Open Letter to Chicago Muse

Dear Dead Chicago Muse Theatre,

Let us be the first to say that we had never heard of you. So your untimely death meant absolutely nothing.

We’re pretty sure you were at the Theater Building, serving overpriced Miller Lites to people who thought they were seeing good shows.

Now, from what we understand, you had half a million dollars left in assets that you, in turn, gave to the RICHEST THEATER IN CHICAGO, upon your dissolution.

You gave 500k to Chicago Shakespeare Theatre. To do musicals. Original musicals. Do you know what that means? You paid Barbara Gaines salary for 2 years.

Now, please don’t get us wrong. We love Chicago Shakes. They pay actors better than anywhere else, and they employ more actors than anywhere else. That is a community based company that we can all be proud of, regardless what we think of the work.

HOWEVER...there are numerous small theater organizations in Chicago that are living month-to-month, unsure of their future, who do specialize in original musicals. Do you know that you could have given 50 grand to 10 of them? Do you even realize what that kind of donation would have done for the storefront community?

Think of it this way: You have a few buddies in town that have a great idea for a food truck business in Chicago. They have a great business plan. They make delicious tacos and cupcakes and kebabs and ribs tips. But instead of taking your $500,000 to help them get started, you give it all to Guy Fieri to make more butter flavored salsa for TGI Fridays.

And then you get out of the food business altogether and start working at Pfizer and unfriend your food truck pals on Facebook. And they have to go back to their jobs at Guy Fieri’s new chain “ED HARDY SHIRTS AND BURGERS.”

And if that is not enough. If that isn’t enough of an insult to everyone. If the whole city isn’t furiously angry at you yet. You decide to send out a press release to everyone saying what a “great thing” you just did for everyone. Now, we aren’t ones to overstep our boundaries or name call people who are just trying to do a great thing, but you guys... You guys are a bunch of fuckheads. Just like Guy Fieri.

So, while everyone is celebrating a 5-4 SCOTUS victory today by making sweet new Obama memes and fighting with their Republican fathers about what this means for America, let’s be sure to remember what giant assholes you guys were in your demise. Thanks for nothing.

So what can WE do? Well, here is our plan. As a community, we are going to write the most insane original musical that has ever been written. It will be awful and offensive and probably racist. And we are going to pool our money together and rent out Chicago Shakespeare Theater for one night and then we are going to perform it. And at the end, when Mitt Romney kills all the blacks and gays in a celebration of Lucifer himself, we will all look at the audience and say “Thank you for making this possible, Chicago Muse Theatre!” and then we will call each of you out by name and put your headshots that have had the mouths cut out around our dicks or vaginas and pretend that we are making sweet mouth love to your black and white heads.

And finally, we will have proven that we are the clear victors in this fight. Because nothing says victory more than blasting love juice all over someone’s graven image. Just ask Jehovah!

There is nothing else to say, except I hope whatever stupid original musical you are planning on taking to New York, where “important theatre” happens dies the death of that Paul Simon Caveman thing, and that you are stabbed outside the HotTix booth.

Love and rockets,

Eric Roach and Anderson Lawfer

Follies (theatre review)

Now when you think Chicago Shakespeare, what comes to mind? Is it aging vaudevilians getting sauced in a broken down theater, cheating on their wives and husbands, and breaking into song? Well, if that wasn’t your thought, perhaps there is something wrong with you.


The regional Tony award-winning theater known for its updating of the Bard’s work, as well as bringing international companies to Chicago to perform, has started off its season with the Stephen Sondheim musical, “Follies.” This is the tale of the cast of the Weismann Follies, who, in 1971, have returned to the theater in New York where they sang, danced, performed slapstick, and couldn’t keep their hands off each other. 30 years after the Follies closed, the theater itself is set to be demolished, and the the performers are having one last get together to relive the memories, drink a lot of booze, get felt up by butlers and cabaret boys, and perform their big numbers.

The story revolves the 4 friends Sally and Buddy, Ben and Phyllis, who met here, fell in love, got married, and have returned with their marriages on the rocks. Throught the night, they reveal their true feelings, and decide whom they will be going home with on this night.

The production was astonishing. Director Gary Griffin has made a play that happens to have music. The acting is so strong across the board, but Caroline O’Connor as Phyllis is a force. She belts her song “Could I leave You” with such feelling that it is both funny and intimidating. She burns up the floor in the second act, showing the skills that have made her a Broadway star for years.

Griffin has taken the stage and created a world both reality and fantasy. The play begins with an angelic lead flapper, who enters the space, and effectively allows the world of the Follies to enter. The stage is a busted down theater that once captured the imagination, but has fallen on hard times. The entertainment of the Follies act as a vehicle for the characters to express their deepest regrets. Susan Moniz as Sally goes from a bubbly ingenue still holding onto hope for a lost love, to a scorned songstress in her version of “Losing My Mind.”

Robert Petkoff as Buddy, the good guy trying to do the right thing, only to realize he has a one sided marriage, brings the tragedy in “The Right Girl,” and the comedy in “Buddy’s Blues.” Brent Barret, the performer turned politician, who is mired in a loveless marriage, is able to seduce Sally once more with “Too Many Mornings,” and emaotionally fall to pieces in “Live, Laugh, Love.” These characters are confronted with memory, but, as the play seems to say, memory is often how one chooses to remember it.

The show also plays with time, as th younger versions of the four lovers, flow in and out of the party, showing the truth of where these four went wrong. Adrian Aguilar as Young Ben, Andrew Keltz as young Buddy, Rachel Cantor as Phyllis and L. R. Davidson as Sally are wonderful, showing the foursome while they still had their lives ahead of them.

I felt as if I was in New York watching a Broadway show. If you want the next best thing (without Broadway prices), go see this show.

-John Moran

Murder for 2- A Killer Musical (Chicago Shakespeare Theatre)

You ever heard of this fella, Alan Schmuckler? Apparently he is the hottest shit in town. Everybody talks about him like he is the musical theatre equivalent to say... Joe Dempsey or sweet Jon Steinhagen.

In fact, they put on the press release something to the effect of, "Alan Schmuckler, creator of Musical Theatre"...

Anyway, this Alan Schmuckler character is the real deal. You can tell because he can play piano and sing at the same time. He can play piano, sing AND stay in character the whole time!

Did you ever hear of "Ten Little Indians"? It's sort of this high brow Agatha Christie style murder mystery where there has been a murder at a house and a detective comes over and has to figure out who the killer is. The suspects are usually people who were close to the victim but didn't like him (it's always a him).

I will give you an example.

Pembroke Jameson is a wealthy nightclub owner and mystery novelist who happens to be writing his final opus about a wealthy nightclub owner and novelist who is murdered by someone he is close to at his home at his surprise birthday party. When the detective arrives, his closest friends stand in complete disinterest at his filthy bullet ridden body on the floor before them.

There is the maid, a tramp named Tina who once dated Jameson's old high school teacher, but broke it off when Jameson took everything in a bank foreclosure. The wife, an aging starlet known around Hollywood for her engaging and elegant blowjob style. The nephew, next in line for the family business. A dirty hobo wanderer that happens to be staying with the family performing menial tasks like cleaning the weapon collection. A visiting baseball player/state senator that was holding an important secret about something. And a trained killer that is well known around the world for murdering important business men.

Which of these people is holding the secret to this unspeakable crime!?

So this is the sort of plot line that you find with these sorts of things. Let me tell you what makes this piece different.

There are only 2 actors, and it is a musical.

This dude Alan Schmuckler plays the detective through the whole thing, so... that's not super interesting, but he is really really really good at it. He wears this jacket and has this songbird voice and this sweet curly hair and he is just...oh man, I am shivering right now just thinking about him.

All the other characters are played by this bro from New York called Joe Kinosian. From what I can tell, Kinosian is about 7 feet tall and about 85 pounds. He looks sort of like the REALLY gay guy from "Will and Grace", Not the sort of gay guy, or the lady.
He sort of sounds like him too. Come to think of it, IS he the really gay guy from "Will and Grace"?
Whatever, no use worrying about it now.

Anyway, this man Kinosian plays all these characters and plays piano and has a good singing voice, but what makes him so special, is that he also wrote the music for the show. There's something about talent like that that you can not describe. Watching this dude run around and do these voices and sing and dance and have just fucking perfect comic timing, there's just no way to say what it is. Let's make up a word with Latin roots. Beneanthrodominator. That means the best master man.

Sure, the show is maybe 10 minutes too long. Sure, there isn't any real message. It's at Navy Pier, so nobody there really cares, they just want a few laughs and a few pretty songs and a dark theater to maybe get a nap in after a long day in the 3D maze or the dinner cruise on the Majestic.

I wish there was a way to get more actors to go out to Chicago Shakes because it is so fucking nice. It is big and clean and fancy and most of us feel totally out of place the minute you walk to the ticket window because there are all these old ladies in slacks, but if you think about it, we are all pretty uncomfortable in every aspect of our lives, so take a chance.

Go and see this play. You will have a fun time and maybe pick up a few pointers about how to be more likable!!


A+

-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

The Cripple of Inishmaan (Chicago Shakespeare/Druid)

About five or six years ago I was on the phone with my Uncle Patrick who had then just moved back to Ireland for good. It must have been Christmas or some such day. “How is Ireland” I asked. And he responded, “It’s the 51^st state in the Union.” And I knew what he meant. The Irish had become more like Americans because of the Celtic Tiger which is to say disgusting fatties who live beyond their means. That is not exactly true, mostly because we are super fat here, but you get my drift. The Irish were paying outrageous sums for property and were so entrenched in a bubble it didn’t seem like a bubble to them at all. USA! USA! USA!

And overspending isn’t the only thing that was lapped up like so many foamy heads off a pint of Guinness. The Irish were also ingesting our culture, for like the last 20 years or so. I will only mention programs and films (pronounced fill-im, with two syllables) Irish people have mentioned to me, so below is not a scientific list.

The Simpsons

Good Fellas and Martin Scorsese

Reservoir Dogs and Quentin Tarantino

Desperate Housewives- Yeah. Desperate Housewives. I know it looks like it doesn’t belong but it is a huge money maker. I wish it was The Wire.

I think the first three on the list were big deal things over here, too. Good Fellas is a big one for anyone and I know plenty of people who still talk about and quote that movie. Same for the Simpsons. And Reservoir Dogs. Way cooler than quoting plays. Cool as Pinter and Shakespeare are, you don’t pull out of their zingers at a bar. And if you do, you deserve a wedgie the size of the mighty state of California, I tells ya’.

You know who else is fun to quote? Your own family, if your family is colorful. And playwright Martin McDonagh must have come from a colorful family. Everyone knows his tale by now and if you don’t then you can look up the details online but basically he had Irish parents who moved him and his brother to England so they could find work (so Irish!). Then, when he was 16 or so, his parents moved back to Galway, the best county in all of Ireland, and left his brother and Martin in England. Long story short, at a very young age, Martin McDonagh became one of the most famous and produced playwrights of the our time by writing a series of plays about rural Ireland, most set in the West, in Galway, if I’m not mistaken. Until Tuesday, I had only been to see THE PILLOWMAN, at Steppenwolf and then again at Red Twist. So, I was keen to see THE CRIPPLE OF INISHMAAN performed by the (I heart) Galway’s Druid Theatre Company for dirt cheap. Both the influence of Scorsese and Tarantino can be seen in the piece and that is news to no one. Everyone knows this cat is totally influenced by those cats, and if you don’t you haven’t read a thing about theatre in the last 10 years.

The cripple’s name is Billy who lives with his two spinster Aunites, who own a shop. He hears of a film being produced on the Aran Islands and hustles a lift from BabbyBobby Bennett in an effort to break into show business. And he ends up going to America, leaving his Aunties and the towns folk behind. Do you really not know the story here? I knew the story and I really have no idea how; must be from several reviews, read throughout the years. More than anything, this is a play about small town life with your neighbors and gossip serving as the only form of connection or entertainment. It’s about the oppression of your ability to change because of your community and the comfort the routine that community can offer.

I had always heard that McDonagh plays made fun of or showed disdain for Irish people. And, I didn’t find that to be true. The characters and situations are crafted with care and the language is super fun. And to me, as an Irish American, with only one Aunite and one Uncle not born and breed in Ireland, totally familiar. There is a celebration of language and rhetoric going on in this play. And the timing in the lines and set ups is really rock solid. This is the work of an insider.

What surprised me the most? Is what a well-made play it is. This is what the new, hot, British bad boy has to offer the canon of plays about Ireland? This completely playing within the rules effort? I expected, from what I have read about him, more cinematic element because of what he said about his own plays being cinematic but no. There are long scenes with plenty of repetition and solidly placed exposition with a few highly organized twists so the audience doesn’t get lulled into the complacency felt during most ‘play plays’. There’s nothing truly absurd. I mean, there is a flavor of it with some Beckett-ey stuff with the Aunites, but when you compare it to actual Beckett it still seems like realism. There is no magic realism or jumping between scenes and conversations. It’s almost old school.

And so is the staging. This is a ‘lights up lights down’ thing with blackouts. When was the last time you saw an honest to god blackout, Chicago. I know. We don’t do them anymore. They're out of fashion and most of the theaters we go to or produce at need the actors to move the scenery so everyone figured might as well make it part of the thing. Put an old song in there or have the scene change while the next scene is happening. I really liked the play and the production. I was always totally engaged and with the play.

The acting was superb. Take that with a grain of salt. I mean, I do think the acting was incredible but part of that was the authenticity of the performances. I’ve seen some Irish plays around town and heard some Irish accents and, well, accents are hard. They seemed to be using their own accents, too. I mean, they didn’t put on any old school accent. The play is set in 1930’s Ireland, before outside influences really had a chance to affect the way the accent worked. Are you still awake after that boring bit about the accents? I hope so because one of the actors was in RETURN OF THE JEDI. Heard of it much? His name is Dermot Crowley and he played JohnnyPateenMike which is sort of like a Tyler Perry House of Payne version of the town gossip Irish bachelor who lives with his mammy but he is also a HILARIOUS creation and he was played HILARIOUSLY by this Dermot Crowley, who, by the way, was also in OCTOPUSSY. The Aunties were played by Ingrid Craigie and Dearbhla ‘fancy pants Grammy nominee’ Molloy and they were hilarious, too. Tadhg Murphy played the cripple fella and holy cow I may have seen him in the Abbey’s production of THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST a few years ago in Ireland. Or did I see that at the Gate? Anyway, he was adorable and charming and had a sweet voice and an unrelenting limp. If you can, get tickets to this. You get a free ticket to BLACKWATCH, performed by the National Theatre of Scotland. Boy oh boy, that play looks good.

A-

-Anita Deely

Eric and Andy's Night at the Theater!

A lot of people have been asking us how the "Eric and Andy's Night at the Theater" event went. So we decided to tell everyone exactly what happened in the exact time that it happened. Now get off our backs and live vicariously through us!!

And if you were there, relive all these classic Eric & Andy moments that you just can't find anywhere but right here at Eric & Andy's Reviews You Can Iews!

5:07pm

We arrived to the theater in a timely fashion and were greeted by our Chicago Shakespeare contacts, Greta Honold and Carly Magill.

5:08pm

Greta and Carly are already sick of being hit on by us, so we tone it down.

5:09pm

I start getting pretty nervous that no one is going to show up and we will have to figure out how to cover 70 seats with our coats. Eric calms me down and tells me to have a piece of cheese. I do this.

5:15pm
Eric has his 3rd Newcastle

5:30pm

Our first guests arrive in the party room. They immediately start drinking and talking about theatre.

5:34pm

Jennifer Santanello arrives. Eric points her to the free wine. Jenn is happier than ever before.

5:40pm

I am so sick of hearing about theatre, I ask Eric if he wants to run out with me down to the "optical illusion maze" and he says he does, so we get the hell out of there.

5:51pm

Eric gets lost in maze.

5:53pm

The maze asks Eric about what play he is working on now.

6:00pm

Eric and Andy end up somewhere in the parking garage.

6:15pm

We realize we left our speeches inside our suit jackets that we used for bandages in the maze, so we have to buy tickets to go back inside and get them. We run really quickly so we don't get stuck in any conversation again about where the Prop Theater is.

6:20pm

We make it back up to the party and so many people have showed up to drink and talk about theatre! There's Noah Simon, Michaela Petro, Maggie Graham, Danielle O'Farrell, that one guy from Cherrywood, the bartender who is giving me my 6th Newcastle! What a party!

6:20pm

That bartender's name is Alberto Mendoza and he has a theatre company too! Everyone looks so great and ready for action!

(Not action like, watching a play, but action like, more drinking)

6:32pm

Every woman at the party has been hit on at least once by Eric & Andy.

6:32pm

Most of the dudes, too.

6:33pm

Yep...all the dudes.

6:45pm

The party is continuing without a hitch! Even Kerry Reid is having fun! The DePaul M.F.A. program students are about to start a fight against the front of house staff, because they are telling them how to use topography in their job better.

7:01pm

Kasia Januszewski is, and I quote, "so happy to be here!" In celebration, a 10th Newcastle.

7:08pm

Almost time for our big toast! They bring us microphones and tell us that they "are hot".

7:09pm

This is a technical term, and Eric is told that he doesn't need gloves. Eric shouts, "Well, I have them, I'll wear them...you think you're better than me?"

7:09pm

Eric puts on his gloves.

7:15pm
Eric and Andy give the greatest toast in the history of toast.

7:25pm

Everyone heads down to their seats to wait in eager anticipation of the Bard's most well known work "For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf."

7:25pm

That's what we were told we would be seeing. Instead they showed us "Romeo and Juliet" which has almost nothing to do with suicide.

7:29pm

Eric and Andy both marvel at the beautiful theatrical space! It's a three-quarter thrust stage, just like the Old Globe in London, England!

7:30pm

"Romeo and Juliet" begins.

10:01pm

"Romeo and Juliet" is over.

10:02pm

We are whisked from our seats to the backstage area for our quick meet and greet with the cast members who will be joining us onstage for the talk back. This part is exciting!

10:15pm

Eric and Andy begin the talk back with the actors from this evening's performance. As I bore myself while I am talking, I see that beautiful overweight family from Wichita who sat next to us during the performance gaze into the theater to see what was happening.  The Shakespeare security staff has to ask them to leave.

10:17pm

The actors are getting a little frustrated with our questions, mainly because they have so very little to do with the play or acting.

10:19pm

It is becoming clear that the actors would rather talk about their play than about us. We try to ease the tension by asking them what they think about us AND "Romeo and Juliet".

10:20

Eric has a hangover already. Ora Jones seems to realize this and secretly relish it.

10:21pm

Ora Jones needs to learn when to shut her trap about Eric. All she is doing is putting him down!

(They used to date)

10:22pm

Don't worry, it's cool, Ora. Eric won't tell everyone about that thing you liked him to do...yeah, Ora knows. Emoticon of a wink.

10:25pm

It's time to start wrapping up. Eric and Andy proceed to pick apart James Elly's performance, note by note until he is crying like a little Arab girl.

10:29pm

Eric and Andy take a well deserved bow. It really was magical and all our guests seemed to be transported to a timeless place covered in leather and graffiti!  Where the Princes wear microphones and the Priests don't try to hide their creepiness by looking presentable.

10:35pm

Eric and Andy shake their last hand and walk out to the courtesy car waiting to take them home.  Let's do this again, Chicago! The future awaits!

If YOU would like to see a play at Chicago Shakespeare Theater, and are under 35, please use this link to purchase $20 tickets! If you are over 35, then make some friends and get a better job. Theatre ain't free, ya know.

The Big To-Do!!! Tonight at Navy Pier!!

Don't forget gang!
Tonight is the night when we all go to the Pier and see a great show and have drinks and meet the actors!!
See you all there at 5:30ish !!


Can't wait!!



-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Win a DREAM DATE with Eric & Andy!!!!

Hi loyal readers and attractive lovers!  Eric & Andy here with a huge and exciting contest for you!

You may have heard about Eric & Andy's Night At The Theatre happening tomorrow night at the Chicago Shakespeare Theatre.  Well how would you like to win a night of PASSION?  A night of THRILLS?  A night of AWKWARD SILENCES?

We have 2 free tickets to this amazing event tomorrow to give away!  All you have to do is write a 150 word essay on how beautiful and heroic Eric & Andy are (together, or separately...please mention both Eric and Andy in your essay, and at least MENTION our seductive eyes once, please) and submit it to our email:

reviewsyoucaniews@gmail.com

We will post the 2 winning essays before 5pm (cst) this afternoon!  What an incredible opportunity for two lucky people!  An open bar starting at 5:30, Romeo & Juliet at 7:30, and a wonderful and informative talk back right after the performance hosted by Eric & Andy!  And then...who knows?  You could end up breaking out of a Tijuana jail by sunrise!  We can't promise anything.

Good luck, faithful comrades!


*If you have tix to this event already, don't enter again to try and get more tix to scalp them...pretty tacky.  Also, if you win, don't dress like a slob...this is a pretty fancy place and we really want you to look your best.  No direct eye-contact.  We do not provide cab fare.  Don't leave at intermission and go to Billy Goat, that is the rudest thing anyone could do.  Show some skin.  Be aggressive...B. E. aggressive.

Taming of the Shrew- Chicago Shakespeare Theatre (Theatre Review)

Hey Iews fans! So, we got to see CST's Taming of the Shrew last night because we are heroes and CST gave us free tickets because we dared to tell the truth in a world of LIES! Here's how it all went!

Eric

So, Andy...what did you think of the framing device written by Mr. LaBute? Do you think that it served as an apology for Shakespeare's misogyny within the play that has posed a problem for a very long time?

Andy

I think all about that.

For example, when Lucentio comes on with Tranio and then they decide to switch clothes because the girl needs to learn at school

but the director older lady is banging the actress

man, those lobster claws were so good right?

Eric

Oh man...America, if you haven't gone to Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. yet, do yourself a favor. They were so good. And the cajun spices?

Andy

Man, I can't say enough good things about the spices. The whole environment there, really was incredible. So friendly.

Eric and I both had speckled lemonades from a very nice waitress.

Eric

She was a sweetheart, and knew so much Forrest Gump trivia. Like, did you know what kind of party Forrest got in trouble at with Jenny?

Andy

I said a "weird sex" party, and that scared her off a little, but she came back because she had to.

Eric

Right, because we had our "Stop, Forrest, Stop" license plate up.

Andy

That's what you put up when you want the waiters to come to your table.

Eric

Or to confuse them.

Andy

It's hard to say enough great things about Bubba Gump Shrimps Company.

Eric

Man, everything on the menu looked so good. I could just talk about the menu for an hour. I should have gotten the shrimp cocktail...DAMMIT!

Andy

You should've. I ordered a piece of shrimp cheesecake, but cancelled it at the last moment, because I can't just eat like that. I give myself excuses, and then I will become a blimp!

Eric

Shut up, you look great! Besides, it's just an excuse to get to the gym in the morning.

Andy

You are so right.

We also had a picture with a very "solid" Bob Newhart!!

Eric

Ha ha! That was so much fun. These pics make it look like we were having an incredible time.

Andy

Remember when we went to those statues of kids and we took one where you were getting kicked?!

Eric

Those were statues?

Andy

AHAHAHAHA!!!

Eric

AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Andy

So then we had some shrimp, like we said before...

Eric

Right, and some cajun fish meat. The dish was called a "Bucket of Boat Trash" which is weird because most humans have an aversion to eating trash.

Andy

Not us though.

We paid $19.99 for some trash.

Eric

We go for the gusto.

Andy

Speaking of trash, when dinner was over, we headed over to the play.

Eric

Did we ever. Did you see how nice out it was Andy? I could have sat on that pier all night, eating scrimps, drinking lemonade, having a terrific evening.

Andy

Yeah! My lady friend came and met us too! Also, we met some other friends down there, and sat at the cheeseborger cheeseborger place and had $8 beers.

Eric

Oh boy...things were getting SO great. And then the play started.

Andy

Well, first of all, I tried to bring in some of that great lemonade from before.

Eric

You got reprimanded.

Andy

The "saint" (the old people that usher so that they can see plays for free) told me that there was no way I could bring it inside.

Eric

NO WAY.

Andy

I promptly told him that this was strike 1.

Eric

The theater is pretty nice though.

It's state of the art, because that's what is most important. Not the play, or the acting or anything.

Andy

Right. It's a state of the art update to the Globe Theatre in London England.

Same number of seats and everything.

Eric

Except much less black plague.

Andy

Also, less interesting plays.

Eric

It kind of made me long for a stabbing amond the groundlings...like in olden times.

Andy

Wait, do you mean among the groudlings?

Or stabbing almond groundlings?

Eric

Either way, someone dark skinned is gonna die.

Andy

Here Here!

Eric

The play starts with the LaBute induction scenes, which establish that we are watching a "dress rehearsal" of Taming of the Shrew.

Andy

Now, this rehearsal is just like a regular tech rehearsal, with all the zany characters you really meet in a cast, except there are also tons of hot lesbos that are getting it on all over the stage.

Eric

It was a total boner factory at first. I thought I was in boner town!

Andy

You were, because I was sitting next to you, and I had a boner too.

So once the play began, we were transported to fair Padua, in Italy.

Eric

We all know the story, right? Do we REALLY have to get into it? I mean, they even pulled this shit out on Moonlighting.

Young sister = hot.

Older sister = hot, but a total bitch.

Andy

Well, apparently Chicago Shakespeare Theater didn't think there were enough subplots going on, so they added a few.

To their point though, there are only 73 substories in Shrew.

Eric

It's like Shakespeare used a Magic 8-Ball to write his plays.

"Should I have a master and servant do a switcheroo here?"

"SIGNS POINT TO YES."

Andy

"Should Bianca get wooed by servants for 3 scenes?"

"Ask again later."

Eric

And he did.

Andy

And the 8 ball said yes.

Eric

And the play was 3 hours long.

Andy

Anyway, the point is...

Character actor Mike Nussbaum has an enormous horse penis.

#2. Why does one person in the cast have a South African accent?

#3. Can't you make a Tuesday thru Thursday version that is shorter?

Because once you are on the Pier, it's fucking impossible to get home.

and #4

go ahead Eric.

Eric

Why is the men's bathroom so small? It was like we were at a Minor League game.

Andy

There were some good looking dudes in the audience though.

Eric

Amen to that. Very manly.

Andy

Anyway, the actors are all good, I guess.

The standouts were the Chicago storefront guys.

AS USUAL.

Why does Shakes have to get all these douches from New York?

We aren't good enough?

Eric

No, Andy, we aren't.

Andy

That one guy went to Yale, and all I got from him was that they spit a lot.

At Yale.

Eric

And the Katerina went to the trembling lip school of acting, which is right down the road from the George Clooney Acting with a Smirk college.

Andy

Which is right down the road from Devry.

Eric

Which is where I'm going this summer, did I tell you?

Andy

NO!

That's great Eric!

Eric

I know!

I'll finally make a career!

Andy

Thanks America for your time!

Be sure to go to Bubba Gump Shrimp Factory!!

Eric

No regrets!

Taming of the Shrew
C+
Bubba Gump Shrimp House
A+

-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach
-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer