Monday, November 15, 2010

A Raft Of Cool Amidst A Sea Of Crap (The good parts of shitty comic book movies) by Anthony Tournis

Bad comic book movies are everywhere (and odds are Nicolas Cage is in most of them). Some people don’t know how to bring the story of a comic book character to life, you go and see the piece of shit with high expectations, you watch your childhood being raped by Hollywood, and then you spend the rest of your night telling your childhood it wasn’t it’s fault. Nothing pisses me off more than a bad comic book movie (except Archie Comics (Son of a bitch must pay)). There are some comic book movies that are really shitty, however, they have some parts that are actually really fucking cool (except Ghost Rider, Cat Woman, Barb Wire, and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (nothing is good about those movies(NOTHING))). Here’s a little list of crappy comic book movies that have some kick ass parts to them (even though the movie is shitty):

SUPERMAN III – Man, that movie sucks. Richard Pryor? Really? I mean he is a fucking god, but not in that movie. It wasn’t his fault, it was a horrible movie…except for one part SUPERMAN VS.CLARK KENT!!!!! What a kick ass way of showing good versus evil…on a construction site…WITH OPEN POOLS OF ACID!!! This was done before CGI, so Christopher Reeve had to have a spot on body double. Which he did. Awesome fight.

PUNISHER (2004) – This isn’t my favorite movie, but I don’t completely hate it either. However, so many people hate this movie I will classify it as shitty (see what I do for you people?). No matter who hates this movie they all agree that Punisher’s fight with the Russian kicks all forms of ass! Kevin Nash and Thomas Jane beat the shit out of each other for three and a half hours. This fight goes on forever and it is brutal as hell. Guns, knives, fists, and grenades…HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE THAT?!?!?!?

PUNISHER: WAR ZONE – This movie was almost irredeemable. It flat out sucks. The only saving grace is that it’s violent as hell. I mean really bloody. Tons of blood, guts and gore are the only thing good about this movie.

SPIDERMAN 3 – This piece of shit is a piece of shit. One of the most disappointing movies of all time. It ranks up there with Attack Of The Clones. I can’t even begin to describe where this movie went wrong. Venom = LAME. Hobgoblin/ New Green Goblin = Lame. Not using The Lizard even though he has shown up in the two previous movies = LAME! Sandman = Actually, he is pretty good. His back story is great, he’s the only character that has any depth, and his story asks the question: is it alright to do bad things if it’s for a good cause?

You see, good can come from bad…at least in these examples. Don’t try to look for redemption in ALL shitty comic book movies. The last thing I want on my conscience is you watching Superman IV: The Quest For Peace looking for meaning. No one should sit through that. Please promise me you won’t ever…EVER watch that movie.


  1. Speaking of Superman - Superman Returns. You have the awesome scene of rescuing the airplane surrounded by the story of a demented stalker trying to destroy a family.

  2. There are no awesome scenes in Superman Returns.