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Friday, February 4, 2011

The Reader: Why They Can't Ever Beat The Internet! (Written by Anonymous)


Anonymous
Used to be, The Reader was the only publication in town that would review your little theater company/art show/sandwich shop in Pilsen.

Anonymous
The Chicago Reader: The Abacus of Theatre Journalism!

Anonymous
Now, as long as you give them a free ticket and a chance to ogle your ladies, you have acres of internet real estate just aching to fill up content about YOU.

Anonymous
But you still want some uneducated old fat guy to show up and cough in the back row? Then you need The Reader.

Anonymous
In the same way that Craigslist beat the Reader at its own game, what with offering free advertising to slumlords and hookers on the web, the bloggers and Facebook have beaten it in theater and art criticism. ANYONE can be a critic now, and while that might not be a favorable solution to the problem of why Hedy Weiss won't see your performance art piece about vaginal cleanliness, it does solve the problem of Ralbert Rilliams farting up your theater space.

Anonymous
The old saying still holds weight:
"4 bloggers equal 1 Chris Jones, but at least neither of them are the Reader ".

Anonymous
So, is there any real reason why people are still inviting the Reader to see their work? Is it the same reason why people still eat at the Heartland Cafe? Baby Boomer Guilt.

Anonymous
Tradition seems to have gotten us right here, where we have been for 30 years. Let's try something new, gang! Instead of spending your press packet money on some old weirdo who will undoubtedly ruin your perfect blog review record for the sole sake of being contrary, try something new, like a suburban newspaper, or an actual advertisement. Unless you are too lazy to change.

Anonymous
There are outlets out there who will treat you with respect, and yes, the blogs and papers might not get into the hands of aging hipsters with technology issues. But those jerks will be begging for free tickets anyway. Why not get on a blog that someone can read on their Droid? You at least know they can afford a fucking Droid.

Anonymous
You know Anonymous, I feel like sometimes we beat around the bush because we assume that everyone is smart and understands what is being said between the lines, but let's come right out and say it today.
THE READER IS THE FUCKING WORST.

Anonymous
Back when The Reader actually had 4 sections, I used to call it The Bum Quilt. But I suppose you could call it Bum's Charmin these days. I mean, if you picked up a few of em, you bums.

Anonymous
Wasting an opening night full ticket for some creep to sit in the house and write a 3 line review? You might as well just invite a bum. Or Rom Rilliams.

Anonymous
Did we just blow your minds?

Anonymous
Are you going to tell the Reader on us?

Anonymous
Well you can't call them, because they couldn't pay the phone bill this month since it was either that or give Rack Relbig a case of Blatz for his review of The Beats.

Anonymous
So you better mail them a letter, even though you will never know who to mail it to. Better make it out to Adult X-Matches.

Anonymous
You know where a better place to find mistresses is though? AshleyMadison.com. I'd just email them.

-Anonymous, Anonymous

4 comments:

  1. "4 Venus Zarris' equals 1 Chris Jones, but at least neither of them are the Reader".

    An apostrophe is not used when making a word plural -- unless you are Rom Rilliams. Then it's okay.

    I won't mention that the period should go inside the quotation marks. That's just a stupid rule. Also, it just looks weird.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Please keep in mind that the exception to this rule is the great and prolific Kerry Reid. A hero of the Chicago Storefront Nation.

    ReplyDelete
  3. "4 Venus Zarris' equals 1 Chris Jones"

    !?!

    Only if you are measuring foreheads. The man looks like Kelsey Grammer with hydrocephaly.

    ReplyDelete