Making Superman Dumb (comic book meditation by Guest Blogger Anthony Tournis)
This post was supposed to be different. It was supposed to be about how I would fix Superman (trust me he needs it). Then something changed. I started doing research about the horrible storylines that Superman has been through over the past 73 years. Holy shit did I uncover comic fucking gold!!! I decided to abandon my tirade about changing Superman and blow your minds by presenting the REAL ( I cannot stress REAL enough) stories that have already been published featuring Superman, or some incarnation thereof (Super-boy, cross-overs, and all that bullshit). I am not joking these are REAL AS HELL!!!!
1. The Legion of Super Pets (I’m not fucking kidding a goddamn LEAGUE OF SUPER PETS!!!!) Superman had A LEGION OF FUCKING SUPER PETS!!!!!(The super pets were Krypto the Dog, Streaky the Supercat, Comet the Super-Horse, and Beppo (a fucking super chimp))). All real. Look it up!
2. Superman fights Pat Boone for the love of Lois. Pat has a new tune that makes Lois love him. Superman must defeat him. Just say it out loud “Superman is fighting Pat Boone”. Feel dumb yet?
3. Red Kryptonite turns Superman gets turned into a human King Kong. Apparently, green kryptonite will kill him. Red will turn him into a 1930’s horror movie ape. This story comes complete with an Empire State Building shootout. I guess when red kryptonite turns Superman into a human King Kong bullets will work on him again.
4. Superman denies everybody water. Yep. Even dogs.
5. Superman fights Dracula. Yeah. You’re probably saying “Hey man, Dracula was popular back then. Monsters fought superheroes in the 40’s and 50’s. Let it slide!” NO! Superman vs. Dracula was released in May of 2002, so crappy storylines are timeless. SPOILER ALERT: Superman beats Dracula…big surprise. However, Superman beats Dracula because Dracula bites Superman and drinks his blood, which is concentrated sunlight. That kills Dracula. Here’s my question: How strong are Dracula’s fangs? Knives, bullets, bombs…nothing can penetrate (YEAH!!!) Superman EXCEPT FOR DRACULA’S FANGS??? Dracula’s fangs are the most powerful weapon in the world. Dumb.
6. Superman fights Superboy. Ummm……….AREN’T THEY THE SAME FUCKING PERSON?!?!?!?!?! Apparently, they were the same person for forty years, but then Superboy was a different person from Superman. Then they existed in separate dimensions and fought each other. Isn’t inter-dimensional travel and shifting character backgrounds on the fly convenient? This is giving me an aneurysm.
7. Superman charges Batman as a witch and has him burned at the stake. Who pitches this shit? “What would Superman do at the Salem witch trials if Batman was a witch?” “That’s why we have you, Smith! I love it! I want that story in my hands by the end of the week! It’s like we’re printing money!” SPOILER ALERT: Batman lives!
8. Superman kills Lois lane…MULTIPLE TIMES!!!!!! Seriously, she dies more than half a dozen times and keeps coming back! What the hell? Is it Superman’s fault for killing her or is it her fault for letting him KILL HER ALL THE TIME?!?!?!??!?!?
9. Superman’s trademark ‘S’ emblem becomes a death ray that kills his friends. *Put gun in my mouth*
10. Superman grows antennae and leads an army of giant ants. *Pull trigger*
I went through all this shit for you. I need a drink.