Michael: Wow, I totally love going to openings of things. I went to this one at Remy Bumppo which was a totally awesome spectacle, opening of the Apple Store in Naperville, and the grand opening of the Big Lots! on Diversey all in the same month! I got a great deal on those 4 packs of Cadbury Eggs! Yummy!
Jessie: Well, Michael, I attended the Frost/Nixon opening at Timeline theatre. You know, Timeline? That theatre where you performed in the hit musical Altar Boyz for two years with Will Allan?
Michael: I’m not familiar. Do you mean TimeLine?
Jessie: Oh...must be thinking of a different theatre then. But doesn’t Will Allan kind of look like Justin Bieber’s gay sister?
Michael: Oh yeah, totally. He’s got that look DOWN. But wait, let’s back up a second. You were at the grand opening of Frost/Nixon at TimeLine Theatre as well? That was the other totally awesome thing I was able to go to the other night! You were there?
Jessie: I was totes there. I saw you, but you were singing show tunes and weeping with the other Altar Boyz so I didn’t want to interrupt the ritual. Well, hey, now we can review that play, I guess.
Michael: I guess. Well, first and foremost, what hairlines! Hairlines in the 1970s were totally in! Big ones, widow’s peaks, thinning, none, what amazing freedom they must have had! I think that was after birth control and before, like, STDs and stuff, so everyone wanted to have really awesome hairlines to do it with. Chicks dig ‘em, don’t they?
Jessie: Hmm, yeah, I guess that’s true. Now that AIDS are around, I just don’t care about hairlines like I used to in the 70’s.
Michael: So, is this the part where we recap the plot for everyone who didn’t see the movie?
Jessie: Can they just YouTube the movie? I mean, do we have to explain everything? Like the political background leading up to the events? Do the readers of this blog know who Nixon was and all the amazing things he did?
Michael: I know, right? He totally brought Vietnam to an end and ushered in a new era of international diplomacy. He also totally undermined the people’s authority to have control of their government and stuff. Which was lame, so I guess that’s what most of the play was about. Like, how lame that was. And that, like, he should answer for it. Or something.
Jessie: But the man was a Quaker. Does that count for nothing anymore? Its like having an Aztec president basically because I’m pretty sure the Quakers have all died out.
Michael: They live on on oatmeal boxes at least. Well, alright, so there’s this preening English prick named David Frost (played by some aptly cast American named Andrew Carter) who’s like only a little famous, like Steve Zahn famous, and he wants to be, like, Jimmy Fallon famous. So he thinks interviewing Richard Nixon will make him Jimmy Fallon!
Jessie: I always confuse Steve Zahn and Giovanni Ribisi. Did they both play mentally challenged dudes?
Michael: I think they are the same mentally challenged dude, actually.
Jessie: Wow, lets move on before we lose our core audience.
Michael: So he decides to pay a bunch of money to Richard Nixon to get some interviews with him so that he can make him admit he’s a failure and a jerk. But, like, Richard Nixon is totally a smart guy so it’s really hard for him to be honest about stuff.
Jessie: Once you get him liquored up, its a different story.
Michael: Boy howdy! Can that man spew some truth! Every bit of that scene where he calls Frost all drunk rings like church bells on Sunday.
Jessie: I don’t get it because I’m Jewish.
Michael: Sorry, like...temple...chimes on...Saturday?
Jessie: Acceptable. We love chimes. Continue.
Michael: Cool. They go into the interviews and Frost is totally worthless and Nixon just talks over him and stuff and Frost gets, like, nothing out of him. So Frost goes home and gets blown by his hot English girlfriend and he has an epiphany! He goes to the last day of the interviews with both feet swinging, and the intellectual thrust and parry that ensues! Mwah! I could hardly keep up. Those guys are totally awesome at talking!
Jessie: So true! And when they aren’t awesome at talking, their sidekicks jump in and awesome talk for them. Like that guy who was played by Sam Rockwell in the movie. And the other guy who was played by Kevin Bacon in the movie.
Michael: Wow, those guys were cool too. Let’s just call them Sam Rockwell and Kevin Bacon from here on. And we’ll call the Nixon guy Frank Langella.
Jessie: Do we need all this background stuff? I mean, would that lady critic of the Tribune provide a backstory? We are professionals, Michael. I didn’t make these “professional critic” T-shirts for nothing.
Michael: I thought you did make them for nothing, you have your own silk-screen process in your bathroom, don’t you?
Jessie: Yeah, but that is for the clients. I just wrote in Sharpie over my Cubs t-shirt. I guess I wasn’t really committed to the idea.
Michael: So then they talk some more, and Nixon almost cries and stuff because he blurts out that he’s an illegal immigrant or something, and apparently that was bad because...
Jessie: Wait, shouldn’t we leave the end as a big surprise?
Michael: You’re right, I got totally excited from all the jabs and thrusts from Frost and Nixon. You all should just go see it. Nobody can possibly know what happens unless they go see the show (or rent the movie, or watch the actual interviews, or read the many books by various firsthand participants in the interviews)!
Jessie: Well, I will say I liked this show. It was like watching a boxing match minus the awkward and violent homoerotic vibes and blood.
Michael: I agree, I’ll say I liked it too. Except I saw it before on a pirated DVD my roommate had, and we all know that theatre can never be as good as a movie because they’re more expensive. Just ask Michael Bay. He did a really terrible production of The Emperor Jones that I saw. Fine direction, but it was bad because there wasn’t any money.
Jessie: So go see Frost/Nixon. And write a better review than we just did. I dare you.