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Friday, April 23, 2010

Neil LaBute's Commentary on Time Out Chicago's Review of "The Taming of The Shrew" at Chicago Shakespeare Theatre (person review)



Just take a look at this fat fuck.

Look at this homeless Bruce Vilanch.

Then read Caitlin Parrish's honest review of "Shrew" and his throw-away bullshit that frames the play. Then read his comments.

Even if this is the real Neil LaBute (director of Death at a Funeral and The Wicker Man), and I have it on good authority from my friends Elmo and Oscar the Grouch that it is, are we really fucking shocked that this huge bastard is pecking away at his iPhone in the middle of the night in between coke binges and jerking off to Aaron Eckhart's mighty visage?

He smells like leftover teriaki wings from last weeks Bulls game and the Jarvis red line stop. He stopped shaving because razors are afraid of him. Imagine coming across this guy's jungle crotch on ChatRoulette at 2am. By the way, I don't have to. Horrifying.

But...you know what...he is absolutely right. The only reason to do theater is for really big money. I mean, the arts in this country are paying huge right now...so grab that gold ring! Neil LaBute is just saying what's on all of our minds. I'm just gonna go with the newly patented LaBute comment system. Here's a sample exchange of something I would say to a horrible "critic":

Caitlin, Kris, John Beer, Nina Metz, etc.: Eric Roach is a terrible art person! He says stupid ass and his face is a fart! I wouldn't let him near any art endeavors because he ruins all things!

Me: Fuck you! I'm rich! What the fuck are you assholes talking about from the free Wi-Fi at OfficeMax?! I won the game, go eat some goat shit! Now excuse me, I have to go watch Tracy Morgan fuck three thousand-dollar-an-hour hookers while I eat a porterhouse and talk shit about Ethan Hawke behind his back! Critics are dumb-dumbs!

See how I handily won that exchange? It's like I've been Neil LaBute my whole life, sans the cutting on my inner thighs. In other words, Neil LaBute is a modern hero and is out there sticking it to the man. Who happens to be a woman, writing about theater, in Chicago, for no money.

May I say on everyone's behalf, Mr. LaBute, you are an inspiration and a golden god. Thanks for taking the high road.

A+

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

20 comments:

  1. Have fun being stuck in Chicago forever you talentless fucks.

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  2. JMS: It was especially fun keeping him going for the last word. I mean, I know I ended up contradicting myself, but come on. Fucker kept coming. It was just too good.

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  3. My review of your review, so that the snake continues to eat its own tail: http://onchicagotheatre.blogspot.com/2010/04/neil-labute-stays-classy.html

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  4. We could all write comments about comments about reviews of reviews of shows within shows all night, OR we could all go see The Hypocrites' production of "Cabaret" (7:30PM, DCA Theatre) and have our minds blown. Yeah I'm hustlin. I nabbed that life skill from behind the counters of Caribou Coffee, bitches.

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  5. I hope I can cut my inner thighs as well as NLB one day, while still keeping my glorious pubic mound intact.

    Thank you, Eric and Andy for brightening my day once again.

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  6. Hey, Lindsay, go for it. Equal Opportunity Promotion as far as I'm concerned. Oh, and you're really sexy, so that helps. Go see hot girls (and Rob McLean) in Cabaret, you talentless fucks!

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  7. Re: Cabaret--Two out of two gay critics whose last names start with a "V" recommend it! What more can you ask?

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  8. I mean, we're melting the hearts of gay men. I'm thinkin we would liquefy NLB. Go here, Neil: http://www.dcatheater.org/shows/show/cabaret/

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  9. Ditto Roach-- what a great day. But the funniest line has to be Frank Sennett's: "Whoever you are or aren't, I did enjoy the bracing brutality of In the Company of Men."

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  10. Hot Girls and Rob McLean=The name of my next band.

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  11. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  12. Alright gang, here's the story.
    Johnathon: I appreciate the fact that Neil Labute showed up and acted like a professional. When I go to work in the morning, I have to act like a professional too. They are paying him money to do that. So I immediately disqualify your statement about him being an affable person during work hours. Secondly, the first time I murdered a hooker, I bought her drinks first, so I immediately disqualify you saying that he is cool because he bought you a beer. I'm sure this play is awesome. I love going down and seeing shows at Chicago Shakes. Oh wait, poor actors can't go see them because we can't afford the tickets. So I immediately disqualify your statement about the play being worth it to see. Thirdly, and lastishly, I can't just bring fucking kids to work with me, so I immediately disqualify the fact that he was even at work. Fourfly, I could stand to drop a few pounds, but not Eric. We have a glandular thing and don't appreciate your Kate Moss jokes. Fourfly, who cares if it's the real McCoy or not? We just wanted to defend the community we are a part of from some douche who thinks he can come in and act like a fucking lunatic because his name is Neil Labute, and Neil Labute seemed like the perfect fit for me and Eric. I actually really admire his work!
    Thanks Johnathon, and keep reading Reviews You Can Iews!
    Also, I really admire the work of Ke$ha and the retarded painter at the nursing home.

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  13. why did you remove your post, jonathan? did you feel pressured or did you decide that labute wasn't that nice after all? i'm curious.

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  14. Hey y'all,

    I'm just curious about the olive branch you extended to Mr. LaBute and invitation for discussion. I mean, far be it from me to decide what grudges should be held, etc - but didn't he start this thing by talking about how he's better than everyone because he makes money, and then by insulting working artists, then by insulting Caitlin's intelligence and directing her eyes "off the codpieces", then by calling you fat and ugly, then by telling Chicago to suck it, etc? His calling out of critics as parasites was hardly the crux of his argument or the bulk of the content of his trolling. Now granted, I don't like his plays, but even if I did - does he really deserve an olive branch after that insult troll parade?

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  15. You might be qualified to receive a Apple iPhone 7.

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