Tom Hickey's Cranberry Ribs (Celebrity Recipe)

We all know who to go to if you want a solid, no-holds-barred performance of a cranky old coot. His name is Tom Hickey and he is the new face for us to get behind. His star has taken off.

From his younger days at Strawdog Theatre, to his Bic Pen commercials, we can all agree that a man this great deserves a great dinner for a big artistic appetite.

Try this at home or at a party for friends...

It's Tom Hickey's Cranberry Ribs!!

Ingredients

• 3 pounds pork loin back ribs
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 teaspoon pepper
• 1 (14 ounce) can Ocean Spray® Jellied Cranberry Sauce
• 1 (12 ounce) bottle Heinz® Chili Sauce
• 2 tablespoons minced onion
• 1 tablespoon Heinz® Gourmet Red-Wine Vinegar
• 2 teaspoons minced garlic

Directions

1. Spray 4 to 5-quart slow cooker with cooking spray. Cut ribs into 2-rib portions; place in slow cooker covering entire bottom. Sprinkle with salt and pepper.
2. Stir together cranberry sauce, chili sauce, onion, vinegar and garlic. Spoon over ribs. Cover and cook on low for 6 to 7 hours or until ribs are tender. Remove ribs from slow cooker. Discard liquid.

Makes 6 servings!

Overtime

Ok, America.

Here’s where we are at.

Clint Eastwood just made an ad telling us it was halftime in America.  This was an Obama ad, disguised as a car ad, disguised as the end of The Natural.

So where are we really? Is it halftime right now in America?

Let’s take a look at some recent examples of the state of this little corner of Earth we call Home.

We have a black president.  Great job!  However, everyone is now extra racist because we never thought he’d be this good at it.  Which was stupid, because look what happened when black people started playing baseball.

I don’t want to sound reverse racist, but listen. Everything black people can do now, they are better at it than white people. Presidenting? Yep. Sporting? Yep. Writing? Did you know that Shakespeare was black?

Virginia has a problem with guns. You see, a few years back, whenever there was a murder on the East Coast, you could trace the weapon back to Virginia literally 90% of the time. Then they passed a law that said that you could only buy 1 gun a month and murders went down across the East by 15%.

Now, they are repealing the law because it is “Unconstitutional” for me to only buy 1 fucking gun a month. That’s just 12 guns a year!

All judges examine the constitution by getting in a time machine and heading back to 1790.  They then ask about a dozen white slave-owners what they think of copyright law for the Apple App Store.  After they get chased back to the time machine by mobs carrying pitchforks and slaves carrying slave owners, they come back and rule incorrectly about everything you love.

But, then, our biggest export is ENTERTAINMENT!  We make billions on movies both here and abroad.  The trailer for the next big blockbuster just appeared in our webzone today...for The Amazing Spider Man!

This film is a reboot of the Tobey Maguire vehicle from 2001, which was a reboot of the animated series from the 90s, which was an offshoot of the long running comic book, which was based on the writings of Plutarch.

ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING SPIDERMAN!! Listen, movie producers think it’s ok to just turn down the lights and put a British man in the lead and send it back over to us? We already bought this, quit selling it. Also, America is hungry for entertainment! We want pussy and we want blood and death, and you keep feeding us a man in tights fighting a lizard.

Did you know that Ang Lee made a movie called The Hulk?  Did you know that The Incredible Hulk starred Ed Norton?  Did you know that The Avengers is coming this summer and that Mark Ruffalo is now the Hulk?  Do you even give one squirt of piss who the Hulk is anyway?

Why don’t you make movies we want to see? What about a movie about “Neil Gaiman’s Sandman”? Since everybody is in love with Downton Abbey and Porn, you know we are ready to get weird.

So let’s get fucking weird, movie studios!

These are End Times, folks.  Even Madonna knew that, and gave us a Superbowl halftime show that Nero himself would be proud to watch while taking a dump in a horse’s mouth.

Speaking of false idols, let’s talk for a sec. We, as a “Christian Nation” spend a lot of time worshipping false idols just to turn on them when they need us most. Case in point, Michael Jackson.

Now what had Michael Jackson done for us? He entertained ALL of us, he gave billions to charity, he taught us all how we can come from nothing to be the most famous person on the planet, basically he was the American Dream. And what did you do?

The second somebody says that a child has been molested over at his house, you call the cops and send him to court.   

This motherfucker made Thriller.  THRILLER.

THRILLER!

He made every hit we love, and he touches a couple kids that nobody wants and you get upset? Don’t you think we owe him a few?

Anybody that makes “Off The Wall” can Sandusky a few kids.

I think the best we can do to grant Mike some peace in this time is to force Joe Jackson to undergo extensive plastic surgery and skin lightening to make him look like the neighbor on the Jeffersons, and then get British Joe Jackson to play his abusive dad on a reality program we all get to watch.  Call it STEPPING OUT with JOES JACKSON.

If all we have to do is give him a couple kids that nobody wants, some scrips, and his father a weirdo facelift, then that is not too much to ask for! We all need to sacrifice for our new Gods!

Shame on you, America.

Here are some more examples of the way America has been acting:

Newt Gingrich’s Moonbase Idea

Keeping Up With The Kardashians

Papa John’s Pizza

Westboro Baptist Church

Our unflinching acceptance of the Syrian Revolution

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit WITHOUT Benson and Stabler

Sleeve Tattoos

RON PAUL

A law making all Porn Stars in California required to wear condoms

Vibrator commercials on prime time television

Soybean Gene Modification Patents

American Girl Place

and none of this... none of this was mentioned in Clint Eastwood’s CORPORATE AUTOMOTIVE COMMERCIAL!

Do you know who paid for that commercial? You.

We’ll be the first guys to say it, and it needs to be said, because we are in Overtime, and the only stocks you need to invest in are leather and shotguns, because shit is about to get real Mad Max in this bitch...

Fuck you, Clint Eastwood, you old shilling hack.  Don’t you dare LIE to me!

Now, we have taught a dog how to use a typewriter, and have unlimited prescriptions for Oxycontin and 3 years worth of soup on a Cigarette Boat in Missouri.

So, once it all goes down, you’ll never find us, because we will be holed up in our Hunter S. Thompson retreat popping pills and watching endless episodes of Columbo.

We will also be selling tickets to the Thunderdome on eBay, so good luck, suckers.


A+

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

12 Over 30

Hey gang!  If you like lists of things, and I know that you do, here is another one!  We here at Iews started thinking about all the people in the world over 30 who have really made a difference in all of our lives.  These are the doers and thinkers who have captivated the world with their prowess on the stage, on the playing field, and in the streets.  America couldn’t survive without them, and so your faithful champions of the average man doing extraordinary things and only asking for a mediocre paycheck and a blowjob...you know, on his birthday...have decided to celebrate these heroes.  These are your...12 Over 30!

Darryl Strawberry - former American Major League Baseball Outfielder, star of Celebrity Apprentice, star of Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab

A champ on the field and off, for 17 years in the bigs Strawberry knocked them out of the park for both the NY Mets and Yankees.  He also “played” for the Dodgers.  A feared slugger, he would intimidate lesser men on the mound when his 6’6” frame would dominate the batters box.  With a lifetime record of 280 home runs, he was compared to the great Hank Aaron, because they were both black.  Strawberry was controversial off the field, mostly because of a nasty cocaine habit and another habit that forced him to not take care of his children.  Oh wait...that habit was also cocaine.  He leaves a legacy of love and laughter, and always reaching for the spot just below the stars!

Christopher Hainsworth

By all accounts, there is one leading man in town who can do everything. Act in plays, write plays, and even read plays. His good, swarthy looks are the stuff you hear about in Hollywood and sorry ladies, he is off the market! This year has plenty of Hainsworth for all of us, just be sure to put on a parka, cuz it’s gonna get WET up in here! Wet with talent!

 

 

Bucket Joe - hobo at State and Harrison

When you think of Buckets and Joes, you inevitably think of Bucket Joe.  Joe’s been a fixture down on South State for as long as we can remember.  Veteran of ‘Nam, Desert Storm, Korea, and the Spanish-American War, Joe has a story for everyone and a smile for your kids.  Your deeply, deeply frightened kids.  Joe never lets a rainy day get him down, and also never lets herpes get him down.  He also never lets Hepatitis C get him down!  Have you heard Joe’s joke about the chinaman and Elizabeth Taylor?  Well, you might have heard the setup, but for some reason the punchline is always “MY WIFE SLEPT WITH MY BROTHER AND NOW I SEE SATAN!”  Oh, Joe...never stop being you!

 

Peter Moore

Close your eyes and think of a tall man with a slight stutter and salt and pepper hair. Now open your eyes. Were you thinking of Steve Martin? Well think again, because you were really thinking of Peter Moore! Moore has single-handedly taken a little known theatre company called Steep and made them a juggernaut of accents and sadness we are all clamoring for every weekend. No more sitting in the corner for this little storefront, and you have literally no one else to thank for this besides the great Peter Moore. Oh yes, we WILL have some Moore!

Don Hall

Now here’s a guy who used to be fat, worked out, lost weight, got lean and mean, but still decided to keep all the opinions he had when he was 16 years old!  And he blogs those opinions, whether The Man likes it or not!  He also acts in basements!  Never underestimate the earning power of an old man who hates Republicans!  Here’s to Don Hall and his weirdo liberal WBEZ tote bag lunches!

Susan Hamilton

Do you love cake and wine and Breast Cancer Walks? Then you needn’t look any further than Susie! With her blog called Cake and Wine, you know what she is thinking about allllll the time! She reminds us to treat every day as a gift and be sure to fail! That’s what living is all about and Susan is the best medicine to treat your breast cancer! Being a middle aged woman just got fun again! AAAAAACK!

 

Don & Tony - co-bloggers of horror movie blog Don and Tony’s Horrorhaus.com

Don and Tony have been on the lips of America since their unprecedented takedown of Wes Craven’s twitter attack on Entertainment Weekly.  When Wes’ last flop THE TAMING OF THE SHREW went tits up in a scathing EW review, Wes had the audacity to flip his lid publicly and Don & Tony were right there to hand him his ass in an unbelievable internet takedown.  They became the bloggers everyone wanted to watch, making guest appearances at Chris Piatt’s Horror Axewound salons and getting involved with their own film THE LUSTY VAMPIRESSES OF BELAQUA.  However, they have been criticized for being a little too snarky, and now don’t even talk about horror films anymore, instead choosing to write weird anti-political rants and lists of things that I guess they think are funny.  Still, Don & Tony are ruling their corner of the interwebs, and we love these kings of men!

 

Emeril LaGasse

Are you hungry for food? We are! Who can help us? Well, that depends on what you are hungry for. Does pizza sound good? What about tacos? How about Crawfish Jumbalaya? Well, you are in luck, because only one chef has figured out how to put Crawfish Jumbalaya into everything we like! He looks mean, he yells at food like it is his battered wife, but excellence isn’t just about perfection, there is also a showmanship that we expect from people in the kitchen. Remember when having a shrimp head and rice in your Bloody Mary was just a dream? Well you can thank Emeril!

 

Paul Holmquist - director, actor, father, Matt Damon

  

Paully, can you hear me from so high up there in the sky?  I know you are busy with being a dad, directing everything so that it wins Jeffs, and making sure we all know that you love AC/DC...but take a minute and listen won’t you??  We love you down here so much!  Don’t worry if you think we smell, we’ll take showers!  Are you there?  Are you?  We love you, Paul Mountain Manquist of the Tundra.

 

Bilal Dardai- Writer, Actor, Political Guy

Are you always so curious about this guy and where he came from? Us too. He seems nice enough, and always has a compliment to share, but I don’t know. I am having a hard time trusting him. I mean, who is he? What a weird name. I have always seen people that look like him, but never in a theater. Usually at a liquor store or in a taxi. Maybe he was a bad guy on 24. Well, either way, he seems like he wouldn’t harm your family and he makes good plays, I guess.

John Wilson- Theatre Maker/ Party Person

Have you ever seen a play in Chicago? Did you know that John Wilson had some hand in making it? Have you ever been to a party? John Wilson was there, too. The reigning King of Theatre. Do not disagree with him, or you will probably receive some incoherent reply that will baffle you for years to come. Just do what he says, however bizarre it may be.

 

 

Peter North - Porn King

Last but not ever least, Peter North of North Pole Productions is just like a fine cheese...smelly and ripe with the taste of lust!  Peter, while we may not ever have looked directly at his face, has been with us since our first sexual awakenings.  When you see him work, you’ll find yourself in awe of the man you could become.  The pleasure he’s brought to millions is worth ample space in any wallet made of ham.  Don’t be afraid to go North, you’ll be glad you did...just don’t slip on anything!

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach