Dream Date WINNERS!! (Winning Essays from Erin Barlow and Heath Hayes)

We gave America 5 hours to come up with essays. The winning essay writers would accompany us and our loyal and great friends and fans to Eric and Andy's Night at the Theater tomorrow night at Chicago Shakespeare Theater on Navy Pier. There will be drinks and food and theatre and conversation with the actors.

Well, unfortunately, America has let us down again. Just like during the Olympics.

We only received 5 entries, 3 of which were absolutely terrible and did not plead their case at all. The other two were also pretty bad, but at least showed some sort of basic use of the English language and were not belligerent or hate-filled.

Your winning two essayists are

Heath Hayes with :

But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and Eric and Andy are the sun.

Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,

Who is already sick and pale with grief,

That thou her maid art far more fair than she:

Be not her maid, since she is envious;

Her vestal livery is but sick and green

And none but fools do wear it; cast it off.

They are my ladies, O, they are my loves!

O, that they knew they were!

They speak yet they say nothing: what of that?

Eric and Andy's eyes discourse; I will answer it.

I am too bold, 'tis not to me they speak:

Four of the fairest stars in all the heaven,

Having some business, do entreat Eric and Andy's eyes

To twinkle in their spheres till they return.

What if their eyes were there, they in their heads?

The brightness of their cheeks would shame those stars,

As daylight doth a lamp; Eric and Andy's eyes in heaven

Would through the airy region stream so bright

That birds would sing and think it were not night.

See, how Eric and Andy lean Eric and Andy's cheeks upon Eric and Andy's hands!

O, that I were a gloves upon Eric and Andy's hands,

That I might touch Eric and Andy's cheeks!

Not bad Heath! See you at the Pier at 5:30 for drinks and dancing!

Next winner was Erin Barlow with a strange sort of plea:

I want to win.

You guys are funny. You're also really, really attractive.

I want to win.

You're both, also, like, blessed with seductive eyes.

I want to win, and I'm at work, and I don't have much time to be clever.

But you're both my heroes. Really.

I'd like to win. I make great company. And you guys make great arm candy.

What a great pair to take with us!

See you all tomorrow night!!

A+

-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

No Exit- The Hypocrites (Theater Review)

No Exit is a famous college play from the 40's about three people who are stuck in a little room where they have to sit next to each other.

One guy is a German Nazi who escaped the war and went to Brazil.
One lady is a Mexican postal worker that looks like Sherlock Holmes.
One lady is a whore.

In the play No Exit, these characters are forced to deal with the weirdo lesbian postal worker as she gropes at the whore and uses all the toothpaste. Then at the end, they realize that hell is actually just being around other people in a little room.

If this play was written nowadays, this would be happening on the #36 Broadway bus, right here in Chicago. Man, one time I was on that bus, and this guy was throwing up in the back and this old lady was complaining about it next to me, and then we got stuck in the Gay Pride Parade. So I know what they are going through.

Sean Graney has turned this once innocent and revealing sketch of human thoughts into another tour-de-vagina for the Hypocrites at the Athaneum Theatre. Jesus, Lord above, I have never been inside a worse theater in my life. Not only are the seats uncomfortable, but the clientele... yuck.

When the curtains opened, when I thought I couldn't take anymore of these grease balls kicking the back of my chair, I saw before me the most exhillarating set I've ever seen.

Now I know you all will think I am joking, but in all seriousness; the set is the inside of a vagina. I'm not joking. It is a cavernous pink waiting room with a sideways door (vagina opening) in the back, two globes (ovaries) downstage, and a giant clitoris statue in the middle of the room that they all rub through the show.

I'm serious.

Graney has really outdone himself this time. I had thought I had seen everything.

Now, in addition to the set, it wouldn't be a Graney play unless everyone talked at the same time with music playing too, and he would not disappoint. This play had everything.

And readers, I know you know what a huge fan I am of Rob McLean, and I was so lucky to see him in this play as Gomez or some other name that he made up when he fled the Allies in Europe. God, is he incredible. This Rob McLean has really grown as an actor in the last few years, I mean really grown into himself. Now is that because he has been gray since he was 17? I'm not here to judge him, for he is glorious.

Also in the play was Samantha Gleisten which I'm not entirely sure isn't Kevin O'Donnell with a wig on, but either way, really nice specific choices, Kev.

Erin Barlow gives the finest performance of her nubile 21 year life as a blonde girl who thinks she is better than me. And whom could forget the amazing and adaptive John Taflan as the Duke of Cercey or something, because he is dressed like an old fashioned British fellow and nobody else dressed like that, but maybe that's HIS Hell, because he just wanted to fit in, but somebody told him it was a costume party and now he's gonna go cry like a fat girl in the bathroom for an hour.

All in all, people talk a lot in Hell, about shit that doesn't always necessarily make so much sense. But you can always look into an ovary and see your family that you left behind.

No Exit

B

-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach