Thursday, June 28, 2012

Open Letter to Chicago Muse

Dear Dead Chicago Muse Theatre,

Let us be the first to say that we had never heard of you. So your untimely death meant absolutely nothing.

We’re pretty sure you were at the Theater Building, serving overpriced Miller Lites to people who thought they were seeing good shows.

Now, from what we understand, you had half a million dollars left in assets that you, in turn, gave to the RICHEST THEATER IN CHICAGO, upon your dissolution.

You gave 500k to Chicago Shakespeare Theatre. To do musicals. Original musicals. Do you know what that means? You paid Barbara Gaines salary for 2 years.

Now, please don’t get us wrong. We love Chicago Shakes. They pay actors better than anywhere else, and they employ more actors than anywhere else. That is a community based company that we can all be proud of, regardless what we think of the work.

HOWEVER...there are numerous small theater organizations in Chicago that are living month-to-month, unsure of their future, who do specialize in original musicals. Do you know that you could have given 50 grand to 10 of them? Do you even realize what that kind of donation would have done for the storefront community?

Think of it this way: You have a few buddies in town that have a great idea for a food truck business in Chicago. They have a great business plan. They make delicious tacos and cupcakes and kebabs and ribs tips. But instead of taking your $500,000 to help them get started, you give it all to Guy Fieri to make more butter flavored salsa for TGI Fridays.

And then you get out of the food business altogether and start working at Pfizer and unfriend your food truck pals on Facebook. And they have to go back to their jobs at Guy Fieri’s new chain “ED HARDY SHIRTS AND BURGERS.”

And if that is not enough. If that isn’t enough of an insult to everyone. If the whole city isn’t furiously angry at you yet. You decide to send out a press release to everyone saying what a “great thing” you just did for everyone. Now, we aren’t ones to overstep our boundaries or name call people who are just trying to do a great thing, but you guys... You guys are a bunch of fuckheads. Just like Guy Fieri.

So, while everyone is celebrating a 5-4 SCOTUS victory today by making sweet new Obama memes and fighting with their Republican fathers about what this means for America, let’s be sure to remember what giant assholes you guys were in your demise. Thanks for nothing.

So what can WE do? Well, here is our plan. As a community, we are going to write the most insane original musical that has ever been written. It will be awful and offensive and probably racist. And we are going to pool our money together and rent out Chicago Shakespeare Theater for one night and then we are going to perform it. And at the end, when Mitt Romney kills all the blacks and gays in a celebration of Lucifer himself, we will all look at the audience and say “Thank you for making this possible, Chicago Muse Theatre!” and then we will call each of you out by name and put your headshots that have had the mouths cut out around our dicks or vaginas and pretend that we are making sweet mouth love to your black and white heads.

And finally, we will have proven that we are the clear victors in this fight. Because nothing says victory more than blasting love juice all over someone’s graven image. Just ask Jehovah!

There is nothing else to say, except I hope whatever stupid original musical you are planning on taking to New York, where “important theatre” happens dies the death of that Paul Simon Caveman thing, and that you are stabbed outside the HotTix booth.

Love and rockets,

Eric Roach and Anderson Lawfer


  1. You guys are sick twists. Brilliant. You always bring it back around to the little guys and for that I commend you. Now, let's get blasting some love juice on the stage of Shakes!

  2. If you would like to join the group writing this original musical, please send an email with your email address to! It is a Google Doc and we are all writing together!

  3. I love you both. Count me in.

  4. "You guys are a bunch of fuckheads"?!?!?
    I couldn't love you any more if I had to, Anderson. I hope to meet you someday. I like the way you think.


  6. This is so beyond awesome. I am in love with the true crank jizz that is spewed here. And I happen to think its truth, also. Win win!

  7. They aren't the only ones that can take a show to New York. I'd like to find a way to bring your crazy ass musical to our fine city too. Let's do this.

    From your friends in the big apple,

    Nick Leavens
    Artistic Director
    |the claque|

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