Facts of Life (SPORTS REVIEW BY ANTHONY TOURNIS)

Change your sheets, America! I’m here with another A-GASM that will leave a wet spot on your bed! FACTS OF LIFE! No...I'm not talking about the groundbreaking television show, and I'm not even talking about the art of sex (but don't get me started(wink)). I’m talking about a few facts that you all need to get through your heads. As the sports guy I am qualified to break this news to you people. You are not as good as athletes. You might be better at Math, eating chips, or checking your dog's testicles (have your pets spayed or neutered) for lumps. You might be great at a lot of things. It's just that athletes are just better people than you are. Playing sports just makes you better. Better than you. Better than your Dad. Better than your Grandpa (unless your Grandpa is a famous athelete(then you suck more than your Grandpa(die))). Face it. You suck compared to any athelete (except for Soccer players) and the sooner you get this through your head the better. You should have learned this in High School. Who got all the chicks in High School? Atheletes (except for Soccer players). Who sat at home masturbating to "Just the Ten Of Us"? You. Who were the popular kids? Atheletes (except for Soccer players). Who got beaten up and humiliated in front of the whole school? You. Who had sex with your Mom while you were mowing the lawn that one time? Athletes ((except for Soccer players)(sorry Dad)). Who just sat there and let a bunch of athletes sodomize them in the butt with whatever they could find in the back of their pickup truck? Soccer players. Who had to film it? You. Get the picture? High School athletes get their girlfriends pregnant because their sperm is strong and perfect. More perfect than you. You’re dumber than sperm. Dummy. So what, you think you are awesome because you can program a computer? Because you know how to read? Because you have a cure for face AIDS (the worst kind of AIDS(AIDS is so overrated) around)? Try running fast, or catching a ball, or even beating your wife (athletes only have sex with women because they aren’t gay(except for Soccer players)). Physical activity is tough…especially for you. That’s why it’s okay for athletes to take drugs. They need it and they are above the law. They are above the law because they are strong and pretty. Athletes only listen to Rock and Roll or Rap depending on their skin color. When they do it, it’s cool and hardcore. When you do it babies eat paint chips. Stop pretending to be cool. You aren’t. You make me sick. Plus, you’re fat and girls think you smell like a bag full of nacho farts.

The History of Hangman (GAME REVIEW BY ANTHONY TOURNIS)

Greeting sports fans and gamers! It looks like Reviews you can Iews is trying to up their game by bringing me on as a game and sports commentator. I'm going to do my best (bring my A-GAME (pun(joke))) to give you the straight poop on my game and sports musings. In fact, I am going call this commentary: Anthony's Game And Sport Musings...or A-GASM! Hopefully, you will like me and I can bring you many A-GASMS in the future. Now we will journey back in time (to when history was the future) and look at the interesting world of games! Early games were stupid. I mean just really fucking stupid. Before games were invented people just played with their poop and raped animals (an early form of sports). One of the earliest games invented was Hangman. Hangman was invented by Cossacks in 720 A.D. to teach their children how to guess words. These kids were really stupid because if they wanted to practice they could have watched Wheel Of Fortune but they were too dumb to invent television or Pat Sajak so they had to settle for hang man. Dumb. The goal of the game was to guess a word correctly using a minimal amount of guesses. If you guessed incorrectly you had to remove a body part off of a person that was executed by hanging (that's why it's called Hang Man (execution is gross)). To remove the body parts you had to kick them off the hanging body like a pinata (Mexicans know what I'm talking about). You only got three tries to kick a body part off, if you failed you were forced to kiss your sister. If you kissed your sister three times you had to marry her. They liked to "keep it in the family" (have sex with other family members (incest (incest is misunderstood))). Hangman winners were given bread. Dumb. This game was considered all the rage and was responible for alot of mutliated hangmen (which is fine because Europe was full of dead bodies). Then Americans made the game even dumber by ADDING body parts to a Hangman's noose ON PAPER! The only fun part of the game was trying to kick off an arm or a leg. Ah, America! Where we make games dumb and corpse free (love it or leave it!)! This is why you don't play hangman with Cossacks. They will just bitch and bitch about how awesome the game used to be. All in all, everyone is the past was dumb and had stupid games. That's all there is to the history of Hangman! Until next time, I hope my A-GASM made you week in the knees.

Welcome!

Hello Internet Neighbors! Eric & Andy here with our latest venture...Reviews You Can Iews! You might have seen our fantastic reviews on Facebook, which will be reprinted here tomorrow, if we have the time and care about it. We'll be reviewing everything...from theatrical productions to record albums to appliances to sports to Hey Jude being sung by 3rd Graders in New York to television shows to whatever stop asking me!!!

But, please make this your one stop plop for all the reviews...that you...can IEWS!

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer