Here’s where we are at.
Clint Eastwood just made an ad telling us it was halftime in America. This was an Obama ad, disguised as a car ad, disguised as the end of The Natural.
So where are we really? Is it halftime right now in America?
Let’s take a look at some recent examples of the state of this little corner of Earth we call Home.
We have a black president. Great job! However, everyone is now extra racist because we never thought he’d be this good at it. Which was stupid, because look what happened when black people started playing baseball.
I don’t want to sound reverse racist, but listen. Everything black people can do now, they are better at it than white people. Presidenting? Yep. Sporting? Yep. Writing? Did you know that Shakespeare was black?
Virginia has a problem with guns. You see, a few years back, whenever there was a murder on the East Coast, you could trace the weapon back to Virginia literally 90% of the time. Then they passed a law that said that you could only buy 1 gun a month and murders went down across the East by 15%.
Now, they are repealing the law because it is “Unconstitutional” for me to only buy 1 fucking gun a month. That’s just 12 guns a year!
All judges examine the constitution by getting in a time machine and heading back to 1790. They then ask about a dozen white slave-owners what they think of copyright law for the Apple App Store. After they get chased back to the time machine by mobs carrying pitchforks and slaves carrying slave owners, they come back and rule incorrectly about everything you love.
But, then, our biggest export is ENTERTAINMENT! We make billions on movies both here and abroad. The trailer for the next big blockbuster just appeared in our webzone today...for The Amazing Spider Man!
This film is a reboot of the Tobey Maguire vehicle from 2001, which was a reboot of the animated series from the 90s, which was an offshoot of the long running comic book, which was based on the writings of Plutarch.
ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING SPIDERMAN!! Listen, movie producers think it’s ok to just turn down the lights and put a British man in the lead and send it back over to us? We already bought this, quit selling it. Also, America is hungry for entertainment! We want pussy and we want blood and death, and you keep feeding us a man in tights fighting a lizard.
Did you know that Ang Lee made a movie called The Hulk? Did you know that The Incredible Hulk starred Ed Norton? Did you know that The Avengers is coming this summer and that Mark Ruffalo is now the Hulk? Do you even give one squirt of piss who the Hulk is anyway?
Why don’t you make movies we want to see? What about a movie about “Neil Gaiman’s Sandman”? Since everybody is in love with Downton Abbey and Porn, you know we are ready to get weird.
So let’s get fucking weird, movie studios!
These are End Times, folks. Even Madonna knew that, and gave us a Superbowl halftime show that Nero himself would be proud to watch while taking a dump in a horse’s mouth.
Speaking of false idols, let’s talk for a sec. We, as a “Christian Nation” spend a lot of time worshipping false idols just to turn on them when they need us most. Case in point, Michael Jackson.
Now what had Michael Jackson done for us? He entertained ALL of us, he gave billions to charity, he taught us all how we can come from nothing to be the most famous person on the planet, basically he was the American Dream. And what did you do?
The second somebody says that a child has been molested over at his house, you call the cops and send him to court.
This motherfucker made Thriller. THRILLER.
He made every hit we love, and he touches a couple kids that nobody wants and you get upset? Don’t you think we owe him a few?
Anybody that makes “Off The Wall” can Sandusky a few kids.
I think the best we can do to grant Mike some peace in this time is to force Joe Jackson to undergo extensive plastic surgery and skin lightening to make him look like the neighbor on the Jeffersons, and then get British Joe Jackson to play his abusive dad on a reality program we all get to watch. Call it STEPPING OUT with JOES JACKSON.
If all we have to do is give him a couple kids that nobody wants, some scrips, and his father a weirdo facelift, then that is not too much to ask for! We all need to sacrifice for our new Gods!
Shame on you, America.
Here are some more examples of the way America has been acting:
Newt Gingrich’s Moonbase Idea
Keeping Up With The Kardashians
Papa John’s Pizza
Westboro Baptist Church
Our unflinching acceptance of the Syrian Revolution
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit WITHOUT Benson and Stabler
A law making all Porn Stars in California required to wear condoms
Vibrator commercials on prime time television
Soybean Gene Modification Patents
American Girl Place
and none of this... none of this was mentioned in Clint Eastwood’s CORPORATE AUTOMOTIVE COMMERCIAL!
Do you know who paid for that commercial? You.
We’ll be the first guys to say it, and it needs to be said, because we are in Overtime, and the only stocks you need to invest in are leather and shotguns, because shit is about to get real Mad Max in this bitch...
Fuck you, Clint Eastwood, you old shilling hack. Don’t you dare LIE to me!
Now, we have taught a dog how to use a typewriter, and have unlimited prescriptions for Oxycontin and 3 years worth of soup on a Cigarette Boat in Missouri.
So, once it all goes down, you’ll never find us, because we will be holed up in our Hunter S. Thompson retreat popping pills and watching endless episodes of Columbo.
We will also be selling tickets to the Thunderdome on eBay, so good luck, suckers.
-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer