The Final Solution to the Whitesnake Problem (MUSIC REVIEW BY SCOTT OKEN)

Whitesnake…You’ve all heard the name before. They are known in this day and age as the highly coiffed, over spandexed, posing sons-a-bithces that gave us “Here I Go Again” and “Still of the Night”. Because of this they have become a punch line when referring to Hair Metal bands. To this, I don nothing but a loin cloth, walk out to a sandy beach and scream to the sky “DAMN YOU!!! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!!!!!!” (…well maybe not the loin cloth…nobody on this earth wants that) The fact is that Whitesnake has quite a few great straight-up rock and roll albums.

Before they went all Hair Metal, they were a bluesy, soulful rock and roll outfit.( that’s right, I said “outfit”). You see, lead singer David Coverdale came out of Deep Purple. He took over when Ian Gillan left back in 1974. With him, and new bassist Glenn Hughes, Deep Purple produced 3 fine lps, Burn, Stormbringer, and the criminally underrated Come Taste the Band. Many snooty “experts” dismiss these records as utter crap, which proves that snooty experts know NOTHING ABOUT ROCK!!!!! After Deep Purple split a few years later, Coverdale formed Whitesnake, taking keyboardist Jon Lord from the aforementioned Purple and grabbing some hard playin’ blokes to round out the band. I am here to shed light on these lps.

1. Snakebite-Side one is Whitesnake, side two is David Coverdale solo, however side one has some ESSENTIAL tunes to the Whitesnake catalogue, most notably the classic, “Ain’t No Love in the Heart of the City”. OUR: 7/10

2. Trouble-Bluesy Rock and Roll at it’s finest! The Title cut is a classic, as well as “The Time is Right For Love”. One thing to note hear is that Coverdale is far less screamy and screechy on these albums and you can really hear how awesome is voice really is. OUR: 8/10

3. Lovehunter-What a great Goddamn album!!! The lead off cut, “Long, Long Way From Home” should have been a number 1 hit!!!!!!!! Other notable jams, “Walking in the shadow of the blues” and “Lovehunter” OUR: 10/10

4. Ready and Willing- A near perfect lp. This is where you hear the song “Fool for your loving” as it was originally intended, not that bastardized version on Slip of the Tongue…that version induces me to punch babies! This album is solid from top to bottom. Run to your local store and buy it now!!!!!!!!!! OUR 10/10

5. Come and Get It- Solid album here. They start to get rather repetitive but there are some good jams, most notably “Hot Stuff” , “Wine, Women and Song” and “Come and Get It”. OUR: 6/10

6. Saints and Sinners- This is where the transition starts to creep it’s head in, ever so slowly. This much harder edged lp, contains the original versions of “Here I Go Again” and “Cryin’ In The Rain” (Ha! You thought they were new when they appeared on Whitesnake, didn’t you!?!?.....DIDN’T YOU!?!?!?) Interesting to listen to those songs without all the Hair Metal Production. OUR: 7/10

7. Slide It In- Now it is complete. This is the album right before the one that broke them out huge. Still, this is a fucking great album. The 80s production is in full force here, but not as annoying as the next album. “Slide it In” is a classic table-busting jam! “Slow and Easy” kicks ass and lest we not forget “Love Ain’t No Stranger”. You know they’re serious when they start using grammatically incorrect words in the titles!!!!

So my final plea to you is this. Do some Whitesnake research. Get the facts. Don’t dismiss albums and albums of solid Rock and Roll at the expense listening to snooty music elitists. Give Whitesnake a chance. It’s the right thing to do.

The Castle at Oracle Theatre (Play)

I enjoy seeing all kinds of theatre. Opera, dance, and even some folk dance. I also enjoy the theatre of war.
Now, this is all well and good until Friday night, when my wife and I decided to drink in a performance of "The Castle" by Howard Barker at Oracle Theatre.
Oracle is a company that I have quite a history with. The old Artistic Director, Aaron Shapiro and I, used to get very drunk together and muse about women, and one time I threw up red wine on his new white carpet. But really, I think that is probably his fault, because what jerk has a white carpet? I mean, we were like, 25 years old, you have to imagine that things will get weird every now and then and the last thing you want to have when that happens is white flooring that can't be immediately cleaned. I mean, what if girls came over and we wanted to get freaky on the floor? Well we'd have to find some trash bags or something for the ground because I like my sex with lots of body liquids everywhere so that's your first problem.
Now it's funny that you should mention sex with lots of body juices, because that's what "The Castle" was for me.
Immediately when I walked in, the place was packed! I wasn't sure if we would be able to get a seat, but luckily I had called ahead, so there was a space reserved for us in the front row.
First, I'd like to give special acknowledgement to Eric Van Tassel, a giant in our community for working diligently as a tech director and stage manager (both women's jobs) and doing them without any complaining as far as I saw. Great job Eric!
The play is about a young crusader (Jason Rice) who returns from killing Muslims in the middle east to find his homeland in upheaval. His wife is in love with a witch, his assistants won't listen to him anymore, and he talks really loudly so everyone knows what he is talking about. Joining him at the castle: his friend Nailer (played with exquisite ingenuity by the illustrious Casey Chapman) and this other guy with a stick (Jackson King, an incredible new talent) who has sex with the lady who lives at the castle maybe? I know she had some kids out of wedlock, I think. It was hard to figure out what was going on.
But one thing I could say, I sure would've liked to have had some kids with the lady of that castle ( a thinks-she-is-so-much-better-than-me Rachel Boller)!
The room, (thanks largely to Ben Fuchsen and Justin Warren for cleaning up and letting Chris Neil and Kristina Carr build a very sturdy set) was filled with energy and all the actors seemed to have a pretty reasonable idea of what was happening next, and what they were going to do after the show was over.
I'm glad I stuck around with my wife after the show was over, because I really wanted to meet the actors since they did such a marvelous job. For example, I had always wanted to meet David Borren, a Chicago theatre staple, and I had my chance! Just when I was about to become a big nerd and embarrass myself by gushing over his catalogue of achievements, a young fresh actress, Victoria Gilbert (great in her role as the witch) took her top off and started shotgunning beers for everyone to see. Well, my wife is not one to be outdone, so she was next and the girls poured beer all over each other and giggled while the men tried to ignore this and continued to play hangman.
Listen, I can't make you see a play. I can only recommend it. But listen, the people at Oracle theatre will give you beer and a great show and you can meet them afterwards and play hangman, and then they will get naked.
So think about it.




The Castle by Howard Barker
A+


-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Impostor (Movie Review)

No one remembers Impostor. It's a little sci-fi film from 2001 with Gary Sinise and Vincent D'Onofrio and it got bad reviews and no one saw it. Except...for...ME!

But I didn't see it in 2001. I saw the trailer for it, and I said "Oh, it's based on a Phillip K. Dick story. If it isn't Blade Runner, than you just failed, Mr.Gary Sinise." So, it disappeared from my mental contusions. And then we were attacked by terrorists. Coincidence? Maybe. Rhetorical question? Definitely.

So, I quietly went about the rest of my American life. I married, bought a condo, joined a theatrical production company, had a few jobs and drank. Then, just as life seemed at its absolute nadir...when all hope was lost, as it were...I saw that Showtime was playing Impostor. "Oh yeah," I said out loud to no one, "I remember when that came out."

Impostor is the story of Spencer Olem (played by the versatile and kind of ugly Gary Sinise), a physicist in the horrible future world of 2079. Earth has been at war with a terrible alien race called the Centuri for years, and Dr. Olem has just constructed the ultimate weapon with which to combat them. And along comes old Fucknuts himself Major Hathaway (Vincent D'Onofrio in a stomach-rumbling scenery-shitter of a performance) who arrests Gary and straps him down to a future torture chair. He tells Gary that he's actually a robot clone with a bomb in his ribcage set to detonate when he's near his target. Of course, the movie would end if Gary didn't get away so...spoiler alert...he does. He escapes into the sewers under the domed city, after he shot his best friend in the chest so he will have a dramatic scene in which he gets to ALMOST cry about it (cuz he's a fucking MAN, you pansies!) later.

In the sewers he meets up with a black guy (Mekhi Pfiffer...what the hell HAPPENED to him?) who takes him hostage. It's the future, so this isn't racist. Gary offers him a trade...see Gary is married to Madeline Stowe (who just plays herself in every goddammed thing she's in) who is a doctor at the Veterans Hospital and she has access to all these drugs and blah, blah, blah, jesus the middle of this movie is boring as shit. Who cares.

They make it to the hospital, and they run around for a bit and oh no it ends. I'm not gonna tell you how it ends, but here, let's see if you can figure it out from this multiple choice question:

Gary Sinise:

A) Gets back together with his wife and Vincent D'Onofrio was wrong about him being a clone and they all get chicken fried steak and laugh about it.
B) Gary and the black guy open a stereo store.
C) Gary AND Madeline Stowe are actually clones, and his chest-nuke goes off, killing Vincent D'Onofrio and all the soldiers in a pretty cheesy 2001 CGI-explosion. The black guy says something poignant, and I eat a popsicle.
D) My cable went out.

It IS one of those things, and I dare you to guess!

Gary Sinise also co-produced this movie, which made me think, "Geez, why'd he do that? I mean, there's not much of a market for this movie, and basically it's just sci-fi action and they really dumbed down Phillip K. Dick. I'm sure his story was not about chasing Gary Sinise, I'll bet it was about the nature of identity and other really fucking cerebral shit. Plus, Gary Sinise probably doesn't have to make a movie like this...doesn't he get a check for Forrest Gump each month that's worth more than my soul?" You have to come to the conclusion that Gary Sinise wanted to be a hot sexy leading man in this movie...there's plenty of love-making scenes and scenes showing off his Dad-abs. But, let's be honest...it's Gary fucking Sinise. He always looks like he's got to take a dump, and he probably smells like Chaps.

Oh boy. Honestly, I'll bet that Scott Bakula would have been better. He's better suited for this sci-fi nonsense, and soccer moms get their panties wet for him. Scott, give me a call, I've got a few shitty movie ideas for you.

C (negative)

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

The differences and similarities between Shia LeBeouf and Ground Beef (Celebrity/Meat comparison series)

Now before we get started, I know what you are thinking.
"There are hardly any similarities between celebrities and meat, but with our new Celebrity/Meat Comparison Series, you will see that isn't exactly true!
Meat and Celebrities have long had a love/hate relationship and it's time to expose the truth to the masses of dozens of readers.
Let's get started with our inaugural subjects to get a magnifying glass held up to them, Shia LeBeouf and Ground Beef.
History:

Shia Saide LaBeouf- (pronounced /ˈʃaɪə ləˈbʌf/ SHY-ə lə-BUFF; born June 11, 1986) is an American actor, voice actor, and comedian.
LeBeouf began his career as a young actor on the Disney network, playing a 10 year old dreamboat on Even Stephens, a show about 2 young men named Stephen who are exactly even at everything. The show was an instant hit/failure. He then joined the cast of Suddenly Susan and the children's book come to life, Holes, another near success for the Disney Company.
In 2007, he grew to enormous popularity, starring in Disturbia, a film about the suburbs and someone has hurt their leg and has binoculars and isn't a remake, and the hugely popular Transformers, a movie about trucks that talk and turn into walking trucks (see: not as fast as trucks on wheels). After that, there has been no limit to Shia's success. From Indiana Jones and the Skull Crystal Box to the upcoming Wall Street 2: Money for Sale, he is a rising star for our daughters.

Beef mince, ground beef or hamburger meat (in North America), or mince(d) meat (in the rest of the English speaking world)- is a ground meat product, made of beef finely chopped by a meat grinder. It is used in many recipes including Hamburgers and Cottage Pie. Beef began it's career as a food item in the ancient times in the intestinal network where it received much success as an energy supplement for long hunts and all night sex festivals. It's first starring role as "Ground" beef came in the early medieval Russian times as the lead in Steak Tartar, a fine dish mixing herbs and beef together for a great onplate duo!
In the late 19Th century, Dr. James Henry Salisbury came up with chopped beef patties to cure Civil War soldiers suffering from "camp diarrhea." The patties were made of meat from disease-free/diseased animal muscle fibers with no fat, cartilage or connective tissues, seasoned with diarrhea, and broiled. Dr. Salisbury advocated eating beef three times a day for a healthy Constitution, and that's how the Constitution was written. The term "Salisbury steak" dates back in print to 1897.
Salisbury Steaks, the forefathers of Hamburgers, gave beef a household name and Beef has become one of the biggest stars of today!

Education:

Lebeouf attended predominantly Hispanic and African American schools in Los Angeles, being supplemented by tutors.
Ground Beef didn't have any education either.

Hosting:

LeBeouf is slated to host the popular Saturday Night Live in 2010 for his second time.
Ground Beef, while never a host, has been used by everyone from John Belushi to Billy Crystal to Jim Belushi.

Awards:

Ground Beef has been called "the tool for Poor Nations to exist in the 1st world" by Winston Churchill.
LeBeouf has never won an award.


Name:

LaBeouf is a corruption of "le bœuf", the French term for "the ox" or "the beef"

Beef is a corruption of "balloon", a Scandinavian term for "the ox" or "the beef".


In the end, there are very obvious differences, but sometimes, like all things in life, it's better to focus on what we have in common and enjoy the ride.

A+
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

You’re a Stone God, so have some Hot Leg!!! (MUSIC REVIEW BY SCOTT OKEN)

I’ve been accused of musically being stuck in the past. That is true for the most part. I have been known to state that there is no good music after 1979. I actually adjusted that to 1989…I mean, I can’t leave out the Hair Metal years, can I? (Oh so British…ending sentences with a 2 word question, isn’t it?)

The 90s for me had some hit and miss Grunge and it’s related offshoots. The 00s have been utterly non-eventful for me…until around 2003. That’s when Permission To Land, by The Darkness came out. Yeah, it was throwback…but it was TABLE FLIPPING JAMS throwback! Then came One Way Ticket…To Hell and Back in 2005. Produced by former Queen guru Roy Thomas Baker! All Jams! Then shortly thereafter they broke up. Shit!!!!

Not to worry. They basically split up into 2 pretty good bands. Lead singer Justin Hawkins broke off to form Hot Leg, leaving his brother Dan Hawkins to grab another singer named Richie Edwards and form Stone Gods with the remaining members of The Darkness.

You can read up on both bands more specifically here and here.

I am here to review the 2 albums. Let us start with Hot Leg’s Red Light Fever. If you like the Darkness, you will like Hot Leg. This basically continues on from where The Darkness left off. Justin’s uber-falsetto vocals are as Relentless as Judd Nelson here. The opening track “Chickens” could have been on the last Darkness Album. Pretty much every song gives you that combo of Pop sensibility with that hard rock/borderline metal guitar driven jams. One of the more poppy tunes is the silly “Gay in the 80s” . Silly ass lyrics, but oh-so singable! Another loveable single is “I’ve met Jesus”, a song guaranteed to stick in your head, almost to the point of being annoying, but in a good way! One other thing I love about this lp, is the liberal use of guitar solos! Always a good thing! Another good jam is “Trojan Guitar” (yeah….Trojan™). That songs comes complete with silly voices! Basically if there are more than 3 really good songs on any given album, I deem it a “Get off your ass and buy it” lp (yes, I still use the term “LP” even though we download everything). OUR(OKen’s Ultimate Rating) 9/10.

Now on to the Stone God’s album entitled Silver Spoons and Broken Bones. Obviously without the distinct voice of Justin Hawkins, you are going to get something different here, and you do. This album can fool you. At first you might think that this is basically strict, by-the-numbers Heavy Metal, rooted in the 80s classic period, well, not so much the Hair Metal period, although there is some of that. The first cut “Burn the Witch” is a classic metal prototype song. You know…swords…flames…witches…etc. It’s a pretty good jam. A good Pop-Metal song on the lp is “You Brought a Knife to a Gun Fight”. It kind of comes from the AC/DC school of jams. Then there is “Where You Coming From” which could be a hit on any chart. There are some good ballads on here too. “Lazy Bones” is great, as is “Magdalene Street”. The former seems like it is possessed by the spirit of Johnny Rzeznik. The more I listened to this album the more I really, really started to love it. I conclude that you should get this album as well. OUR: 9/10.

See? I can like the new stuff once in a while!!!! Now go out, buy these albums, and bust all wooden furniture!!!

You Think You Know the Byrds? (MUSIC REVIEW BY SCOTT OKEN)

Everyone knows the Byrds. The folksy, mop-toppish, Bob Dylan song covering quintet that roamed the 60s, playing electric 12-string jams with impeccable, multi-layered vocals. You know all the hits. “Mr. Tambourine Man”, “So You Wanna Be a Rock and Roll Star”, “Turn, Turn, Turn” and the like. Back in the day, they were one of the loudest bands as well. Imagine some blaring compressed 12-string Rickenbacker guitar chiming your skull into oblivion!!!!!!!!

What I want to concentrate on is the period after this well known era. They became a completely different band with a complete turnaround in members save band leader Roger McGuinn. You can read up on that here.

My purpose here is to give y’all some reviews of their later albums and to nudge y’all to get up, go to the car/El/bus/rickshaw, and go to your nearest place that sells musical discs (or you could just utilize this “computer” thing, that the kids all like and download stuff)

The album that starts the transition is…

The Notorious Byrd Brothers-This was a total transition album from the well-known electric folk-rock to a more psychedelic sound and some premonitions of the country rock sound they would embrace in albums to come. Notable songs: “Artificial Energy”, “Natural Harmony”, “Draft Morning” also on the special edition “Triad” a song about a three-way…hippies. Smoke a bowl and put this on. You will not be disappointed. OKen’s Ultimate Rating (OUR) 10/10

Sweetheart of the Rodeo-They got Graham Parsons for this one, and he immediately made his presence felt. If you don’t like guitar-driven country mixed with folk and more country, this may not be the lp for you. If that doesn’t bother you, this is just a treat! Roger McGuinn started surrounding himself with stellar musicians here including the fantastic Clarence White, one of THE most underrated guitarists of all time! Notable songs: “You Ain’t Going Nowhere”, “One Hundred Years From Now” and “You Got a Reputation”. This one is an acquired taste, but it grows on you. OUR: 6.5/10

Dr. Byrds & Mr. Hyde- This one always got blasted in the reviews, but in reality, it’s a damn fine album! The country thing is still there, but not on every track, and the break out the rock and roll quite a bit here. Notable songs: “Bad Night at the Whiskey” “Child of the Universe” “Drug Store Truck Drivin’ Man” (a song written about a Southern DJ that treated them like shit in an interview), and ‘King Apathy III”

This album is an undiscovered little gem! OUR: 9/10

The Ballad of Easy Rider-Solid, if unspectacular. Notable songs: “Jesus is Just Alright” (yes that one), and “The Ballad of Easy Rider” OUR: 6/10

Untitled-Half live, half studio. The live half is great! They play a lot of the old classics, but give it some oomph! (I wrote “oomph”). Come to think of it, the studio half kicks it as well. More country rock here, but it works like a friggin’ charm! Notable songs “Lover of the Bayou” (Table flipping psychedelic jam!!) “Mr. Tambourine man”(kick ass version) “Eight Miles High” (for 16 minutes…enjoy acid) and one of my favorites of all time “Chestnut Mare” OUR: 26/10

Byrdmaniax-Kind of a weird one, but shit, we’ve come this far…Notable songs: “Tunnel of Love” “Pale Blue” OUR: 5/10

Farther Along-This was the last one before some guys died and they broke up. This is a really, really good album! They kind of do it all here and it’s quite enjoyable! Notable songs: “Tiffany Queen”, “Farther Along” “Bugler” and “Lazy Waters”. McGuinn lets everyone else sing more on here as well. OUR: 9.5/10


So, in conclusion, I think it’s worth it to delve deeper into this classic band’s catalogue. Go out and get The Notorious Byrd Brothers, and Untitled at least. You will live a better life…

The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien (GUEST REVIEWER ANITA DEELY)

Out of the Mouths of Clowns



The other night, like many of you, I eagerly anticipated the last Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien. There was quite a ramp up for this. Like you, I read about his outrageous $45 million dollar settlement to step way from his dream job. 12 million of that money is for his staff, many of whom uprooted their lives in New York to join him in California. I watched Lettermen skewer NBC with some sharp, biting comedy; heard about Jimmy Kimmel’s (my mother’s favorite) antics, dressing like Jay Leno, fake chin and all, for an entire show; and enjoyed the commentary of Patton Oswald (cribbed somewhat from Bill Hicks, I guess) that Jay Leno didn’t deserve the gig because he was lazy and unoriginal and therefore not funny. Rarely does television offer you something so tantalizing, so rich. I mean, these are real people who are living through a bit of a scandal publically and because a part of their job description demands that they tell jokes about whatever’s in the newspapers, were obliged to tell jokes about their own turmoil. Talk about a house of mirrors. Thank goodness it’s over. Late Night was coming dangerously close to devouring itself whole.



The show was decent for the most part with two really brilliant moments. The monologue contained some good jokes about what to do with the studio and they were witty with “leave the studio cold and empty and rename it “The World's Largest Metaphor For NBC Programming” as hands down the best of the lot. That was not so unexpected or really shocking. Late Night hosts always make fun of the boss and this is no big deal. It’s always a vague kind of: they don’t know what there doing we’re third in the ratings kind of stuff. When they make fun of the network it makes us trust them and we tune in more so it really doesn’t hurt the network. Plus Thursday night is back with Community, Parks and Recreation, 30 Rock and The Office. The montage of Conan’s greatest moments (a call back bit with shots of Conan’s running from New York to California that started his reign) with The Squeeze song in the background was sweet. My favorite bit from this version of The Tonight Show, puppies dressed like cats (which is exactly what it sounds like it is), was featured. Steve Carrell made a surprise visit and did an exit interview with Conan and shredded his ID card. And the shout out to Up In The Air was cool. I’m glad I saw the movie so I could get the joke. Tom Hanks was charming and dependable with his glass of scotch (or cream soda?) and of course said nothing that could be considered controversial, not even a little bit. And hey, Tom Hanks gave Conan the nickname CoCo! What an upstanding guy. Reading Questlove’s tweet announcing that Hanks’s walk on song, Lovely Rita, costs $500 thousand dollars and is on NBC’s restricted song list enhanced my viewing making me feel in the know and high-tech modern. Way to stick it to ‘em Coco. Then Neil Young (Neil. Young.) performed “Long May You Run” on dark stage with a single spotlight. It was very elegant and a lovely image and I liked that the chorus was a little on the nose. It was a farewell show after all.



But the ‘water cooler moments’ didn’t really happen till the end. Conan said that while there was a lot of talk about what he could say about his deal with NBC (his settlement includes an agreement that he will not speak of the thing for 3 months and not do a show of his own till September) he could, in fact, say whatever he pleased. And what did he choose to do? He chose the high-road thanking NBC for the work they had done together (adieu Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and masturbating bear), thanked his fans for their rabid support and then he said this: “To all the people watching, I can never thank you enough for your kindness to me and I'll think about it for the rest of my life. All I ask of you is one thing: please don't be cynical. I hate cynicism -- it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen."And I felt a little better. About everything.



This is not the first time we have had an experience with comedian as shaman. The first time, for me, was seeing Steve Martin’s “Let’s Get Small” bit on SNL when I was a kid. I didn’t know why it was funny, of course, but I knew it was funny somehow. I sort of waited for my brain to develop so I could get that joke. And I think we all remember hearing about Steven Colbert’s speech at the White House Correspondents Association dinner. I bet a few heads rolled after that one. I mean if Laura Bush really did say “Get F*cked” to him, as she allegedly did, then you have to think someone got fired for inviting him. Who was invited the next year? Rich Little. That vanilla sundae of a comedian who couldn’t offend a fly his imitation of it would be so complimentary. There’s Jon Stewart defining one of the many problems with the Bush administration with a Moment of Zen that featured George Bush holding hands with a Sheik from Saudi Arabia. David Letterman’s recent championing of climate change awareness.





The other great moment was the ending with Will Farrell the ZZ top dude and Beck singing Freebird in front of an enormous American flag. Free bird, a song that is used in so many jokes its gone Meta. Yelling Free Bird has morphed into a joke about bad jokes. Freebird sung by Will Ferrell with the beloved cowbell. It was pretty good (what was up with the annoying pregnant girlfriend bit, funnier in the writer’s room, I think) but what made it great was Conan playing the electric guitar as how he spent his final moments hosting The Tonight Show. Not many people get do to that at the job they just lost. Most people have to pack up their desk and carry it home on a crowded train, wake up the next morning and apply for unemployment. Conan was literally going out like a rock star. USA! USA! USA!



By the way, what is so great about The Tonight Show? Don’t get me wrong, I loved Johnny Carson, Doc Severenson and Ed McMahon like every other red-blooded American. I used to get to stay up late to watch it at a very young age. But I’m not sure it should mean as much to America as it does. Let it go America. And while we’re at it let Star Wars go, too. We had to let Michael Jackson go, didn’t we? You can still feel the sting of nostalgia but on your own time, not while I’m trying to watch the tube. The only thing you can feel nostalgic about is The Wire and even then only the first and last episodes. Besides, isn’t the formula of a host who opens with a monologue, has repartee with his band leader, signature comedy bits and talks to stars a mainstay now? I mean you take away the legacy of Johnny Carson, the time slot and that it’s on NBC and it’s just another late night show with a host who opens with a monologue has a repartee with his band leader and…oh wait…I get it now. Sorry. Yeah. I get it.



It was a good night of television, a rarity these days. I should know because I watch way too much of it.



My final words of wisdom from a clown come from Homer Simpson. Hearing these words (or word) was a small awakening for me. Homer is dealing with some crisis or other that I can’t recall right now what. Sometimes, I have a terrible memory for the Simpsons which is good since it allows me to see episodes over and over again and still find them funny. The other day I caught the Monorail episode (by Conan O’Brien, if I’m not mistaken) and I marveled at it. Anyway, Homer is having some big thing happen to him and Lisa says: “You know, Dad, the Chinese have the same word for crisis and opportunity” And Homer says: “Yeah. Crisatunity.”



See you in September, CoCo. If you do get another talk show, it will be your second highly anticipated show of the year. You’ll have relevance, not just a great job. You are fortunate, indeed.

A+, Conan



-Anita Deely, Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Interview with Madame Barker (Interview)

This past weekend I had a chance to sit down with the famed and infamed Madame Barker to discuss the new television season for NBC. We never got to that, instaed I took a trip down memory lane with the Madame, and boy was I in for a surprise...


It's great to finally talk to you.
Mind if I drink?


Do you always wear capes in the winter?
I do. They are delicious and attract the hungry. As you can see, I prefer Black Forest with whipped icing. Oh, I see capes. Yes. I wear a cape year round.


Tell me a little bit about your childhood.

I believe it was 1693, Massachusetts. I was born to Elizabeth Emerson, a Colonial teenaged slut or "rape victim", as she might be called these days. She tried to strangle both myself and my twin sister, but she only got it half right. They hanged dear Mother anyway. But they never found me. I burrowed through the Earth from the shallow grave where she left me and wound up in Wyoming.

Wyoming?
Isn't that what I just said? Yes. Wyoming. There I started my career as a prostitute and a frontierswoman and an alcoholic. I became quite a shooter. I also was good with guns. I was well acquainted with the horse. I also was quite a rider. Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show hired me in their traveling act. I became a trick rider and markswoman and alcoholic.



Is that when you taught Nijinski to dance?
That was a little later, when I was barnstorming out of Pascedena. I really never could teach him to dance very well. He had no focus or discipline, and he was wouldn't wear what I told him to.



What do you do during your down time?

In recent years, I caused Roman Empire to Fall
I knocked down the Berlin Wall
Followed you into the bathroom stall


What kind of person do you usually follow into the bathroom stall?
The kind that's in front of me.



I see.
(Falls down. Gets back up. Eats some cake.)



What projects are on the horizon for you?
I'm going to perform a little number at the Strawdog Phonebook Event on February 1, along with John Fournier and the Barker Dames. On February 5, me and the gang are going to do a pre-Valentine's Show at Strawdog at 11 p.m. Beyond that, I am hoping to make it through the winter mostly.



I really enjoyed your Christmas show.
You could see it from the bar you were at, you fucking liar? Couldn't get a ticket, could you? We were sold out. But I appreciate the flattery, you son of a bitch. You stinking harbinger of falsehood.



You are.
There was one?



Anything you want to say to the public?
I love you. You're my favorite.



Nice to see you again.
I used to work at the Goodman. THE GOODMAN!

Interview with Chuck Dubroski (Comedian)

This is an interview I got to do with one of my comedy heroes…

Back to Paradiiiiiise
an interview with Chuck Dubroski

Famous for his love of cheeseburgers and milkshakes and jokes about his dead parents, Chuck Dubroski rose to ethereal regions in the mid 80's and one of the best selling comedy records (the firestarter, 'Lizards for Sale") which won a grammy. We caught up with Chuck on his state fair "tour" to talk about the future, the past, and what it meant to be in "Paradiiiiiiise".


Which state fair has been your favorite so far?

Hey, honestly, they are ALL a treat...mostly cuz that's where the heart is, that's where the fun is, you know? My real fans, they are ready...after a full day of Tilt-a-Whirls and funnel cakes, where better to go than to a sweet Chuckie DUBRO set! But, the most memorable had to be the Pittsburgh Kansas one where Mudfoot Davis and His All Star Zydeco Band opened for me! Not really opened, he was on at noon and I was on at 6, but let me tell you, Mudfoot kicked up a storm and I almost got into a fight with about 6 townies [ed. - "Comedian Chuck Dubroski got into a scuffle with Jake "Mudfoot" Davis and his dog Sal at the Corn Queen Fair on Saturday after Dubroski kicked the dog into a cotton candy stand. Both men were over the legal BAC and were arrested for public drunkenness." - Pittsburgh Star, 7/23/05], but none could survive the Dubroski Pants Dance, get me??? HAH!

Is it hard to share a tour bus with country legends?

Well, Willie [Simonson] and George Jones [Johnson III] are great guys, always telling stories about the old days, but Hank [Phillips] can be a real jagoff!

Oh yeah?

Oh YEAH! Hey, you remembered another catch phrase! You did your homework! Hank [Phillips] is always hoggin' the bathroom...and hoggin' the LADIES, if you know what I mean? HAH! OH YEAH! That one never took off...

Where did you see yourself now in the mid 80's?

Well...I'm still doing what I love...over and over again for smaller houses, but hey! Who's counting? [ed. - Chuck's "Lizards for Sale" was taped in front of an audience of 25,000 at the Denver Auditorium in 1986. Chuck's last performance at Six Flags over Great America drew a crowd of 127 - 32 of which left when they found out that Dokken would not be headlining as promised.] But, really...my love is making great comedy...I hope to still have a TV sitcom, that's where a guy like me can really shine! I once pitched an idea to Fox set around one of my many characters, Chinese Man, but they said it was a bit "un-PC"...*adopts horrible Chinese patois* can you BERIEVE it???? ASOH! ME SO SOLLY!

Does your ex-wife's ownership over your catchphrase create problems with your new act?

Bonnie, how are you, how's Pedro the Pool Boy???? Kidding! Bonnie and I are on really great terms. The divorce was a bit "hostile" as the scumbags...I mean lawyers, HAH!..say. But, really, she got what she deserved [ed. - Bonnie Dubroski nee Frances lives in a 12 room mansion in Beverly Hills with comedian John Pinette. Her ownership of Dubroski's catch-phrase "I'm in PARADIIIISE!" nets her approximately $730,000 per year.] and it doesn't really affect my act at all! Listen, I'm a talker, I get paid to come up with brilliant insights into the American condition, and it takes more than catchphrases to tap into that, my friend! I'm in HEAAAAVEN!!!!! HAH!

Talk a little about your new act and the way you see it fitting into the quilt of modern American comedy.

Well, still coming out to Halen's "Runnin with the Devil"...that's a staple...a Dubroski classic. I usually warm up with local color bits, and that's where I can really show off the homework. So many young guys, the younger comics they don't take the time to get to know the places they perform. You know, off the bus, do the set, on the bus again. Hey, it's tough, I get it...but you've got to get tough! That's what it's about, these kids can't go the distance. If there's a joke about the local bar, the local BBQ joint, the mayor...you've GOT to hit that stuff. That's what the people want. I perform for them, not me. They are the paying customers. Usually after that I segue into the dead mom and dad jokes, which are screamers and I usually throw in the classics...you know, dead mom gets wet, she's called Cassie, giving dead dad the 'marvin'...but I'll keep em fresh...just to freak out the straights! HAH! But, really, what sets Dubroski apart is the way I can relate and riff with an audience. A lot of the new performers can't handle it...you're gonna get heckled pal! Better get on it!

Any performers in particular?

Dane Cook, this Dave Attell guy, the jerk from the Chipmunks movies [ed. - David Cross, star of Arrested Development and Mr. Show, two shows considered cult classics of this generation of TV comedies.], even Larry the Cable Guy...WHO I LOVE, don't get me wrong! Hey Larry! Gitrdone! But, really, I always give the crowd what they want, and more importantly what they NEED. That's the Dubroski style, and it can't be stopped. A guy starts heckling, does the crowd want you to ignore it? Hell no, they want to see that guy get shut down! We aren't paying for you pal, we've come for the Chuckmeister! And that's the diff, my man...the relationship with me and the Dubroski fans, the Chuckleheads as they call themselves!

When did you decide to replace the cheeseburgers and shakes with ramen and tea?

Well, during the 90s things were a little nuts, I started drinking a LOT and you know how it goes, you get a little older and that kinda lifestyle can catch up. So, one night, I was HAMMERED drunk at a Fair in East Barlow, Texas and I started dipping the burger in the strawberry shake ON STAGE and ate the whole thing. I tell you, passing a burger, shake, and styrofoam cup and straw is a BITCH...like my ex-wife! Kidding! AHAH! So, after a few trips to the doctor and a couple of high colonics, we decided it was best to tone it down. Saves money too! Anything to keep the Dubroski Express running smooth!

Anything really bug you?

Manbags! Really, who thought that up? Why would I want a purse? If a wallet was good enough for Gramps Dubroski, it's good enough for me! Oh, and sitcoms with no laugh track...like I need a pretentious comedy! Gimme some According To Jim and I'm ALL GOOD, YO! The worst is these new performers doing "Alt" comedy...*overenunciates* DOUBLE YOU TEE EFFF? Why would anyone sit through an hour act of someone with terrible diction, bad language, and comments about Roy Schieder's film career? This is funny? Sorry PAL, I ain't buying what you're selling. I mean, gimme some great comics ok! Robin Williams, Louie Anderson...there's a couple new guys that are good...Carlos Mencia! Love him. I mean, I was one of the trendsetters..."I don't come to where you work and knock the dick out of your mouth"...that was ME! I created that. [ed. - The first instance of this particular heckler response was in 1967 at a Lenny Bruce show in the East Village of New York.] All I do is comedy...that's all I think about...constantly trying to come out of the box with new things! MAMMA MIA, here I go again!

Finally, where did "I'm in paradise" come from?

Said it in Aspen at a ski lodge in like 1982...we were all really high on blow and it seemed appropriate. Just kinda stuck...*drawn out sigh while staring into the middle distance*

Have a safe trip.

-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Christmas with the Hoopers ( Holiday Traditions FROM GUEST REVIEWER TRISH HOOPER)

When I think about the holidays, my brain runs around wildly with thoughts of Holiday Breads and Meats and Pickles and Milks!
Holiday traditions have kept my family coming together for generations from all corners of the globes and all over the corners of Ohio.
My grandparents, Lillian and Otto came from across the English Ocean to the great and wild Ohio, searching for religious persecution and a small fruit farm/factory away from the troubles of England and the English in the 1910's, and since then...BOY have the traditions switched from something we do every year to something we all get together to do every year with each other every year!

The Hoopers have always been a proud and strong family.
Hooper, as described by the name book dictionary is:
English: occupational name for someone whom fitted wooden or metal hoops on wooden casks and barrels, from an agent derivative of Middle English hoop ‘hoop’, ‘band’.
Being a Hooper means remembering the family tradition of hoop making.
We (and by "we" I mean my dad, Alden) set up a pole in the middle of the barrel room, and we throw hoops at it until someone makes the barrel hoop around the pole and then they are crowned "King Hooper" for the day and get to decide what we all have for dinner, and what movie or book we read or watch for the night.
Last year, I won on the third Saturday of the month, so naturally I took the whole family to Red Lobster for a Fish Steam and Gremlins at the video store.
BUT, when the BIG day (Christmas Eve) finally comes, we have ourselves a little eggnog drinking, in lieu of the fox hunt that the Hoopers have been known for in generations past. Then, and I know this will sound weird to some of you out there, but my brother Kieth sets up the family kissing booth and to get a kiss, you have to tell Kieth, whom is afraid of EVERYTHING, not to be scared of your mouth and that he has a nice haircut or something else flattering, and then he will give you a kiss.
Two years ago, my dad Alden told him that he was really smart and could build rockets. Boy you should've seen the kiss he got from Kieth!! It was like we were at Lake Havasu with my dad and brother for the holidays!!
Then, we all meet for the pickle hunt around the tree. This is a German tradition, but my Grandma always wanted to be German, so we hide a pickle in the tree and look for it. I never really try to hard at this, because I have plenty of pickles already.
Then we go caroling with neighbors whom I have never met, because our neighborhood is changing and now everyone has lots of kids and takes public transportation everywhere. EVEN TO GO CAROLING!!! I think they don't have a car.
Once we return home, it's time to get in the car and turn around and go right back out to the Veterans Hospital.
If there's one thing we all know from the holidays, it's that helping Veterans is important, especially Veterans from wars that people don't know about.
I spent some time with a 1st Sergeant from the Bay of Pigs War.
He kept wanting to hear "Ave Maria" I really sing it beautifully, but he must've been crazy from the war! LOL!
We don't exchange presents because it's more important to be nice all year long.
I made Kieth a Halloween costume this year, and my dad fixed my oil pan on my car, and my mom is planning a trip to SeaWorld for some of us (more news on that trip later!:))
The it's time for the Hoopers to return to whence from whom they came and back to work in our jobs and place of work, until the next year when we meet and do it all over again!
I hope you all have a great Christmas or whatever Christian holiday you celebrate, and remember the incarnation of the only living God.
A Heavenly Host to ALL!!

Christas with the Hoopers A+
-Trish Hooper, Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

My Office Holiday Party (Office Party)

I should warn you, this review won't be interesting. Because my office Holiday party was lame. I mean, really horrible. See, no one has any money, so here were the 1st 3 clues that this office party was not going to be a Mad Men style drug fueled sex game:

1 - Pot luck dinner. We couldn't even go out for lunch like we did last year. They made us bring our own food. Hey, jerks, I eat my own food at home. At parties, I like wings and taquitos from Harry Caray's or the Tilted Kilt.

2 - No booze. Are you kidding, office? Seriously, how the hell could we have gotten in trouble for this? We had no money for food anyway, and I can't bring in my special Hot Doggery Purple Panty Punch? I'm telling you, this major oversight ruined everything.

3 - Silly ass games. Seriously. A book exchange and a game where we have to guess which co-worker is lying about something.

Let me explain this for the last time: I work with a whole crew of hot women. And I mean HOT...if these girls had stage presence, they would be great porn stars. I am never going to understand why I didn't speak up a few weeks ago about this. Because I should have said:

"Hey, powers that be, let's have a 50's themed office party! Every one can wear fun slinky dresses and skinny ties, we can all smoke, I'll bring punch and a cheese log topped with spam chunks, and we can make a few dozen pitchers of cape cods. Oh, and no blacks."

Instead, I won a used copy of "The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency" and had to go back to my cubicle after the "party." Screw you, Jesus!

-D

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

The Sing Off! (NBC Television Show)

There has been one television show this season that seems to have captured the hearts and minds of all the females I know and also the gays, while not totally alienating the heterosexual men that are forced to watch the tee vee with them, and it is called "Glee"and it is on FOX.
It follows the exploits of a second rate high school glee club. People are having babies, and hating glee clubs and having race issues and drinking underage and cheerleading and taking math tests and balancing work and family life and wheelchairs. But the thing that separates this show from every other stupid drama on television is its intricate and wildly inappropriate dance and song numbers.
They take hugely popular arena rock songs and turn them into almost interesting a cappella tunes.
Well not to be outdone, NBC has gone out and made a reality game show where different acappella groups compete for a "record contract" (like anybody wants a record with no instruments on it) and $100,000 cash in twenties.
They started out with 8 groups, I think.

There are the:
Maxx Factor- a group of retired airline stewardesses that somehow escaped from Branson, and covered everything in sequins.
The Beelzebubs- a group of young men who have never got laid from Boston or somewhere and look like they are in a commercial for GapNerd.
The SoCals- some other kids that have acne and attitudes. They sing songs by Journey and Abba and all look like jerks.
The SweetHammers- This is not their name, but I forgot it. (See SoCals.)
Nota- a bunch of Puerto Ricans that are clearly the best ones, but everyone hides their wallets and children because any time a Puerto Rican is singing, it's just because he is figuring out a way to rape your family of everything you love.
And then there are some other groups too.

Then there are the judges:

Ben Folds- Ben tries to act smart and like he doesn't need the money, but I see right through him.
The Pussycat Dolls Lady- I don't know her name, but she is always nice to everyone and dances around, probably to try to stop thinking about how much her vagina itches from being a whore.
and
Shaun Stockman- A guy who was in Boyz II Men and makes sure to tell everyone anytime anybody asks him, or doesn't ask him.
"You know it's hard to be the bass. We had a bass in my band, Boyz II Men, and it was hard for him."
Shaun, I hate to break it to you, but most of these people weren't even born when the East Coast Family was running the game.
Get a job as a security guard or a butcher like everybody else did.

All of this extravegance is hosted by the multitalented Nick Lachey, it just so happens that hosting a show is not one of his talents.

Well, this show manages to delight my wife and I as we lay in bed and pick on these poor bastards that can't hear what we are saying about them.

It's worth a watch, but don't get any big ideas about starting an acappella group, because these are the best ones there are, and they still blow.

C-
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Tom and Jerry (CARTOON REVIEW FROM MIKE BEYER)

My two children have recently discovered Tom & Jerry with a near-maniacal vengeance. And by maniacal, I mean THIS SHOW IS ALWAYS ON. I come down in the morning for breakfast, and it's on. I come home from a long day at work, and it's on. Weekends, lunchtime, dusk --- these children are into this show.

This obsession with cat-and-mouse games is different from other cartoon fixations. There was Scooby-Doo, which was intense but mercifully brief ("The bad guys here ALWAYS get caught," sniffed my 4-year-old daughter in dismissal). There was also Space Ghost, which led to a whole bunch of bad Gary Owens impersonations around the house but also died away after a short while. Care Bears continues to rear its nasty head now and again, but its hold on children is undeniable. The kids absolutely stop dead what they're doing to watch.

"I really like Care Bears, Dad, but PLEASE don't tell anyone that I do," pleaded my 7-year-old son. No worries, Declan! Your secret is safe with me.

Christmas is a mixed bag. The Rankin/Bass cartoons retain their power, and Keenan Wynn in particular is off the hook as the Winter Warlock in "Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town". I get creeped out everytime a drunken-sounding Mickey Rooney invites some small child from Sombertown to come sit on his lap, though. BUT -- I really dig the groovy psychedelia of Mrs. Claus' solo song when she unties the bun in her hair and discovers her sexuality in "My Love Is Beginning Today". You're darn right your love is beginning today! I love them redheads.

Unfortunately, there's also the "Home Alone" series, which have captivated my children to the point where I recently received a formal pitch from Declan to put the first "Home Alone" on stage, starring himself as Kevin and me in the Daniel Stern role. Read into that what you will.

But I digress. Even in these holiday times, when I try to shove "Olive The Other Reindeer" and "Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas" down these poor children's throats, it is "Tom And Jerry" that they return to. As a result, I have watched more "Tom & Jerry" than I ever did as a child. So....I have formed some definite thoughts on this long-beloved cartoon.

From what I can suss out from Comcast's helpful On Demand synopses, the first Tom & Jerry cartoons made their debut around the early 1940s. They were produced and directed by two young and hungry Italians named Willie Hanna and Joey Barbera. These first pieces establish the timeless themes of chase, deception, and the giant lump growing out of an injured animal's head after receiving a direct blow from a baseball bat, golf club, or claw hammer.

The basic plot of these early pieces revolve around the feet and yellow dress of Aunt Jemima, who rules her household with an iron fist while her massa is gone from the house. She scolds her perpetually lazy cat (Tom) for not chasing the only mouse in the house (Jerry) while eating the unseen Massa out of house and home. Her voice, which used to scream "Thomas!" with mammy-like gusto, has now sadly been overdubbed in 2009. As a result, Tom's fear of being discovered by Hattie McDaniel has sadly diminished to being discovered by Michelle Obama. And believe you me, Hattie could kick the everlovin' SHIT out of our current First Lady.

By the 1950s, Willie "The Weasel" Hanna and Joey "The Shark" Barbera had grown bored with racism and zoot suits, and discovered the concept of the "cute sidekick". This concept, which would manifest itself twenty years later in the form of Zan & Jana and Scrappy-Doo, was first born in Tom & Jerry. These early cute sidekicks took the form of a French-speaking mouse clad in a cloth diaper, or a Donald Duck sound-alike bird, or a mute fish with super air-breathing gills and the ability to wield a weapon with its powerful fish tail. But the themes of these later cartoons veered too much toward the maudlin, and lacked the Mafia-style violence of the 40s.

By the late 50s, it was clear that Hanna & Barbera were moving operations from animals and their dangerous games to the wacky adventures of nuclear families in both the Stone Age (The Flintstones) and the Space Age (The Jetsons). So they turned the reins over to a demented, crazy man named Charles Jones, who was better known as "Chuck" in the opium dens and brothels of LA. Jones removed any pretense of friendship from Tom & Jerry's relationship. These two now became mortal fucking enemies, and the stakes and methods of killing and torture rose exponentially. "Tom & Jerry is scary now," whimpers my daughter Jessie whenever a Chuck Jones version comes on the tube. Get tough, girl! Cats don't LIKE mice!

The 70s saw Tom & Jerry become FRIENDS, and fight enemies like Martians, dogs and gangsters. Stupid, and unworthy of your time. The 80s and 90s Tom & Jerry cartoons have not been shown yet on Comcast On Demand. They must really be lousy (if they even exist).

Now a brand new Tom & Jerry is on the WB Network, and they are back to being enemies. This is a welcome development, but they need to get back to the basics of the house and the backyard as a setting. NO ONE is going to buy Tom & Jerry chasing each other inside a rocket ship, or a king's carriage, or a landfill. Sure, there are all kinds of cool weapons, but the human element is missing. That's what the Italian maestros Hanna & Barbera understood.

So overall, Tom & Jerry is a seminal piece of work that has given us some of the best (and worst) of wholesome cartooing for youngsters.



My kids would give this entire series an A+. I'm a little tougher, so I'm going with a B+.

-Mike Beyer, Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

Drug Fueled Sex Games (activity leading to murder)

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1997 (year in history)

Now, this is not an encyclopedia service, but every once in a while a year or another piece of history will stand out and speak to me or Eric in a way you can't describe with words. It's like an angel has come down from the rafters of Heaven and touched my shoulder and made me walk into the other room and opened a book and in that very book is a page that says the word "1997" and then I know that's what I need to review for you.
To write about an entire year is very difficult for a reviewer. Do I hit the big historical implications of that year, or do I spend time with how that year helped to mold me and the effects on the rest of my famed, storied years?
Well, let's start with the big stuff.
MCMXCVII is a thing that happened almost 20 years ago.
There was an inauguration of Bill Clinton. Many died in an Israeli helicopter crash. The Dow closed over 7k for the first time ever.Notorious B.I.G. was brutally murdered in a fried chicken house. Billy Crystal hosted the Oscars. Weirdos thought they would be picked up by a comet and killed themselves, making it next to impossible to board a comet.
But what REALLY happened that year?
I filled out many college applications, that's for sure. I physically loved high school girls for the last time, so far. I smoked as much weed as I could find. My favorite drink was Dr. Pepper.
Internets poured out of every computer, soft and smooth. Everyone bought shares in Krispy Kreme Doughnuts and drove Corvettes.
No one had heard of Judge Mathis yet. Boy were they in for a SHOCK!!!!
We were an innocent nation, in an ugly world. We hadn't yet begun to fight in misplaced wars, or blindly drive up the stock market. OJ was innocent, and so were we. Our hands were clean from the blood of our naysayers and dancing to the smokey beats of a new millennium around the corner.
Well, I hope you guys are happy because those days don't exsist anymore.
Because of YOU, we dance in darkness. Because of YOU, Tiger Woods is hurting. Because of YOU, Julius Chan has resigned as Prime Minister of Papua New Guinea, ending the Sandline Affair.
Here is a poem from that, the year when we lost our hymen of innocence:
" I wanted so badly to tell you that I loved you. The words, each time, graced my lips like an impostor, only to fall away like some great blizzard that was taken out to sea to rain it's fury on the dark ocean, alone, unbeknwowsnt to any hearing... And whether that day is tomorrow, or next week, or next year, or next lifetime...I will finally get to tell you to your sweet face. The face I will miss more than I could ever tell, that...I love You. And you'll smile wryly, close your eyes, say 'catch me baby,'...and fall. "

So let that be the beacon that glides you down the wicked hearth you have created, America.
This world was supposed to be fun and wild, and you have made it deep and autistic.
1997, you are still in my teary eyes, if I look into that yearbook and wish like I had once wished before for another Dr. Pepper.

1997
A-

-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

All The Fame of Lofty Deeds - The House Theatre (play)

Perhaps you've heard of the House theatre. They are the ones who write comic book plays that everyone takes VERY SERIOUSLY, even though they are about fairies and space monsters but have emotions and great sets. They also seem to have a bunch of women who never write the plays, but get to dance and do administrative work.

The above mentioned play is a departure from their standard fare, yet still in the House oveure (canon). Written by a rock journalist named Mark Guarino and based on the music of Jon Langford (a British drunk who plays American alt-country...which is fair play because the Brits can't really sing about anything without ripping us off (see Led Zepplin)), this is a story about the last living cowboy, Lofty Deeds (played by a thin and energetic Nathan Allen). The set is of course a rip-roaring hoot and the idea of a band onstage is always a winner. The music is pretty fun, and great to snap along to and tap your feet with.

The story is basically a philisophical treatise on what it's like to be famous and cry about how everyone ruins your art and gives you money. This I found awesome, in the same way I found Walk The Line, Ray, and Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story pretty awesome. It's like the writer watched those movies too!

The cast is ebullient, and my friend and cohort Anderson Lawfer is once again a toothsome wonder as the Host. Anderson makes the most out of laugh-lines and talking in an easy-going manner to the audience who hangs on his every word. I'm glad people like him, because he's so nice.

Also, Corri Feuerstein plays the Tumbleweed and has lots of things to say! She also sings, and look-out because she's great and will blow your doors off! The piece really showcases her talents, which is good since she has so many of them. She's also really good at Excel spreadsheets, The House! Hint hint!

All in all, this is a really good concert with some long onstage banter in-between songs. This banter is long, guys. But, the cast and band do some fabulous work and I really think this review should help out these young upstarts, The House. They've got interesting things to say and I think their next show should be about a dragon who misses his mom! That would be worth it.

B.

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

1985 -Factory Theater (Play)

Since Eric Roach and I have started our little reviewing blog, we have become staples in the Chicago theatre and restaurant communities and heroes on the discussion panel circuit. Benefits include not paying for meals, getting backrubs from lead actors and handshakes with the greatest other minds of our time.
So when I was asked to pay $5 to attend Eric Roach's new opus, he received his first strike.
"Strike one!" I exclaimed.
"Just shut up already" Eric protested.
"Whatever" I retorted, in vain.

Now an important part of my reviews are the overall audience experience, since how else can you separate one stupid gay play from the other?
This experience was nothing short of oppulent.
When I arrived, I was greeted by a "hello" from a nice, fair chested, young woman. Then, when asked for my billing information, I refused, sending her into a great deal of apologies, the likes of which I haven't seen before from someone with breasts of that caliber.
I forgave her, much to my wife's dismay.
Upon entering the theatre, turned football mosque (an incredible shrine to football and some guys face by Angelina Martinez) I grabbed my seat in the front pew.
I was ready to believe in something bigger than me. Something that unites us all over the civilized world. A game of peace and credibility immortalized by role models for our children and friends for our men. A game of SUCCESS that touches the very heart of America with it's glove covered fingers and AX body-sprayed biceps.
Now I was just about to finish saying this out loud when the same breasted lady from before asked me to keep my voice down as the play was about to begin.
Strike 2.
1985, written by Chas Vrba, achieves a lot before intermission. As any real American has, I read the great british novel 1984 in high school.
So the material was fresh in my mind as we began our journey together.
The play begins with our hero Winston (a charmed Chas Vrba) doubting his loyalty to Big Brother. In this case though, and it being 1985 Chicago, the bears have taken hold of the city and are watching our every move. The gang of friends he has collected to live in this hellish prison are wonderful and care about him very much.
There is Rachel (played with fresh verocity by Stacy Barra) that loves her hair and bears and cares about Winston but is married to the controlling Ross (a drug fueled performance by Manny Tammayo). Phoebe (an angsty Christy Arrington that seemed stuck in time, much to my delight!) a youngish lady with a penchant for cursing and beer guzzling. Chandler (a mighty Scott Oken who rides the show up and down like an oil covered horse that does not want him to be on top of it) a policeman with the right attitude, Joey ( a tight lipped Tim Amos, just right for this mix of despair and nutty perfunctory glee) as a Nascar loving member who is eventually sent to fix his sports favorites in "Room 101". Gunther ( Mike Ooi in his finest performance to date) as a homosexual guzzling Beef Store Magnate.
WEith his friends, Winston carries along, finishing his responsibilities and loving his glorious Chicago Bears until a young lady arrives named Monica (Laura MacKenzie in the sexiest of all womens roles), a Howard Jones loving sparkplug with all the right moves to make Winston rethink his loyalties.
Now, as far as drama goes, you'd be hard pressed to find another piece with this kind of momentum just from the yelling alone.
Not to mention the comedy chops you couldn't find anywhere else in town.
Well, it all leads up to the moment of decision, when the lights come up, and they tell you it's only half over.
Not to worry, I have brought cigarettes and many conversation starters.
Well, after not bringing a lighter and no one to talk to, I returned to my seat, and sat back, clinging to my money (it's very dark in there) ready to enjoy the second act of this epic play.
And I did.
I enjoyed the hell out of it.
Now there's not much I can tell you without giving away the ending, but Ernie Deak was wonderful as a television screen, there is snow and everybody dies at the end.
Eric Roach, my good friend, has outdone himself this time, and should take a break, because raising the bar again so fast could literally shut down the theater scene in Chicago.
BEAR DOWN AND SEE THIS MONSTER OF THE MIDWAY!!


A+

-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

World's Shortest Poem (GUEST REVIEWER ANITA DEELY)

If you type in ‘world’s shortest peom’ into Google it will automatically ask you: did you mean ‘world’s shortest poem’? Well, then you click on that what do you find?

Fleas

Adam had’em.

Anon

This poem is problematic. It continues to promote the Judeo-Christian mythos that Adam was the first person. If you follow that logic, then pretty soon you have Eve being created from Adam’s rib, and then perhaps getting fleas (you will recall that Adam had them). I find this patriarchal nonsense pretty hard to swallow. It’s 2009. We’re almost through with the aughts and this is still the most popular short poem out there? Should I get the hangers out boys? Or, maybe you’d like to commit me for being hyster-ical? Oh, is that a tent out there for my ‘lady’s days’. No. I say NO NO NO NO. Sisters! We must raise up against this oppressor, this flea-ridden first man. WE NEED A NEW SHORT POEM. (And don’t you dare mention Ogden Nash’s “Parsley’s gharsley”…gharsley is not even a word, son.)

C+

-Anita Deely

Funeral Blues (unedited poem)

Stop all the COCKS, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy BONE,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners COME.

Let aeroplanes circle MOANING overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the PUBIC doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday BREAST,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my DONG;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

Fart in my face.
Fart in my face.
For the human race.
Put me in my fart face place.

-W.H. Auden

This guy was a real sick twist. I'm actually glad he had some editors, because this would have caused some serious problems at my school. I mean, what the hell are you talking about, W.H.? And what kind of name is that? Stands for Wackoff Hands. Old Wackoff Hands Auden with another dirty poem about his little fart fetish. Why do we let this guy have a typewriter? Still, I see what he's going for.

B.

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

Poems in Their Original State (uncensored poems)

America has a troubled history with allowing the poets, singers and dancers express themselves in the way they choose. We take their material, cut it up, paste it on a wall, dance around it, then spit on it like it was nothing to us but a filthy whore or sister that isn't alive anymore because she knew what she did.

Well, Eric and Andy can't rest while this is happening any longer!
We have dug through the poem vault to bring you the finest material you never knew exsisted.
Poems you have grown up loving, or are new to your children. Poems that touched you, or your children, or your gandparents.
To begin, here is a piece from the much beloved Shel Silverstien told in it's meant-to-be way:

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and vagina.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
Tits Tits Tits and Farts for Lunch!
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

A+
Told in it's orginal way, this poem has gone from amusing, to a mirror on society.

Dirty Limerick (funny poetry)

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who's cock was so long he could suck it.
As he said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a cunt, I'd fuck it!" - Anon.

I think we've ALL been in this crazy situation before. The "man from Nantucket" is saddled with both a blessing and a curse...he's the Everyman in this piece, and the price of his pleasure is pain. Perhaps because he is average in every other way, or perhaps because he hails from Nantucket (an island with a notoriously checkered past) women don't need him. And though you may think he's got it made, think one more time: he can only love himself. A life of narcissism and self-fellatio would be wonderful for a few days (perhaps a few months if you went to Amsterdam), like the Black Eyed Peas posit in their classic tune "Where is the love?"...just where is the love?

This poem speaks to us all, and also makes us laugh because of funny rhyming schemes.

A-.

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

VACATION WEEK! (Week of Travel Information)

Hello readers!
Well this is your big oppurtunity to have your words actually published in a real life blog! Not everybody can say that! Most people can, but not everyone. My mom has a hard time working computers, so not her, and I know at least 4 people who get restless leg syndrome, so not them either unless they are "blogging" about that condition.

If you could take a vacation anyplace in the world, where would it be?

Just write us an article about the place and send it to my assisstant, Trish Hooper at trishhooper4@gmail.com

Again, any story, review of a hotel, a favorite drink, a place to buy Mexican children, whatevs!

Have a great day, and let's vacay!

Eric and Andy's Musical Chairs!

Do you love Eric AND Andy?
Well come on out this Friday to 3829 N. Broadway Ave in Chicago Illinois to see your heroes put down their collective pimp hand on a new game show that is sure to delight your senses and make you feel happy that you were there and not sad at all about yourself!
Wouldn't that be nice for a change?
The show is at 11pm and admission is $10 if you are not wearing a costume, or $5 if you are wearing a costume!
It's a great chance for you to win fabulous prizes that you can then give to other people that you know during the holiday season!
http://www.chicagostagereview.com/?p=7465

Celebration of 40 Followers! (review party)

Dearest readers,
Congratulations for getting in on the ground floor of this sure-to-not-miss venture called "Reviews You Can Iews!"
As a dessert for you all, we will be reviewing your suggestions for the week!
Simply add a comment to this post suggesting a thing, play, film, or person you would like reviewed, and our team will move quickly and with vigor towards a review just for you and everyone else.
Also, please suggest our page to your friends! When we hit 60 followers, you will all receive a free thing to make your day better!
Thanks again!

A+
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach, the whole Iews Team

Fat People Who Call Themselves "Mama" (American Citizens)

Let me preface this by saying that I love my mother. She means the world to me. So do my fat gay friends and black ladies.
Now that being said, Andy has an immediate dislike for referring to himself in the third person, but even then, he doesn't nickname himself "Mama".
Can you imagine the backlash from girlfriends and family members?

Mama needs to take a piss.
Mama loves cookies.
Mama has ashy elbows.

I don't feel like I really need to argue this much, but on a recent bus ride, I sat with 2 large men we can assume were homosexual and another African American woman on the phone and all of them were referring to themselves as Mama, and it's safe to assume that none of them were speaking to their children.
"Mama's out of cigarettes."
"Oh, girl, Mama just quit smoking, don't talk about that."
"I know, girl, but Mama had some dranks and needs a butt."

Ew.

Anyway, stop it please.
D-
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Twitter (social media)

Twitter is for hooligans and douchebags with nothing better to do than tell us why they are important. Sort of like blogs or Us magazine. F.

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

Tresure Island (Lifeline Theatre Play)

Robert Louis Stevenson's classic tale of the human condition has withstood the test of time and gets a rousing, albeit not as good as I could've done production at Lifeline Theatre.
Rob Kauzlaric, as usual adapts this play to focus mainly on the torrid affair between Captain Smollett and Squire Trelawney (both parts played with grace and pride and dignity by newcomers Rob MacLean and the emotionally exhaustive John Ferrick).
Their story is one of love, treachery, deceit, and treasure, only to be found on an island called Treasure Island, which makes me reexamine how I name things.
For example: I'm gonna get out my Money Wallet and buy something for my Sex Bed.

The real stars of the show is the beautiful lighting and set design, built with purpose by Alan Donahue and Kevin D. Gawley, respectfully. There are ropes and lights and a fog show that is the best fog show I have seen since the Chicago Premier of "How to Succeed in Show Business Without Really Trying" starring the incredible John Lithgow in a performance yet to be rivaled by anyone ever at Lifeline Theatre, or Timeline Theatre as it seems.
Sean Sititski is absolutely rosey as the tough-but-fair Long John Silver and Ezekiel Sulkes brings new meaning to the name High Lord Commander with his maybe-Jewish maybe-black beauty, not to mention the talents brought to 3 dimensional life by a nostalgic Chris Hainsworth as the dastardly Mr. Smee.
When times get tough in old Ireland or wherever, the rich Squire decides to make a map and hire a crew to go out searching for Treasure somewhere off the coast of Malaysia, which at that time was called "Siamese". Trouble ensues when he is thrown of the boat with the Doctor (a luxurious portrayal of modern medicine by Patrick Blashill) and his intolerable lover Captain Smollett by a mutinous and dangerous Silver and his young assistant, Jim Hawkins (who has the boringest name in this play). Once on Treasure Island, they meet Ben Gunn (that same Jewish black guy from before) who has gone crazy and loves cheese.
In fact, Ben Gunn loves cheese so much, I had to leave in the middle to go get some CHEESE because it was all I could think of.
I highly recommend this play, but when you go, be sure to bring a block of cheddar, or a nice Camembert because, as nice as they are at the front of house, they will not sell you cheese.
All in all, an uproarious triumph of skill and pirate stuff!!


A+
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Personification (Language Tool)

Personification: A figure of speech in which an inanimate object or abstraction is given human qualities or abilities.



This little bastard is a favorite tool of mine, when I need to show everybody how smart I am.
For example, sometimes I turn on Carol the computer and get on Steve Internet to see what Frank Facebook has to say to me about Anita Deely or Eric Roach. They usually don't have too much to say in the Harold Morning, because they've just got in to Rodney Work.
But by the time Jeremy Lunch comes around, they are all talk!
Oh we will sit and chat and chat about all kinds of things.
Brad Baseball
Susan Dinner Last Night
Carl Which One of Our Friends are Sleeping Together

and even

Jennifer What Are We Doing With Our Lives

Well, that's usually a fun time until it's time to go Fred Home for the Nathan Night.
I like to watch Terry Television play me the hits while I kiss my Jew Girlfriend and complain about my Darnell Mom.

Anyway, this is just a basic Barry Example of personification in it's purest version, something I sure we can all use Tanya More of.


Phil Personification Article-
A-


-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Larry Flynt's Hustler Club (gentlemen's club)

I am a discerning person when it comes to seeing naked ladies. I only want the best for me and my family, so when my brother decided to have his bachelor party at the Hustler Club in Washington Park, IL I had to jump at the chance like a wildebeest (i.e. a wild beast).

Larry is a really classy guy and I figured I was in for a sexy time to rival no other, and I wouldn't feel like a whore. I would feel other whores, grinding on my areas for money. Larry's place is big and separated into 3 areas: the porn shop, which is huge and well lit and clean and well-staffed and made me feel awkward and then aroused and then confused because what the hell do you stuff this thing into and then funny because it's for asshole stuffing, dum dum! The second area is the peep shows, which of course are the little booths that show hardcore porn if you stuff money into a slot (slot). I checked one out and no sooner did I sit down a sad man in jean shorts and a Cardinals shirt opened the door and rubbed on my leg with a sad look on his face. See, folks, if he would have had a smile on his face I might have let him "bong-bong" my "woo-woo" but he didn't, and no way am I getting a handjob from a really depressed guy. Been down that road before. I politely refused, and not 2 minutes later I heard a gunshot. This must have been a coincidence.

And, lastly and mostly, the club itself. Kind of dark, filled with guys (some couples...they are couple friendly), and with many private cubby holes for the special dancing (forbidden dancing) it is a literal showplace of vagina. There was a middle bar, and three pole stages where the girls would expose it for a bit o' the green (American cash...do NOT use coins, they get mad). But, all of the girls were very nice...they each asked me if I wanted a dance. They were insistent! But, I was mad because they were all white. Where are the lovely ladies that both The Beach Boys and Diamond Dave sang about?? I mean, every culture should be exploited for money, Larry. Every single one. I want a Sri Lankan whore AND a Thai lady-boy double teaming in front of me with a bar of soap. This shouldn't be a lot to ask. But, Larry is crippled, so maybe he can't find those ladies as easily as a Dominican guy could.

This place gets an A for Ass but a C for lack of Culture shockingness. Sorry, Hustler fans.

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

Final Destination 3D (Movie Experience)

You are waiting for the bus. All of the sudden, a bike rider zooms past on the sidewalk, knocking an elderly woman off her balance and into the street right when a bus is coming! You jump off the curb throwing yourself in front of the old woman, protecting her from the bus even though it wouldn't do any good and it would just kill 2 people instead of 1, but all of the sudden...the bus stops!! It was because you are at a bus stop.
But just then, the bus driver sticks his head out of the window to yell at you for being a stupid hippie and trying to save someone who was probably going to die soon anyway, when a sword truck speeds past and chops his head off. And his head goes into the sewer.
Now earlier in the day, (you didn't see this part) the bus driver found a lot of asbestos in his house and also ate a tapeworm that was pregnant with baby monster tapeworms. So when his head fell off and rolled into the sewer, the blood in his head pollutes the city's drinking water and giving monster tapeworm babies to everybody. Your girlfriend or husband drinks it and gets really sick, and you go out to get him some medicine and tell the local news to tell everyone to stop drinking water or they will all die, so they should only drink the water from your family's well, when a gangbanger walks up and shoots you.
But you don't die! You end up walking, shot, to the local news station where the doors are locked! Just then, that same bus from earlier runs into the news station, and a huge satellite falls off the top and kills you.

That's the opening scene to "Final Destination 3D" in my head. I've seen the other ones, and they are getting more and more real. Now, I didn't see this one, per se, but I've got a very good idea of what happens. Now, the first one was ridiculous. There was an accident on an airplane, and the airplane crashed. YEAH RIGHT!!
Stupid.
Luckily, they've got their act together and finally started making believable horrific accidents, and you get to wear awesome glasses when you watch it, but you have to give them back at the end. Now, every accident that happens, something falls on someone, which I really believe can happen and why I never stack things, or go to places with stuff that is taller then me.
I am going to give this movie an A+ for truthfulness, but a C because it is TOO real and my girlfriend won't let me see it by myself. Luckily my wife will.

While you read that last joke, your boss comes into your office and sees that you aren't working, and gets really mad and throws his new glass of lemonade all over you, but he misses and hits the computer! That short circuits the computer, starting a fire, which makes everyone have to exit the office. Well, it sucks that your office is in the Appalachian Mountains, because they have rattlesnakes there. Big ones. And one thing I know for sure about rattlesnakes is that they can NOT resist the smell of hot lemonade. So they all start coming to the office, without any disguises on, and start eating your coworkers!! Now you have to take all the molasses and sugar and throw it at the snakes to get them off, because you work at a molasses factory/office when you are carrying the last barrel of molasses down the steep staircase and fall and the barrel lands on you and pins you down, and now you are covered in snakes.

C

-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach