Tuesday, December 28, 2010

"The Year Without a Santa Claus" or What is Your Problem THIS time, Fat Ass?!

Happy Holidays Gentle Reader –

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas (Love to my Jew Friends!) and that Santa brought you all sorts of wonderful and magical things. But I doubt it. Because if there is one thing Santa loves more than delivering presents, it’s finding some random ass thing that will PREVENT him from delivering presents.

In this Installment of Santa Claus: Douchebag we turn our focus to The Year Without a Santa Claus. Original Air Date –December 10th 1974.

Santa starts complaining about some aches and pains and says he has a “cold.” So they decide to call in a Doctor. Now this doctor is an elf. So unless Santa is running some sort Diplomas for Cash Third-World Med School, I have serious doubts about his qualifications.

In the entirety of ALL the North Pole – one Elf – PRECISELY ONE - says that no one cares about Xmas anymore. And even though every other living creature within sight is busily working away on toys - Dr. House says that no one believes Christmas matters any more. Santa IMMEDIATELY says – you know, you are right, and decides that it’s time he takes a holiday.

It should go without saying that the man works precisely ONE DAY A YEAR. I have never ever seen Santa actually build a toy. And yes you can see that maybe he is exhausted from sitting around all day WATCHING YOU TAKE A SHOWER, but if that is the case then HE KNOWS the majority of the world is absolutely EXCITED about Christmas. If that doesn’t sound like someone who is trying to get out of a job, I don’t know what does.

Since it seems Santa only needs the amount of evidence provided to a Tea Bagger, he crawls immediately into bed and calls off Christmas. Somehow the press catches wind of it (Santa calls them directly) and they go nuts.

The Headlines read: “Santa Says – Too Tired!” That’s a good message for the kiddies. Clean your room. Can’t. Too tired. If you don’t clean your room, Santa won’t bring you any presents. He’s not bringing them anyway, you know why? TOO TIRED.

And “Not Coming”! Says Claus. Which sounds more like a prostate problem.

The first song is The Year Without a Santa Claus and in the lyrics they say “The children they cried, they thought Santa had died!” So you know Fox News got their hands in there somewhere.

Mrs. Claus (no longer the Hot Ginger she was, in fact she looks a lot more like Tanta Kringle than anyone else. Hmmmm.)

Mrs. Claus Pre Wedding:

Tanta Kringle

Mrs. Claus Today

Now – at best, Santa has a mother fixation and forces his wife to dress up like his adopted mother. At worst, he murdered his Hot Ginger Wife and is now shacked up in a godless semi-incestuous relationship with his adopted mother. At the very very worst – he is banging Barbara Bush.


But anyway – “Mrs. Claus” at first lights on the idea that all she needs to do is dress up like Santa and deliver the presents herself. In fact she says ANYONE could be Santa Claus. She engages in some cosplay and contemplates taking over the job.

Mrs. Claus contemplates smothering Santa and taking over the whole works.

She is interrupted in her reverie by Jingle and Jangle, the two most special needs elves in the North Pole. It makes sense seeing as how they only started out with only one “family” of elves and now there are hundreds of them running around. That inbreeding is a bitch.

The two believe her to actually be Santa until she turns around and they realize it is her. At which point she promptly folds like a cheap suit and gives up her plan to murder Santa. She decides she needs to get rid of the witnesses and send Jingle and Jangle on a fool’s errand to find people who still believe in Santa and to a lesser extent, Christmas. All they have to do is find proof that ONE PERSON cares.

Santa eventually wakes up and ‘Mrs. Claus’ (BTW he calls her Ma, even though they have no children. Just saying) and she immediately lays in with the passive aggressive behavior, letting it “slip” what Jingle and Jangle are up to, even though they just left five minutes ago.

Santa’s response? “You sent those retards out to die? On a baby reindeer?”

It seems as if there are two beings known as the Miser Brothers. Like, well known. Like, REALLY well known. And Mrs. Claus sent Jingle and Jangle out there without warning them because it slipped her mind. Now if I knew for a fact that two murderous brothers lived on the end of my street and I happened to send some special needs kids to the convenience store to get me some smokes, I would have to be somewhat culpable in whatever grisly fate they fell to. I mean, fool me once…

This motivates Santa to put on his everyday traveling ware (which highly resembles that of your upscale pimp) hops on another reindeer, Dasher, and goes off in search of Jingle and Jangle who have all of a ten minute head start. So now “Mrs. Claus” has sent Santa, two elves and two reindeer off to die.

There is the Snow Miser who controls the Northern Part of the world keeping everything cold and the Heat Miser who keeps the Southern Part warm and free of snow.

Couple things. I was unaware that the world lacked a Southern Hemisphere and was just hanging in space like an overturned grapefruit thrown to the floor in a drunken rage. And the Claus’s talk about Heat Miser like he is a right bastard for keeping the snow out of the south. Tell that to the retirees in Florida.

Jingle and Jangle manage to get by them and where do they choose to go? Southtown USA. They are immediately accosted by the local constabulary who;

a.) Has apparently never seen a deer before and

b.) cites them for wearing funny looking clothes on a Sunday.

Ah the South; the last bastion for Reasonable Thought in America.

Of course – Jingle and Jangle fit right in since after getting a ticket for going the wrong way on a one way street and wearing funny clothes, they decide that Southtown must hate Reindeers. You know. The same way terrorists hate our freedom. They immediately decide to disguise Vixen as a dog. By putting their sock on her antlers. She is immediately attacked by an old lady’s cat.

Santa – who is now only about two minutes behind them runs into the cop who gave them the ticket and asks after them. The cop tells Santa that they broke the law, they got a ticket and they have to face the Judge. Santa’s response is typical of his entire career of flagrantly disobeying the law, “well not much Christmas spirit there.”

Sure I cut off that dude’s head and I’m keeping it in my freezer. But it’s Christmas. WHERE IS YOUR CHRISTMAS SPIRIT?!?!

Jingle, Jangle and Vixen now treed by the cat, contemplate giving up, which seems to be the mainstay of the Clause Organization. Too hard? Fucking quit. They eventually figure out maybe accosting random ADULTS may not be the best course so maybe they should talk to some CHILDREN. You know. The ones that SANTA ACTUALLY DELIVERS THE TOYS TO.

Oh by the way, Vixen is totally dying from the heat. Now if reindeers are susceptible to DEATH by WARMTH after only several hours of exposure, I think there is a flaw in the system.

So Jingle and Jangle decide to talk to a group of MIDDLE SCHOOL CHILDREN THAT ARE TALLER THAN THEM and ask how they feel about Santa.

Their response – Santa is not coming. All the papers say so. Besides believing in him is for little children.

Ok. Back the fuck up. That kind of logic is the shit you tell robots to make their head explode on Star Trek.

Santa – whom all the papers SAY IS REAL is not coming this year. We believe he is not coming because the papers say so. But believing in him is for kids.

All children between twelve and eighteen are assholes.

At this point, a Ginger (evil) boy lets Vixen get taken by the dog catcher before he says anything. This boy, Ignatius Thistlewhite, bears more than a passing resemblance to Santa.


Young Santa

So it’s no surprise when he comes home and Santa is waiting outside his house. I get the feeling Santa has been here plenty of times before. I would be surprised if Mrs. Thistlewhite received a check every month from KK Inc. for hush money.

Santa approaches the boy, under a fake name, the cleverly chosen “Klaus” and enlists his help. But not before Mrs. Thistlewhite invites Santa in to “give him something for that cold.”

By the way, Mr. Thistlewhite has jet black hair and looks nothing like his son.

Upon seeing that Mr. Thistlewhite is home, Santa starts stammering and sweating like a whore in church.

Ignatius once again says he doesn’t believe in Santa and asks his father if he does. Mr. Thistlewhite holds Santa in his icy stare and says, “Why yes I believe I do.”

Ignatius then turns to Santa and asks the same question. To which Santa takes a moment to answer in the affirmative and sing a song about himself. What a dick. It’s like he wanted to be the first rap star who only can sing about how badass he is. The main difference is that THERE ARE ALREADY 8,000 SONGS ABOUT HIM ALREADY. And he still has to sing about himself. NOT CHRISTMAS. Himself. Jag Bag.

Then in response Mr. Thistlewhite takes his own verse.

I believe in Santa Claus
But there was a time
I thought I had grown too old
For such a childish rhyme
He became a dream to me
Till one Christmas night
Someone stood beside my bed
With a beard of white
"So you're too old for Santa Claus"?
He said with a smile
Then you're too old for all the things
That make a life worth while
For what is happiness but dreams
and do they all come true
Look at me and tell me, son
What is real to you?

Obviously spoken as Santa had Mrs. Thistlewhite bent over the bed, impregnating her with his bastard spawn. Shaking with rage, Mr. Thistlewhite finishes the song with a newly invigorated Santa.

Ignatius finally spills about Vixen and the elves. And Santa – no longer giving a fuck – hops on Dasher and takes off into the sky in broad daylight. After several minutes of deliberating, Ignatius finally pieces together the Klaus/Claus riddle and figures out that it was actually Santa. Yep. Ignatius sure sounds like a Claus to me.

So Mr. Thistlewhite sends his son – a douchey teenager - to talk to the Mayor about letting Vixen go rather than go himself – an actual tax paying adult who can obviously pay the fine. He obviously hates the boy as much as he does Santa and will take every opportunity to set him up to fail.

Jingle and Jangle had the same stupid idea and are having the appropriate amount of luck when the Mayor throws out his terms. Snow in Southtown. Or the Reindeer dies.

He also says that if they can accomplish this, they will also give Santa an official National Holiday this year. You know. The guy who works ONE DAY A YEAR.

Then the Mayor – WHO DIDN’T BELIEVE THEY WERE ELVES IN THE FIRST PLACE – sings a song about how it is going to snow in Dixie. So if he believes that this is a certainty, then he must believe they are REALLY ELVES – so why doesn’t he let the DYING BABY REINDEER GO. Ah, The South.

At this point – Santa has bailed Vixen out of the pound and is taking her back to the North Pole. Done. That simple.

Why he didn’t just break her out of jail like he normally does is one of the continuity errors that drive me nuts. Like R2-D2. In the prequels – he can fly. I can think of HUNDREDS OF TIMES that would have come in useful in the original trilogy. Listen fuckers – when you are telling a story you got to stick to the rules. Otherwise you are just pissing all over your material. Fuck you too George Lucas.

Of course Santa doesn’t bother to tell Jingle and Jangle about this latest development. So they are still locked into their Faustian bargain with the Mayor of Southtown. So they call “Mrs. Claus” and she, the elves and Ignatius go to visit the murderous bastard Snow Miser.

Who actually turns out to like Santa quite a bit. Read into that what you will. They ask him to snow in Southtown and he says no can do because Southtown is in Heat Miser’s territory. Which they knew. And now they are just wasting time. Once again – IT’S THE DAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS when Santa pulled this shit.

So it’s off to the Heat Miser who looks like Jack Weston and naturally hates Santa and his natural association with winter. He agrees to allow it to snow in Southtown if they let it be warm in the North Pole. Which leads to global warming and melting of the ice caps. And thousands and thousands of deaths.

At this point it wouldn’t surprise me if Santa held stock in BP as well.

So now we have the need for North and South to come to a reasonable and meaningful compromise which of course they are completely unable to do.

‘Mrs. Claus’ decides to drag Mother Nature into it. It’s sort of like that Simpsons where they have to keep bringing in new predators to catch the old ones. How will we get rid of the snakes? That’s what the Gorillas are for. She lays the smack down HURLING LIGHTNING BOLTS and forces them both to compromise.

Santa meanwhile has brought Vixen back to the North Pole and even though he has been gallivanting all over the world, he decides HE STILL CAN’T DO HIS FUCKING JOB.

The snow falls in Southtown and Santa is given a DAY OFF, which he decides to USE ON THE ONE DAY HE WORKS ALL YEAR. So the children of the world decide to make their own gifts and SEND THEM TO SANTA.


So apparently Santa felt the need to push is idolatry into actual TRIBUTE AND SACRIFICE.

Santa then finds a letter saying “I’ll have a blue Christmas without you.” Precisely one letter. That has no connection to any of the other bargains, deals and sacrifices made to please his whiny selfish ass.

Santa’s ego finally stroked to his satisfaction – he starts yelling at all the inbred elves to start working again. He sheds his veil of secrecy in a move akin to whipping his cock out and banging it on the dining room table – and lands in the middle of Southtown. What an ass.

Mr. Thistlewhite takes his own life.

A+ for teaching children if you whine loud enough, you too can be a self indulgent ass and be rewarded for it.


-Chris Hainsworth

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