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Thursday, February 4, 2010

Impostor (Movie Review)

No one remembers Impostor. It's a little sci-fi film from 2001 with Gary Sinise and Vincent D'Onofrio and it got bad reviews and no one saw it. Except...for...ME!

But I didn't see it in 2001. I saw the trailer for it, and I said "Oh, it's based on a Phillip K. Dick story. If it isn't Blade Runner, than you just failed, Mr.Gary Sinise." So, it disappeared from my mental contusions. And then we were attacked by terrorists. Coincidence? Maybe. Rhetorical question? Definitely.

So, I quietly went about the rest of my American life. I married, bought a condo, joined a theatrical production company, had a few jobs and drank. Then, just as life seemed at its absolute nadir...when all hope was lost, as it were...I saw that Showtime was playing Impostor. "Oh yeah," I said out loud to no one, "I remember when that came out."

Impostor is the story of Spencer Olem (played by the versatile and kind of ugly Gary Sinise), a physicist in the horrible future world of 2079. Earth has been at war with a terrible alien race called the Centuri for years, and Dr. Olem has just constructed the ultimate weapon with which to combat them. And along comes old Fucknuts himself Major Hathaway (Vincent D'Onofrio in a stomach-rumbling scenery-shitter of a performance) who arrests Gary and straps him down to a future torture chair. He tells Gary that he's actually a robot clone with a bomb in his ribcage set to detonate when he's near his target. Of course, the movie would end if Gary didn't get away so...spoiler alert...he does. He escapes into the sewers under the domed city, after he shot his best friend in the chest so he will have a dramatic scene in which he gets to ALMOST cry about it (cuz he's a fucking MAN, you pansies!) later.

In the sewers he meets up with a black guy (Mekhi Pfiffer...what the hell HAPPENED to him?) who takes him hostage. It's the future, so this isn't racist. Gary offers him a trade...see Gary is married to Madeline Stowe (who just plays herself in every goddammed thing she's in) who is a doctor at the Veterans Hospital and she has access to all these drugs and blah, blah, blah, jesus the middle of this movie is boring as shit. Who cares.

They make it to the hospital, and they run around for a bit and oh no it ends. I'm not gonna tell you how it ends, but here, let's see if you can figure it out from this multiple choice question:

Gary Sinise:

A) Gets back together with his wife and Vincent D'Onofrio was wrong about him being a clone and they all get chicken fried steak and laugh about it.
B) Gary and the black guy open a stereo store.
C) Gary AND Madeline Stowe are actually clones, and his chest-nuke goes off, killing Vincent D'Onofrio and all the soldiers in a pretty cheesy 2001 CGI-explosion. The black guy says something poignant, and I eat a popsicle.
D) My cable went out.

It IS one of those things, and I dare you to guess!

Gary Sinise also co-produced this movie, which made me think, "Geez, why'd he do that? I mean, there's not much of a market for this movie, and basically it's just sci-fi action and they really dumbed down Phillip K. Dick. I'm sure his story was not about chasing Gary Sinise, I'll bet it was about the nature of identity and other really fucking cerebral shit. Plus, Gary Sinise probably doesn't have to make a movie like this...doesn't he get a check for Forrest Gump each month that's worth more than my soul?" You have to come to the conclusion that Gary Sinise wanted to be a hot sexy leading man in this movie...there's plenty of love-making scenes and scenes showing off his Dad-abs. But, let's be honest...it's Gary fucking Sinise. He always looks like he's got to take a dump, and he probably smells like Chaps.

Oh boy. Honestly, I'll bet that Scott Bakula would have been better. He's better suited for this sci-fi nonsense, and soccer moms get their panties wet for him. Scott, give me a call, I've got a few shitty movie ideas for you.

C (negative)

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

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