The Human Centipede (First Sequence) is a controversial 2009 horror movie from shock auteur Tom Six, and it is a colossal waste of time and effort. I wasn't disgusted by the content of the film, because I'm from Missouri and have been inside a meth trailer. Y'all ain't got nothing on the Show Me State, yo. No, this movie is just terrible because it is more fun to talk about than it is to actually watch. Let's break it down...oh, and Spoiler Alert for you perverts who might actually choose to ingest this poo through your anus-mouth.
There's an insane German doctor who is famous for separating conjoined twins and now he wants to join people together ass-to-mouth because why not? His first experiment was joining 3 dogs together and he buried that failure in his yard under a headstone that reads "My Sweet 3 Dog." Wait, it gets better. So, there's these two American girls out to party and fuck Eurotrash and they get lost in the woods near this guy's house and they come in and ask for help and he roofies them and straps them down to....oh, blah blah BLAH. Boom, he joins these 2 girls ass-to-mouth with some Japanese guy at the head of the centipede and the cops show up and there's a fight and really I should have spent my free time in a better way because I'm a father now and free time is hard to come by. Oh, and there is a part where the Japanese guy shits in the girl's mouth and the doctor loves it and that was pretty funny.
There is only one reason (and it's a pretty flimsy reason, at that) to watch this abortion. The mad German doctor, played by DIETER LASER. This guy will re-teach you how to act. Throw out everything you know, and just bow at the feet of LASER. I never knew what it looked like when a mad German poop-freak doctor decided to swim naked in front of his own human centipede, until DIETER FUCKING LASER showed me. In all seriousness, this guy is pretty good and I'd like to see him and Udo Kier have a crazy-off. Of course, Udo wins because he banged Warhol. That always gives you the extra point, right Lou Reed?
Unfortunately, the rest of the cast is terrible. I guess it was a good choice to have the Japanese guy in front, because he could only speak Asian and the German guy didn't care what he said anyway. The two girls were good once they shut the hell up (because their mouths were sewn to assholes). I guess this could be a play, and it might be more interesting. Or not, please don't get any ideas New Millenium Theatre Company.
This Tom Six guy is making a sequel called The Human Centipede (Full Sequence) in which there are 12 people joined ass-to-mouth in a long ass human bug thing. Now, I'm no box office guru, but something tells me he should try a romantic comedy next.
But, but, BUT...if this film didn't exist, we wouldn't have South Park's extremely funny season opener "HUMAN CENTiPAD," a solid outing from Matt and Trey. Not a classic episode by a long shot, but one with some great bits.
This episode pokes fun at the extremely long license agreements that everyone must agree to when downloading a new version of iTunes. Unwittingly, Kyle clicks "I Agree" without reading the full agreement (which is just ludicrous, according to the show) and subjects himself to the business casual G-Men of Apple who take him away to be the middle part of the Human CentiPad. Steve Jobs' plays the mad doctor in this case, and attaches 3 people ass-to-mouth and places an iPhone on the forehead of the Japanese head one (a funny nod to the film) and an iPad on the ass of the female rear one, leaving poor Kyle in the middle to eat shit in a very literal fashion.
The jokes were strong, and the social commentary about the Apple license agreements is pretty spot-on. The only joke Trey and Matt missed was the chance to parody the insane DIETER LASER...a mad German poop-freak scientist? Come on guys, you're slipping if you can't make fun of that.
But, we must circle back to what I originally said about The Human Centipede being more fun to talk about than to experience. There really is no reason to watch the film...and I like gross horror movies! Shit, I'm an apologist for HOSTEL, for God's sake. But, when you get down to basics, the film is a 90 minute dirty joke with a horrible punch line. At least South Park gives you a satisfying 20 minutes or so of good parody, which is all anyone asked for in the first place. So, in closing, fuck you Tom Six. Trey and Matt easily beat you at your own game.
The Human Centipede: D-
The Human CentiPad: B+
-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer