Wednesday, November 24, 2010

An Open Letter To All You People Who Come to Work Sick (Guest Letter by Anthony Tournis)

Hey. My name is Anthony Tournis. I am a guest reviewer on Reviews you can Iews. When I write a post, there is a certain amount of satire and humor behind what I say. It’s just good fun. However, this post is serious as a goddamn heart attack. This is an open letter to all you people who think it’s cool to come to the office when you are sick as hell. Knock it the fuck off!

First of all, you aren’t impressing anyone. We all think you are a dumbass. Your constant hacking up of phlegm, sneezing, coughing, and running to the bathroom isn’t going to earn you a medal. It will earn you scorn and contempt from people who don’t really respect you in the first place. It’s not like you are the most hygienic people to begin with. Yeah, you have Purell, but you are constantly coughing and sneezing so damn much that there is a mist of you bodily fluids surrounding you at all times. I would stand a better chance of not getting sick by licking the toilet seat in a men’s room of a bullfighting arena in the poor section of Mexico City than by having a thirty second conversation with your disease-riddled ass.

Oh, and thanks for taking my well being into consideration when you dragged yourself into work today. I’m sure you didn’t want to risk me getting sick, but that shipment of dildos just had to get to Cleveland on time, and you were the only one to make sure that it happened. Way to go, Ace! Now I’m sick…AND EVERYONE ELSE I COME INTO CONTACT WITH!!!!! You are worse than that fucking monkey from the movie “Outbreak”. At least he was cute. You look like someone slapped you in the face with a wet burrito, and a not very well constructed burrito at that. You look tired, you have dried vomit on your shirt, and in about two days 8-10 of us are going to feel and look just as horrible as you do. THANK YOU!!! What the hell do you think “sick days” are for, anyway? Listen. If there is one thing corporate America should have taught you is that no one is special. Stay home. You won’t be missed. Really. No one will miss you. Get some rest and get better. Think twice before releasing your plague upon us. Finally, if you take public transportation to work in the state you are in I hope you lose control of your bowels half way through your commute. Then you have to sit in your filth while everyone laughs and moves away from you. That is what you deserve for infecting us.

Love Always,

Anthony Tournis

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