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Wednesday, February 1, 2012

12 Over 30

Hey gang!  If you like lists of things, and I know that you do, here is another one!  We here at Iews started thinking about all the people in the world over 30 who have really made a difference in all of our lives.  These are the doers and thinkers who have captivated the world with their prowess on the stage, on the playing field, and in the streets.  America couldn’t survive without them, and so your faithful champions of the average man doing extraordinary things and only asking for a mediocre paycheck and a blowjob...you know, on his birthday...have decided to celebrate these heroes.  These are your...12 Over 30!

Darryl Strawberry - former American Major League Baseball Outfielder, star of Celebrity Apprentice, star of Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab

A champ on the field and off, for 17 years in the bigs Strawberry knocked them out of the park for both the NY Mets and Yankees.  He also “played” for the Dodgers.  A feared slugger, he would intimidate lesser men on the mound when his 6’6” frame would dominate the batters box.  With a lifetime record of 280 home runs, he was compared to the great Hank Aaron, because they were both black.  Strawberry was controversial off the field, mostly because of a nasty cocaine habit and another habit that forced him to not take care of his children.  Oh wait...that habit was also cocaine.  He leaves a legacy of love and laughter, and always reaching for the spot just below the stars!


Christopher Hainsworth

By all accounts, there is one leading man in town who can do everything. Act in plays, write plays, and even read plays. His good, swarthy looks are the stuff you hear about in Hollywood and sorry ladies, he is off the market! This year has plenty of Hainsworth for all of us, just be sure to put on a parka, cuz it’s gonna get WET up in here! Wet with talent!
 
 
Bucket Joe - hobo at State and Harrison

When you think of Buckets and Joes, you inevitably think of Bucket Joe.  Joe’s been a fixture down on South State for as long as we can remember.  Veteran of ‘Nam, Desert Storm, Korea, and the Spanish-American War, Joe has a story for everyone and a smile for your kids.  Your deeply, deeply frightened kids.  Joe never lets a rainy day get him down, and also never lets herpes get him down.  He also never lets Hepatitis C get him down!  Have you heard Joe’s joke about the chinaman and Elizabeth Taylor?  Well, you might have heard the setup, but for some reason the punchline is always “MY WIFE SLEPT WITH MY BROTHER AND NOW I SEE SATAN!”  Oh, Joe...never stop being you!

 

Peter Moore

Close your eyes and think of a tall man with a slight stutter and salt and pepper hair. Now open your eyes. Were you thinking of Steve Martin? Well think again, because you were really thinking of Peter Moore! Moore has single-handedly taken a little known theatre company called Steep and made them a juggernaut of accents and sadness we are all clamoring for every weekend. No more sitting in the corner for this little storefront, and you have literally no one else to thank for this besides the great Peter Moore. Oh yes, we WILL have some Moore!



Don Hall

Now here’s a guy who used to be fat, worked out, lost weight, got lean and mean, but still decided to keep all the opinions he had when he was 16 years old!  And he blogs those opinions, whether The Man likes it or not!  He also acts in basements!  Never underestimate the earning power of an old man who hates Republicans!  Here’s to Don Hall and his weirdo liberal WBEZ tote bag lunches!

Susan Hamilton

Do you love cake and wine and Breast Cancer Walks? Then you needn’t look any further than Susie! With her blog called Cake and Wine, you know what she is thinking about allllll the time! She reminds us to treat every day as a gift and be sure to fail! That’s what living is all about and Susan is the best medicine to treat your breast cancer! Being a middle aged woman just got fun again! AAAAAACK!

 

Don & Tony - co-bloggers of horror movie blog Don and Tony’s Horrorhaus.com

Don and Tony have been on the lips of America since their unprecedented takedown of Wes Craven’s twitter attack on Entertainment Weekly.  When Wes’ last flop THE TAMING OF THE SHREW went tits up in a scathing EW review, Wes had the audacity to flip his lid publicly and Don & Tony were right there to hand him his ass in an unbelievable internet takedown.  They became the bloggers everyone wanted to watch, making guest appearances at Chris Piatt’s Horror Axewound salons and getting involved with their own film THE LUSTY VAMPIRESSES OF BELAQUA.  However, they have been criticized for being a little too snarky, and now don’t even talk about horror films anymore, instead choosing to write weird anti-political rants and lists of things that I guess they think are funny.  Still, Don & Tony are ruling their corner of the interwebs, and we love these kings of men!
 
Emeril LaGasse

Are you hungry for food? We are! Who can help us? Well, that depends on what you are hungry for. Does pizza sound good? What about tacos? How about Crawfish Jumbalaya? Well, you are in luck, because only one chef has figured out how to put Crawfish Jumbalaya into everything we like! He looks mean, he yells at food like it is his battered wife, but excellence isn’t just about perfection, there is also a showmanship that we expect from people in the kitchen. Remember when having a shrimp head and rice in your Bloody Mary was just a dream? Well you can thank Emeril!
 
Paul Holmquist - director, actor, father, Matt Damon
  
Paully, can you hear me from so high up there in the sky?  I know you are busy with being a dad, directing everything so that it wins Jeffs, and making sure we all know that you love AC/DC...but take a minute and listen won’t you??  We love you down here so much!  Don’t worry if you think we smell, we’ll take showers!  Are you there?  Are you?  We love you, Paul Mountain Manquist of the Tundra.
 
Bilal Dardai- Writer, Actor, Political Guy

Are you always so curious about this guy and where he came from? Us too. He seems nice enough, and always has a compliment to share, but I don’t know. I am having a hard time trusting him. I mean, who is he? What a weird name. I have always seen people that look like him, but never in a theater. Usually at a liquor store or in a taxi. Maybe he was a bad guy on 24. Well, either way, he seems like he wouldn’t harm your family and he makes good plays, I guess.

John Wilson- Theatre Maker/ Party Person

Have you ever seen a play in Chicago? Did you know that John Wilson had some hand in making it? Have you ever been to a party? John Wilson was there, too. The reigning King of Theatre. Do not disagree with him, or you will probably receive some incoherent reply that will baffle you for years to come. Just do what he says, however bizarre it may be.
 
 
Peter North - Porn King

Last but not ever least, Peter North of North Pole Productions is just like a fine cheese...smelly and ripe with the taste of lust!  Peter, while we may not ever have looked directly at his face, has been with us since our first sexual awakenings.  When you see him work, you’ll find yourself in awe of the man you could become.  The pleasure he’s brought to millions is worth ample space in any wallet made of ham.  Don’t be afraid to go North, you’ll be glad you did...just don’t slip on anything!

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

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