Dirty (The Gift Theatre Company)

 Life can be overwhelming sometimes.

Especially in the Fall. As theatre people, Fall is usually our busiest time and we are all finishing planning our seasons and trying to book our final Spring shows. So, it has taken me a while to write about this play I saw a couple weeks ago called “Dirty” out at The Gift.

Not because I didn’t like it. I, in fact, REALLY liked it. The acting is great. 

But here's the thing:

This kid Michael Patrick Thornton has it all going on for him. He is a handsome TV star, so he doesn’t care what I think about it. Tom Hickey is in it, and he is always awesome, so HE doesn’t care what I think. The great Jon Berry directed, and the now hugely popular Andrew Hinderaker wrote it, so they could care less about my opinion, so it makes it harder for me to even get into it, because these 4 dudes are at the fucking TOP OF THE GAME.      

You all know it, too. You KNOW this play is good. It is an act too long. The story gets a little too complicated…whatever. It’s awesome and you all know it already without even seeing it.

The play is about making porno movies. See, the main couple likes to watch porno movies. The dude (Thornton) is unhappy with his life as a stock broker or something and his wife (the robust and comely Hillary Clemens) is a struggling…I wanna say…Not-For-Profit…Women’s shelter worker? Something like that. So the guy decides he hates his job and wants to start a porno movie company. The wife says she will help, but they have to have rules about the movies they make. No schoolgirl fantasies, nobody under 25, basically she doesn’t want these movies to have anything in them that makes you want to watch a porno.

If it was up to ladies, all of our porno movies would be middle aged women getting butt massages from Adrian Brody in a cake factory.

So this broad tries to get Mike Thornton to get down with this idea and of course he says yes because if your wife is letting you make porn, you have to agree to her rules, no matter how stupid they may be.

So then this lady (the Guatemalan and electrifying Mouzam Makkar) shows up who wants to be in the porno movies and she is only 20 years old.

Then it gets super complicated.

All the actors are awesome, of course. You know it and I know it. They are all probably better than you are.

Michael Patrick Thornton. Do you know about this guy? Of course you do. He’s great. His best quality though, is that he acts like he doesn’t care if anyone is there watching or not. Super relaxed, very casual. That is a cool trait to have in this city of stupid improvisers who cry if you don’t laugh at them because something went terribly wrong in their home life.

Anyway, you already want to see it, so go already. It is a very, very good play.

A+ 

-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Expose: God uses ‘Penis of the Sea’ to Fuck Southern California! (Expose by Anthony Tournis)

Earthquakes, fires, and oppressive heat. That used to be God’s way of dealing with the hippies that run Southern California (my uncle Dave told me all about those damn hippies ( after I got home from a trip to L.A. he had to check my whole body to make sure they didn’t give me any hippie drugs (apparently they really like to hide things up your butt because he really checked that area (he checked it so hard I couldn’t walk for a week (better safe than sorry))))). Now there is a new threat to those dirty bastards that should wipe that peace-lovin’ smile off their dumb ass grills! Humbolt squids! Squids are what I like to call the ‘Penis of the Sea’ (I call them that because they look like penises and they have tentacles (I hear if you shave your tentacles it makes your wiener look bigger (I have a lot of junk downstairs so this info is useless to me (uncle Dave says it’s the biggest he has seen and he sees a lot)))). These Humbolt squids are huge too! They can weigh up to one hundred pounds and they will eat your babies. Babies are what make squid big and strong (babies are like spinach for squids (seriously they can’t get enough of your babies! (do you love your baby? (well, keep it the hell away from Southern California (do you have a baby in Southern California? (if you do, then I hope you like your babies dead (seriously, don’t let your babies get eaten by squid (unless you are a hippy (if you are a hippy then squid are the best babysitters for your dirty, hippie babies))))))))). The problem with the Humbolt (Penis of The Sea) squid is that they are taking over the waters of Southern California looking for babies. Don’t be fooled by the lack of legs because the squid can walk in their tentacles (OUCH)! I read in the news that these squids are invading, so that means they are probably armed. Intel (that means Intelligence if you read Tom Clancy novels (I just wait for the movies)) says that they haven’t developed guns yet so that is good news, but don’t get too comfy because the squid have a secret weapon: Tanks! If these tanks get to the shore than we are fucked! I mean, SQUID TANKS!?! For real?!?!?! Why is this happening? Because Southern California hates America so God hates Southern California! Look at the facts. Southern California is where all the damn liberals and hippies are so it’s a no-brainer that they hate America. Alaska is on the Pacific Ocean and this isn’t happening to them (thank you Sarah Palin)! What more proof do you need? Those commie, hippie bastards in Southern California probably worship Hitler while they wipe their butts on a burning American flag (that is what they all do (trust me)). They don’t support the troops (because the only way to support the troops is by sending them into as many wars as you can (they love to fight for their lives (it’s their jobs))), they love illegal immigrants (c’mon aliens…we were here first!), and they like their pot drugs. I hear that you can buy pot drugs in stores out there. CRAZYNESS! It’s like Solomon and Gamera! Since they hate America and God loves us because we kick ass; God sent the squids to reclaim that land for REAL AMERICANS! Get ready to bow down to your new squid masters you commie intellectual liberals! That will learn you to hate the good old U. S. of A!