Johnny Theatre (Chemically Imbalanced Comedy)

We all know LA is full of vapid, empty shallow people who would push their mothers off a cliff for a two-line part in a terrible pilot.  Chicago, on the other hand, is full of true artistes that work together with an ensemble approach that, if given the chance, would settle the strife and misery of the world in short order.  With Meisner.

Also, LA is where all the really good actors go to do real work with all the other great actors that are beloved by all the world.   Chicago is where those that aren’t good enough basically make pretentious, -important ‘plays’ that were really edgy in 1954.  Or were big hits OFF-OFf-off Broadway a few years ago.

In Johnny Theatre, now playing at the Chemically Imbalanced Theater, we find out what happens when these two worlds collide and let me tell you gentle readers, it ain’t pretty.  But it is funny, so you can laugh through your tears. I know I did.

  

Whether you are a Chicago actor or an LA actor this play has something to make you feel superior and pathetic about yourself.  Everybody wins! Ish!

The play stars Chicago’s answer to Zach Galifianakis, Anderson Lawfer, as a big movie star guy (Jonathon Duva) that comes back to his old theatre company to stage his terrible play.  The company is broke and going nowhere, so of course they agree.

But LA people are assholes, even when they buy you dinner, so the rehearsal process doesn’t go very well.

If you have ever been in a storefront theatre production, you will see a lot of crazy things that are kind of sad because it’s really pretty much like that.   Treading the line between the outrageous  and outrageously accurate, Mike Beyer and Kirk Pynchon pull off a pretty neat trick.

Early on we meet the cast of the Duva’s play:

Dexter (a stoned Dante Bugli) is that slack-ass actor that never have his shit together, is always late, but will probably get a Jeff Nomination and a national commercial.

Richard (a mustached Arne Saupe) the ‘old pro’ that is only doing this show at such a ‘small’ company because he wants to get as close to the movie star as possible.

 Holly  (a neatly groomed Alison Clayton ) is the actress that is convinced that everyone wants to bang her. 

Ray (a caleby Caleb Probst) is plays that really sweet guy in the cast that decides at the first read through that you and him are going to be best pals and will never leave you alone.

Stage Manager Phil (a thank you 5 minutes Bryan Beckwith) is the long suffering poor sap that has to wrangle these poor souls.

Elizabeth (a not in the boat Lauren Bourke) is that poor actress that a director can tell is so eager to please that they always totally fuck with her.

Kathi (a $50 stipendly Alexandria Frenkel) is the intern.  I think you can guess what Duva does to her.

And Artistic Director  Dana (a level-headed, devoted, overworked, underpaid Casey Pilkenton) is the level-headed, devoted, over worked, underpaid Artistic Director that we all know and should have empathy for.   

And the you will be surprised at how nice and understanding the landlord of the theatre turns out to be!  Dana and Bob the landlord (a dashing Chicago Residential Landlord Tenant Ordinance Michael Derting.)

So you’ve got the diluted Hollywood actor and this cast of familiar Chicago theatre types.  The play being produced is a musical that takes place in the Depression called ‘Dusty’.   The premise of ‘Dusty’ is ridiculous and yet it is as good, or better then a lot of what you will see in someone’s 2012/2013 season brochure.   

Representing LA is (fair toothed) Catherine Dildiian as a perma-smile Hollywood reporter and (beautifully headbanded) Ray Ready plays Duva’s ever jogging assistant with panache, style and gayness. 

In the 2^nd act we meet the new French director George (a surrender-ly Adam Schulmerich) and we know this project is doomed.  Let’s face it; the one thing that will always sink a Chicago off-loop production is a French person.

I think that is really the lesson here.  As hard as it is to mix the divergent worlds of Big Shouldered Chicago and Big Everything Los Angeles there is one thing we can all agree on.  The French are terrible. 

As a consumer advocate I would suggest you go see this play if you’ve ever been in, produced, seen or know someone involved in a storefront theatre production.

17 stars! 

-Michael Dailey

Disneyworld (Amusement Park) GUEST REVIEWER MIKE BEYER

Q: What is the last bastion of male white America?
A: Disneyworld.

I recently returned home from the clutches of the dreaded beast known only as the family vacation. Looking back, I truly shudder to think about the direction our trip could have taken if we had gone anyplace other than Disneyworld. The Magic Kingdom. Where dreams really do come true. Where the patriarch rules supreme, and comes home after a long day at the office to find a hot dinner waiting for him on the dinner table, cooked by his loving wife, while his kids happily flit about and show him their completed homework. Then they all sit down at the dinner table for a wonderful meal right before an early bedtime. That is...unless "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" is showing on ABC Family. (FUN FACT: Did you know that movie was the 5th-highest grossing movie of 1996?)

Disney markets itself as The Happiest Place On Earth. That's no joke. Exhibit A: On New Year's Day at approximately 6:30 a.m., I began to load our family wagon for our trip home after a magical few days of standing in line and eating cheeseburgers. (NOTE TO THOSE ABOUT TO BE MARRIED OR HAVING KIDS: This is what New Year's Eve/New Year's Day becomes.)

On my way back from our car to our Disney hotel, I passed a white, 40-something Disney employee who was emptying one of the 3,873,000 trash bins located on the Disney property. This particular garbage bag was pretty large and unwieldy, and was giving her considerable trouble. She saw me, and her face instantly lit up into a smile.

"Good morning! It's going to be a beautiful day, isn't it?" she chirped happily, dumping the garbage bag into her motorized Disney mini-garbage truck.

"Happy New Year," I mumbled.

"Oh!" A momentary look of fear crossed her face. Fuck! I forgot to wish him Happy New Year! What if this guy is a DISNEY SPY? I will be MURDERED, just like Denise over at Sir Mickey's Hut! She left that that spilled popcorn on the floor for more than 30 seconds, and got an ax buried in her SKULL! FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-

Her Prozac-induced look returned in an instant. "Happy New Year to you as well!"

"Thanks," I waved.

"Have a magical day!"

I really do suspect that all employees are strongly encouraged to take their Disney Happy Pills before beginning work at this 47-mile Plexus Of Dreams. Nearly every employee at Disneyworld is 100% in character. In fact, they are not even referred to as "employees". Instead of signs that read "Employees Only", they read "Cast Members Only". I would estimate that 90% of all Disneyworld cast members are under the influence some kind of Mickey's Happy Medication, which make those 10% all the more jarring.

Exhibit B: We signed our children up for a little Disney Extreme Makeover, which consists of them going into a makeup and hair studio -- then participating in some magical advenures with REAL Disney characters. My 8-year-old son was dressed up as a pirate from Pirates Of The Caribbean, and then was allowed to have a plastic sword fight with JACK SPARROW HIMSELF, in front of hundreds of spectators. The pirate makeup artists, photographer and cashier snarled "ARRGH" with gusto, and my son was properly cowed and impressed.

My 5-year-old daughter was taken to the Bippity Boppity Boutique (located inside Cinderella's Castle), and given the full JonBenet Ramsey treatment by a REAL FAIRY GODMOTHER, complete with hair extensions. Then she was hustled down into the castle for a photo shoot with Cinderella, then hustled upstairs for a magical lunch inside the castle, resplendent with foie gras and ALL THE DISNEY PRINCESSES. But whoever was playing Princess Ariel ("The Little Mermaid"), had skipped her Disney Medication that day. My daughter was struggling with her crown, which was jammed tightly around her skull along with about a pound of hair gel.

"Let's go, YOUR HIGHNESS!" snarled Ariel. Not in character. By now, I am sure she is enjoying her new job -- AS FOOD FOR THE LIONS INSIDE DISNEY'S ANIMAL KINGDOM!

There is no smoking at Disneyworld. Wait a minute, I'm sorry. There IS a smoking section at Disneyworld, located conveniently behind a Disney Trash Dumpster near the Disney Janitor's Broom Closet. It measures approximately 2 feet by 2 feet, and you can find at least 35 smokers squeezed comfortably inside this area, enjoying their cancer (All those who step outside this line are tased by Cruella de Ville).

The rides are pretty much what I remember as a child. The Haunted Mansion is a total disappointment, as they have incorporated "The Nightmare Before Christmas" into the ride, and substituted candy canes and Christmas presents for the "ghost" who sits beside you in the haunted chair that you see in the mirror. BOO! "It's A Small World" is as cloying as ever, with Christmas music weaved seamlessly throughout the famous theme song that makes one The Happiest Person In The World. Favorite part of the ride: The Santa figure perusing a gigantic list of names, which started out with the following names: Tyrone, Shawonda, and Raheem. Clearly, this was the "naughty" list.

I'd say more, but my time is limited and my thoughts on Disneyworld could truly fill pages and pages. I should really give two reviews:

FOR CHILDREN: A+++++++
For Adults: B (and a definite F if you are a smoker)


-Mike Beyer

My Kid's Magic Show (Magic Show) GUEST REVIEWER MIKE BEYER

My wife and I recently attended a new work on Monday night called "Declan and Jessie's Magic Show". And, um....yeah. This piece needs to be workshopped A LOT before it's anywhere close to being show-ready. The performers themselves have a ton of energy but the show itself is severely unfocused. And that's being kind.

But hey -- I am their father, and that's why I'm here. I mean, how am I supposed to raise the next Haley Joel Osment or Jamie Lynn Spears if they're going to put out stuff like this?

The show, which ran a merciful nine minutes, began promisingly with an introduction by 4-year-old Jessie Beyer, a sparkly blonde who is actually the brains of this duo. It then immediately segued into a nice "magnetic wand" trick by 7-year-old Declan Beyer, another towhead with real ambition and a manic intensity (wonder where he gets that?).

The opening illusion itself was very well done, but immediately led to serious problems -- in the form of open discontent among the cast over the direction of the show. Sadly, this professional jealousy would plague the rest of the piece.

There was also an unbelievably long amount of dead space in between tricks as Declan seemed unable to decide which trick should be next. (CRITIC'S NOTE: Setlist, anyone? Who directed this?) Jessie would suggest a number of tricks, which were instantly rejected by Declan while the audience grew increasingly uncomfortable.

Finally, Declan came out and did a "flipping wand" trick. This was an interesting choice for a follow-up, and certainly something I've never seen before. However, I was unsure where the actual magic lay in flipping a wand like a baton up in the air and catching it over and over again. He received only polite applause for this, which deflated his confidence a bit. As a parent, I constantly second-guess myself when it comes to the kids. Perhaps I should have clapped harder. Perhaps I should have "oohed" and "ahhed" more. Perhaps I shouldn't have let that 8-year-old kid in to see "Dead Wrong" the other night....

ANYWAY, the show seemed to regain a bit of momentum when Jessie rightly seized upon the dead space to regale the audience (of two) with fine, spirited renditions of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" and an improvised composition called "We're Doing a Music Show Now". The songs were much better received than either of the two previous tricks. This caused the simmering tensions to burst forth into an open argument. At first, I laughed, thinking it was scripted.

But then Declan snapped, "It's Declan and Jessie's Magic Show, not Magic And Music Show!" And Jessie replied, "I'm tired of being the assistant! I want to sing!" This made me question how long Declan And Jessie can continue in their present form.

The rest of the show continued on, as the actors did their jobs in relatively tense silence. Declan rattled off a few tricks smartly, starting with the "Cut The Rope In Half And Put It Back Together" magic box, a "Watch Me Make Cards Appear Out of Nowhere" trick, and ending with the "Disappearing Stars On The Card" trick, which Jessie unwisely spoiled by saying, "You're putting your thumb over the star, NOT making it disappear!" This had the predictable effect on Declan, leading to yet another public confrontation. And of course, Jessie's space-filler songs between acts continued to outshine the tricks themselves. They wouldn't even hold hands at the end of the show during the curtain call! TENSION.

Honest critique among performers -- good. Honest critique in the middle of the performance -- bad. In particular, Jessie really needs to learn how to be a pro, bottle up her rage over the show until the post mortem, and THEN explode over everyone in shocking fashion.

GRADE FROM DAD: C-
-Mike Beyer