRay and his daughters for not caring where he is, and to whomever in the cast he is undoubtedly having an emotional affair with right now.

Now that we know how to write a great bio, let's go out there and take back the programs!!

Have a great season everybody!

A+

-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Neverwhere - Lifeline Theatre (theatre review)

Hainsworth and Kauzlaric enter a Neverhole

This past Saturday, I left the beautiful sunny world of Chicago Illinois and ventured into a sick, twisted dimension of beasts, weirdos, funny accents, dry ice, and stage combat at the storied Lifeline Theatre.  That's right, I saw their already number one hit Neverwhere!

So, this show is one of those shows that makes use of Magical Realism or Urban Fantasy...that is, it's the author's intent to make a show that is like a Dungeons & Dragons game, but he didn't want to use gay unicorns or bags of holding.  Seriously, if I would have known this show had griffins or minotaurs in it or something I would have Never gone There.  Yep.

The show is based on funny books by Neil Gaiman, who is like a much nicer and better smelling Alan Moore.  It was adapted once already for the BBC, and I didn't see it but I bet it had fucking Daleks in it or weird acronyms that normal people never use.  Rob Kauzlaric adapted the show, and also starred as the protagonist Richard Mayhew.  Rob is really pretty and makes you want to join him on this epic journey into a sewer.  Paul S. Holmquist directed it, and his nimble fingers make deft use of having no money to actually make awesome monsters.  Sometimes, I appreciate having to use my imagination, and Holmquist gets inside your brain and does a sexy number on your pleasure centers.

The set is the traditional Lifeline showoff set, by showoff king Alan Donohue.  I don't know how he does it, or how drunk he gets at afterparties...but it's pretty drunk, guys, really.  Also, Alan's porno name is Mr. Brute Force.

So, this Richard Mayhew is a Scotsman in London with a boring ass job and a boring fiance (the chameleon-like Elise Kauzlaric) who wants him to be the Brit equivalent of a Lincoln Park Chad...which in London is a Nigel, I'm told.  They're running along, being all United Kingdomy and run across this poor woman named Door (a subtly radiant Katie McLean) who is a denizen of London Below - sewers - and is in a lot of trouble.  She talks to some rat puppets and Richard helps her out and enlists the help of the Marquis (Chris Hainsworth, channeling a young Treat Williams) so she can get back to the underground.

Then all hell breaks loose and Richard's life has disappeared in London Above.  WTF, y'all????  So, he goes on a pretty standard Joseph Campbell style hero's quest into London Below to try and get his life back.

Did this guy just lose his marbles?  All of a sudden, he's involved with a woman who can make doors appear anywhere, two apparently ancient hitmen cutthroats (Christopher Walsh and Sean Sinitski make the most of these scumbags, evoking all the fine British comedy teams like Benny Hill and naked chicks, or Graham Chapman and bags of coke), a black huntress who MIGHT just be playing both sides against the middle (Kyra Morris brings down the house, Angela Bassett watch out!), and a fallen Angel who has a +7 Key of Opening (Phil Timberlake creeping it up).

I don't mean to be a negative nelly, but I had no idea what was going on for a while.  But then, I realized that doesn't matter.  With a crazy quest show like this, it's about the journey not the destination...and what an ambitious and whack-job journey it is!

If you are a fan of shows that explore what it means to make important decisions about life and really bitchin' lighting effects then go check out Neverwhere at the Lifeline!  Also, their staff is so sweet and nice...they even put blankets out if people are too cold in the air conditioning, which is really super since the place used to be a meat packing plant.

B, but A- if you know what your THAC0 is.

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

Dead Wrong (Factory Theatre)

Dead Wrong is a play about murder, rape, cops, and shoes. There's plenty of people in it, but one of them is Josh Graves. It's an electrifying tale. A murder happens, and then cops try to solve it. These cops are terrible...well, one of them is. He keeps hanging out with psychos...notably a woman who we don't think is a psycho, but if you believe that (spoiler) you're dead wrong. You'd also be dead wrong if you think you can follow the story...but that's a blessing, because visually this show hearkens back to Picasso's Guernica and the work of Tom Hickey (he paints in his spare time). Go along for the ride, and don't eat the popcorn they give you, it was handled by a Mexican.
-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

Welcome!

Hello Internet Neighbors! Eric & Andy here with our latest venture...Reviews You Can Iews! You might have seen our fantastic reviews on Facebook, which will be reprinted here tomorrow, if we have the time and care about it. We'll be reviewing everything...from theatrical productions to record albums to appliances to sports to Hey Jude being sung by 3rd Graders in New York to television shows to whatever stop asking me!!!

But, please make this your one stop plop for all the reviews...that you...can IEWS!

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer