Monday, October 31, 2011

My Halloween Bathroom Experience

On the weekend before Halloween, people let themselves act like lunatics. You can see your local bank manager dressed as Princess Leia, or your own mother dressed as a sexy Astronaut.
It is also an excuse to treat your body like a Lake Havasu gang bang and do things you have never dreamed you would normally do to people you wouldn't normally let near you.

After doing a show at the Mercury Theater this past Friday, the rest of the cast and I went for a few drinkies and some laughs next door at the great Cullen's Bar and Grill.

Let me preface this story by telling you that it is entirely true and the reason I am telling you about this is because I am looking for a little closure and maybe you have a theory you could share with us.

Cullen's is a good place to get weird because of the 2 bar areas and cover bands that jam away at popular songs of the day. There are little corners to have private time with the first available slutty football player you see and the bathrooms are a long hallway's walk away from the public and a perfect place to make life-changing mistakes.

As I walked to the bathroom to pee, I passes a group of men dressed as a Bachelorette Party leaving the bathroom screaming and cheering their friend dressed as a giant penis.

What is happening? Am I in a dream?

I entered a peaceful bathroom, and quickly picked the second urinal to the left. I do not want any trouble in here. I want to return to my table and friends as hastily as possible. Crocodile Dundee next to me was quietly muttering to himself.

Then the door opened and a beautiful Queen Elizabeth entered the bathroom. He was quietly retouching his makeup in the mirror.

Just then, Crocodile Dundee swings around and says to Her Majesty: "You're in too deep, man!"

The Queen replies, "I am so sorry, Dan."

What the Hell are they talking about? My brain starts building their story, perhaps a jilted lover? A club membership gone wrong?

The bathroom stall door swings open and there stands a sweaty and radiant Fighter Pilot and some sort of heavy breathing Goblin Thing. They look at the Queen and Maverick says, "We have been WAITING for you!"

Her Highness walks to the stall and dips his head in, looking towards the toilet.
"I can't do that. I am sorry, but I just can't."

Then I left. I couldn't bare to see what was going to happen next. But now, I regret not waiting to find out!

What were these men talking about? Did I wander into a love square gone wrong? Were they witches on the make? Was Crocodile Dundee trying to pimp out the Queen to a Goblin and an Air Force man?

All we can do is hope that everyone is safe and that whatever happened, my dreams will return to normal.

Now is your chance to make some theories. What do YOU think was going on? HELP US!


  1. Method actors preparing for a Requiem For a Dream sequel.

  2. Cia agents...every last one of them.