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Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Eric & Andy's Lunch With Neil LaBute (Applebee's review)


After close to a week of hearsay, confusion, and quick theater justice, I’m afraid that our very sincere and hopeful apologies to Neil LaBute, Tony Award winning author and director, have gone unanswered.

We offered to talk this out over a McDouble, a delicious sandwich offered at McDonald’s restaurant that has two meat patties and lettuce. And bread, too. But I guess Neil LaBute was too busy eating tacos with Morgan Freeman to bother with us.

So we decided to make up a conversation we had with Neil over dinner at the most neutral place we could think of, the Applebee’s in Naperville.

For your enjoyment, here is what we dreamt our conversation would be like:


Eric & Andy: HI NEIL LABUTE!

Andy: Is that a new shirt, Neil LaBute?

Neil: I got it at Marshalls.

Eric: Nice! I get my shoes and housewares there.

Andy: I've never been. How's the coleslaw here?

Neil: Oil based. I like creamy, so I usually substitute roasted garlic.

Eric: AHAHAHAH!

Andy: AHAHAHAHA!

Eric: This is so nice. Round of Mudslides please, and BIG waters...don't gyp us.

Waiter: You bet!

Andy: So Neil, listen, we are so sorry about what happened with all this stuff.

Eric: It just got so out of control, and everyone just ate it up with a spoon!

Neil: I know...I just felt like I was getting attacked so much.

Andy: I understand man, I mean, I can't speak for Eric, but I got some really bad reviews when I did one of your plays too.

Eric: Who hasn't? And for your stuff to get heckled by like...EVERYONE now. Shoot, even black people are heckling you!

Neil: I thought Death at a Funeral was a pretty good idea.

Andy: No, you didn't.

Eric: Yeah, they paid you a lot for that, right?

Neil:......$2 million.

Andy: Eh, that's ok, I guess.

Eric: It's not Chicago Shakes money, am I right, ladies?

Ladies: You're so RIGHT, Eric!

Andy: So did we come here to talk about your goofy movie career, or something else?

Eric: Andy's in it to win it today, piss and vinegar! Let's get to brass tacks. You forgive us, right?

Neil: You guys are great, I haven't had this much attention in a long time. Sure I forgive you!

Eric & Andy: (big sighs) Oh great!

Eric: Well, listen, how do we move forward? I mean, three smart and attractive guys like us...the world's our oyster!

Andy: Would you like to offer us movie parts?

Neil: I do have this new project that just got greenlit at Paramount Vantage...a real departure for me. You guys are perfect for it.

Eric: Balls!

Neil: It's a civil war drama..."The Wind Is Nigh."

Andy: Oh, I've heard of that.

Eric: No you haven't, dude.

Neil: Anyway, Andy I think you'd be wonderful as Clark, the rebel from southern Missouri, and Eric you'd be Clark's best friend James, but you'd be Yankee.

Eric: Now that's drama, buddy!

Andy: Ok, so what happens?

Eric: And how big is my trailer?

Andy: (whispers to Eric) Nice.

Neil: Um...well, see, Clark and James are caught on opposite sides of the battle, and James is...how do I say this...he's raping one of Clark's slaves.

Eric & Andy:...Say that again.

Andy: Did you say he was raping a slave?

Neil: Right.

Eric: So...slave rape. And this is a...departure for you.


(silence)

Andy: I can't get over how good these ribs are.

Eric: Do you want some of these fried green beans?

Andy: Yes please, do you want some of this fried apple sauce?

Neil: You see, it's basically a metaphor for America.

Eric: You know it, slick! Hey, pass that A1 sauce.

Andy: Hang on, so are you saying that America rapes women?


(silence)

Andy: Here's that A1 sauce

Neil: Well, the slave girls that get raped are stand-ins for all the countries that America -

Eric: More Mudslides!

Andy: Do you guys have, like, a tuna salad thing?

Waiter: No.

Andy: That's cool. Anyway, so what is this about America?

Eric: And slave girls? This sounds pretty good so far. Are there battle scenes?

Neil: Well, maybe some small ones...I mean, the story is set during the war, but it's not so much-


Eric: Explosions, Neil. 3D.

Andy: Titties and dragons.

Eric: Laser guns and space planets. This is the shit that makes bank, Neil LaBute.

Andy: See Neil, far be it from me to tell you what people like, I mean, you are the writer here, but...I've heard people talk a lot about Batman and dolphins and shit, sooooo...

Neil: This is a civil war drama!

Eric: (exaggerated snoring sounds)

Andy: (shouting) CAN WE GET THE CHECK HERE!!!???

Neil: Wait! Wait!

Eric: Hey, everybody! We're going to Rockit for beers! Let's get the EFFF outta here!

Everyone in Applebee's: YAY!

Neil: WAIT! PLEASE! I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!!

Eric: Make a fucking movie with titties and dragons, broheim. You gonna finish that Mudslide?

Andy: Until you do that, Broseph of Arimethea, we aren't gonna be your raping clowns.

Eric: But, seriously, here's our emails. Blow us up when you do that remake of Soul Plane.

Eric & Andy: Peace out, Neil LaBute.

Neil: (weeps and pays check)



We didn't make any of this up, by the way. Look for "Neil LaBute's Space Plane Battle 3D" at the IMAX in 2011! Happy Wednesday, everyone!

5 comments:

  1. You forgot the part where Neil tries to win back your affection by comparing his bank statement to that of the waiter. But regardless, this is brilliant.

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  2. you don't hear Broseph of Arimethea as much as you should.

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  3. I think that "Neil LaBute's Space Plane Battle: 3D" is actually replacing "Captain EO" at Epcot now that the Michael Jackson thing's died down...and thank GOD.

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  4. There aren't enough movies about space planets.

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  5. That's so weirdly coincidental: I'm writing a screenplay right now about a big-breasted dragon with a laser gun who blows up a whole fucking space planet. But, like, relevant.

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