Ethnic Types (People of Earth)

Now listen, America. I ain't a racist dude. I appreciate all races and creeds and tongues and colors of this beautiful state.
I also realize that everyone is the same and has the same problems in life. I'm not here to say otherwise.
I am here to help you out a little bit, filmmakers and college professors.
For example, yesterday I was watching a movie, a horror movie. The movie started in the darkness with a young couple in an expensive car, making out and driving to a motel after they had just been married. Now this all seems reasonable, right? It was, except that they were KOREAN. Or Japanese, or something Chinese. Now I know that Korean people or whatever they were get married (probably in some weirdo snake lover Godless way) and are allowed to stay in whatever motel they want, but don't you think, filmmaker, that you could've gotten more mileage out of them leaving a karate contest or something? I mean, if you are gonna cast Korean guys, USE IT.
If I see a spanish lady walking down the street, I don't immediately call immigration, because it isn't right to do that. BUT I COULD. This is my country, and I know that she is here illegally. So why isn't she nicer to me? Or when a black person comes to my house, I never offer them food, because I'm positive they just got done eating at a family reunion or something, I don't know, but at least they just had some chips on the bus ride over.
There is nothing racist about being right, college kids.
Have you ever shook hands with a polish man who wasn't covered in drywall dust? Nope.
Or a Jewish woman who wasn't worried about the temperature?
Here is another example:
I was out drinking at a bar, after a long day of being rich and watching baseball, when I stumbled into a bar.
Who should be at the end of the bar besides an honest to God Native American.
Well, we sat and talked about his tribe or whatever it was, and their traditional dwellings and patterns for their headdresses or whatever, I wasn't really listening, when what does he ask me?
He asks me for money for another beer.
OF COURSE HE DOES, HE IS AN INDIAN.
Well, I said no, because he would just spend it on firewater or craps.
Then I threw a bag of cigarette butts and an old tire on the ground to see if he would cry, but he had already turned around and gotten money from another generous "round eye".
Look, all I'm saying is, if you are Chinese, it won't hurt to carry around a violin every now and then.
Give the people what they want.
B+
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Larry the Cable Guy (comic genius)

Do you know who Dan Whitney is? Of course you don't, that dude is a loser. But you sure as fuck know who Larry the Cable Guy is! Larry is not a real cable guy, because real cable guys aren't as funny as he is and they always keep me waiting. Not Larry...he brings the humor that I enjoy within the prescribed window of time (8 to noon or noon to 4).

There are comedians out there who play with words...not Larry, he obliterates words. Have you heard his "catch phrases"? They are part of the American vernacular now, what with millions of Southerners and people who want to be Southerners always wanting me to GIT-R-DONE! I will do just that, people imitating Larry the Cable Guy!

"That was scarier than Richard Simmons chasin' after you with a box of rubbers!" exclaims Larry in one of his postmodern routines. See, no one has the inclination to actually be a homophobe or a racist anymore, instead we like our bigotry and hatred of gays to come from characters who speak their minds and won't let the man get them down! In fact, the man sells most of Larry's comedy output, because he makes most of his money from Wal-Mart and pontoon boat docks.

Anyways, look up "Poop Lasagna" on his latest album Morning Constitutions. You'll never have to worry about something being funny again, because Larry is there to install it in your tv of hilariousness!

A+.

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

Arby's (Restaurant)

In this day and age, with all the hoopla over counting "calories", my favorite restaurant has fallen behind the trend.
Arby's Grill, while on the cutting edge of roast beef technology, has not focused the way the market has required them to in the other aspects of customer satisfaction.
When you think of Arby's, what do you think of?
Jamocha Shakes? Beef and Cheddars? 5 things for $5? Soda?
There are a lot of things that Arby's can offer you, but until recently, healthy, heart-conscious fare that women will like to eat as well as look at.
That's why I was so relieved to stop into my local Arby's Grill Company and find the new additions to the already expansive menu of affordable and delicious items.
For the kids, be sure to try the healthy and delicious "curly apples" served with fresh caramel. If you want something bubbly, try a "diet Coke", but the new item, besides the "fresh submarines" that really grabbed my attention was the new "Arby's Salad".
Well, my friends, the Arby's people have outdone themselves with this one.
I'll give you my description of how this healthy, light masterpiece works together.
With your initial choice of Arby's Sauce Vinagarette, or the Horsey Ranch Sauce, you can't go wrong! I decided against both at first, really watching my intake, so just opting for margarine.
Then you have a choice of piles of freshly cut roast beef, or if you choose, you can "mountainize it", exchanging piles of roast beef for mountains of dripping wet roast beef.
Then, next on the decadence train, a smooth creamy layer of chipotle mayonaisse, covering the healthiest of all things, corn.
All of this luxury on top of a crisp bed of fried lettuce, and served inside a container.
Now, I'm no chef, but if you are looking for a better, lighter meal then this, you better start trying to find a "McDonald's".
Arby's A+
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Swedes (people)

The Swedes are an ethnic group that mostly live in Sweden but they've branched out to Finland and Andersonville, so I guess I have to talk about them. Swedes pretty much think they are fucking awesome, being tall and nordic and having great bikini teams and all that. They also make weird sausages out of horse meat and lingonberry jam. A lingonberry tastes like a cross between kitty litter and the music of Tom Petty.

There are 7.5 million Swedes in Sweden and 4.3 million people of Swedish descent in America. What the hell America? Race mixing? Is that what we've come to? Luckily, they're white, so it'll "play in Peoria" as they say. Peoria is lousy with Swedes.

I just can't stand them. With their cakes and their big breasts and their incredibly tasty breakfasts. How am I supposed to resist that? I'm half Slovak, and all we have going for us is that we were pussy enough to get totally conquered by just about everyone up to and including the Nazis. Swedes make fucking great Nazis. Remember that.

Maybe things will get better if they just keep their snow and incredibly painterly and artistic films to themselves. Give me football and beer, I'm ready to party. These damn Swedes can't even learn to drink right. Did you know a lot of their bars won't even let you in unless you're 23 and in a band? Everyone in Sweden is in a Jazz fusion band.

This is what happens when Swedes take over the world: the sun comes out at midnight, we have to eat pancakes all the time, and no one ever takes a nap. Thanks a lot, Sweden.

F.

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

Brett Favre (Biography)

(pronounced /ˈfɑrv/) (born October 10, 1969, in Gulfport, Mississippi) is an American football quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings. He was the starting quarterback for the Green Bay Packers between 1992 and 2007 and the New York Jets in 2008.
After first being traded from the Atlanta Falcons to the Green Bay Packers after only one season as a backup quarterback, Favre quickly became a hero in professional football. His popularity grew in Green Bay when the locals became confused by his complicated passing offense and was briefly considered a wizard. This, in time, grew to be his next battle to fight.
On trial for wizardry in 1996, Favre was quoted as saying in a courtroom, "I am not a wizard."
This satisfied the illiterate Wisconsin natives, and he was returned to his job as High Commander and Dragon Lizard Warrior of the Green Bay Packers.
Favre, over 17 years ran up enough numbers to be considered the most technically best and awesomest quarterback in the history of football.
In 2006, Favre's wife, was diagnosed with breast cancer, and Favre decided to retire to spend time with his family and also to begin a foundation for survivors of Hurricane Katrina.
After his wife got better, and the people in the south continued to stay alive, Favre, in a blind rage, tore apart his foundation, calling it "a place for blacks" and "my wife is a bitch".
Favre immediately returned to the NFL, this time going as far away from his beloved southland as possible, playing for the New York Jets.
"At least I know what these Jews want from me", Favre was quoted as saying at his signing ceremony.
Later that same year, Favre's wife apologized for having cancer and he returned home, mercifully forgiving her and giving her more money.
The television coverage of this was the biggest coverage of a professional sports player returning to his sport since Rube Waddel returned to the circus from the Chicago Cubs in 1906, largely thought of as the grandfather news story of modern sporting news.
Since his return and subsequent retirement, there have been 8 cable channels dedicated solely to Favre's returns and retirements. ESPN has begun entire programming blocks just to show Favre throwing footballs to high school children called "Favre for You."
This year, after deciding to stay retired, he returned home to his family, looked around and tried to run to a local hospital for "shoulder surgery", but this was not far enough away from his beloved Deanna.
After his "surgery" he immediately accepted a deal with the Minnesota Vikings. He has always worn number 4, as he puts it, "because that's how many times I like to hit my children" and "the number of books I've read".
Favre is now the High Commander and Dragon Lizard King of the Minnesota Vikings, signing a 2 year deal worth 12 million dollars for him, and 13 million dollars for his wife.
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Win A Dream Date With Eric & Andy!

Hey faithful bloggoids!

Have we got a deal for you! In order to drum up business for the blog that people are calling "available" and "legible" and "kind of entertaining", we are holding the 1st ever "Buy Us A Dream Date" Sweepstakes!

Here's the deal...every new follower that signs up will get to go out with Andy and Eric on a whirlwind tour of The Second City. Dinner at The Signature Room, followed by club hopping all night long! And maybe, if you're sexy enough, we'll even have sex with you!**

This is the opportunity of a lifetime, America! Get on board the Andy & Eric train today!






**You will pay for the entire evening. Dinner does not have to be The Signature Room, it can be IHOP. Note please that Eric & Andy may not speak to you the entire night. If you speak to them, they will most likely ignore you. If sex occurs, remember 1) no kissing on the mouth, and 2) no condoms. Eric & Andy remind you that they are not responsible for any pregnancies or STDs that may occur. Odds are 10 to 1.

Why is it so hard for us? (Think Piece)

Man, life sure is hard for us. We have to go to offices, or work as artists, or take government money for not working in offices.
Look at those fucks in Africa. They get to run all day long, or do laundry, or wear baskets on their heads.
Fuck them. So uppity.

On my way to work this morning, I sat on a crowded bus that was behind a garbage truck. When I got off the bus, I was immediately greeted by a "Zales diamonds" sign, telling me to buy a woman a ring, or else she will leave me for someone with a big penis, or could possibly buy her a ring. Then, I got to work and was hungry. What should I do? There's a chinese place next door, and a five guys across the street, a subway and a mexican joint a half block down.
FUUUUUUCK!
Why can't this stuff be decided for me? I'm sick of choice!
In Africa, they don't have to worry about choosing things.
They tell them what they are going to get, or they just don't get anything. AND THAT'S FINE TOO!
Anything is better then this. Every week, there is Monday, and I hate Mondays.
For example, this week I had to wake up, go to lunch with my girlfriend (in a car), take a nap, and then go have a beer with a "client".
In Africa, you don't have to worry about clients, or naps, because you don't have anything to do besides not get AIDS.
Well, I have to not get AIDS, too, guys.
What's so fucking hard about that.

They get to just run all day and night, and then they come to America and win our marathons, and take our deals with shoe companies.
Well, I guess I gotta go back to reading political blogs and eating granola.

We'll see how Africa likes it when I move THERE.
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

The Ten Commandments (God Week rules)

OK, so here's the Ten Commandments. These rules from God were brought down from Moses when all the Jews were worshipping a gold cow and having orgies and smoking weed and really having a lot of fun. Here comes Moses to ruin it all!

These rules are pretty dumb:

1. You shall not worship any other god but me.

But what if I want to worship my shoes? My shoes do a lot for me and work really hard. Can't I worship God and my shoes? This one makes no sense.

2. You shall not make a graven image.

Of who, God? No problem...can't see him. But, what about Jesus on the cross at churches and shit? BLAM, got ya God!

3. You shall not take the name of God in vain.

I really really hurt myself though. So, invalid. That shit slips out when you cut yourself on a tuna fish can.

4. You shall not break the Sabbath.

What about Black Sabbath? They're still touring, America. YOU CAN'T BREAK THEM UP.

5. You shall not dishonor your parents.

Fuck your parents.

6. You shall not murder.

Murder your parents. Two birds, one stone and all that jazz. Jizz.

7. You shall not commit adultery.

I think this is getting really stupid. There are some HOT chicks out there.

8. You shall not steal.

Unless you can get away with it. Yoink! Free lighter!

9. You shall not commit perjury.

Now...huh? This is really on this list? Fine, he DIDN'T kill the clerk, he just took the money.

10. You shall not covet.

I covet all the time. Strike me dead.

These rules are a waste of time. They are also repetetive. I suggest How To Win Friends and Influence People. At least those rules make sense in this crazy modern world.

D.

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

Aboriginal Religion (God Week)

This is what these nutsos think:

Well, let's be fair and start at the beginning.
Aboriginal people don't believe in things they can't see. Clearly. I mean, they must not believe in love or togetherness, because there are so few of them. They don't make "love" or "fucking".
But, and get this, they believe in nature and the things around them.

"Aboriginal deities have many roles and no single description or term can describe all of these. Based on their primary role, they fall into three main categories, and any one deity may belong to one, two, or all three of these categories:"

To save time, I will tell you what these are in a single description.

Ancestoral beings:

These are ghosts of your Grandpas and Grandmas, and will help guide your journey to the real parts of Australia.

Wet Beings:

Since they are close to the water and whatever and really like to drink stuff, these are those beings inside of food and rivers that make water and stuff wet.

Totemic Beings:
These are beings that make poles and tater totems. They are like tater tots, but have faces of Gods and other religious symbols inside of them.
They are still good with ketchup, but do not make them wet or a God of wetness will come and eat all your tater totems.

Anyway, these people are ridiculous. Get a job, and some pants, weirdos.

F+
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

The Catholic Church's Mandatory Class on How To Protect Your Children From Evil Pedophiles (God Week classes) GUEST REVIEWER MIKE BEYER

My children go to a Catholic elementary school in the city. The school itself is pretty excellent, and does a nice job of involving the parents and their wallets in our children's education. However, there are certain realities associated with Catholic schools -- chiefly the issue of those randy priests! Fortunately for us parents, the Archdiocese is here to help. They offer a one-day seminar that teaches exactly how to spot those nasty child molesters who lurk at every turn. And really, who better to offer this lesson than a bunch of priests?

Like a good Catholic, I saw the movie Doubt, just to get a look at the good old days when times were right! That movie taught me that occasionally there is a good reason for pedophilia -- if it protects the child in question from racism. With that in mind, my wife and I attended the Church's seminar -- which is required if we want to so much as set foot in our beloved school.

The seminar took place in a gigantic conference room in a church on Chicago's South Side. Like the church itself, this room was once glorious but is now covered in dust and the smell of mothballs. I was the only male in the room -- which turned me into a convenient target for these mothers' fear. I was happy to be that target if it meant the future protection of my children from godless scum who crave youngsters.

We were shown several videotapes on pedophilia, which taught me to keep on the lookout for dudes in ponytails with glasses and goatees. Forget the priests -- THEY are the danger! They got rid of all the bad or confused priests. Now the good ones remain, and they are here to help. But....kids should still avoid them at all costs. Just to prevent any kind of loose talk.

REVIEW: B+ My kids are now safe. Thanks Church!

Catholic School Girls (God Week fetish)

Girls are pretty cool when you are just looking at them. Like, when they stand there or lie there or recline on pool tables wearing things or taking things off or whatnot. That's the best. It's when they start talking is when things get complicated. I always wonder if I should answer or just let them keep talking. That's the hardest part. It's even harder when they are in little catholic school girl outfits.

What American doesn't like catholic school girls? The little uniforms, plaid skirts, and oral fixations so they'll remain virginal? I've only met a few real catholic school girls in my life but all of them were awesome. Katherine was the best one...she was really into God, and also really into taking her shirt off. God and I were both very proud of her for that. Most of the time you only see catholic school girls in certain movies that either come out of the San Fernando Valley or out of you and your wife's camcorder after the kids went to sleep and you both stayed up to watch "The Craft." The latter ones usually aren't that great. No one likes a catholic school woman...because that's a nun and nuns aren't supposed to have sex, even though they TOTALLY put out for other nuns. I bet convents are really great places to party.

OH, and also knee high socks!
A+.
-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

Golem (God Week Monster Jews)

A Golem, as the story goes, was created by a Rabbi in Prague to protect the Ghetto from outside forces, and to summon dead people as witnesses in court trials.

Okey doke.
I mean, that's not what I saw on the X-Files, but whatevs. The X-Files had a much more realistic version of Golems. It is a monster created from God's earth, controled by Jews to take over the media, or something. I fell asleep, but I remember a mud guy punching Al Roker.

Sometimes, they were also made of clay, or "adobe" as the natives of Europe would've called it, if they weren't run off to America by settlers and given small pox.
Also, it's clear that Golems were Christian and stolen from the Jews in the dark of the night. Why else weren't they there on the Nina, Pinta, or Santa Maria?
Is it because they were protecting us from the Jews in Europe? Yes it is.

Anyway, Golems, or as I call them, "Dirt Snowmen" have become an obscure legend in most of the world, but I'm here to remind us that, the dirt could always just reach up and grab your foot and make you testify in court, if that dirt was first convinced to do so by a Rabbi or someone else who is Jewish or something like that.
Golems:
B+
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

The Confession Stand (Catholic sacrament) GUEST REVIEWER Quierkki Boerkenhagan

I have a GodchurchBabyJesus review. The other day, at a street fair, I had too many Blue Moons at the Simon’s beer tent and I really had to pee. I can’t go into pour-the-pottys because as much as a I try and I try and I try, I look down. So there was this church and the door was open and everything. I asked this lady who worked there, well I thinked she worked there. She was lighting all the candles and she was crying so she must really not like her job but I THOUGHT she said first door on the right but maybe she said the first door on the left? But I went to the first door on the right and it was dark, dark, dark in there and I went in and I tried to find the light but you all, oh my God! There was this MAN in there behind this fence that had all these little holes in it and CHRIST that guy freaked me out, cause I thought he was one of those perverted catholic people that are always on the news and I was all like, “This isn’t the bathroom, beeyotch” but but then he was like, talking to me, calling me a CHILD and I was frozen in TERROR.

And then I was like to myself, “OMGOMGOMG –DUH Quorqi- this is a confession stand and I can’t remember about this room but I think am supposed to do bad things in here? And if I do them in here, I won’t get in trouble by my God? “

My God is different than other people’s Gods. That’s what my friend “Pallison” says.

And then I think I remembered something about beads and confession stands at parades and someone will give me beads like at the Mardi Gras so I lifted my shirt and showed the guy my boobies but the I didn’t get any fucking beads. I kept in trying, but he kept on gurgling. I think he was not feeling well. I said, “Whaza matter little fella?” I tried to stick my fingers in the little holes and pet him but he wasn’t in there anymore. So I tried really hard to do a few more sin things so I would go to Heaven and be forgiven, so I said lots of illegal God phrasings like “fuckin shit”, “God Damn baby Jesus” and a whole bunch of other stuff about sex and stealing lip gloss. Oh boy. I hope it was enough. I really had to pee, so after a couple of hours waiting for the guy to come back, I finally left.

But you know… God freaks me out, especially pictures of him with babies floating around his head, but it was very very very good and fun to use the confession stand and I am sure, vvvveeerryyy sure, that one day, I will be an angel.

Plagues of Egypt (God Week)

Locusts, gnats, frogs, flies, and sick cows. Well well well, God, you must be crazy if you think these things will work nowadays. What is to stop me from just going inside away from sneezy cows and frog rain?
I mean, I guess I gotta give you props for thinking up stuff that no human would've EVER thought of, and only a God could have been creative enough to invent.
But if you think of it, back then, people who ran the fly farms would've had a really hard time if all of their fly crops started dieing. Some of the other plagues were, blood rivers, unhealable boils, darkness (maybe a plague to heterosexuality), and my personal favorite, hail mixed with fire. I mean, GOD DAMN that would be crazy, guys.
Is it cold? Yep. Hot? Yep. Dang.

So, naturally, I started thinking about the plagues and what God could do nowadays to wash away the nonbelievers. Here is my list of new plagues...

iGnats- I saw where God was going with these gnats, but that just won't do nowadays. Today we are more sophisticated so we'd need gnats that come through the internet and could possibly affect our annual porno crop.

Bad Eyesight- Has plagued me for years, this is more of an inconvenience.

Pissed-off Conservative Women- Because, seriously, pick one or the other.

Rivers of Blood- This is the same as God's plague. CREEPY!!!!

Cheaply Made Jesus Candles- Because, while this really isn't ironic, irony is a plague.

Cancer- Maybe you should believe in God a little more.

I hope these are helpful as we are looking more towards the end of the world, if I were you, I'd start packing my bags for space, because God can not get us there.
God's Plagues:
C+
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Creationism (Stupid Idea)

Now listen, I'm not one of those crazy guys that thinks that he's right about everything. I'm pretty sure I'm wrong about a LOT of stuff, and some stuff, I pretend to know a lot about and could talk to you for hours about, but really don't know Jack's Dick about.

Card games, for example, I don't know anything about, and health care. Black people is another thing, and what about different kinds of stock options, or how to make a woman happy.
"Well, the thing you need to remember about women is, they are always mad at their fathers."
See? That can't possibly be true, because there are women I haven't met before, and they can't all be like the women I know.
There is one thing I am certain of, and that is that Creationism is incorrect. Do you mean to tell me that we didn't come from monkeys? Do you really not believe in evolution? The natural biological process proven YEARS ago by science?
What's that?
You don't believe in science?
When I was a child, I had to do a science fair project, and since I had an old dog, I did an experiment entitled, "Can old dogs learn new tricks?"
You know what? They can't. I proved it, just as monkeys and midgets have proved to us that evolution is real. Did you ever watch "My Giant"? That tall guy is what we will all be one day when we evolve into huge drooling Albanians. We will be long dead by then, but our children will be huge Space Albanians.
Read a book, dude.
I'm sick of being the smartest guy out there.
Go to hell, Creationism.
F-
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Lutheran Confirmation (classes)

Hell yes it's God Week on Reviews You Can Iews, and today I decided to stick close to my heart when deciding what you can iews. That's why this honky chose Lutheran Confirmation classes. So if you're a Lutheran, or as I like to call them "Catholics with a keg in the multi-purpose room," you have to take two years of confirmation classes to basically validate your entire existence. These start in 6th grade and happen one day a week for 2 years. Basically, a totally bogus way to make me not play Nintendo. Thanks, God. We would sit in the church basement, which smelled like milk and hell, and our pastor (Pastor GERALD...read nothing into this) would explain what awesome shit Martin Luther got up to in the Dark Ages. He was a monk that was sick of all those rules like "Hey don't ever have sex!" and "Hey keep flogging yourself, it's kickass!" He nailed (yeah, nailed) his 95 Theses (yeah, theses) to the door of the church in Austerdam, or whatever shithole in Germany he was from and banged all sorts of dirty nuns. Luther is the patron saint of nun banging. This freaked everyone out so hard that they threw his ass in a castle and locked him up. Unfortunately for them, there was a printing press there (OH SNAP Y'ALL!) and he printed bibles for everyone to read. Well, I wish he would have put something in there about not shoplifting from Walgreens during confirmation classes, because I sure did. One day, I stuffed a few pens, a calculator, 12 Hershey's bars (almond) and some hairbrushes into my coat. I thought I was all David Niven...turns out I was all David Naughton (he was a failed actor in the 80s). I was stopped by the entire Walgreens staff and made to go wait in the managers office for my mom. This caused all sorts of problems for me. Pastor Gerald didn't know what to do with me after that. So, I finished out my confirmation classes and answered all the questions and won the day. Or something. I don't remember. But, it sure was neat learning all those things about religion...they certainly left a mark.
-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

John Hughes (Movie Director)

John Hughes, the man behind hundreds of movies about teen angst and hardship and overcoming adversity has perished. I did not like most of his movies, but I'm always sad to see a fellow person bite the big pillow of life.
But, come to think of it, there was one movie he made that really inspired me, and was also the first time I got to touch a girls boob.
Highlander is a movie about a teenager in Scotland who kills an immortal giant and Sean Connery is a Mexican and there are Japanese people too. This is all well and good.
Also, the Scottish kid has to do homework (HOMEWORK!!?) and has a montage of dancing and trying on clothes and spilling a milkshake on his immortal warlock uncle at the mall.
Anyway, I went with a group of friends in my mom's minivan when I was 13.
"bye Mom!"
Little did my mom know that I would soon be touching somebody elses breasts. It had been a while since I had touched any breasts, but it's like riding a bicycle. A bicycle with nipples. 13 year old nipples.
Well, we went to see one movie, I think it was Independence Day. Independence Day was always sold out, so will be getting a bad review later on.
We had to see Highlander, directed by John Hughes. He really understood what it was like to be a teenager, I think. Me and Sarah, or Erin, or Tina sat and pretended like we were watching the movie, but we all knew what was about to happen. She was getting her boobs ready to be touched when I jumped the gun and grabbed away. I was positive I would be swiped away, but thankfully for me and my sweaty face I was not.
I touched the left one with my left hand. You see, we had to look like we were just sitting there with our arms crossed, or my friend Pat sitting next to me would see, and then everybody in school would know that I touched Jennifer, or Sandy or whatever's boobs!
Well, just when I was gonna go for the right one too, Pat got up to use the bathroom, and I got scared and chickened out. So, in the end, only the left one got touched. Man, was I nervous!!
Anyhow, Karen, or Susan left with her friends before the credits roled, but I will always remember seeing the images of Highlander by John Hughes that helped make me a man.
Now I can say with confidence, Two Boobs Enter, One Boob Leaves (without being touched by Andy).
A+
Thank you John Hughes
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Miami Vice (tv cop show)

The Vice Squad. That's the part of the police department that deals with drugs, hookers, bombs, fast cars, pastel shirts, money laundering, bosses who don't smile, samurais, and cheese cloth. At least according to Miami Vice, a tv show that started in the mid-80s, when things really started getting weird for America. This was a show about Crockett & Tubbs, and Elvis the crazy alligator they lived with on a sailboat that never got used. These guys were really "tubular", as they were cops but somehow could afford Ferraris and Ray-Ban sunglasses for every day of the week. This show was more like a video that you'd see on MTV or Friday Night Videos or at my house on YouTube. Everything was really slow, and there were lots of shots...shots like of a car wheel driving on a street for 2 minutes while Glenn Frey sang about smuggling. These shots represented DESPAIR. The boss was Edward James Olmos, who has made a career of playing Hispanic authority figures, and this paved the way for our 1st Latina supreme court judge. He never got mad, he just was never happy. Probably because the cops looked like they made a million dollars a day and he had really bad acne scars. I'll bet he drank a lot at home alone, like in Home Alone. Anyway, the cops were always after terrible Cubans who did awful things and always got away with it. Then a Phil Collins song would play and Tubbs would do a little dance. Every episode ended like this. Not very original. I'm ready to give it another chance, though.
B-.
-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

Cats (Musical)

In times like this, people turn to laughter to help them through the terrible, lonely abyss that is their sad, pathetic little lonely lives.
That's why "Everybody Loves Raymond" got to be so popular. People could see themselves in those angry, mean, screaming women and their inept husbands, and that made them laugh.
This is also the case with a musical I've just seen called "Cats".
Cats is a modern day fable about cats. Now, there isn't a "plotline" per se, or any sort of "plotline", but that doesn't stop the impending hysterics!!
In this show we meet all sorts of cats with jobs! There's a pirate cat, a baker cat, and that's just two of the literally thousands of cats who work and play in this dream junkyard of cat souls.
Why there is an astronaut cat, a baseball player cat, a mattress salesman cat, and an old cat lady cat that has a lot of cats!
All these cats fit together to make a great patchwork of life inside this seemingly endless junkyard of dreams. They will sing you songs, (my favorite was "Memories", a song about high school) and tell you great tales of courage. Who needs to know why!?
After the 2 hour first act of seeing people try to move like cats, but still move like people in fur coats, it feels like no time till the end of intermission.
My only problem with this musical is, I wish they were snakes instead. I mean, can you imagine a junkyard of baseball playing snakes!!?
EEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!
I'd DEFINITELY try to hit a homerun and GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE!!!
Anyway, it was a great time, but still, think about snakes.
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Facebook on August 6th, 9 AM (social networking website)

OK, Facebook is really crap this morning. You know how you can chat with people all day and it's like a party at work and it's TOTALLY the best and you feel like you have a million friends and everyone's really nice and invites you to a lot of stuff even though you usually don't go even when you mark "Attending"??

Well, today it's like a stupid board meeting with a bunch of socially retarded deaf-mutes and the coffee sucks and there's no sugar and the Powerpoint presentation just got the blue screen of death and the chairs have 3 legs longer than the 4th leg and your seat feels like razor wire and someone just got shot and YOU DID IT.

Fuck you Facebook. Get back to normal before I have to go to MySpace again. LIFE = RUINED.
-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

My Kid's Magic Show (Magic Show) GUEST REVIEWER MIKE BEYER

My wife and I recently attended a new work on Monday night called "Declan and Jessie's Magic Show". And, um....yeah. This piece needs to be workshopped A LOT before it's anywhere close to being show-ready. The performers themselves have a ton of energy but the show itself is severely unfocused. And that's being kind.

But hey -- I am their father, and that's why I'm here. I mean, how am I supposed to raise the next Haley Joel Osment or Jamie Lynn Spears if they're going to put out stuff like this?

The show, which ran a merciful nine minutes, began promisingly with an introduction by 4-year-old Jessie Beyer, a sparkly blonde who is actually the brains of this duo. It then immediately segued into a nice "magnetic wand" trick by 7-year-old Declan Beyer, another towhead with real ambition and a manic intensity (wonder where he gets that?).

The opening illusion itself was very well done, but immediately led to serious problems -- in the form of open discontent among the cast over the direction of the show. Sadly, this professional jealousy would plague the rest of the piece.

There was also an unbelievably long amount of dead space in between tricks as Declan seemed unable to decide which trick should be next. (CRITIC'S NOTE: Setlist, anyone? Who directed this?) Jessie would suggest a number of tricks, which were instantly rejected by Declan while the audience grew increasingly uncomfortable.

Finally, Declan came out and did a "flipping wand" trick. This was an interesting choice for a follow-up, and certainly something I've never seen before. However, I was unsure where the actual magic lay in flipping a wand like a baton up in the air and catching it over and over again. He received only polite applause for this, which deflated his confidence a bit. As a parent, I constantly second-guess myself when it comes to the kids. Perhaps I should have clapped harder. Perhaps I should have "oohed" and "ahhed" more. Perhaps I shouldn't have let that 8-year-old kid in to see "Dead Wrong" the other night....

ANYWAY, the show seemed to regain a bit of momentum when Jessie rightly seized upon the dead space to regale the audience (of two) with fine, spirited renditions of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" and an improvised composition called "We're Doing a Music Show Now". The songs were much better received than either of the two previous tricks. This caused the simmering tensions to burst forth into an open argument. At first, I laughed, thinking it was scripted.

But then Declan snapped, "It's Declan and Jessie's Magic Show, not Magic And Music Show!" And Jessie replied, "I'm tired of being the assistant! I want to sing!" This made me question how long Declan And Jessie can continue in their present form.

The rest of the show continued on, as the actors did their jobs in relatively tense silence. Declan rattled off a few tricks smartly, starting with the "Cut The Rope In Half And Put It Back Together" magic box, a "Watch Me Make Cards Appear Out of Nowhere" trick, and ending with the "Disappearing Stars On The Card" trick, which Jessie unwisely spoiled by saying, "You're putting your thumb over the star, NOT making it disappear!" This had the predictable effect on Declan, leading to yet another public confrontation. And of course, Jessie's space-filler songs between acts continued to outshine the tricks themselves. They wouldn't even hold hands at the end of the show during the curtain call! TENSION.

Honest critique among performers -- good. Honest critique in the middle of the performance -- bad. In particular, Jessie really needs to learn how to be a pro, bottle up her rage over the show until the post mortem, and THEN explode over everyone in shocking fashion.

GRADE FROM DAD: C-
-Mike Beyer

Personal Reviews and Portraits You Can Iews!

For just $25 and a self addressed envelope, we will send you a personal review and hand drawn portrait of a friend or lover.
Please make checks out to Eric Roach and send them to
1509 W Sherwin #2S
Chicago IL 60626

Please be sure to indicate the color of person we are drawing, and get ready for a review on CARDSTOCK.

The Watchmen (Movie)

The Watchmen is a movie based on a "graphic novel".
A "graphic novel" is what adults call a "comic book" if they still live with their parents.
This movie and graphic novel is about a group of super heroes, I guess, who all sleep with each other and rape their friends.
The beginning of this movie was very good when they all talked to President Kennedy and there were Bob Dylan songs.
Then, there was a guy with a mask on, but the mask kept changing shapes, which seems neat to the average movie-goer, but to the trained eye seemed like an excuse for not knowing how to make a really badass mask, like a Mexican wrestler. He was pissed at everyone, but mumbled all his lines, so I'm not sure why he was mad.
Also, there was a blue guy with a nice dong who walked around naked all the time, except when he wanted to wear clothes, which just made him seem lazy.
Put some clothes on, dude. I'm sick of seeing your awesome dong.
I don't know what happened at the end, because I fell asleep and the RedBox people kept sending me notices about it being overdue.
All in all, I'd say this is a good date movie, or a good movie to teach kids about rape.
B-
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Emotions (feelings)

Emotions - A Poem Review

Affection-You could get laid.
Anger-Underrated.
Annoyance-Theatre.
Angst-What Germans feel.
Apathy-Wah, you're a fucking baby.
Anxiety-Shit, meet pants.
Awe-YEAH! RIGHT ABOUT NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE NEW STYLE!
Boredom-You'll feel this in a couple more lines.
Compassion-What Republicans feel.
Contempt-Don't do this to Judge Harry Stone.
Curiosity-It's what kills cats...and ringworm does too.
Depression-Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's GREAT!
Desire-Really good mid-period U2 song.
Despair-Next to Des Plaines.
Disappointment-What you are feeling right now.
Disgust-What I feel towards you.
Ecstasy-I've got it for 20 a tab.
Empathy-What Counselor Troi senses.
Envy-What I felt towards Drew Carey in the late 90s.
Embarrassment-What my parents remind me they feel.
Euphoria-BULLSHIT.
Fear-None of that...you're Genetically Different.
Frustration-People feel this when they are Michael Douglas in Falling Down.
Gratitude-Thanks, bitch!
Grief-Good. See Peanuts.
Guilt-Jews feel this.
Happiness-MORE BULLSHIT.
Hatred-Delicious in my mouth.
Hope-Obama made us all feel this for a few months.
Horror-THE BEST.
Hostility-This is all over the Middle East and the suburbs.
Hysteria-Wonderful Def Leppard.
Joy-A fine girls' name. Think about it if you have a few.
Jealousy- When I watch Price Is Right.
Loathing-Goes with fear and suicide.
Misery-Kathy Bates finest work.
Love-WHATEVS.
Pity-Fools.
Pride-In The Name Of Love.
Rage-The disease in 28 Days Later. FUCK THAT MOVIE.
Regret-Have you had a few?
Remorse-WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
Sadness-Enigma wrote this into a song so weird guys could get laid.
Shame-It's everywhere in my cells.
Suffering-Are you yet?
Surprise-BANG BANG NIGGA!
Wonder-Woman.
Worry-What, me?

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

Ethnic Foods (Food)

"In most dishes in Chinese cuisine, food is prepared in bite-sized pieces, ready for direct picking up and eating. In traditional Chinese cultures, chopsticks are used at the table." States an article about Chinese food.
Well, that's funny, because when I get Chinese food in the great state of Illinois, I can't pick anything up unless I want to burn myself. So what does this mean? It means that Chinese food in China is always cold.
EXCUSE US FOR MAKING YOUR FOOD BETTER, CHINA.
Now, this is a bad example, and let me try again.
When I think of ethnic food, I think of Mexican food with tacos, chili things and sauce packets with funny messages on it. But if I ONLY thought of those things, I wouldn't be truthful to you or me.
Listen, we all love things with rice, chorizo, General Tzo, or grape leaves, but when we think about those things, we are blocking ourselves from looking at the really, really nasty things there are to eat out there.
For example, did you know in Pakistan that a piece of garbage covered in a top hat is an officially sanctioned dish?
It's called English Pie.
There is no pie involved at all.
Speaking of England, what about Stargazy pie? That's gross, too.
In Egypt they eat their own hands, and in Kenya they like Dominoes Pizza.
So to simply review Ethnic Foods based on Maple Syrup, Mozzarella Sticks, and Fried Chicken would be irresponsible.
Do you know why poor people like cheeseburgers? It's because everybody likes cheeseburgers. THAT'S what America does. We make things that everyone on this planet likes, and if we didn't make it, we will take credit for it. Did you know that Freedom fries used to be called French fries?!
FRENCH FRIES!!?
YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!
My girlfriend told me that as a joke while she had our freedom tickler up my America hole.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, Ethiopia, I'll give you a call when I don't wanna eat for a month and then cover a goat in cinnamon.
But for now, I'll stick to this Angry Whopper and my Muscle Milk.
Ethnic Foods: C-
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Butterfly Wings Causing Hurricanes (chaos theory)

Sometimes, things just happen. Like today, I was on the train and I looked at an attractive lady. This caused the lady to put on sunglasses, which caused me to bump into the guy next to me. He then threatened to cut off my hand, which caused me to pee-pee. And so on, and so on, until a building collapsed in Kuala Lumpur at 9:38 this morning killing 673 people.

Scientists and stand-up comedians call this the Chaos Theory. This theory is weird, because there's almost no way to prove it really exists which I guess is why it's the Chaos THEORY and not the Chaos FUCKING A RIGHT. I don't understand all the numbers associated with this theory, I'll leave that to the Japanese. But understand this: I don't like this theory. Chaos is good in small doses, like keg parties or all night nurse orgies at St. Frances Hospital or sock drawers (I never know what I'm gonna find, am I right, ladies?). But a whole world filled with chaos? Must I really live here? It's like someone woke up (someone = God) one morning and said "Hey man...you know what would be great? If no one knew anything for sure about anything!" And then He just did that.

God is a motherfucking jerkass.
-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

The Magic Bullet System (amazing blender)

I've used so many blenders. So many. Big ones and silver ones and ones that were specifically for margaritas. I thought I was blended out. But then I saw this little buttplug of a blending SYSTEM and my life changed. Not much, but it did.

The Magic Bullet is a silver device that's no bigger than a coffee cup, but bigger is a relative term. Used for relativity. It's a blender, but it does so many things. I blended up a smoothie, an alfredo sauce, some paint, a t-bone steak, T-Bone Burnett's hair, jelly, a Blaupunkt car stereo, and deer eyes. Within 35 seconds, I had a full meal in my bell-bells and a workman's comp form filled out.

The Magic Bullet (named for what assassinated Kennedy...which is ballsy of Homeland Housewares, which is a division of Homeland Security...wait...what the hell do they have to do with this? Answer: MORE THAN YOU THINK.) comes with items that make your life easy. My favorite is the Shaker Top. You can grind up hard cheeses or salt cubes or something, and screw on the Shaker Top and shake it over your pasta or your eyes. This is a common feature.

All in all, this blender will replace everything in your kitchen and bathroom, and you'll be drinking healthy sauces for the rest of your life which is pretty short. Think about a blender.

It's imperative.
-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

10 cent wings Monday at the Wild Goose Bar (Chicken wings, Restaurant)

Now, I know I'm not the only guy, but I love chicken wings. They are so little and covered in meat, that I want to put all sorts of sauce on them. Specifically Chipotle Lime sauce. This is a sauce that deserves to be put on Angel's Wings. It is red, so it would look like blood on Angel's Wings, which would be better, so then we'd all know how that angel died. I mean, he probably didn't die from chicken wing sauce, as this would be more of a representation. Also, Angels are already dead, so this whole theory is BULLSHIT.
BULLSHIT.
Just like chicken wing night was last night at Wild Goose Bar.
"Oh, honey, I think there's a table opening up."
"Oh,I think you're right."
"Oh, no, wait, they aren't leaving, they are going to the jukebox together as a group to put on more Greenday songs."
"Oh, this place sucks now."
"Oh, it might not be the most best atmosphere, but at least they have Chipotle Lime Sauce. You know, you could put that sauce on Angel's Wings."
"Oh my God, stop saying that."
"Oh, I locked the keys in the car."
"Oh."

Then, we sat down, at a dirty table, that I think was used by wolves for sex and a bar fight before we got to use it, and just then, while I was TRYING to watch t.v., the crazy eyed waitress came over and explained very rationally to me that they were out of the Chipotle Lime Sauce and had been for weeks, and I should've remembered that from last Monday, or the Monday before.
Just then, I explained to her that she was on the verge of receiving a complimentary box-punch, and an elbow to the mouth.
We agreed to disagree, and she happily brought us the wings with other sauces that I wouldn't even dare ASK an Angel to put on it's wings. (BBQ, Mild, Hot).
Then, we paid our $2 tab and went back out into the world.
All in all, this place is pretty good.
B+
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Forrest Gump (movie) GUEST REVIEWER Quierkki Boerkenhagan

I like chocolate and I also like boxes so someone told me to watch this movie and I like it but I don’t get it. There is this boy and there is something wrong, like, retarded wrong with his legs and there is also something wrong with his head. Maybe he fell on it? Anyway, when he is growing up, his mom is Norma Rae. His first girlfriend is Jenny and she doesn’t mind that he is a retard, so they sit together on the bus. One day, he is going to get his ass kicked in, so Jenny yells at Forrest to run and he really likes to run so he runs and runs and runs until his leg thingies just fall right off! Then he is not retarded in the legs anymore but he still is in the head. He meets lots of famous people by accident. Then he meets this colored man, named Bubba who has a sexual shrimp fetish. They met in World War I. Also at the very bad war, they mee, Captain Dan, (who was also really a good actor in the Mice movie where the OTHER retarded guy in that movie kills the bunnies) and he gets shot and has to go into the wheelchair and they become BFF’s cause now they are both leg-tarded. Well, Forrest isn’t really anymore, but he remembers. So all this time, Forrest is looking for Jenny but he can’t find her because she is running around everywhere fucking hippies. But one day, Jenny feels bad for Forrest and then they have hot gnarled sex. WELL. She gets pregnant and then she dies and that is a really really bad part, but his son is just like Forrest but he is NOT damaged at all! They live happily ever after and hang out with people on benches. I thought the camera guy did a pretty good job most of the time and the clothes they wore were so funny. The end.

Sunday's Circulars (Newspaper Coupons) GUEST REVIEWER CORRI FEUERSTEIN

Sometimes this morning I read the paper. Not just any sheet of paper like the things what I write down Lotto numbers on. Envelopes, those are called. But I read the newspaper. Some folks think that the Newspapers of today won't be around tomorrow because you can read the News on your pinkberry. I think that's faux.
I read the paper to relax and to laugh. Because only the Newspaper News has the funnies. And For Better of For Worse is like they're seeing my life and making it hilarious! God Bless them.
But one of the things I really love about Newspapers are the circulars and coupons. I don't know why they call them circulars because I have to cut squares around the dotted lines for the coupons. They should call them squares! But they probably don't want to do that because then people will think that coupons aren't cool. Like saving $0.35 off my next purchase of Meow Mix in a 30 lb bag isn't cool. It IS cool! Cool as ICE! There aren't ever coupons for ice.
When my children want to cut the coupons, I give them safety scissors so they won't hurt themselves while cutting and staring at Dora the Explorer on tv. God Bless Dora and her Exploras.
As I relax with my cup of coffee, I think about the money I'm going to save going to the store with my coupons to the Jewelstore, the Kohls and suchlike. I wasn't going to go shopping because we don't need anything, but if I go with coupons I'll save more. And that's shopping smart. I love the circulars and the savings I get on diapers even though my kids are 5 and 7.
You should read them with coffee...and then take them to save money on coffee!

Wizard of Oz (Movie)

Boy oh boy do people like this movie. Here's the setup: A girl in Kansas falls asleep during a tornado and a tornado takes her to a suburb of the city she was in before. Now, this city is not like the suburbs we know, where there are WalMarts and Arby's. This is a suburb where there are yellow brick roads, flying monkeys, and burning crosses. It's a lot like Barrington.
On her way to nowhere, Dorothy, (the girl) runs into a witch that wants something for some reason, a group of smurfs, that all killed themselves during the making of this movie, and a robot. Also, there is a lion that sings songs and needs to learn how to act.
Anyway, kids and chicks like this movie because there is a moral. The moral is don't fall asleep during a tornado or wear shoes that aren't yours. This movie is ok.
B+
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Big Trouble In Little China (Movie)

Big Trouble/Little China is another in a long line of racist, hate-mongering films commissioned by the Reagan Administration as wartime propaganda. Luckily, no one Chinese ever saw this film, or we'd all be eating rice and wearing coolie hats right now. Kurt Russel stars as a white guy in over his head when he has to deliver a shipment of Coors directly into Chinatown. All the Chinese roles are played by the same person, Henry Winkler. I was never more offended by a film. There was a scene involving cats, a restaurant, and Geisha foot binding that was so over the line, it was like an Italian was directing. Too bad, as Kim Catrall was in this before she was old. I give this film a C...but if you are Chinese, a "Don't See This and then Kill Whitey."
-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

Back To the Future (Movie) GUEST REVIEWER MIKE BEYER

This review is for the original movie Back To The Future, as opposed to the entire Back To The Future trilogy. This was by far the biggest movie of 1985, and it gave us Michael J. Fox, Crispin Glover, and goddam Huey Lewis' The Power Of Love. Not to mention Marc Fucking McClure, fresh off his triumphant take as Jimmy Olsen in the Superman series, who tore it up onscreen as Marty's amiable older brother. That dude was in Eight Is Enough!

Robert Zemeckis has directed a lot of great movies (Forrest Gump, USED CARS, and Who Framed Roger Rabbit), but this may be his finest achievement. Many would argue that BTTF 2 and 3 are just as good, but they are wrong. This is a classic. I can still remember sitting in a packed Cleveland movie theater watching it, and seeing Marty McFly talking to his infant Uncle Joey in his playpen:
"So you're my Uncle Joey! Better get used to these bars, kid."

The crowd went crazy for that line.

Star Wars (Movie)

To truly understand the phenomenon that is Star Wars, you must first understand where it came from.
Dianetics, a book by L. Ron Hubbard, first came into knowledge in the mid-50's and talked about a hero that would save us all from a giant black man.
Thus, erego, Star Wars was born. The movie, based on Dianetics the book, follows a young man, Luke after his family has been run from their home on Desert Planet 7 and Luke discovers whom he is through various trips to different countries and saloons that all play the same song.
They also made toys of this thing that plays that song.
To win the battle he must team up with a big dog thing and a wookie named Leah.
I used to know a girl named Leah, but she didn't put out like this lady did.
I bet she had a big 70's pubic style.
Anyway, light savers, space boats, and laser things. All of these things apparently make for a cool movie but when I saw it, there were too many commercial breaks.
A-

Kiwanis of Cenral DuPage County Pancake Day (Pancake Day) GUEST REVIEWER TRISH HOOPER

Pancakes are delish, let's not kid ourselves.
Kiwanis does a LOT for sick kids or poor kids or something with old people too. So OF COURSE I was there when I heard about this pancake celebration!! LOL
To see old laborers with drills mixing up pancake batter in old paint cans made me proud to be in the middle of Central DuPage county. This is also where I go to nursing assistant school and where my bf Lee lives. He likes this area, and I like it too, but there are a lot of empty areas where I'm not sure I would feel safe if I was alone at night time on a blanket in the woods, or if my bf's car broke down and I had to walk to somewhere to get help from someone or something like that. But for $5, I love pancakes and don't care about danger. Can't wait for the fish fry!! ROFLMAO!!

Dead Wrong (Factory Theatre)

Dead Wrong is a play about murder, rape, cops, and shoes. There's plenty of people in it, but one of them is Josh Graves. It's an electrifying tale. A murder happens, and then cops try to solve it. These cops are terrible...well, one of them is. He keeps hanging out with psychos...notably a woman who we don't think is a psycho, but if you believe that (spoiler) you're dead wrong. You'd also be dead wrong if you think you can follow the story...but that's a blessing, because visually this show hearkens back to Picasso's Guernica and the work of Tom Hickey (he paints in his spare time). Go along for the ride, and don't eat the popcorn they give you, it was handled by a Mexican.
-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

True Blood (HBO Show)

Imagine that you work a diner in the south. Depressing?
Not if you are a vampire. Actually, it probably is still depressing, because working at a diner in Louisiana seems depressing no matter if you are a vampire or a werewolf or a mermaid.
That's the story behind HBO's hit new show, "True Blood".
Bill, the vampire is an insurance salesman who hangs out at a diner with Sookie the Vampire. Also, as in any diner, there is old drunk Marv the vampire at the end of the counter, cursing at scratch-off tickets and asking for a warm up of his blood coffee.
I really liked the opening credits, and the ending, because then I knew it was over. In the middle, my daughter had an accident and fell down the stairs, so I had to take her to the emergency room. While I was there, I was thinking of this show, and drank some blood that a guy had there. It was gross, so I know that I can never truly relate to these characters, Marv, and Bill, and Sookie. They seem nice enough, but if they live forever, this t.v. show will run out of story lines.
I guess you should watch this show.
B-
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Chicago Recycling Trucks (Trucks) GUEST REVIEWER ANITA DEELY

This morning, at an unexpected viewing of A Chicago Blue Recycling truck I mused the following: this truck delivers the expected which is timely retrieval of your coded plastics, glass, paper and aluminum for use in yet to be made products such as carpeting and Jay Leno’s comedy hour(zing!). But to view this vehicle as merely a truck is to miss the point. It is at once a receptacle for waste and THE MOST ANNOYING ALARM CLOCK ON THIS CONTINUALLY HEATING, SURELY DOOMED PLANET. I remember bluebags back in 90’s and early 00’s. Those didn’t wake you up. When I watched those, I felt good. As I put my various detergent bottles and empty yogurt containers in the bags I felt like the party was still going. Actually, I think “Keep Partying, America!” was the tagline for the project then.
But, this morning, as I swore a blue streak at the blue truck, I thought:” I wonder what happens to that trash”. And that line repeated in haunting refrain over in in my head as the A Chicago Blue Recycling truck pulled away. Till next time, my worthy foe. Till next time.

Nosferatu: A Symphony of Horror (Ancient Film)

Nosferatu is this crap black and white movie from the time when they used rocks and sticks as cameras. Nobody talks and all the speaking you have to read. This hurt my eyes bad. The whole movie is a rip off of Coppola's Bram Stoker's Draculas, which is amazing because time travel was only just invented by the Chinese. I'm more interested in time travel than this movie, so what do you expect? Max Schreck is really ugly as Count "Orlok" (whatevs). So, this movie makes you want to watch a better movie. I give it a B-.
-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

Point Break (Movie)

To really understand a bank robber, you have to live like one. Which means playing football and driving jeeps into hot chicks, sleeping on the beach, and eating food at places that serve coffee, where you know everybody, but no one knows that you are a bank robber with all of your friends who consequently, don't have any lines in your movie except for Flea who doesn't play bass even once in this whole Goddammed movie.
That is the premise for the surprisingly old movie, Point Break, starring Dirty Dancing and Ted Theodore Logan. They also wear masks of old people whom I think are presidents, but might be Ed Sullivan or George Washington Carver.
Anyway, they all die at the end, I bet.
It's a real think piece.
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

The Prisoner (TV Show)

The Prisoner is a British TV show that ran in the late 60s. The 1960s. The show was made by the BBC, so you know the production values are first rate, old chum. Patrick McGoohands stars as the titular prisoner, and he's so old school Brit that he bleeds heavy cream and scones and punk rock. He finds himself in a prison where "not all is as it seems" and "people dress weird" and "you know." It's filled with mystery and wonder and some strange happenings. It's like science fiction, but there's no lasers which really pisses me off. Science fiction needs lasers, robots, and monsters...not a bunch of talking. This brings the entire show down a letter grade, which is too bad cuz they had an A. So now, Prisoner, you get a B. Try and escape that and my giant white balls will capture you!
-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

Cricket (Sport)

Cricket is a sport first discovered in the 16th century by the round eyes when they went to take England from the colored folks.
It is played with a bat and a ball on a pitch, that has been "mowed".
There is a large group of people who like this game, although I'm not really sure what is happening, but I think they all want to spank eachother. I hope they want to spank eachother...
The best player in this game is from Pakistan, another made up country.
All in all, I say cricket is a fun game if you are old or stupid. Don't you dare ever play this sport.
I give this sport a C-.
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Put My Finger In Your Mouth (The Right Brain Project)

Put My Finger In Your Mouth (here on known as NKOTB) is a freakish tale of enlightenment, history, suffocation, medical bills, and girls named Mouth. NKOTB is being produced by the Right Brain Project, who's strange takes on the human condition really enthrall critics, but keeps the public away in droves. Well, 5th time might be the charm for the RBP!
Written by Bob Fisher, who's control of language is as legendary as his taste in pants, this is the story of two amazing sisters and the body parts they share. They aren't Siamese twins though, but I won't tell you what they are because of the big twist! They are organ farmers!
Erin Orr shines in a non-nude role this time, showing off her dramatic chops in a 16 page monologue about butter, and Herb Workman plays the simple role of Phil the Cop expertly. He's a real cop, as far as I'm concerned, and I am concerned. For pete's sake, see it now!
-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

Tupperware (The New Colony Theatre)

Tupperware was written by two people, but you'd think they shared the same brain...a brain filled with talent. Produced by The New Colony, who stole Chicago's hearts with their production of "Cheech & Chong's Nice Dreams: The Musical," and they prove they are no one trick ponies.

Tupperware is a musical about life, love, and the mysterious disappearance of a piece of tupperware that contains a soul. One of the actors in the show is named Bill Thompson.

Also, Nikki Klix shines as the ethereal Plastic Witch, and her song "God Is In The Details" had the audience on its feet.

All in all, this is an uplifting and moving piece, that may leave you in a fantastic mood. Go see it. Oh, but be warned, there are chair buzzers.

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

Up "Steppenwolf Theater)

Up, a new play by Briget Carpenter has all the making of a political thriller, in a balloon chair.
It explores the societal aspects of leaving society and the human condition, if the world was filled with air.

A fairly new and rising theater company, Steppenwolf, tackles this material with vigor, if not all the understanding needed to understand this masterpiece of theaterism.

This play focuses on Ian Barford, who plays the title character, Up, as he tries to relive his glory days as a professional diver on his way to the olympic games.

Barford tackles this role with heart and style and energy and delight.

But the real hero of this production is Jake Cohen, for his turn as a widow of a lost professional baseball player.

All in all, I say go see this play, as it will have you laughing, and then quiet, and then laughing again.

On a side note, please unwrap all candy before you enter the theater.

El Grito del Bronx (Goodman Theatre)

El Grito Del Bronx Goodman Theater

This new play, El Grito whatever, is a fun take on domestic violence, told through the eyes of a hallucenogenic memoryscape.

I didn't understand the language, as I am not bilingual, but I know that the character "Papo" was mean, and sometimes nice.

The Goodman theater has become known for doing new, risky, exciting work in the Chicago theatre scene.

Anthony Mosely, a hero in the non-equity world for his other directing times, really acts like he is tickled pink for a chance to work with such great Mexican actors.

This play was an amazing night of experiences, and I am grateful to God that I could see it.
Run, don't walk to see El Grit de la cha whatever it is.
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Heatherland (Heather Moran Album)

Heatherland - Heather Moran

Heather Moran is a singer of jazz, and she can't stop the music! Her album, Heatherland, is an exploration of the nuances of music from the time before television or black people. Heather is obviously talented...make no mistake, her rendition of "Brother, Can You Spare a Dime" will make your belly feel like your genitals got smacked with a wet dishrag. The best parts of Heatherland are exciting and invigorating, and the worst parts just aren't there at all. Makes you wonder if this woman could ever suck. My opinion: she won't. This is a torch singer with the pipes of Clooney, the attitude of Rowdy Roddy Piper, and the tits of a Gina Lollabrigida. Download it illegally now!
-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

Sticky Fingers (Rolling Stones Album)

Anderson Lawfer
Sticky Fingers- The Rolling Stones

This is a record by the world famous, I guess, band The Rolling Stones. Eric hadn't ever heard of this group, or their rock music, so I thought I'd take a stab at it.

The Rolling Stones, apparently, have many songs, and some of them are a part of this record, Sticky Fingers. While I am not crazy about the cover of the album, or some of the language, I did love the marching band classic, Bitch. This song filled me with memories of the big Friday night games when me and the gang would suit up and run onto the field, only to be removed by the gym teachers, because we didn't have any business being on a football field. Boy, was that a Bitch. My next favorite tract was "Can't You Hear Me Knocking" (7:15). Now, I liked this song and liked the way it made my hips move and penis feel, but I have to say I didn't quite understand what he was saying. It sounded like he was saying, "help my baby, she is in danger, can i pet a doggie". So, that made me pretty worried about the singers mental stability.
All in all, I was pleased as punch to review "Sticky Fingers" and hope this helps the "Rolling Stones" find success in America.

-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Welcome!

Hello Internet Neighbors! Eric & Andy here with our latest venture...Reviews You Can Iews! You might have seen our fantastic reviews on Facebook, which will be reprinted here tomorrow, if we have the time and care about it. We'll be reviewing everything...from theatrical productions to record albums to appliances to sports to Hey Jude being sung by 3rd Graders in New York to television shows to whatever stop asking me!!!

But, please make this your one stop plop for all the reviews...that you...can IEWS!

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer