Thursday, September 3, 2009

Final Destination 3D (Movie Experience)

You are waiting for the bus. All of the sudden, a bike rider zooms past on the sidewalk, knocking an elderly woman off her balance and into the street right when a bus is coming! You jump off the curb throwing yourself in front of the old woman, protecting her from the bus even though it wouldn't do any good and it would just kill 2 people instead of 1, but all of the sudden...the bus stops!! It was because you are at a bus stop.
But just then, the bus driver sticks his head out of the window to yell at you for being a stupid hippie and trying to save someone who was probably going to die soon anyway, when a sword truck speeds past and chops his head off. And his head goes into the sewer.
Now earlier in the day, (you didn't see this part) the bus driver found a lot of asbestos in his house and also ate a tapeworm that was pregnant with baby monster tapeworms. So when his head fell off and rolled into the sewer, the blood in his head pollutes the city's drinking water and giving monster tapeworm babies to everybody. Your girlfriend or husband drinks it and gets really sick, and you go out to get him some medicine and tell the local news to tell everyone to stop drinking water or they will all die, so they should only drink the water from your family's well, when a gangbanger walks up and shoots you.
But you don't die! You end up walking, shot, to the local news station where the doors are locked! Just then, that same bus from earlier runs into the news station, and a huge satellite falls off the top and kills you.

That's the opening scene to "Final Destination 3D" in my head. I've seen the other ones, and they are getting more and more real. Now, I didn't see this one, per se, but I've got a very good idea of what happens. Now, the first one was ridiculous. There was an accident on an airplane, and the airplane crashed. YEAH RIGHT!!
Luckily, they've got their act together and finally started making believable horrific accidents, and you get to wear awesome glasses when you watch it, but you have to give them back at the end. Now, every accident that happens, something falls on someone, which I really believe can happen and why I never stack things, or go to places with stuff that is taller then me.
I am going to give this movie an A+ for truthfulness, but a C because it is TOO real and my girlfriend won't let me see it by myself. Luckily my wife will.

While you read that last joke, your boss comes into your office and sees that you aren't working, and gets really mad and throws his new glass of lemonade all over you, but he misses and hits the computer! That short circuits the computer, starting a fire, which makes everyone have to exit the office. Well, it sucks that your office is in the Appalachian Mountains, because they have rattlesnakes there. Big ones. And one thing I know for sure about rattlesnakes is that they can NOT resist the smell of hot lemonade. So they all start coming to the office, without any disguises on, and start eating your coworkers!! Now you have to take all the molasses and sugar and throw it at the snakes to get them off, because you work at a molasses factory/office when you are carrying the last barrel of molasses down the steep staircase and fall and the barrel lands on you and pins you down, and now you are covered in snakes.


-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

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