Friday, April 30, 2010

Expose: 5 Ways to Look Like an A-hole at the Gym! (Sports Review by Anthony Tournis)

What’s happening, America? You are going to get PUMPED by this A-GASM! We all know that physically strong people are just plain better than you (read my previous post about athletes being better than you (Bruce said “This might be the funniest thing I look at all day” (my uncle said it sucked( Bruce is better than my Uncle Dave(Fuck you, Dave!))))). This expose is will not tarnish their sterling reputation, but give you some advice on what to do when you finally go to a gym (if you’re not too busy listening to your 4 Non Blondes album(you call yourself a man? (you might as well chop off you balls and mail them to your unborn kids))). I have spent my fare share of time in a gym, so I am an expert when it comes to not looking like an asshole at the gym. After careful deduction and analysis of exercise routines (science) I have created a list of five things you shouldn’t do so you don’t look like an asshole when you finally go to the gym :

5. Spandex on a guy – I don’t care what you wear as long as it isn’t spandex. I don’t want to see your balls. No one does (BURN). You aren’t going to get girls (or boys( or the Polish)) wearing something like that. If you were a woman it’s alright because you could get some sweet, sweet camel toe (it’s like the cherry on top of going to the gym (other than working out( camel toe and muscles (where do I sign up? (the gym!))))), and that would be fine, but you aren’t a girl. I can see that you are close to being a girl, but you are still kind of a guy. Put on some real pants.

4. Singing out loud – This is classic asshole behavior. We all know Enter Sandman(and love it because it’s a fucking jam( seriously Metallica is the greatest band of all time( LEARN IT!!!!))), but you are not James Hetfield( if you are I would ask for your autograph on my St. Anger tattoo (seriously the man is a god (AND a Christian Science guy( or are they called Christian Scientists? (I don’t want to call them Scientists because they hate science( you didn’t know( it’s called a book(dumbass)))))))). Another problem, you are singing Metallica, but when I get close I can hear you blasting Lovefool by The Cardigans (change the song and your tampon). You are poser singing (might as well stamp “ASSHOLE” on your forehead)! Moral of the story : James Hetfield is fucking awesome!

3. The shower greeting – This is something my Uncle Dave told me. I tried it once( it didn’t go over well). Uncle Dave said that when you are in the shower and another man enters you have to show him that you are unarmed (he said this goes back to medieval times (boy, people were dumb back then)) and you do this by bending over and spreading your cheeks. Uncle Dave made me practice this over and over again. He said it was the only way to get ahead (at least that is what I thought he said). He was really eager to make sure I was unarmed. Really eager. Anyway, if you do this at the gym then you are an asshole (that includes you Uncle Dave (asshole!))

2. Leave – When you are finished with your work out…go home. Stop trying to lure the receptionist into listening to your Rush CD’s in your T-Top Camaro (first she thinks you are gay (second Rush sucks (thirdly (it sounds weird to say thirdly (anyway…thirdly the Camaro is awesome (keep it)))))). You are the fart of the gym: When you are finished…disappear (I am a goddamn poet)

1. Wearing a bandana – Really? Are you serious? You are wearing a bandana while working out? There are two reasons why you are wearing that stupid thing. You are either trying to cover your receding hairline (the receptionist isn’t going to let you fingerbang her in the Denny’s parking lot after you take her to see Letters From Julia (not because of your hair (she knows you have a tiny penis (don’t you wish you never wore spandex to the gym (FTW))))), or you don’t want to get sweat in your eyes (yeah because sweat in your eyes might ruin your mascara (suck it up it’s just sweat (pussy))). One thinks you are cool with a bandana they just think you are an asshole.

There you have it. Five ways to avoid being an asshole in the gym. I would like to mention that I was going to add wearing a fanny pack as one of the top five, but it seems to this reporter that if you are wearing a fanny pack you already KNOW you are an asshole (you are smart).I hope this A-GASM left you dripping from a workout in how not to be an asshole 101.

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