Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I MAKE SPORTS BETTER!!! (Sports Review by Anthony Tournis)

No one can do anything right (except for James Hetfield (he is a fucking GOD (understand METALLICA!!!))). Look at how many stupid ass sports there are out there. I mean really dumb ones like golf (don’t get me started on the Scottish bastards who invented that piece of shit game), Greco-Roman Wrestling (in my opinion Greco and Roman have a great idea but need a lot help), and one of the dumbest sports of all…polo (you dodged another bullet Basketball (your days are numbered)). Instead of mercilessly tearing these dumb ass sports to pieces, I have decided to make them better (how very nice of me). So without further ado (that is how smart people talk to each other) I’m dropping this A-GASM on how to make crappy sports better!

GOLF – Wow! Have you ever watched golf? It blows (not in a lady on man way)! To be fair, it’s okay to play (if you have nothing (and I mean nothing) better to do (seriously, anything would be better than playing golf (let me spoil the surprise…you are going to suck))), but it is so mutha-humping (that means “motherfucking” in the hood) boring to watch. I have fixed that (strap your asses in!)! First of all, golf is too damn long. My golf is 3 holes long and each match will take less than fifteen minutes from start to finish. The course will only be 500 yards long (so we can take the rest of what used to be the golf course and turn it into a big ass paint ball battlefield (paintball…fuck yeah)). Golf will be played the same way, but I am releasing a pack of man eating tigers to the mix. These guys will pick off any golfers that they come across so you better be quick, but that’s not all. All golfers have to wear pants made out of a rotting Caribou carcass. The smell of rotting meat strapped to your junk is the ultimate test of stamina (it’s also like a turducken for the Tigers). Oh, and there is also a 50/50 chance that a highly venomous snake is in mixed in with your clubs. ENJOY YOUR AWESOME GAME!!! That is how you make something fun. It’s not all challenges. If you win you get to bone the losers wife (pretty good prize, huh? (if the loser isn’t married than you get to hump his Mom (if there is no Mom than it goes to his hottest looking sister (I have a flow chart)))).

GRECO-ROMAN WRESTLING – This sport is old. Really old. Like a hundred years old (damn that is old). It was invented by Torvald Greco and Mitch “The Meat” Roman. These were two guys that bitter rivals but were strangely attracted to each other. So, they came up with a method of fighting that involved a lot of hugging and holding. Don’t get me wrong I like violence (violence makes everything better (except for sex (violence makes sex AWESOME (remember your safe word (mine is Gerald Ford))))). All this guy-on-guy holding makes Greco-Roman Wrestling a little awkward( a lot awkward (it’s like watching your Dad make out with your babysitter (she is really put together (wonder if he makes Mom do that (AWKWARD!))))). So how do we keep wrestling violent and still make it fun to watch? Two new rules: 1. No clothes. 2. Man on Woman wrestling only. IT’S LIKE I’M PRINTING MONEY! The rules for winning would be the same (3 count pin) but I will add two new stipulations: 1. Men can win by full on penetration (take your pick (you have seven holes to select from)). 2. Women could win by convincing the man to take her shopping, or nagging him into submission (advantage: Woman). It’s sports! It’s porn! It’s sports porn, and it’s a metaphor for life! Who wouldn’t want to watch that? I’m a GOD!

POLO – What do you get when you mix all the shitty parts of golf with dumb ass horses (question: why do rich, stuck up, teenage girls like horses (answer: enormous horse wangs (those girls are into some kinky stuff)))? You get polo. It takes a certain type of person to enjoy polo. Those people are called assholes. You hit a ball with a club from the back of a horse. That is it. NOT ON MY WATCH! Remember Rambo III? Polo will be replaced with Buzkashi! What is Buzkashi (BUZKASHI…not Bukk..nevermind(pervert))? How do you play? The goal of a player is to grab the carcass of a headless goat or calf and then get it clear of the other players and pitch it across a goal line or into a target circle or vat. FUCK YES!!! How can you not watch that? Grabbing the carcass of a headless calf off a field while riding a horse at full gallop is not only the essence of sports, it’s also really fucking BAD ASS!!! Now add in full contact punching and beating the shit out of each other the whole damn time, and you have the GREATEST SPORT IN THE WORLD!!!! Plus, STEAKS FOR EVERYONE! Two birds…one stone! You are welcome, America!

I need to stop now because I have just blown my own mind at how I blew your minds! Until next time, America!

1 comment:

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