Forrest Gump (movie) GUEST REVIEWER Quierkki Boerkenhagan

I like chocolate and I also like boxes so someone told me to watch this movie and I like it but I don’t get it. There is this boy and there is something wrong, like, retarded wrong with his legs and there is also something wrong with his head. Maybe he fell on it? Anyway, when he is growing up, his mom is Norma Rae. His first girlfriend is Jenny and she doesn’t mind that he is a retard, so they sit together on the bus. One day, he is going to get his ass kicked in, so Jenny yells at Forrest to run and he really likes to run so he runs and runs and runs until his leg thingies just fall right off! Then he is not retarded in the legs anymore but he still is in the head. He meets lots of famous people by accident. Then he meets this colored man, named Bubba who has a sexual shrimp fetish. They met in World War I. Also at the very bad war, they mee, Captain Dan, (who was also really a good actor in the Mice movie where the OTHER retarded guy in that movie kills the bunnies) and he gets shot and has to go into the wheelchair and they become BFF’s cause now they are both leg-tarded. Well, Forrest isn’t really anymore, but he remembers. So all this time, Forrest is looking for Jenny but he can’t find her because she is running around everywhere fucking hippies. But one day, Jenny feels bad for Forrest and then they have hot gnarled sex. WELL. She gets pregnant and then she dies and that is a really really bad part, but his son is just like Forrest but he is NOT damaged at all! They live happily ever after and hang out with people on benches. I thought the camera guy did a pretty good job most of the time and the clothes they wore were so funny. The end.

Wizard of Oz (Movie)

Boy oh boy do people like this movie. Here's the setup: A girl in Kansas falls asleep during a tornado and a tornado takes her to a suburb of the city she was in before. Now, this city is not like the suburbs we know, where there are WalMarts and Arby's. This is a suburb where there are yellow brick roads, flying monkeys, and burning crosses. It's a lot like Barrington.
On her way to nowhere, Dorothy, (the girl) runs into a witch that wants something for some reason, a group of smurfs, that all killed themselves during the making of this movie, and a robot. Also, there is a lion that sings songs and needs to learn how to act.
Anyway, kids and chicks like this movie because there is a moral. The moral is don't fall asleep during a tornado or wear shoes that aren't yours. This movie is ok.
B+
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Big Trouble In Little China (Movie)

Big Trouble/Little China is another in a long line of racist, hate-mongering films commissioned by the Reagan Administration as wartime propaganda. Luckily, no one Chinese ever saw this film, or we'd all be eating rice and wearing coolie hats right now. Kurt Russel stars as a white guy in over his head when he has to deliver a shipment of Coors directly into Chinatown. All the Chinese roles are played by the same person, Henry Winkler. I was never more offended by a film. There was a scene involving cats, a restaurant, and Geisha foot binding that was so over the line, it was like an Italian was directing. Too bad, as Kim Catrall was in this before she was old. I give this film a C...but if you are Chinese, a "Don't See This and then Kill Whitey."
-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

Back To the Future (Movie) GUEST REVIEWER MIKE BEYER

This review is for the original movie Back To The Future, as opposed to the entire Back To The Future trilogy. This was by far the biggest movie of 1985, and it gave us Michael J. Fox, Crispin Glover, and goddam Huey Lewis' The Power Of Love. Not to mention Marc Fucking McClure, fresh off his triumphant take as Jimmy Olsen in the Superman series, who tore it up onscreen as Marty's amiable older brother. That dude was in Eight Is Enough!

Robert Zemeckis has directed a lot of great movies (Forrest Gump, USED CARS, and Who Framed Roger Rabbit), but this may be his finest achievement. Many would argue that BTTF 2 and 3 are just as good, but they are wrong. This is a classic. I can still remember sitting in a packed Cleveland movie theater watching it, and seeing Marty McFly talking to his infant Uncle Joey in his playpen:
"So you're my Uncle Joey! Better get used to these bars, kid."

The crowd went crazy for that line.

Star Wars (Movie)

To truly understand the phenomenon that is Star Wars, you must first understand where it came from.
Dianetics, a book by L. Ron Hubbard, first came into knowledge in the mid-50's and talked about a hero that would save us all from a giant black man.
Thus, erego, Star Wars was born. The movie, based on Dianetics the book, follows a young man, Luke after his family has been run from their home on Desert Planet 7 and Luke discovers whom he is through various trips to different countries and saloons that all play the same song.
They also made toys of this thing that plays that song.
To win the battle he must team up with a big dog thing and a wookie named Leah.
I used to know a girl named Leah, but she didn't put out like this lady did.
I bet she had a big 70's pubic style.
Anyway, light savers, space boats, and laser things. All of these things apparently make for a cool movie but when I saw it, there were too many commercial breaks.
A-

Nosferatu: A Symphony of Horror (Ancient Film)

Nosferatu is this crap black and white movie from the time when they used rocks and sticks as cameras. Nobody talks and all the speaking you have to read. This hurt my eyes bad. The whole movie is a rip off of Coppola's Bram Stoker's Draculas, which is amazing because time travel was only just invented by the Chinese. I'm more interested in time travel than this movie, so what do you expect? Max Schreck is really ugly as Count "Orlok" (whatevs). So, this movie makes you want to watch a better movie. I give it a B-.
-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

Point Break (Movie)

To really understand a bank robber, you have to live like one. Which means playing football and driving jeeps into hot chicks, sleeping on the beach, and eating food at places that serve coffee, where you know everybody, but no one knows that you are a bank robber with all of your friends who consequently, don't have any lines in your movie except for Flea who doesn't play bass even once in this whole Goddammed movie.
That is the premise for the surprisingly old movie, Point Break, starring Dirty Dancing and Ted Theodore Logan. They also wear masks of old people whom I think are presidents, but might be Ed Sullivan or George Washington Carver.
Anyway, they all die at the end, I bet.
It's a real think piece.
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach