A Raft Of Cool Amidst A Sea Of Crap (The good parts of shitty comic book movies) by Anthony Tournis

Bad comic book movies are everywhere (and odds are Nicolas Cage is in most of them). Some people don’t know how to bring the story of a comic book character to life, you go and see the piece of shit with high expectations, you watch your childhood being raped by Hollywood, and then you spend the rest of your night telling your childhood it wasn’t it’s fault. Nothing pisses me off more than a bad comic book movie (except Archie Comics (Son of a bitch must pay)). There are some comic book movies that are really shitty, however, they have some parts that are actually really fucking cool (except Ghost Rider, Cat Woman, Barb Wire, and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (nothing is good about those movies(NOTHING))). Here’s a little list of crappy comic book movies that have some kick ass parts to them (even though the movie is shitty):

SUPERMAN III – Man, that movie sucks. Richard Pryor? Really? I mean he is a fucking god, but not in that movie. It wasn’t his fault, it was a horrible movie…except for one part SUPERMAN VS.CLARK KENT!!!!! What a kick ass way of showing good versus evil…on a construction site…WITH OPEN POOLS OF ACID!!! This was done before CGI, so Christopher Reeve had to have a spot on body double. Which he did. Awesome fight.

PUNISHER (2004) – This isn’t my favorite movie, but I don’t completely hate it either. However, so many people hate this movie I will classify it as shitty (see what I do for you people?). No matter who hates this movie they all agree that Punisher’s fight with the Russian kicks all forms of ass! Kevin Nash and Thomas Jane beat the shit out of each other for three and a half hours. This fight goes on forever and it is brutal as hell. Guns, knives, fists, and grenades…HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE THAT?!?!?!?

PUNISHER: WAR ZONE – This movie was almost irredeemable. It flat out sucks. The only saving grace is that it’s violent as hell. I mean really bloody. Tons of blood, guts and gore are the only thing good about this movie.

SPIDERMAN 3 – This piece of shit is a piece of shit. One of the most disappointing movies of all time. It ranks up there with Attack Of The Clones. I can’t even begin to describe where this movie went wrong. Venom = LAME. Hobgoblin/ New Green Goblin = Lame. Not using The Lizard even though he has shown up in the two previous movies = LAME! Sandman = Actually, he is pretty good. His back story is great, he’s the only character that has any depth, and his story asks the question: is it alright to do bad things if it’s for a good cause?

You see, good can come from bad…at least in these examples. Don’t try to look for redemption in ALL shitty comic book movies. The last thing I want on my conscience is you watching Superman IV: The Quest For Peace looking for meaning. No one should sit through that. Please promise me you won’t ever…EVER watch that movie.

STOP SCREWING UP THE PUNISHER or YOU PEOPLE COULD FUCK UP A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH! (comic meditation by Anthony Tournis)

Listen, I’m going to be blunt. Stop fucking up the Punisher. I’m a Punisher fan. I think he is a great comic book character. He’s dark, brutal, out of control, and he knows it. He is the absolute end of the spectrum in the vigilante world. If you think about it the Punisher is Batman done somewhat realistically (I say somewhat because this is a comic book and is in no sense real (I feel stupid for having to say that but I know there is someone out there that will call me on it)). The Punisher does the same thing that Batman does, but doesn’t have the gadgets that come from being a stuck up rich kid (Batman is a stuck up rich kid (let’s see him fight crime on the cheap!)). The Punisher just kills people. Much more realistic and simple. Then again, it’s a simple concept. Frank Castle, an ex-special forces family man, is picnicking with his family when his wife and kids are killed by gangsters because they stumbled across a gangland killing. This event sets him off and sparks a one man war against crime in New York. Is that simple enough for you? It’s not rocket science. It’s really easy and formulaic. It’s almost too simple: guy kills criminals and eludes the police. THEN HOW COME HOLLYWOOD KEEPS FUCKING IT UP? Let’s take a look at the history of Punisher movies. In 1989 “Punisher” is released starring Dolph Lundgren. It completely blows. It’s gritty and violent, but the script is horrible, the bad guys are completely forgettable, they deviated from the back story, and they got rid of the skull that the Punisher usually wears on his chest. It’s Horrible. Then in 2004 “The Punisher” was released. It was alright. Thomas Jane was pretty good and it has an awesome fight scene between the Punisher and a big Russian (it’s Kevin Nash wrestling fans) but the script was weak again, they completely reinvented his back story (not for the better),and it was really tame for the Punisher. Finally, there was “Punisher: War Zone” in 2008. Absolutely blows. The Punisher looked great and the violence was at the right level (it’s almost comical in parts) BUT once again the script blows, the characters are lame, and they turned a great villain into a mindless thug. Three strikes. You’re out. The main problem with all of these movies is shitty writing. What I don’t understand is that there are amazing writers that actually write Punisher comics…has it ever occurred to you to ask them to write a movie? Garth Ennis wrote one of the greatest Punisher stories of all time…book him! Jason Aaron is writing amazing stuff as we speak…what’s wrong with him? One of the major problems with comic book movies is that Hollywood assholes have their own writers and don’t consider the guys who actually, y’know, write the stuff for a living. If Spiderman 3 was written by Brian Michael Bendis then it wouldn’t have been a huge chunk of shit (I mean seriously, that movie was awful). However, the comic book writer’s hands aren’t necessarily clean in the case of Punisher either. ARCHIE MEETS THE PUNISHER!!!! Are you fucking kidding me? No. I’m not. This is absolutely serious. This was a one shot cross over where the Punisher is sent to Riverdale to catch a notorious drug dealer named “Red”. Now who (in this airtight story) do you think gets mistaken for “Red”? That’s right. ARCHIE!!! There isn’t a string of profanity long enough for me to exclaim how stupid this idea was! Oh, and that wasn’t an isolated incident. A couple months ago a story line emerged where the Punisher is sliced to bits and murdered by Wolverine’s son (Daken), BUT is later put back together like Frankenstein by monsters living underground to help fight off a group of people trying to kill the monsters…living underground. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!?!?!?!?!? They turned the Punisher into Frankenstein, or as the book is so eloquently called: FRANKENCASTLE! Now I can understand that every once in a while you have a bad story line, I get that, but FrankenCastle was made into a series…A WHOLE FUCKING SERIES!!!!! The Punisher is like a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich. Simple, yet there are some key steps, but all in all relatively easy to make. SO WHY DO THEY KEEP FUCKING HIM UP? This post is pissing me off so I am just going to end it by saying that I am throwing down the gauntlet. I defy Hollywood to create a GREAT Punisher movie. Characters that I care about, lines that don’t sound like they are from a 50’s gangster film, a dark and seedy world without it being cheesy, and for god sake leave the violence in! I await your reply.