An Open Letter to Sir Chris Jones, of Berkelyfordshire-on-Thames
Dear Sir Or Madame,
After reading your article yesterday on the summer seasons of Chicago Theaters, we were taken aback! For reasons known throughout our fair city, you are seen as a leading figurehead and proponent of Storefront Theatre and in many cases, help set the future for our organizations.
As we all are aware, you are the number one theatrical critic in town, with the boys and girls at the stalwart Time Out Chicago following a distant second. Basically, what you say goes. Like when you said The House was the next big thing and we all said “Yes, of course they are.” And now look at them!
For you to say to the people of our city that there is no good work happening in town during the summer months leaves us all feeling a little confused and lonely. Like a battered child. We are begging for your love and support, and then you talk about how Rock Of Ages is the only thing happening in town and then you call us ugly and leave for a pack of cigarettes in New York and we think you might not ever come back. And then, we would just be left alone with our drunken mother, Hedy Weiss.
We’ve worked so HARD, daddy. Look at just this small example of our clamoring for your approval: Last night, we attended a show at Steep Theatre, a company that you wrote glowing things about in the very recent past. This show was gorgeously designed, beautifully acted, and brilliantly written! And the people there in the audience loved it! But, who cares, when you go and completely ignore the fact that directing hero Jon Berry is taking the reins of their next production MOMENT which has its U.S. premiere on JULY 12th. Isn’t that the summertime, daddy? Isn’t that the summertime?
Not only Steep, but there are dozens of other shows opening during the summer also. Look, the point is, when you write your articles to the masses, and you have the biggest following of any voice in our community, please be our voice! If tourists are coming to town during the summer and are looking for plays, please don’t tell them that they are out of luck. Rather use it as an opportunity to tout the companies that need the touting. If we cannot rely on you for help, then we are all going to fail.
You have what we all want, Sir, and that is glorious, glorious ACCESS. You have an ongoing column and blog on one of the biggest media platforms in the United States. And you just used it to tell everyone that Chicago storefront theatre has been the victim of a 40 megaton blast north of Division Street and it’s just gone. We all died, or are scrambling for leftover cans of hash in the smoky ruins of a Jewel-Osco, fighting off the Griffin Theater Ensemble, who have all mutated into psychic vampires.
Did you know that The Right Brain Project has a show opening with 29 people in it? Saints preserve us, Christopher. If you do not help us, how can we compete against that? They have everyone in their show! If you do not help us bring new visitors into our homes, then the cast of that show will come to your office and eat your British flesh from your body, and there will be a new leading voice in town. His name will be Tom Williams, because he loves us and he carries a gun everywhere he goes.
Speaking of guns, did you have one to your head when you wrote that article? Was it being held by Broadway In Chicago? I bet you pissed in your pants.
They definitely had a gun, because there is no other reason you would forget about us. We might not “know as much” as the actors in Rock Of Ages, and maybe we don’t have the “street cred” that Phylicia Rashad does, but we try so hard for you. Please, man. Please.
We are here for you, so please be here for us,
Eric and Andy
PS - Will you please write a review of Friday Night Smackdown for our blog? We feel like you would have a nice take on today’s wrestling. Plus, The Rock HAS COME BACK! Come on!