Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Tresure Island (Lifeline Theatre Play)

Robert Louis Stevenson's classic tale of the human condition has withstood the test of time and gets a rousing, albeit not as good as I could've done production at Lifeline Theatre.
Rob Kauzlaric, as usual adapts this play to focus mainly on the torrid affair between Captain Smollett and Squire Trelawney (both parts played with grace and pride and dignity by newcomers Rob MacLean and the emotionally exhaustive John Ferrick).
Their story is one of love, treachery, deceit, and treasure, only to be found on an island called Treasure Island, which makes me reexamine how I name things.
For example: I'm gonna get out my Money Wallet and buy something for my Sex Bed.

The real stars of the show is the beautiful lighting and set design, built with purpose by Alan Donahue and Kevin D. Gawley, respectfully. There are ropes and lights and a fog show that is the best fog show I have seen since the Chicago Premier of "How to Succeed in Show Business Without Really Trying" starring the incredible John Lithgow in a performance yet to be rivaled by anyone ever at Lifeline Theatre, or Timeline Theatre as it seems.
Sean Sititski is absolutely rosey as the tough-but-fair Long John Silver and Ezekiel Sulkes brings new meaning to the name High Lord Commander with his maybe-Jewish maybe-black beauty, not to mention the talents brought to 3 dimensional life by a nostalgic Chris Hainsworth as the dastardly Mr. Smee.
When times get tough in old Ireland or wherever, the rich Squire decides to make a map and hire a crew to go out searching for Treasure somewhere off the coast of Malaysia, which at that time was called "Siamese". Trouble ensues when he is thrown of the boat with the Doctor (a luxurious portrayal of modern medicine by Patrick Blashill) and his intolerable lover Captain Smollett by a mutinous and dangerous Silver and his young assistant, Jim Hawkins (who has the boringest name in this play). Once on Treasure Island, they meet Ben Gunn (that same Jewish black guy from before) who has gone crazy and loves cheese.
In fact, Ben Gunn loves cheese so much, I had to leave in the middle to go get some CHEESE because it was all I could think of.
I highly recommend this play, but when you go, be sure to bring a block of cheddar, or a nice Camembert because, as nice as they are at the front of house, they will not sell you cheese.
All in all, an uproarious triumph of skill and pirate stuff!!

-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Personification (Language Tool)

Personification: A figure of speech in which an inanimate object or abstraction is given human qualities or abilities.

This little bastard is a favorite tool of mine, when I need to show everybody how smart I am.
For example, sometimes I turn on Carol the computer and get on Steve Internet to see what Frank Facebook has to say to me about Anita Deely or Eric Roach. They usually don't have too much to say in the Harold Morning, because they've just got in to Rodney Work.
But by the time Jeremy Lunch comes around, they are all talk!
Oh we will sit and chat and chat about all kinds of things.
Brad Baseball
Susan Dinner Last Night
Carl Which One of Our Friends are Sleeping Together

and even

Jennifer What Are We Doing With Our Lives

Well, that's usually a fun time until it's time to go Fred Home for the Nathan Night.
I like to watch Terry Television play me the hits while I kiss my Jew Girlfriend and complain about my Darnell Mom.

Anyway, this is just a basic Barry Example of personification in it's purest version, something I sure we can all use Tanya More of.

Phil Personification Article-

-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Larry Flynt's Hustler Club (gentlemen's club)

I am a discerning person when it comes to seeing naked ladies. I only want the best for me and my family, so when my brother decided to have his bachelor party at the Hustler Club in Washington Park, IL I had to jump at the chance like a wildebeest (i.e. a wild beast).

Larry is a really classy guy and I figured I was in for a sexy time to rival no other, and I wouldn't feel like a whore. I would feel other whores, grinding on my areas for money. Larry's place is big and separated into 3 areas: the porn shop, which is huge and well lit and clean and well-staffed and made me feel awkward and then aroused and then confused because what the hell do you stuff this thing into and then funny because it's for asshole stuffing, dum dum! The second area is the peep shows, which of course are the little booths that show hardcore porn if you stuff money into a slot (slot). I checked one out and no sooner did I sit down a sad man in jean shorts and a Cardinals shirt opened the door and rubbed on my leg with a sad look on his face. See, folks, if he would have had a smile on his face I might have let him "bong-bong" my "woo-woo" but he didn't, and no way am I getting a handjob from a really depressed guy. Been down that road before. I politely refused, and not 2 minutes later I heard a gunshot. This must have been a coincidence.

And, lastly and mostly, the club itself. Kind of dark, filled with guys (some couples...they are couple friendly), and with many private cubby holes for the special dancing (forbidden dancing) it is a literal showplace of vagina. There was a middle bar, and three pole stages where the girls would expose it for a bit o' the green (American cash...do NOT use coins, they get mad). But, all of the girls were very nice...they each asked me if I wanted a dance. They were insistent! But, I was mad because they were all white. Where are the lovely ladies that both The Beach Boys and Diamond Dave sang about?? I mean, every culture should be exploited for money, Larry. Every single one. I want a Sri Lankan whore AND a Thai lady-boy double teaming in front of me with a bar of soap. This shouldn't be a lot to ask. But, Larry is crippled, so maybe he can't find those ladies as easily as a Dominican guy could.

This place gets an A for Ass but a C for lack of Culture shockingness. Sorry, Hustler fans.

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

Final Destination 3D (Movie Experience)

You are waiting for the bus. All of the sudden, a bike rider zooms past on the sidewalk, knocking an elderly woman off her balance and into the street right when a bus is coming! You jump off the curb throwing yourself in front of the old woman, protecting her from the bus even though it wouldn't do any good and it would just kill 2 people instead of 1, but all of the sudden...the bus stops!! It was because you are at a bus stop.
But just then, the bus driver sticks his head out of the window to yell at you for being a stupid hippie and trying to save someone who was probably going to die soon anyway, when a sword truck speeds past and chops his head off. And his head goes into the sewer.
Now earlier in the day, (you didn't see this part) the bus driver found a lot of asbestos in his house and also ate a tapeworm that was pregnant with baby monster tapeworms. So when his head fell off and rolled into the sewer, the blood in his head pollutes the city's drinking water and giving monster tapeworm babies to everybody. Your girlfriend or husband drinks it and gets really sick, and you go out to get him some medicine and tell the local news to tell everyone to stop drinking water or they will all die, so they should only drink the water from your family's well, when a gangbanger walks up and shoots you.
But you don't die! You end up walking, shot, to the local news station where the doors are locked! Just then, that same bus from earlier runs into the news station, and a huge satellite falls off the top and kills you.

That's the opening scene to "Final Destination 3D" in my head. I've seen the other ones, and they are getting more and more real. Now, I didn't see this one, per se, but I've got a very good idea of what happens. Now, the first one was ridiculous. There was an accident on an airplane, and the airplane crashed. YEAH RIGHT!!
Luckily, they've got their act together and finally started making believable horrific accidents, and you get to wear awesome glasses when you watch it, but you have to give them back at the end. Now, every accident that happens, something falls on someone, which I really believe can happen and why I never stack things, or go to places with stuff that is taller then me.
I am going to give this movie an A+ for truthfulness, but a C because it is TOO real and my girlfriend won't let me see it by myself. Luckily my wife will.

While you read that last joke, your boss comes into your office and sees that you aren't working, and gets really mad and throws his new glass of lemonade all over you, but he misses and hits the computer! That short circuits the computer, starting a fire, which makes everyone have to exit the office. Well, it sucks that your office is in the Appalachian Mountains, because they have rattlesnakes there. Big ones. And one thing I know for sure about rattlesnakes is that they can NOT resist the smell of hot lemonade. So they all start coming to the office, without any disguises on, and start eating your coworkers!! Now you have to take all the molasses and sugar and throw it at the snakes to get them off, because you work at a molasses factory/office when you are carrying the last barrel of molasses down the steep staircase and fall and the barrel lands on you and pins you down, and now you are covered in snakes.


-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach