Monday, August 1, 2011
I asked the boy, “Tanner, do you remember the name of the Doctor in the play?”
The boy looked at me, a little absent-mindedly and answered, “Um.. Doctor Horowitz?”
“Noooo.” I said, trying not to laugh.
“Then I don’t know”. said Tanner without the least bit of interest or embarrassment for not knowing the name.
“Ok, does anybody else know the name?”
7 or 8 girls raised their hands.
“Sophia, could you tell us?”
“It’s Doctor Clown! I know because I thought it was a funny name because I don’t have a clown doctor that would be too funny but one time I did have a doctor that had a funny last name but now I can’t remember it because this time I ate something bad and my Mommy told me I had to go to a doctor because my tummy hurt and so I went to the doctor and he gave me medicine and it stopped hurting but then my brother had to see a dentist one time-”
“OH MY GOD SHUT UP” I was screaming inside my brain.”JUST ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH!”
This is a constant pattern you see in children. Girls running their mouths off to a male teacher, perhaps talking over the other girls to be heard and there being no consequence for these actions, because while the other girls are clearly having their feeling hurt for not being picked, they wait to talk to you alone, and to blame another girl for, maybe, pushing her, or putting her backpack too close to hers.
With boys, it’s always the other way. “You don’t like my answer? Then fuck you, pal. I’m gonna go run around with my buddies.”
The thing is, when you work with children, you can make connections pretty easy to the grown ups in your life that act the same way.
I went to see this play by About Face Theatre called “The Homosexuals”. This play is about a group of gay guy friends and takes place over the course of 10 years or so. They all bang each other and break up and make up and bang their boyfriends and cheat on each other and eat Oreos and do all sorts of guy stuff.
Well, I’m watching this show, and listening to the dialogue, and the whole time I am thinking: These dudes seem really shady to me. They aren’t talking about their problems a bunch, they aren’t arguing over the dishes, or who made the bed, but they are talking about who they want to fuck and what is for dinner.
Well, I left thinking about that. About dialogue that seemed a little cold.
It made sense, and the math was there, but having been in a bunch of relationships, I had a hard time relating.
THEN IT HIT ME!
This is how relationships are when you don’t have women in them! They are AWESOME!
NO TALKING ABOUT HOW DRESSES FROM DILLARD’S DON’T FIT RIGHT! NO TALKING ABOUT HOW THIS RELATIONSHIP ISN’T GOING ANYWHERE AND COMMITMENT AND MARRIAGE AND DOGS AND BEDSPREADS!
It all made sense and never in my life has homosexuality seemed more appealing.
As straight men, we look forever for a girl with a beautiful female body and the mind of a college buddy, and guess what bros? The woman doesn’t exist.
You can either bang your college buddy (looking like a much better option) , OR you can be with a woman and say goodbye to silence and baseball.
Unfortunately, it isn’t our choice. We are born gay or straight. For me, I was born to a life of following women around and trying to make myself attractive to what might as well be an alien species, because men have no idea what is attractive to women. Do women like mustaches now? They like Tom Selleck. He has a mustache.
Oh the pining I do to be a man who loves men! A man that didn’t have to concern himself with dress patterns and wedding invitations and hear stories about how some woman at work is trying to destroy her life.
Anyway, go see this play.
It’s fantastic and let me tell you why.
Patrick Andrews is awesome. I hadn’t met this guy before, but apparently he is good at everything and he seems like a nice guy too. Patrick plays the main guy and he is strong enough to carry this show and maybe a sequel.
Scott Bradley is in it. Scott is what some people would consider a legend, and while I might agree with them, he is more than that, a Chicago treasure that will reveal himself to America when the time is right. He plays this great character that seems written for him. A sort of Golden Girl in the body of a 35 year old man.
Benjamin Sprunger is in it. Ben was nominated for a Jeff Award last year for “Company”, and has maybe the most ridiculous body you have ever seen. Everyone in the audience had boners when he took his shirt off, so...free boners.
Ben does nicely with a British accent, even though I’m not sure why they needed a British character.
The script was written by the about-to-be-famous Philip Dawkins who keeps writing better, more provoking pieces, exploring his unique point of view.
The show recently was extended until August 14th, so if you run, you can probs still catch it, and you want to because as far as new work goes, there isn’t any better right now.
Here is my one problem, and please keep in mind that this is my problem with about 75% of new work out there:
Leave September 11th out of your play. Other things have happened over the course of the last 10 years besides September 11th. Nobody ever uses it as a way to show how the world has changed, only as a mile marker.
SO STOP IT.
I have always loved About Face for their strength and service to the community through youth ensembles and hot guys, and never has the opportunity for you to love them seemed better than right now!
Go see it!
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach
*In this story, I have changed some names to protect children and my employment.