HEALTH WATCH: Playing “Bags” will turn you into a Douche! (Guest Reviewer Anthony Tournis)

This A-GASM is for your own damn good(and just like Campbell’s soup…it’s good for you(I would like to welcome Campbell’s soup as my new sponsor(by sponsor I mean thing that I am eating out of a can because I don’t have bowls(poverty)))) . There is an epidemic sweeping across this country(are you scared yet?). It could be effecting you without you even knowing about it(DAMN! That is scary!), it effects men of every age (OH SHIT I’M SCARED!!!), and there is no cure (I just turned my pants into a FUDGE FACTORY!!!). What the hell is it? The epidemic is douchebaggery. Do not take being a douche lightly. There is no turning back when you set out down that road. Sure it starts off easily but you could be a full blown douche before you know it. Early warning signs include socks with sandals(just wear shoes, dumbass), wearing a baseball hat with the tags on it( you just look like an idiot who forgot to take the tags off of his shitty hat), being a Yankee’s fan (self explanatory) and listening to Coldplay( I thought you were a man…my mistake). One of the easiest ways to turn douche is by playing “bags”. First of all, it isn’t called “bags”. The correct term is cornholing (cornholing also means having butt sex(technical term(yep…I’m not making this up))). I guess they started calling it “bags” when guys would say things like “Bro! Me and like five dudes were in the alley last night until 3 a.m. drinking and cornholing. It was awesome! We are going to drink and cornhole all night tonight! Wanna come over? Cool! Bring that big sack of yours!” Cornholing (the game) is simple. You throw bags (which look like nutsacks) at a hole in piece of wood. The game was started by some disgruntled frat boys who were sick of manning the gloryholes in their frat house, and wanted to have some fun. They took the holey boards (not Jesus holy(holey so these frat boys could blow each other and remain anonymous)) and started throwing little nutsacks at them. Viola! Cornholing is invented! During spring and summer is the season for contracting douche via cornholing. It starts off simple: You go to your friends place for a barbeque, he has cornholing all set up in his back yard (y’know just in case the party goes south), you see a couple of “cool” (cool is in quotations because these guys are douches) guys tossing the nutsacks around, you start to think “that doesn’t look too difficult”, you walk over and declare you got next game (you start turning your hat around backwards (early douche signs), and the next thing you know you are talking to a bunch of guys about how awesome Jimmy Buffet is. BAM! You are a douche! You might as well highlight your hair, chew some dip, and tune up your acoustic guitar because you are tainted (taint). This A-GASM is a warning! Once you catch douche it is next to impossible to get rid of it (cornoling is a gateway drug to becoming a douche( might as well fake tan and end it all)) . Do not go down the cornholing road! It might look like fun, but after you walk down that path it’s nothing but Ed Hardy clothes and UFC magazines (no one wants that). Just say no to cornholing!