I bet you are wondering where we have been.
Did we break up? Is theatre dead to us? Has life got us down?
No way pals! Life has got us UP! We might have what doctors are calling UP SYNDROME!
It is still pretty much like Down Syndrome, but we are retarded with HAPPINESS!
As for theatre, sure we’re still in the game...just on our own terms. My boy Andy here is directing a play that should scare your pants off on purpose. And I’m in a show that should scare you involuntarily!
But during the summer, we like to take a break and reflect on our lives, spend times with our women, and to celebrate in different states. One such opportunity presented itself last weekend, in the small town of Mears, Michigan.
Our good friend Ryan Bollettino, Phish enthusiast and fan of juicy hamburgers everywhere, got married to the lovely and tall Courtney Rickard.
I first met Bollo when he was working at the Griffin theatre in the late 90s. Oh, did we dance to some Rascall Flatts and play hackysack while watching The Green Mile on standard definition TV sets!
And I first met Ryan in the early 00’s when I asked him to buy me a 40 of Malt Liquor outside of Carol’s on Karaoke Night. He said no, but I knew we would be friends forever.
MALT LIQUOR GETS THEM PANTIES DROPPED QUICKER!
So here is a rundown of what happened on Saturday.
We left early. The skies were bright and full of hope. We were hoping to stop at one of the 15,000 blueberry farms. It struck me that in this economy, maybe blueberries aren’t the best decision, for a farmer to rely on, or any sort of berries for that matter. Unless they are Meth Berrys.
We stopped for a jerky/pee break and made our wives brew some sun tea at the rest stop. We realized we only had a short time to get to the wedding and sit there and relax for 7 hours. So, we kept moving even though the sun tea was half done.
In our delerium, we stopped 4 more times at various antique malls, searching for old Playboy Magazines and sausage grinders from the 1920s.Our search was fruitless, because we already had all the sausage grinders and Playboys they had, and there was no way we were paying $16 for a copy of Tawny Kitaen with her nips out.
Full of half brewed tea and our jaws packed with jerky, we rolled into the Silver Lake Resort area. Everyone had dune buggies. More dune buggies than all the Mad Max films combined. All different sizes and colors, but no sign of the wedding! Was this wedding happening on a dune buggy course?
Of course not. That’s what Bollo would have wanted, but Courtney would never stand for a dune buggy wedding.
Instead, we were welcomed into what looked like a Knights Of Columbus lodge from the late 70’s.
Everything about it was wonderful. I kept expecting Sam Elliot and Patrick Swayze to bust all ass in a knock-down, drag-out set to the sweet sounds of The Jeff Healy Band. But, luckily, they weren’t invited to the wedding. There’s no way a blind guy can play a guitar that well!
The evening started with the actual ceremony, where many guests, including us, went and sat on this patio thing and Bollo was waiting at the altar for his nubile young bride. It was the most beautiful of Michigan nights.
In a matter of seconds, there stood before us one of the most beautiful visions we have ever seen. A tall blonde in a white dress. She was walking very slowly and dramatically. Her walk told me that maybe she had been thinking about how she was going to walk down the aisle. She did it just like she practiced and everyone stood up and cheered because she was so happy and the quartet was playing “She’s My Cherry Pie” which we thought was a fitting song for Michigan.
I think that meant the ceremony was over, so we retired to the deck where horse’s ovaries and drinks were being served. I thought the ovaries were oversalted a bit, but the bug juice was properly mixed and we proceeded to get FACED.
Whenever a celebrity like Ryan Bolletino gets married, you can expect to see others. AND BOY DID WE!!! As soon as you turned your head, there was another Theatre Legend!!
Rob McLean and Erin Myers are admiring the view! Jennifer Grace and Mechelle Moe are playing lawn darts! Nikki Klix and Angelina Martinez are talking about how their shoes hurt! Geoff Button and Jennifer Santanello are playing high stakes Euchre! Sara Jean McCarthy has a knife!
It’s a theater EXPLOSION! Plus, all of Ryan’s uncles were dressed like Will Farrell’s version of Robert Goulet and are yelling “GOULET!” at each other. I couldn’t believe this actually was an organized effort so I followed a group of them to the woodshed. Turns out, they’re Illuminati! Figures.
After a glorious dinner of Michigan vegetables and roasted meats, the time had come to really let loose! We started with a quick trip to the photo booth and some dancing to Nelly’s Greatest Hits. The drinks were really flowing, and the jackets were coming off!
As we were wandering out onto the skeet shooting course to light fireworks, the unthinkable happened. It started to rain. We laughed and cajoled as we ran for the shelter of the Val-Du Lodge for some more pepsis and pizza pies.
Perhaps one of these Illuminati members would know someone in Heaven who could turn off this rain, but it turns out that they were just Kiwanis Club. The mood didn’t falter, not even for a second, because the party kept going!
Finally we were able to get our pics in the photo booths using Mechelle Moe’s pleathora of props that it had taken her a full decade to find! Our creative sides came out when I dressed as an angel and my wife wore a pig hat with flapping pig wings!
Now sometimes Eric gets the giggles. That can go in a couple different directions. Either he gets the giggles and laughs himself to sleep, OR sometimes, Eric’s giggles turn him into a vicious demon, hell bent on having the TIME OF HIS LIFE!
And what I needed this time was a CRAB SOCCER GAME. I recruited most of the waitstaff and the Goulets and the black bus boy to go out in the rain and strip to our skivvies and play crab soccer with a beach ball left over from last weekend’s Jimmy Buffet Beachcomber BBQ and Beer Trivia Quest.
The Rickard family was screaming from the shelter for Eric to stop, but he didn’t. Their screams only made the game stronger and wilder. People were getting kicked in the face because Eric had wisely thought ahead and brought cleats to wear with his suit.
While Eric was distracting the crowd, I had discovered that the photoboard projections were showing freshy uploaded pics of the party. So with a simple $5 bill and a wink/handshake, I was able to gain full access to this program. When the crowd that was left gazed at the picture screen, they were treated to glorious upclose phone pictures of my butthole.
As I strolled in after the best crab soccer game Silver Lake Resorts had ever seen, I could hear the murmurs of the crowd:
“Whose butthole is that?”
“Seems like a butthole.”
“That butthole is surprisingly white and clean.”
“I wonder if that is Geoff Button’s b-hole?”
Our women were not pleased with our behavior, but this had become the hottest party in the county!
Soon, all the old people were doing “The Butthole” dance that Eric had taught them. It’s a lot like The Electric Slide with some Macarena, but with plenty of gestures to your own personal butthole.
I told Ryan and Courtney that they are a wonderful couple and I wished them a mazel! I then told them about the shower I was going to take later.
Not to be outdone, we told them that we had found a baby in the woods and to call the authorities. Then we left the confused and panicked partiers together.
“To our hotels for showers and some of the meats we had stolen from the reception!” I declared.
I think it’s one of the best weddings I’ve ever been to and the memories we made there will last a lifetime, or at least until the senility finally kicks in and it’s nothing but crab soccer games and butthole dances.
Congrats, Courtney and Ryan! We love you!
The Wedding of Ryan Bollettino and Courtney Rickard: A++
-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer