Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Timeline 2010-2060: The End Times

November 2, 2010 - Midterm elections.  Republicans and the Tea Party sweep the House and Senate, somehow installing Glenn Beck as Secretary of the Interior.  We check the by-laws, and it's legal.  Sean Penn cries on Olbermann.

2012 - Sarah Palin is elected President of America (Southern Territory).  Barack Obama is elected to his 2nd term as President of New Illinois (Northern Territory).  Jon Hamm is elected Prime Minister of Los Diego (Western Territory).  Dog The Bounty Hunter stages a coup and establishes himself as Warlord of the Great Desert (formerly Wyoming, North & South Dakota and Idaho).

2017 - A meteor crashes somewhere in Nevada and the zombie apocalypse is finally upon us.  A ragtag group of rebels led by Cyborg Rex Grossman leads an assault on the Castle of New Austin, and insane pirate leader George W. Bush strikes back with 50 warheads that he had stolen "just in case."  These warheads are lazed out of the sky by the Russian Mafia's satellites...except for 2.  One hits the San Andreas fault, sending the old West Coast into the sea (no one seems to mind this very much) and one hits Winnipeg.  Canada declares war on the entire North American continent.  Everyone in Europe just tells the New World to "blow it out your ass" and starts trading with Brazil.  Europe becomes totally awesome again.

2025 - The zombie apocalypse is still raging, but contained in the Great Desert.  Generalissimo Palin flies her invisible B2 bomber to China to ask for a few more weeks on the loan.  China gets really mad, and now they have like 4 billion people so this doesn't look good for anyone.  Justin Beiber has become pure energy and taken over the entire holoweb, Beiberizing it.  All news and information comes from the Great Bieber Intelligence.  Haircuts become really, really girly.

2041 - Smallpox is BACK, and it's bigger than ever.  So, people start calling it Bigpox.  Of course, not too many call it that, because it has a 96% fatality rate.  It even kills off what's left of the zombies, and no one figured they'd ever be gone.  There's only a few hundred thousand people left in North America now...and the Republicans are in power again in the House and Senate.  Sasha Obama (who looks awesome in her Tina Turner Thunderdome outfit, btw) runs Mexico now.  She calls herself "The Duke of the Yuke," which many people find pretty ridiculous on the Biebernet.  John F. Kennedy-81 Olbermann is the latest pundit calling for an end to her iron fisted rule.  He runs for Congress, but is murdered in the arena (as per the 64th Amendment) by his opponent Franklin Delano-62 O'Reilly.  The Republicans finally have 2/3 majority!!!

2060 - God finally puts us all out of our misery, cleansing North America with fire.  Commenters on the Beibernet find this "A typically LIEBERAL thing to do!  Way to go, Supreme HUSSEIN Being! LOLZ!!"


  1. Who's going to win "Dancing With The Stars"?

  2. The mere mention of the word 'Bieberizing' makes me crap myself.