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Thursday, September 3, 2009

Larry Flynt's Hustler Club (gentlemen's club)

I am a discerning person when it comes to seeing naked ladies. I only want the best for me and my family, so when my brother decided to have his bachelor party at the Hustler Club in Washington Park, IL I had to jump at the chance like a wildebeest (i.e. a wild beast).

Larry is a really classy guy and I figured I was in for a sexy time to rival no other, and I wouldn't feel like a whore. I would feel other whores, grinding on my areas for money. Larry's place is big and separated into 3 areas: the porn shop, which is huge and well lit and clean and well-staffed and made me feel awkward and then aroused and then confused because what the hell do you stuff this thing into and then funny because it's for asshole stuffing, dum dum! The second area is the peep shows, which of course are the little booths that show hardcore porn if you stuff money into a slot (slot). I checked one out and no sooner did I sit down a sad man in jean shorts and a Cardinals shirt opened the door and rubbed on my leg with a sad look on his face. See, folks, if he would have had a smile on his face I might have let him "bong-bong" my "woo-woo" but he didn't, and no way am I getting a handjob from a really depressed guy. Been down that road before. I politely refused, and not 2 minutes later I heard a gunshot. This must have been a coincidence.

And, lastly and mostly, the club itself. Kind of dark, filled with guys (some couples...they are couple friendly), and with many private cubby holes for the special dancing (forbidden dancing) it is a literal showplace of vagina. There was a middle bar, and three pole stages where the girls would expose it for a bit o' the green (American cash...do NOT use coins, they get mad). But, all of the girls were very nice...they each asked me if I wanted a dance. They were insistent! But, I was mad because they were all white. Where are the lovely ladies that both The Beach Boys and Diamond Dave sang about?? I mean, every culture should be exploited for money, Larry. Every single one. I want a Sri Lankan whore AND a Thai lady-boy double teaming in front of me with a bar of soap. This shouldn't be a lot to ask. But, Larry is crippled, so maybe he can't find those ladies as easily as a Dominican guy could.

This place gets an A for Ass but a C for lack of Culture shockingness. Sorry, Hustler fans.

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

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