Thursday, February 25, 2010

Winter Olympics Mania!!!!!!! (SPORTS REVIEW BY ANTHONY TOURNIS)

Welcome to the Winter Olympics….EARTH! This A-GASM is going to shoot across the world and land in the mythical land of Vancouver (it’ s in the British occupied state of Columbia in Canada(dumb Canadians didn’t know there was already was a Columbia(buy a map, Canada!))). IT’S OLYMPICS TIME!!!! What can you say about the Winter Olympics? The Winter Olympics are awesome! The winter Olympics are my third favorite type of Olympics (if you don’t like the Special Olympics then you are retarded(retarded in a bad way, not the good way(like being gay in a bad way(I stand behind the gays(well…not completely behind them( I’m not gay)))))). The Olympics go back to the times of Ancient Greece, but the Winter Olympics have only been since February 12th. The Winter Olympics are only around because shitty countries are pissed because they suck at every sport that takes place above 32 degrees. But hey…more Olympics for me! There are many aspect to why the Winter Olympics are so cool (cold joke), but my favorite reason is because the Winter Olympics are so sexy! Look at the proof (the proof is in the pudding (the movie ‘Proof’ needs more boobs (heh…boobs (I like boobs)))).

Reason One: Skin tight spandex. Once only suitable for whores, now world class athlete approved! A woman in the Luge is wearing a full spandex body suit traveling at 80 m.p.h. (kilometers are for commies) with her legs slightly parted…she’s begging for it!

Reason Two: Who is nipping out? Everyone.

Reason Three: If you lose in the Winter Olympics you are immediately sold on an international sex market to defer the cost of all those precious (hobbit) medals they give out(the Earth don’t give that shit away for free)! This market is usually held in Russia or China (politics) and can last for up to six weeks. The losers are forced to dance to Falco’s classic hit “Rock Me Amadeus” (this song is German(Germans know about oppression)). The dumb ass losers are then bid upon by evil people and judged by two key criteria: sexiness and physical interpretation of Falco’s lyrics (keys to being a good sex slave).Then the dumb losers are bought and made to do sexy things (humping). That is how the Winter Olympics make their money. This is why I love the Winter Olympics, you can take it home with you(in the form of a malnourished athlete(that sucked so much they couldn’t get a bronze medal)who doesn’t speak English (dumb) and who forced to have sex with me(yeah)). Wow! That A-GASM was all over the place! Until next time America!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

We Must All Be Reminded That GOOD!!! (MUSIC REVIEW BY SCOTT OKEN)

Don’t laugh, don’t scoff, don’t fold your arms and “harrumph”! You’ve all heard of Journey, the band with the classics such as “Lights”, and “Wheel in the Sky”, and “Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’”, and…well, I could go on for some time. There is a group of music geeks that I belong to, that chuckle, turn up their noses, and sip their Cognac when there is talk of Journey. They are considered “corporate rock”. What the hell is that?!?!?! Did a CEO decide to tell Neal Schon and Greg Rollie to leave Santana, put out 3 unknown mid-seventies, semi Prog-Rock albums, get Steve Perry, then tone it down a bit and make lots of hits? Did they?!?!?! DID THEY?!?!?!?!

For those of you interested in their History, here is the page (It’s Wikipedia…so you know it’s true!) Just know that they were born from the womb of Santana and put out some jammin’ mid 70’s lps. If their career were to end there, only me and like 4 other people would talk of them from time to time feeling cool about ourselves that we could recite obscure jams to chicks drinking my Miller Lite. They got Steve Perry and that was it. This is where it gets interesting. You see, his voice is deceptive. He instantly pussifies the songs a bit, but upon listening closely, the jams are still ever present!

You may be asking yourself…WHY!?!?!?!? Why are you even writing an article about these guys? What don’t I already know!?! Simple. They were at their peak from 1978-1983. For me, that was 7th grade until High School Graduation, the Ultimate growing up years, so I have an affinity (or an INFINITY) for them.

I’m going to point out some highlights from the albums of that period, including things about the popular hits that I love.

1. Infinity (1978)

A. Lights- Don’t laugh…listen to perfect accompanying vocals with a perfectly non-overplayed solo. That’s the thing about Neal Schon. He could shred with the best of them, but he never played one more note than what was needed at the time.

B. Feeling That Way/Anytime- See above. The solo in Feeling That Way is especially pleasing. I was at a record store once where they played only FTW then they cut to another song…sacrilege!

C. Wheel in the Sky-Gentle electric, and acoustic opening..then …CHORD!!!!!!! Don’t dismiss!!!

D. La Do Da- Underrated gem

2. Evolution (1979)

A. Lovin’ Touchin’ Squeezin’- Shut up…tell me you haven’t danced with your best girl to this song…tell me!!!!

B. Just the Same Way- All jams, especially the outro…all guitar jams..LISTEN TO IT AGAIN!!!!

C. City of the Angels- This is the companion piece to LTS, but it doesn’t get the respect! It should!

D. Daydream-There a lots of gems on this record that didn’t get airplay, this being one of them

3. Departure (1980)

A. Any Way You Want It- Please…it’s a jam, you know it, and I know it. Stop fooling yourself, you look silly…stop!

B. Walks Like A Lady-This is a cool change of pace kind of shuffle from them. Give this one a listen

C. Where Were You- A nice little ditty and jams hard

D. I’m Cryin’-Perry screams in emotional PAIN!!!!!!!!! Lots of guitar jams here.

E. People and Places- Schon can sing too! See?!?!?!? An underrated gem here as well!

4. Captured (1981)-This is a live album with a new track

A. The Party’s Over (Hopelessly in Love) –This was a big hit that I associate with my there!

5. Escape(1981)-Greg Rollie is gone and Jonathan Cain enters here. You notice that the keyboards/synths get mixed way up more from this point on.

A. Don’t Stop Believin’- So many hits to mention here, I still like this song despite the White Sox RUINING it for me!!!!!!!!!!

B. Stone In Love- This one kinda got played, but it riffs pretty good.

C. Who’s Cryin’ Now- The first chink in the Journey armor. I am not a fan of this one.

D. Still They Ride- Schon’s best solo ever!!!!!!! Easily in the top 5 of all Journey songs!!!!!

E. Mother, Father- An epic/prog like tune. I like it. That is all.

F. Open Arms-You kissed your first girl/guy to this didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU!?!?!?

6. Frontiers (1983)-The weakest of all the lps of this period, but still chock full-o-hits!

A. Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)-Synth! AAHH! It’s ok, and this is a secret jam!

B. Send Her My Love- You can see the quality starting to dip here, but still ok.

C. Chain Reaction- An underrated decent tune.

D. After the Fire- My favourite on this lp. I can’t put my finger on it, or in it, but I like the beat

E. Faithfully-Yeah, it’s a pussy-ass song, but so what, dammit the road is hard!!!!!!

So, in conclusion, you all need to re-assess your stance on Journey. I command it!!!!!!

Thursday, February 18, 2010


Change your sheets, America! I’m here with another A-GASM that will leave a wet spot on your bed! FACTS OF LIFE! No...I'm not talking about the groundbreaking television show, and I'm not even talking about the art of sex (but don't get me started(wink)). I’m talking about a few facts that you all need to get through your heads. As the sports guy I am qualified to break this news to you people. You are not as good as athletes. You might be better at Math, eating chips, or checking your dog's testicles (have your pets spayed or neutered) for lumps. You might be great at a lot of things. It's just that athletes are just better people than you are. Playing sports just makes you better. Better than you. Better than your Dad. Better than your Grandpa (unless your Grandpa is a famous athelete(then you suck more than your Grandpa(die))). Face it. You suck compared to any athelete (except for Soccer players) and the sooner you get this through your head the better. You should have learned this in High School. Who got all the chicks in High School? Atheletes (except for Soccer players). Who sat at home masturbating to "Just the Ten Of Us"? You. Who were the popular kids? Atheletes (except for Soccer players). Who got beaten up and humiliated in front of the whole school? You. Who had sex with your Mom while you were mowing the lawn that one time? Athletes ((except for Soccer players)(sorry Dad)). Who just sat there and let a bunch of athletes sodomize them in the butt with whatever they could find in the back of their pickup truck? Soccer players. Who had to film it? You. Get the picture? High School athletes get their girlfriends pregnant because their sperm is strong and perfect. More perfect than you. You’re dumber than sperm. Dummy. So what, you think you are awesome because you can program a computer? Because you know how to read? Because you have a cure for face AIDS (the worst kind of AIDS(AIDS is so overrated) around)? Try running fast, or catching a ball, or even beating your wife (athletes only have sex with women because they aren’t gay(except for Soccer players)). Physical activity is tough…especially for you. That’s why it’s okay for athletes to take drugs. They need it and they are above the law. They are above the law because they are strong and pretty. Athletes only listen to Rock and Roll or Rap depending on their skin color. When they do it, it’s cool and hardcore. When you do it babies eat paint chips. Stop pretending to be cool. You aren’t. You make me sick. Plus, you’re fat and girls think you smell like a bag full of nacho farts.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Blood, Steel, Rock and Sugar!!!! (MUSIC REVIEW BY SCOTT OKEN)

Goddamn, I love Hard Rock…I love to flip tables. As y’all(No, I’m not from Texas…) might have realized, I mostly listen to the older stuff, but in the interest in keeping semi-up with the semi-times…(Christ, was that a sentence?!?!??), I have 4 jammin’ LPs from the last few years for you to go and check out…all guitars… all rock…don’t hurt yourselves, for I did!!!

Blood Ceremony –S/T (2008)-No Wiki entry, but check out their MySpace page. Check out under “influences”, the first two names are Black Sabbath and Jethro Tull. Upon 2 songs into this lp, that will become quite clear. When you press play, you will hear Black Sabbath riffs…an insane chick singing…and flute. Brilliant. These guys rock so hard I need to take medication to calm down. Your ears will need a Blood Ceremony to stop the BLEEDING!!!!! Every cut…every cut on the album is a complete jam. The 2 minute 1+note keyboard intro into “Master of Confusion" will usher you in properly. “I’m Coming With You” is an instant metal classic!!! What album called Blood Ceremony would be complete without a song titled “Into the Coven”, and yes, it’s a jam. This is what my friend Beav calls a 100%er. Every cut is a classic!!!! OUR :10/10

The Devil’s Blood-The Time of No Time Evermore (2009)-Nothing really on these guys except that they are Dutch, and formed in 2006. This lp is pretty straightforward Old-School Metal. Take some Iron Maiden, Scorpions, Black Sabbath, some somewhat refined, Euro-sounding vocals, and you have The Devils’ Blood. There are some excellent tracks here, including the lead cut into the second cut “The Time of No Time” and “Evermore”. One of my favourites (yes, I spell the British way..what of it?!?!?) is “Feeding the Fire with Tears and Blood”. This song is reminiscent of something of Sabbath Bloody Sabbath…and it jams you to the point of extinction. This is a good “getting ready to go out” album. You put it on after your shower, while you are getting dressed and it comforts you. OUR :10/10

Steel Panther
-Feel the Steel (2009)- Basically these guys are a parody band built from some not so successful Hair Metal bands back in the day…but Goddamn are they rockin’ hilarious! You CANNOT play these guys at the office while fixing that Excel spreadsheet. These guys are NSFW (Not Suitable For Work…see..I’m from the future!) Probably the most hilarious lyrics ever. There is nothing Dylanesque going on here. Virtually every song makes mention or is about shooting one’s load…if you know what I mean….cum…spooge. The lead cut “Death to all but Metal” starts with the lyrics “Fuck the GooGoo dolls…they can suck my balls” So you know what you are in for. Oh, and wait until the politically incorrect “Asian Hooker” hits your ears. Here’s the thing…they rock! The songs are classic 80s jams, but with tongue firmly in cheek….or mouth. Other classics include the ballad “Community Property” (A MUST LISTEN) and “Eatin’ Ain’t Cheatin’. Please go find this now. OUR :15/10

Rock Sugar-Reimaginator (2010)-Brand spankin’ new. These guys are real, I guess, but what they play is not conventional songs. They essentially play live mash-ups of Metal songs, mixed with pop tunes. Here is one of their videos that gives a brief captioned intro to their act. They take “Enter Sandman” and mash it with “Don’t Stop Believin’”. This is kinda cool for a few songs, but it does get old quickly. The best ones on this lp are “We Will Kickstart Your Rhapsody” “Crazy Girl” and “Voices in the Jungle”. Like I said, pretty fun and interesting for a few songs at a time, but I cannot see one listening to the whole lp at once. OUR: 6.5/10

Well then…now that I have made your lives easier to rock…I suggest you do so!!!!!!!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Mrs. Caliban - Lifeline Theatre (Theatre Review)

We all need someone we can cream on. - Mick Jagger

These words have always rung true, even before Mick sang them in a fake black accent in the late 40s. See everyone in Lifeline's latest play Mrs. Caliban is hoping and dreaming of someone to cream on, and that creaming takes many wild and dangerous forms. So lookout!

I got these tickets for free, so my review is really really biased. Just like everyone else's. All reporting is subjective, and as far as I'm concerned if I got free tickets to a show, that show just moved up a whole letter grade. So, right now, Mrs. Caliban starts at a D. Let's see if we can move it up a few more notches.

When I walked into the theatrical showplace, the set was not the usual gigantic 2 leveled show-off BS that Lifeline usually goes for, which was nice for a sweet change of pace. It was minimal, without being bold. Very understated, which is what I think I wrote in my little notebook. Or maybe I wrote bald. It was really dark.

The theater smelled nice. This may have been my wife.

The show apparently is based around the idea of magic realism, which is a term that writers created when they wanted to piss off audiences by introducing a crazy sci-fi element into a really depressing real situation. Mrs. Caliban is about Dorothy (played by the luminous and powerful Brenda Barrie, who carries the show on her lovely shoulders and clavicles) and her tragic marriage to Fred (an unbelievably white Dan Granata) and her horrible, horrible boring life. Then a lizard man shows up and bangs her for a FULL DAY! Seriously, this is the "inciting incident". The lizard man, Larry (an otherworldly Peter Greenberg, painted green...berg) is kept hidden by Dorothy in her dead son's bedroom. Dorothy is thrilled and excited to have this amazing new thing in her life, and becomes happy for the first time in years.

Then everything goes to fucking hell and it depressed the shit out of me.

Listen, Lifeline, I don't mind a play where things are depressing, but this is a show about a LIZARD MAN who is having sex with a bored housewife. No crazy fights, no laser guns. They keep talking about how the lizard man can tear guys heads off, but then they NEVER SHOW IT.

If you guys want to compete with The Tudors and Quantum Leap, you have got to sell a little steak with your sizzle, that's all I'm saying, America.

There are really good things about the show. The acting is pretty top notched...everyone commits to this really crazy story (LIZARD MAN) . The sound design is dope (LIZARD MAN). And, much to my wife's dismay, I'm in love with Brenda Barrie.


This show is an amazing risk for Lifeline, and that boosts it up to something that should be experienced...but you might want to have some episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond queued up on the DVR when you get home. I was depressed by this lizard man extravaganza.


-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

Thursday, February 11, 2010

The Problems with Black History Month (Problem Month)

The second week in February is important for the civil rights movement. That's the same week that Abraham Lincoln, a popular black man, and Fredrick Douglass, a crazy haired inventor were born.
It was originally known as "Negro History Week", created by a journalist in the 20's to showcase the black advancements in America. At the time, this was important to give an identity to the movement that was about to happen in our country, that unfortunately would take years and years and claim such leaders lives as Medgar Evers and Richard Pryor, but the fight went on.
Visionaries for equality included Martin Luther King Jr., Eldridge Cleaver, Rosa Parks, and lesser known, but equally responsible figures like Homer Plessy and Easy-E silently changed our racial climate in this blah blah blah.
Listen, all I know is, I turned on Tavis Smiley this past weekend, and boy was it the most boring thing I've ever heard.
Now, I understand his reasoning, in that, black people have done tons of things to change the American landscape and all that, and not just made music or played sports, but Tavis... PEOPLE LIKE MUSIC AND SPORTS.
I turn this jive turkey on and what's he doin? He's talking to a botanist about the plants that the slave ships brought over from Africa to the West Indies, and how they would do surviving in our climate.
I call bullshit, Tavis.
Are you mad at us?
Did we get mad at you when you had on Ben Vereen and Magic Johnson?
I didn't.
But for some reason now, I'm listening to Sonia Sanchez call everyone "Brother" and talk about how "Brother Miles" and "Brother Duke" are buried next to each other.
In fact, Tavis, I turned off your show and listened to the smooth melodies of Ludacriss instead.
While you were asking Sonia Sanchez how a haiku can inherently be black, Luda was asking me how low I can get my booty to the flo.
Do you even know where the flo is, Tavis?

I'm all for Black History Month, gang. But get it together.
Let's talk to people about things we wanna hear about.
Like Gregory Hines tribute shows, or the Candyman.

Black History Month

-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


Greeting sports fans and gamers! It looks like Reviews you can Iews is trying to up their game by bringing me on as a game and sports commentator. I'm going to do my best (bring my A-GAME (pun(joke))) to give you the straight poop on my game and sports musings. In fact, I am going call this commentary: Anthony's Game And Sport Musings...or A-GASM! Hopefully, you will like me and I can bring you many A-GASMS in the future. Now we will journey back in time (to when history was the future) and look at the interesting world of games! Early games were stupid. I mean just really fucking stupid. Before games were invented people just played with their poop and raped animals (an early form of sports). One of the earliest games invented was Hangman. Hangman was invented by Cossacks in 720 A.D. to teach their children how to guess words. These kids were really stupid because if they wanted to practice they could have watched Wheel Of Fortune but they were too dumb to invent television or Pat Sajak so they had to settle for hang man. Dumb. The goal of the game was to guess a word correctly using a minimal amount of guesses. If you guessed incorrectly you had to remove a body part off of a person that was executed by hanging (that's why it's called Hang Man (execution is gross)). To remove the body parts you had to kick them off the hanging body like a pinata (Mexicans know what I'm talking about). You only got three tries to kick a body part off, if you failed you were forced to kiss your sister. If you kissed your sister three times you had to marry her. They liked to "keep it in the family" (have sex with other family members (incest (incest is misunderstood))). Hangman winners were given bread. Dumb. This game was considered all the rage and was responible for alot of mutliated hangmen (which is fine because Europe was full of dead bodies). Then Americans made the game even dumber by ADDING body parts to a Hangman's noose ON PAPER! The only fun part of the game was trying to kick off an arm or a leg. Ah, America! Where we make games dumb and corpse free (love it or leave it!)! This is why you don't play hangman with Cossacks. They will just bitch and bitch about how awesome the game used to be. All in all, everyone is the past was dumb and had stupid games. That's all there is to the history of Hangman! Until next time, I hope my A-GASM made you week in the knees.

Monday, February 8, 2010

The Final Solution to the Whitesnake Problem (MUSIC REVIEW BY SCOTT OKEN)

Whitesnake…You’ve all heard the name before. They are known in this day and age as the highly coiffed, over spandexed, posing sons-a-bithces that gave us “Here I Go Again” and “Still of the Night”. Because of this they have become a punch line when referring to Hair Metal bands. To this, I don nothing but a loin cloth, walk out to a sandy beach and scream to the sky “DAMN YOU!!! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!!!!!!” (…well maybe not the loin cloth…nobody on this earth wants that) The fact is that Whitesnake has quite a few great straight-up rock and roll albums.

Before they went all Hair Metal, they were a bluesy, soulful rock and roll outfit.( that’s right, I said “outfit”). You see, lead singer David Coverdale came out of Deep Purple. He took over when Ian Gillan left back in 1974. With him, and new bassist Glenn Hughes, Deep Purple produced 3 fine lps, Burn, Stormbringer, and the criminally underrated Come Taste the Band. Many snooty “experts” dismiss these records as utter crap, which proves that snooty experts know NOTHING ABOUT ROCK!!!!! After Deep Purple split a few years later, Coverdale formed Whitesnake, taking keyboardist Jon Lord from the aforementioned Purple and grabbing some hard playin’ blokes to round out the band. I am here to shed light on these lps.

1. Snakebite-Side one is Whitesnake, side two is David Coverdale solo, however side one has some ESSENTIAL tunes to the Whitesnake catalogue, most notably the classic, “Ain’t No Love in the Heart of the City”. OUR: 7/10

2. Trouble-Bluesy Rock and Roll at it’s finest! The Title cut is a classic, as well as “The Time is Right For Love”. One thing to note hear is that Coverdale is far less screamy and screechy on these albums and you can really hear how awesome is voice really is. OUR: 8/10

3. Lovehunter-What a great Goddamn album!!! The lead off cut, “Long, Long Way From Home” should have been a number 1 hit!!!!!!!! Other notable jams, “Walking in the shadow of the blues” and “Lovehunter” OUR: 10/10

4. Ready and Willing- A near perfect lp. This is where you hear the song “Fool for your loving” as it was originally intended, not that bastardized version on Slip of the Tongue…that version induces me to punch babies! This album is solid from top to bottom. Run to your local store and buy it now!!!!!!!!!! OUR 10/10

5. Come and Get It- Solid album here. They start to get rather repetitive but there are some good jams, most notably “Hot Stuff” , “Wine, Women and Song” and “Come and Get It”. OUR: 6/10

6. Saints and Sinners- This is where the transition starts to creep it’s head in, ever so slowly. This much harder edged lp, contains the original versions of “Here I Go Again” and “Cryin’ In The Rain” (Ha! You thought they were new when they appeared on Whitesnake, didn’t you!?!?.....DIDN’T YOU!?!?!?) Interesting to listen to those songs without all the Hair Metal Production. OUR: 7/10

7. Slide It In- Now it is complete. This is the album right before the one that broke them out huge. Still, this is a fucking great album. The 80s production is in full force here, but not as annoying as the next album. “Slide it In” is a classic table-busting jam! “Slow and Easy” kicks ass and lest we not forget “Love Ain’t No Stranger”. You know they’re serious when they start using grammatically incorrect words in the titles!!!!

So my final plea to you is this. Do some Whitesnake research. Get the facts. Don’t dismiss albums and albums of solid Rock and Roll at the expense listening to snooty music elitists. Give Whitesnake a chance. It’s the right thing to do.

The Castle at Oracle Theatre (Play)

I enjoy seeing all kinds of theatre. Opera, dance, and even some folk dance. I also enjoy the theatre of war.
Now, this is all well and good until Friday night, when my wife and I decided to drink in a performance of "The Castle" by Howard Barker at Oracle Theatre.
Oracle is a company that I have quite a history with. The old Artistic Director, Aaron Shapiro and I, used to get very drunk together and muse about women, and one time I threw up red wine on his new white carpet. But really, I think that is probably his fault, because what jerk has a white carpet? I mean, we were like, 25 years old, you have to imagine that things will get weird every now and then and the last thing you want to have when that happens is white flooring that can't be immediately cleaned. I mean, what if girls came over and we wanted to get freaky on the floor? Well we'd have to find some trash bags or something for the ground because I like my sex with lots of body liquids everywhere so that's your first problem.
Now it's funny that you should mention sex with lots of body juices, because that's what "The Castle" was for me.
Immediately when I walked in, the place was packed! I wasn't sure if we would be able to get a seat, but luckily I had called ahead, so there was a space reserved for us in the front row.
First, I'd like to give special acknowledgement to Eric Van Tassel, a giant in our community for working diligently as a tech director and stage manager (both women's jobs) and doing them without any complaining as far as I saw. Great job Eric!
The play is about a young crusader (Jason Rice) who returns from killing Muslims in the middle east to find his homeland in upheaval. His wife is in love with a witch, his assistants won't listen to him anymore, and he talks really loudly so everyone knows what he is talking about. Joining him at the castle: his friend Nailer (played with exquisite ingenuity by the illustrious Casey Chapman) and this other guy with a stick (Jackson King, an incredible new talent) who has sex with the lady who lives at the castle maybe? I know she had some kids out of wedlock, I think. It was hard to figure out what was going on.
But one thing I could say, I sure would've liked to have had some kids with the lady of that castle ( a thinks-she-is-so-much-better-than-me Rachel Boller)!
The room, (thanks largely to Ben Fuchsen and Justin Warren for cleaning up and letting Chris Neil and Kristina Carr build a very sturdy set) was filled with energy and all the actors seemed to have a pretty reasonable idea of what was happening next, and what they were going to do after the show was over.
I'm glad I stuck around with my wife after the show was over, because I really wanted to meet the actors since they did such a marvelous job. For example, I had always wanted to meet David Borren, a Chicago theatre staple, and I had my chance! Just when I was about to become a big nerd and embarrass myself by gushing over his catalogue of achievements, a young fresh actress, Victoria Gilbert (great in her role as the witch) took her top off and started shotgunning beers for everyone to see. Well, my wife is not one to be outdone, so she was next and the girls poured beer all over each other and giggled while the men tried to ignore this and continued to play hangman.
Listen, I can't make you see a play. I can only recommend it. But listen, the people at Oracle theatre will give you beer and a great show and you can meet them afterwards and play hangman, and then they will get naked.
So think about it.

The Castle by Howard Barker

-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Impostor (Movie Review)

No one remembers Impostor. It's a little sci-fi film from 2001 with Gary Sinise and Vincent D'Onofrio and it got bad reviews and no one saw it. Except...for...ME!

But I didn't see it in 2001. I saw the trailer for it, and I said "Oh, it's based on a Phillip K. Dick story. If it isn't Blade Runner, than you just failed, Mr.Gary Sinise." So, it disappeared from my mental contusions. And then we were attacked by terrorists. Coincidence? Maybe. Rhetorical question? Definitely.

So, I quietly went about the rest of my American life. I married, bought a condo, joined a theatrical production company, had a few jobs and drank. Then, just as life seemed at its absolute nadir...when all hope was lost, as it were...I saw that Showtime was playing Impostor. "Oh yeah," I said out loud to no one, "I remember when that came out."

Impostor is the story of Spencer Olem (played by the versatile and kind of ugly Gary Sinise), a physicist in the horrible future world of 2079. Earth has been at war with a terrible alien race called the Centuri for years, and Dr. Olem has just constructed the ultimate weapon with which to combat them. And along comes old Fucknuts himself Major Hathaway (Vincent D'Onofrio in a stomach-rumbling scenery-shitter of a performance) who arrests Gary and straps him down to a future torture chair. He tells Gary that he's actually a robot clone with a bomb in his ribcage set to detonate when he's near his target. Of course, the movie would end if Gary didn't get away so...spoiler alert...he does. He escapes into the sewers under the domed city, after he shot his best friend in the chest so he will have a dramatic scene in which he gets to ALMOST cry about it (cuz he's a fucking MAN, you pansies!) later.

In the sewers he meets up with a black guy (Mekhi Pfiffer...what the hell HAPPENED to him?) who takes him hostage. It's the future, so this isn't racist. Gary offers him a trade...see Gary is married to Madeline Stowe (who just plays herself in every goddammed thing she's in) who is a doctor at the Veterans Hospital and she has access to all these drugs and blah, blah, blah, jesus the middle of this movie is boring as shit. Who cares.

They make it to the hospital, and they run around for a bit and oh no it ends. I'm not gonna tell you how it ends, but here, let's see if you can figure it out from this multiple choice question:

Gary Sinise:

A) Gets back together with his wife and Vincent D'Onofrio was wrong about him being a clone and they all get chicken fried steak and laugh about it.
B) Gary and the black guy open a stereo store.
C) Gary AND Madeline Stowe are actually clones, and his chest-nuke goes off, killing Vincent D'Onofrio and all the soldiers in a pretty cheesy 2001 CGI-explosion. The black guy says something poignant, and I eat a popsicle.
D) My cable went out.

It IS one of those things, and I dare you to guess!

Gary Sinise also co-produced this movie, which made me think, "Geez, why'd he do that? I mean, there's not much of a market for this movie, and basically it's just sci-fi action and they really dumbed down Phillip K. Dick. I'm sure his story was not about chasing Gary Sinise, I'll bet it was about the nature of identity and other really fucking cerebral shit. Plus, Gary Sinise probably doesn't have to make a movie like this...doesn't he get a check for Forrest Gump each month that's worth more than my soul?" You have to come to the conclusion that Gary Sinise wanted to be a hot sexy leading man in this movie...there's plenty of love-making scenes and scenes showing off his Dad-abs. But, let's be's Gary fucking Sinise. He always looks like he's got to take a dump, and he probably smells like Chaps.

Oh boy. Honestly, I'll bet that Scott Bakula would have been better. He's better suited for this sci-fi nonsense, and soccer moms get their panties wet for him. Scott, give me a call, I've got a few shitty movie ideas for you.

C (negative)

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

The differences and similarities between Shia LeBeouf and Ground Beef (Celebrity/Meat comparison series)

Now before we get started, I know what you are thinking.
"There are hardly any similarities between celebrities and meat, but with our new Celebrity/Meat Comparison Series, you will see that isn't exactly true!
Meat and Celebrities have long had a love/hate relationship and it's time to expose the truth to the masses of dozens of readers.
Let's get started with our inaugural subjects to get a magnifying glass held up to them, Shia LeBeouf and Ground Beef.

Shia Saide LaBeouf- (pronounced /ˈʃaɪə ləˈbʌf/ SHY-ə lə-BUFF; born June 11, 1986) is an American actor, voice actor, and comedian.
LeBeouf began his career as a young actor on the Disney network, playing a 10 year old dreamboat on Even Stephens, a show about 2 young men named Stephen who are exactly even at everything. The show was an instant hit/failure. He then joined the cast of Suddenly Susan and the children's book come to life, Holes, another near success for the Disney Company.
In 2007, he grew to enormous popularity, starring in Disturbia, a film about the suburbs and someone has hurt their leg and has binoculars and isn't a remake, and the hugely popular Transformers, a movie about trucks that talk and turn into walking trucks (see: not as fast as trucks on wheels). After that, there has been no limit to Shia's success. From Indiana Jones and the Skull Crystal Box to the upcoming Wall Street 2: Money for Sale, he is a rising star for our daughters.

Beef mince, ground beef or hamburger meat (in North America), or mince(d) meat (in the rest of the English speaking world)- is a ground meat product, made of beef finely chopped by a meat grinder. It is used in many recipes including Hamburgers and Cottage Pie. Beef began it's career as a food item in the ancient times in the intestinal network where it received much success as an energy supplement for long hunts and all night sex festivals. It's first starring role as "Ground" beef came in the early medieval Russian times as the lead in Steak Tartar, a fine dish mixing herbs and beef together for a great onplate duo!
In the late 19Th century, Dr. James Henry Salisbury came up with chopped beef patties to cure Civil War soldiers suffering from "camp diarrhea." The patties were made of meat from disease-free/diseased animal muscle fibers with no fat, cartilage or connective tissues, seasoned with diarrhea, and broiled. Dr. Salisbury advocated eating beef three times a day for a healthy Constitution, and that's how the Constitution was written. The term "Salisbury steak" dates back in print to 1897.
Salisbury Steaks, the forefathers of Hamburgers, gave beef a household name and Beef has become one of the biggest stars of today!


Lebeouf attended predominantly Hispanic and African American schools in Los Angeles, being supplemented by tutors.
Ground Beef didn't have any education either.


LeBeouf is slated to host the popular Saturday Night Live in 2010 for his second time.
Ground Beef, while never a host, has been used by everyone from John Belushi to Billy Crystal to Jim Belushi.


Ground Beef has been called "the tool for Poor Nations to exist in the 1st world" by Winston Churchill.
LeBeouf has never won an award.


LaBeouf is a corruption of "le bœuf", the French term for "the ox" or "the beef"

Beef is a corruption of "balloon", a Scandinavian term for "the ox" or "the beef".

In the end, there are very obvious differences, but sometimes, like all things in life, it's better to focus on what we have in common and enjoy the ride.

-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Monday, February 1, 2010

You’re a Stone God, so have some Hot Leg!!! (MUSIC REVIEW BY SCOTT OKEN)

I’ve been accused of musically being stuck in the past. That is true for the most part. I have been known to state that there is no good music after 1979. I actually adjusted that to 1989…I mean, I can’t leave out the Hair Metal years, can I? (Oh so British…ending sentences with a 2 word question, isn’t it?)

The 90s for me had some hit and miss Grunge and it’s related offshoots. The 00s have been utterly non-eventful for me…until around 2003. That’s when Permission To Land, by The Darkness came out. Yeah, it was throwback…but it was TABLE FLIPPING JAMS throwback! Then came One Way Ticket…To Hell and Back in 2005. Produced by former Queen guru Roy Thomas Baker! All Jams! Then shortly thereafter they broke up. Shit!!!!

Not to worry. They basically split up into 2 pretty good bands. Lead singer Justin Hawkins broke off to form Hot Leg, leaving his brother Dan Hawkins to grab another singer named Richie Edwards and form Stone Gods with the remaining members of The Darkness.

You can read up on both bands more specifically here and here.

I am here to review the 2 albums. Let us start with Hot Leg’s Red Light Fever. If you like the Darkness, you will like Hot Leg. This basically continues on from where The Darkness left off. Justin’s uber-falsetto vocals are as Relentless as Judd Nelson here. The opening track “Chickens” could have been on the last Darkness Album. Pretty much every song gives you that combo of Pop sensibility with that hard rock/borderline metal guitar driven jams. One of the more poppy tunes is the silly “Gay in the 80s” . Silly ass lyrics, but oh-so singable! Another loveable single is “I’ve met Jesus”, a song guaranteed to stick in your head, almost to the point of being annoying, but in a good way! One other thing I love about this lp, is the liberal use of guitar solos! Always a good thing! Another good jam is “Trojan Guitar” (yeah….Trojan™). That songs comes complete with silly voices! Basically if there are more than 3 really good songs on any given album, I deem it a “Get off your ass and buy it” lp (yes, I still use the term “LP” even though we download everything). OUR(OKen’s Ultimate Rating) 9/10.

Now on to the Stone God’s album entitled Silver Spoons and Broken Bones. Obviously without the distinct voice of Justin Hawkins, you are going to get something different here, and you do. This album can fool you. At first you might think that this is basically strict, by-the-numbers Heavy Metal, rooted in the 80s classic period, well, not so much the Hair Metal period, although there is some of that. The first cut “Burn the Witch” is a classic metal prototype song. You know…swords…flames…witches…etc. It’s a pretty good jam. A good Pop-Metal song on the lp is “You Brought a Knife to a Gun Fight”. It kind of comes from the AC/DC school of jams. Then there is “Where You Coming From” which could be a hit on any chart. There are some good ballads on here too. “Lazy Bones” is great, as is “Magdalene Street”. The former seems like it is possessed by the spirit of Johnny Rzeznik. The more I listened to this album the more I really, really started to love it. I conclude that you should get this album as well. OUR: 9/10.

See? I can like the new stuff once in a while!!!! Now go out, buy these albums, and bust all wooden furniture!!!