Friday, December 3, 2010

The Nutcracker (The House Theatre)

As far as Christmas stories go, can you think of a more popular one then "The Nutcracker"?
Sure, there is A Christmas Carol, Die Hard, and Van Wilder's XXXMas Frat Party but the Nutcracker is older, and in my opinion it is better.
The House's Nutcracker starts simply enough, everybody is getting ready for Christmas. President Silberhaus and his wife have a bunch of friends over. They have a 25 year old daughter named Carla that is a very small person that looks like she is 8, so they make sure to dress her that way and not teach her anything so she acts like an 8 year old too.
They are waiting for the son, Fritz to return from the war. They are all there waiting, I don't know why they wouldn't go to the airport to pick him up, but the Silberhaus' do things their own way, I guess.
Well, turns out Fritz is totes dead.
The family has a hard time handling it, and they all go to separate rooms and kick out the guests.

The next scene is a year later to the day.
The parents haven't spoken to each other in a year and the Carla has been raising herself. Then one day, she goes to sleep, not knowing that her life would change forever, probably.
Just then, this dude with an eye patch named Councilor Drosselmeyer shows up.
This character is all like, "I just got off a steamship from Khatmandu and I need to see your daughter right now."
Hold on a second. This creepy bastard shows up at midnight at your house and wants to see your daughter in her bedroom and you are like, "Go right up".
Not me, man. You can't EVER see my daughter until you get your shit together pal.

Anyway, they let him go, and he gives her a statue of her dead brother Fritz that also happens to be a nutcracker. I don't know how many nuts she eats, but this seems like a bad gift for a little girl.
Far be it from me to say, but...
I give bad gifts a lot.
For example, 2 years ago, I gave my wife some condor eggs. I swear to God I thought she asked for condor eggs. Of course, once I give them to her she says, "No, I said high heel shoes". Well, either I am a terrible listener, or this bitch can't make up her mind. Either way, I have some 2 year old condors for sale.

Anyway, you know how this story goes, the nutcracker turns into her brother and then all the other toys wake up too.

There is a french monkey that loves to fuck. A robot that no one would ever want as a toy, and a slutty blonde that just says the same shit all the time.

They act crazy together, making cookies and dancing and touching Carla.

Well Carla's parents do NOT like the way this is going. They think she is dealing with all this death by repressing her feelings and talking to the toys and causing trouble to get even with the world for ruining everything.

The next night, these toys show up again and wake up all these rats that live in the walls and are British. These rats think they are too cool for school, always wearing sunglasses and listening to The Cure.

I won't tell you what happens after that, because you will want to be surprised, but let's just say that everybody dies.

This show has all the glamous and festive gore the House brings you with everything. There is snow and magic and dancing and ... MYSTERY!?


Jake Minton is outstanding as the dad that is tough but fair and Carolyn Defrin is as good as she usually is, which is better than almost everyone.
Chance Bone plays the Nutcracker. He is very good and has a name that sounds like he does a lot of porno movies, which maybe he does for all I know. I don't watch pornos.
The girl who plays Carla really is named Carla Kessler is great and small. She makes big faces and runs around in pajamas. Maybe SHE is in pornos.

The guys who play the toys are great, too.
There's everyones favorite guy who plays weirdos, Mike Smith as the monkey, Joey Steakley who plays this gay robot that no one likes and Trista Smith is the whore and does a very believable job.

This is not a show to miss, especially since Mike Przygoda is the sound guy and the House just truly did a much better job than the first time they did this play.
You and your kids will love this.
Seriously, one of my favorite House shows.


-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach


  1. Are you serious?! That's all?!!? This show is BRILLIANT! Everyone should go see this show...I f'n hate Christmas and I almost cried. Chance SHOULD be in porn, cause he's dreamy. And that's what MY dreams are filled with: PORN, CHANCE, PORN, BONE!

    AND there's dancing and singing and it's highly entertaining. They took a chance in retelling this story--and it be dif-rint! They were successful! Well done, well acted, honest work. The parents are such a lovely contrast to the toys. And the toys play like a Factory show, to the hilt!


  2. The character's name is CLARA and the actress is CARLA. Even I know that!

    Great show!

  3. That monkey sure can fuck though. Even my Dad noticed.