Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Snow White and the Huntsman (Movie Review)
Remember when we didn’t have On Demand and Netflix? It was a much simpler time because you could go to the movie theater to see a movie, or go to the video store and choose a classic or a New Release for maybe 4 bucks. You would be so excited on your drive home with your video cassette.
“I can’t wait to check out this Saving Private Ryan! I hear the beginning scene is awesome!”
Then you would get home and put your arm around some girl from your chemistry class and get ready to touch some boobs.The first scene was awesome, but then you were stuck with the last 180 scenes that weren’t as awesome and you already touched her boobs.
Nowadays, that same girl is a meth head and you have Netflix right there on your tv! So for 8 dollarinis a month, you can choose between 400,000 movies and the only thing that differentiates a new release is one little line above it.
All movies have finally become equal. There is equal ground for everything. There is only “New To Me” movies out there now. And because of that, and the readiness and availability of films, I spend a lot of times watching the first 10 minutes of something, realizing it is stupid and then watching something else.
But even I occasionally get fooled.
I LOVE to watch re imaginings of things. Those Tim Burton things, Transformers, Batman, Sherlock Holmes, whatever. I will watch them all. There is something familiar that I enjoy. I like feeling like I am taking a trip to a place I have been before. You can dig deeper and take different paths through the same forest you already love.
I decided to take the trip to Snow White and The Huntsman. We are all familiar with the Disney film and the Grimm tale version where Snow White falls asleep because her Step Mother is a bitch and then a prince kisses her and wakes her up. There are dwarves and apples and it’s all gravy. The end.
Now this fucking thing...ugh. Just thinking about this piece of TOTAL GARBAGE is making me tired. I fell asleep on 2 different occasions trying to make it through, but I finally did. In fact, the more I am thinking about this movie, the less I feel like talking about it, so let’s make this quick.
Charlize Theron is good.
The guy from Thor is good, but he has like 10 lines and just looks at the camera with his pretty eyes.
The editing, direction and script are all worthless.
The dwarfs are all played by famous British people, which seems like a waste of regular sized British people.
Then we have Kristen Stewart. Kristen has made a name for herself in the Twilight movies where she plays some teenager that likes vampires? Or is a pregnant vampire? I don’t know. Never saw it.
But in Snow White, she plays Snow White who is not only supposed to be beautiful, but also kind and friendly and not look like she is smelling gross farts all day.
So why would they choose old Fart Nose for this?
I’m sure she is good at playing an angsty teen, but why would you want her to be the most beautiful lady in the world? Ugh. She is just terrible.
I wish they made words that were worse than “terrible”, because I would use it for this bitch.
Then, after Snow White wakes up from her poisoned sleep, she is the General of the army that goes to fight the Step Mother.
So...Thor and a guy from the Hunger Games and these British dwarfs decide to go and TAKE ORDERS from an ugly teenage American girl...
You know what? It’s not even worth it.
I tried to write an opening to this to disguise it as some piece about the cons of buying a movie when it will be free on Netflix in 5 weeks, but really...I can’t do it.
This movie is just fucking miserably bad.
If you saw it, let’s start a support group.
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach