Interview with Madame Barker (Interview)

This past weekend I had a chance to sit down with the famed and infamed Madame Barker to discuss the new television season for NBC. We never got to that, instaed I took a trip down memory lane with the Madame, and boy was I in for a surprise...


It's great to finally talk to you.
Mind if I drink?


Do you always wear capes in the winter?
I do. They are delicious and attract the hungry. As you can see, I prefer Black Forest with whipped icing. Oh, I see capes. Yes. I wear a cape year round.


Tell me a little bit about your childhood.

I believe it was 1693, Massachusetts. I was born to Elizabeth Emerson, a Colonial teenaged slut or "rape victim", as she might be called these days. She tried to strangle both myself and my twin sister, but she only got it half right. They hanged dear Mother anyway. But they never found me. I burrowed through the Earth from the shallow grave where she left me and wound up in Wyoming.

Wyoming?
Isn't that what I just said? Yes. Wyoming. There I started my career as a prostitute and a frontierswoman and an alcoholic. I became quite a shooter. I also was good with guns. I was well acquainted with the horse. I also was quite a rider. Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show hired me in their traveling act. I became a trick rider and markswoman and alcoholic.



Is that when you taught Nijinski to dance?
That was a little later, when I was barnstorming out of Pascedena. I really never could teach him to dance very well. He had no focus or discipline, and he was wouldn't wear what I told him to.



What do you do during your down time?

In recent years, I caused Roman Empire to Fall
I knocked down the Berlin Wall
Followed you into the bathroom stall


What kind of person do you usually follow into the bathroom stall?
The kind that's in front of me.



I see.
(Falls down. Gets back up. Eats some cake.)



What projects are on the horizon for you?
I'm going to perform a little number at the Strawdog Phonebook Event on February 1, along with John Fournier and the Barker Dames. On February 5, me and the gang are going to do a pre-Valentine's Show at Strawdog at 11 p.m. Beyond that, I am hoping to make it through the winter mostly.



I really enjoyed your Christmas show.
You could see it from the bar you were at, you fucking liar? Couldn't get a ticket, could you? We were sold out. But I appreciate the flattery, you son of a bitch. You stinking harbinger of falsehood.



You are.
There was one?



Anything you want to say to the public?
I love you. You're my favorite.



Nice to see you again.
I used to work at the Goodman. THE GOODMAN!