Facts of Life (SPORTS REVIEW BY ANTHONY TOURNIS)

Change your sheets, America! I’m here with another A-GASM that will leave a wet spot on your bed! FACTS OF LIFE! No...I'm not talking about the groundbreaking television show, and I'm not even talking about the art of sex (but don't get me started(wink)). I’m talking about a few facts that you all need to get through your heads. As the sports guy I am qualified to break this news to you people. You are not as good as athletes. You might be better at Math, eating chips, or checking your dog's testicles (have your pets spayed or neutered) for lumps. You might be great at a lot of things. It's just that athletes are just better people than you are. Playing sports just makes you better. Better than you. Better than your Dad. Better than your Grandpa (unless your Grandpa is a famous athelete(then you suck more than your Grandpa(die))). Face it. You suck compared to any athelete (except for Soccer players) and the sooner you get this through your head the better. You should have learned this in High School. Who got all the chicks in High School? Atheletes (except for Soccer players). Who sat at home masturbating to "Just the Ten Of Us"? You. Who were the popular kids? Atheletes (except for Soccer players). Who got beaten up and humiliated in front of the whole school? You. Who had sex with your Mom while you were mowing the lawn that one time? Athletes ((except for Soccer players)(sorry Dad)). Who just sat there and let a bunch of athletes sodomize them in the butt with whatever they could find in the back of their pickup truck? Soccer players. Who had to film it? You. Get the picture? High School athletes get their girlfriends pregnant because their sperm is strong and perfect. More perfect than you. You’re dumber than sperm. Dummy. So what, you think you are awesome because you can program a computer? Because you know how to read? Because you have a cure for face AIDS (the worst kind of AIDS(AIDS is so overrated) around)? Try running fast, or catching a ball, or even beating your wife (athletes only have sex with women because they aren’t gay(except for Soccer players)). Physical activity is tough…especially for you. That’s why it’s okay for athletes to take drugs. They need it and they are above the law. They are above the law because they are strong and pretty. Athletes only listen to Rock and Roll or Rap depending on their skin color. When they do it, it’s cool and hardcore. When you do it babies eat paint chips. Stop pretending to be cool. You aren’t. You make me sick. Plus, you’re fat and girls think you smell like a bag full of nacho farts.