Monday, December 27, 2010

Santa Claus: Douchebag (Guest Reviewer Chris Hainsworth)

Happy Holidays Gentle Readers.

As December crushes us with sub-zero temperatures and the media blitzes us with constant reminders of the inadequacies of our lives, it’s time we reflect on what the season is really about.

Santa. And what a terrible example he sets for all of us by being a giant Douchebag.

As evidence, I present his various portrayals throughout the Rankin-Bass oeuvre.

Maybe it’s not all his fault. Let’s take a look back at his Origin Story –

Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town – Original Air Date 12/14/70. That’s 40 years ago bitches.

The Beginning –

First of all – Santa was an orphan that appeared mysteriously out of nowhere. And worse – a Ginger. All Ginger Males are evil. Fact. Just as all Ginger Females are Hot. The only thing identifying him – A TAG – with the word Claus on it.

Abandoned on the steps of the Sombertown’s Ruler, Burgermeister Meisterburger, much as Damien was foisted of on American Diplomat Gregory Peck – Burgermeister Meisterburger rejects Satan’s Plan (Satan – Santa, so obvious) and sends the deadly Ginger off to the Orphan Asylum.

En Route – the sled is “magically” (read Satanically) blown away and found by the animals of the forest. His pagan minions deliver him to a “family” of elves. No one bothers to explain the nature of this family or how they are related to each other. There are five male elves that all look to be about 1,000 years old and one female elf that goes by the name Tanta Kringle that is twice their size who lives with them.

This bizarre sex cult seems to have a toy fetish as all they do all day is make toys and then throw them into a pile out back. It seems once they were Toy Makers to the King and seem incapable of letting it go. They could just give the toys away but they seem physically incapable of delivering the toys after all the sex and there is a Winter Warlock between them and they place where they were presumably once employed. Oh and TOYS ARE FUCKING ILLEGAL IN SOMBERTOWN.

So this sexual fetishist contraband manufacturing cult names him Kris and raises him to be one of them; including giving him one of their sex slave uniforms and roping him into their contraband manufacturing.

Upon coming of age, “Kris” announces “Time to take the toys to Sombertown.” Coincidentally, this is a euphemism for sex my wife does not appreciate.

As he trespasses across the land of the Winter Warlock he comes across a penguin that is in entirely the wrong hemisphere. He names his new familiar ‘Topper’ and befriends it as people do with creatures who are obviously too stupid to live. The Warlock shows up and through a clever plot of RUNNING AWAY, “Kris” and Topper escape and finally make it to Sombertown.

Upon arriving he runs into a couple of kids and has the following exchange –

SC – What you doing?

Kids – Laundry

SC – That’s fucking stupid. Why aren’t you playing?

Kids – Nothing to play with.

SC – Listen up, you whiny little cunts. I don’t want to hear anymore of your fucking bitching. I was raised by a fetishist sex cult – so shut the fuck up or I won’t give you any of this high grade stash I’m transporting illegally.

Or something to that effect. As he starts handing out his contraband (first one is for free) the local (hot Ginger female) school teacher Jessica, steps in to try and SAVE THE CHILDREN FROM FUCKING JAIL only to be felled by Kris as he gives her a “China Doll,” (read Heroin), and seduces her over to his illegal ways.

So since all the children know toys are illegal, they do the only sensible thing and start playing with them IMMEDIATELY in the FUCKING STREET.

Naturally Johnny Law shows up for the smack down and Kris does the only honorable thing to date by taking the heat for it. But first he tries to get Meisterburger hooked as well by giving him a Yo-Yo but fails and is run out of town.

As he is going back to the sex cult, along the exact same route he took to Sombertown, the one where he was originally hassled by the Winter Warlock, and surprise surprise – he gets captured by – wait for it – the Winter Warlock.

Ah – but this time, much like with the hot Ginger female school teacher, Kris pushes a toy Choo-Choo on Winter Warlock (that’s his name it turns out, not a title) and Warlock is immediately powerless and addicted.

In fact, Warlock or “Winter” as he wished to now be called – shows Kris how to do some Magic by using his Crystal (i.e. Meth) Snowball to spy on people. Kris sees that Jessica is looking for him and she tells him the stupid children of Sombertown got all of their cleverly concealed (i.e. NOT AT ALL) contraband confiscated and destroyed so of course the only option is to bring more toys.

So the Kringles relocate their production facility and stash house on to the now completely weakened Winter’s land to ease the delivery route. And Kris has his newly minted HO (HO HO) Jessica tell all the children that if they want a special “present,” they should leave their doors open that night, so that he can GIVE it to them.

Once again – the MENSA candidates that make up the township begin the day by PLAYING WITH THEM ON THE FUCKING STREET. And shock – they are all confiscated and burned again.

So now Burgermeister is not fucking around. ANYONE FOUND WITH A TOY ANYWHERE IN THEIR HOME WILL BE IMPRISONED. Kris gets around this by turning the citizenry’s children into mules and having them hide the toys in their stockings. So they can then take them out into THE FUCKING STREET AND PLAY WITH THEM IN PUBLIC AGAIN.


Finally – due to the near constant pants shitting stupidity of the folks of Sombertown – Kris is finally arrested, along with the sex cult, the Winter junky and the Penguin. They manage to make their escape by feeding “magic seed corn” to some unsuspecting reindeer that are then able to “fly.”

Now officially on the lam, Kris finally decides it’s time to wear a disguise. How does he accomplish this? By growing a fucking beard. You’re the only 6’4” Ginger in this part of the world. How you going to disguise yourself? BY GROWING MORE RED HAIR.

You gonna change your outfit? Nope. Just growing the beard. Oh and I’ll change my name to Claus. That ought to throw them off.

Hey – are you that 6’4” red head who goes around delivering illegal presents named Kringle? Nope. My name is Claus. And I have a beard.

They also decide to relocate their base of operations. TO THE NORTH FRICKING POLE. The same group of people who couldn’t push a full sleigh down a mountain are now relocating to the NORTH POLE.

How does the war against toys finally finish up? Eventually – GENERATIONS LATER – the Burgermeister’s finally die out – without apparently having learned neither the meaning of Christmas nor having been overthrown.

And Kris aka Santa Claus eventually is unable to keep up with demand, and tells all those bitches that that he ain’t coming but once a year and then proceeds to try and get out of that obligation every single Christmas after that. But that is another story.

Santa’s Crimes – Possession of a controlled substance, Distribution of a controlled substance, Trespassing, Escaping From Prison, Breaking and Entering, Contributing to the delinquency of minors, Sedition, Obstruction of Justice, Resisting Arrest, Evading Prosecution, Illegal Surveillance, Animal Endangerment, and quite possibly Pedophilia – this is the song he sings to the Girls and Boys of Sombertown –

Oh, what a good girl
Oh, what a good boy
Oh what a big smile
All because of a toy!

If you sit on my lap today
A kiss a toy is the price you'll pay
When you tell what you wish for --
In a whisper
Be prepared to pay.

If you sit on my lap today
A kiss a toy is the price you'll pay
When you sit on my left knee
Don't be stingy
Be prepared to pay.

If whenever you take
You give a little back
Then whoever you love
Will give a little love back
So give a little love
Get a little love back
Don't you have a little love
That you want to get back

If you sit on his lap today
A kiss a toy is the price you'll pay
When you sit on his left knee
Don't be stingy
Be prepared to pay.

Now if you sit on my lap today
A kiss a toy is the price you'll pay!

Douchebag Rating –

A+ if you are really into being a douchebag

-Chris Hainsworth

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