The Daisey/Williams War of 2013

There is a new controversy stirring in our precious Chicago Theatre blogosphere and this one goes all the way to the top. The people involved are some of the most important players in American Theatre and the web of intrigue will affect us all.

It’s like an episode of REVENGE mixed with an episode of DECEPTION mixed with an episode of WORLD’S FATTEST PEOPLE!

So, our favorite monologist and Kool Aid Man impressionist, Mike Daisey is up to his old tricks in the world of deceit. His new work “The Agony and the Ecstasy of Steve Jobs” created quite a stir among white people when lithpy radio host Ira Glass announced ON PUBLIC RADIO airwaves that it was, in fact, not true!

Everyone piled on Daisey (which believe me, takes some effort and some rope) accusing him of basically raping American theater...even though all he really did is make a bunch of Mac nerd fanboys feel bad for about 30 seconds.

To be honest, we don’t even know what the controversy was about. The dude sits at a table and talks at you for 2 hours. If I expected every dude who sat at a table and told me stories about iphones to tell the truth every time, then... I would be legendary theatre critic Ton “The Fawn” Williands!

See, here in Chicago, legendary stage actor Lance “Pants” Baker has taken it upon himself to perform Daisey’s piece in an effort to change peoples’ minds 30 souls at a time. He’s performed the show repeatedly since Daisey’s Truthsexuality Outing on NPR, with the current production taking place at the 16th Street Theater. Tom “The Glomb” has reviewed the show on his site, and noted that there are STILL some errors in the script, even though Baker is performing the “redacted version,” which takes note of the Glass/Daisey tete a tete.

This is all fine and good. Maybe some Chinaman hurt his arm at a phone factory, maybe he didn’t. Do you care, Audience? Have you ever even SEEN a Chinaman before? Do you even know what an “arm” is?

Torn “The Dragonborn” Billsims obviously takes umbrage with the thought that this piece of theater is guilty of lying to him, but to defend our colleague here...Mr. Billsims thinks that everyone on stage, in movies, on TV, and at the grocery store is lying to him. He may not be sure what lying actually is, you guys.

I saw him yell at a flat soda for lying to him about bubbles. He yelled at Mario when he found out that Luigi wasn’t really his brother.

There was a horribly embarrassing moment once when I saw him repeatedly accuse the Puppet Bike guy of lying to children and him because those animals were dancing too well, and everyone knows that animals don’t dance that well and what the hell was he trying to prove.

So we can sit around and place blame on Toom “The Room” Swilldims for acting like a crazy person, OR, we can blame Mike Daisey for feeding the dragon.

Now, here’s what Mike Daisey wrote on his own blog to Mr. Swilldims, basically calling him out for being a terrible reviewer and a bullshit artist. Now, if anyone knows bullshit artists, it’s definitely Mike “Twinkies4Life” Daisey.

America's Greatest Entertainer

The only guy who walks out of this thing scot free is the man we can all get behind Lance Baker. His handsome eyes would never lie to us. His deep and swarthy baritone voice would never utter a word of hurt.

As for these other goofballs, they need to quit fighting. Neither of them are right. Mike, you got busted for lying on NPR, Todd “The Clod” Fillsom, you are a lunatic.

And, on top of that, you are acting like 14 year olds on YouTube flaming each other. Just look at that comments section y’all! This is a sad state of affairs, because no one gives a rats’ ass except for you two and some d-bag named Eric. Daisey, you have the potential to let go of this crap and go redeem yourself. Do we have to start calling you “The Fat Neil LaBute”? Because, I have no problem with that, I have NOTHING to lose, I am playing Skyrim tonight!

Daisey, why don’t you write a monologue about creepy reviewers? Or what about a hard hitting expose on the handsomeness of Eric and Andy? I would watch you sit at a table and talk about that for 90 minutes at least.

Please, drop this whole “defending” yourself thing. You aren’t Lance Armstrong, even though just as many people give a shit about cycling as one-man shows. I’m telling you, it’s gonna burn you up inside, all this hate. You’ll be headed for a Spaulding GRAVE.

And as for you, Thom “The Mom” Willham, go review a Lookingglass show and yell at the acrobats for lying to you about gravity.

GET OUT OF HERE!

A+

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach